


Dark Side of the Moon

by sugarbucket25



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apparently I'm not allowed to tag Magnus/Alec because thats a crime against humanity, Arguments, But it'll all be OK, Damaged Jace, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flashbacks, Forbidden Love, Freeform, How's that?, I warned you i go dark, M/M, Magnus and Alec are together for a little while but not endgame, Misunderstandings, Non explicit non-con by OMCs, Obsession, Parabatai Bond, Sebastian is Meddling, Sexual Tension, Supernatural Drug, This will go dark, because that's where I always go, did I mention the angst?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2019-09-06 12:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 149,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16832938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarbucket25/pseuds/sugarbucket25
Summary: Drunk Jace was dangerous. Sober Jace was tactile and relaxed about personal space as it was, but drunk Jace, as with all traits when drenched in alcohol, was much worse. Sometimes he wanted to snuggle, cuddle, spoon or… sometimes he wanted to talk. The talking was by far the worst. Jace would talk for hours about things; himself, me, the world, his fears, his desires. It was too much, too difficult and every time I got suckered into it, it was even worse the next morning when he remembered none of it and I was left cut open from his beautiful, painful honesty.Alec and Jace struggle to avoid their growing feelings for each other and they find themselves drawn into misunderstandings and obsession. More warning to be added.





	1. Chapter One: Hold Me Upright, Please?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - this literally wouldn’t leave me alone, so I wrote it. Jesus, when you think you’re done with fanfiction and can actually work on y’know, your book - that’s when ALL THE PLOT hits you in the face. So, yeah. I’m gonna mess around A LOT with canon events, TV and Books. This is extremely AU freestyle - when I started I realised I was going to mess with pretty much everything. A canon event may pop up here and there but don’t be looking for any measure of tracking. Heads up for heartache, misunderstandings, adult themes and gratuitous uss of my favourite word, "fuck". The adult themes warning should be taken seriously as I tend to wander into dark territory (no seriously). 
> 
> I’m British too, so that’s why there’s superfluous ‘U’s everywhere and probably a fairly easily detectable accent in their speech.  
> Enjoy.

**-Dark Side of the Moon-**

**-Chapter One: Hold Me Upright, Please?-**

_‘Got your bible, got your gun,_

_And you like to party and have fun,_

_And I like my candy and your women,_

_I'm finally happy now that you're gone._

_Got my little red party dress on,_

_Everybody knows that I'm the best I'm crazy._

_Get a little bit of Bourbon in 'ya,_

_Get a little bit suburban and go crazy._

_Because you're young, you're wild, you're free,_

_You're dancing circles around me_

_You're fucking crazy Oh, you're crazy for me._ _’_

_-Lana Del Rey_

*

**-Alec-**

Everyone knew, now. That was maybe the worst thing about it. This great, all consuming, decade-long infatuation with my wayward Parabatai was now common knowledge. Everyone knew it and while some were more discreet than others, I could tell instantly who knew and who didn’t. The ‘ _didn_ _’t’_ list was small, let’s put it that way. At this point, hanging around with Mundanes would have been preferable to the strained, kindly glances people gave me whenever I was with Jace. They looked between us, flickering glances of pity that made me scowl even deeper, causing Perma-Oblivious Jace to roll his eyes and tell me to lighten up and get laid.

Everyone knew, including Jace but my Parabatai had taken a novel approach in apparently wiping his memory clean and reverting back to Actually-Oblivious Jace. Maybe it was for my sake, most likely for his. Either way, everyone knew it. Izzy was great, though - she went to serious lengths to ensure I knew she was there for me, but more importantly wasn’t going to intrude or poke. Izzy had always known and maybe that meant she was better prepared to deal with it.

_How_ everyone knew was less clear to me. I suspected it had something to do with Clary. I didn’t think there was any genuine malice in this action, maybe just a mistake. Trusting someone she shouldn’t have. That was usually how these things got around. My _coming out_ news had spread faster than actual intelligence about Valentine. I got congratulations texts from people less than ten minutes after I branded that heart-pounding kiss onto Magnus Bane. I thought maybe it was Clary because whenever someone gave me that, ‘ _Oh poor, poor lovelorn Alec!_ _’_ face, Clary usually looked equal parts guilty and shifty.

The Institute was literally a minefield of people who had the newfound ability to piss me off and that seemed unfair. I was with Magnus, at the beginning of something real and tangible with someone wonderful and _hot_. I’d never even declared my undying _fucking_ love to Jace _fucking_ Herondale!

I sighed. It would pass. Most things did. Rumours and gossip couldn’t maintain steam over time and things would get better. Jace would’ve spouted some quippy quote. “ _This too shall pass,_ _”_ he’d have said and looked smug at my grimace.

Not everything passed, though. Not _everything_ faded.

*

“Alexander? Are you OK?”

I blinked. “Huh? Sorry, I was miles away.”

Magnus smiled graciously, not offended. It wasn’t my _fault_ I was distracted, technically. The Parabatai bond was causing it. Little known/discussed fact; sometimes, just sometimes…the bond would let me feel things I definitely shouldn’t have been feeling. No one ever sat me and Jace down and explained or _warned_ that there would be back and forth exchanges to this extent. Certainly, no one had told me, _“Hey Alec - best try and get used to feeling Jace having sex with other people at random moments without any warning!”_

Would I have refused the bond on that basis alone, had I known? Probably not. But _still_.

It was a weird, invasive feeling like realising how hungry you are all of a sudden, except I _wasn_ _’t_ hungry. It was rare enough, or it would have been if Jace could have limited himself to having a normal amount of sex. I could ignore if it I was prepared, like if I knew he was going out. Times like that pretty much always resulted in sex for Jace, unless it turned into _Fight Night Extraordinaire._ Then I’d get a miserable phone call asking me to come save him from whatever mess he got himself into.

“You’re very pretty when you’re miles away,” Magnus commented smoothly and I viciously scolded myself for not paying him the proper attention. Magnus was right here, taking me out on a lovely and very tasteful date to an _actual_ restaurant. I had never been on a date like this, or maybe…yeah OK, a date at all. So fine, this was my first date. Ever. It was nice, so far. The place was quiet and not packed, despite it being a Saturday night. The food was good and Magnus knew a lot about wine.

Wine was great, too.

“Thanks,” I said, drinking some more of that wonderful wine and hoping it would dull the distant sensation, albeit second hand, of Jace having _God Damned Apparently Endless Sex._ “I don’t think I am. People say I scowl less, but that’s about it.”

Magnus smirked. “I like that scowl. You’re very serious and it’s quite…well, sexy.”

I choked slightly on my wine. No one had ever called me that. _‘That jacket looks hot,’_ Jace would casually tell me. _‘Those pants are awesome, can I borrow those? They look like they’re painted on!’_ Never sexy, though.

I was flustered and blushing slightly. “Um…thanks?” I swallowed the wine and any remaining embarrassment. Magnus was very graceful. It was difficult to feel awkward around him, despite the lengths my brain was willing to go.

“You’re welcome,” he said. “So, tell me about your parents.”

With a sigh, I wondered what to say. I could be honest and rant endlessly about the complications between us, the distance between my Father and I. How much I worried for my Mother. How they affected Izzy, Max and Jace. I should have been honest.

“They’re all right,” I said. “Parents, y’know. Impervious to fault, endlessly kind and ceaselessly tolerant.”

He laughed a little. “I see. Do you get on well with them?”

I shifted. “Jace gets on great with Mom, Izzy with Dad. They both adore Max. Maybe he’s still perfect because he’s young. No mistakes, no disappointments yet. A clean canvas for their dreams and expectations.”

Ah, fuck. I’d said _way_ too much. Stupid, glorious wine.

Magnus didn’t comment on my overblown, depressing speech. He sipped his wine and chewed table bread. After a moment, he hesitated. “And what of Jace?”

I looked down. “Meaning?”

“Is it…complicated? I’ve had people tell me that many times.”

“It is not,” I said firmly. “Aside from the fact he’s my brother and Parabatai, Jace doesn’t factor into this conversation. Why… why do you even ask?”

Magnus gave a delicate shrug, showing a hint of awkwardness. “I have ears, Alexander. People talk. Shadowhunters, Downworlders, delivery guys.”

“Fucking delivery guys?” I muttered irritably.

“My _point_ ,” he went on. “Is simply that I like you, very much. I want to know you and that means asking questions about things like Jace.”

I massaged my temples, hoping to stave away an oncoming headache. Fuck you, wine. “So ask what you’re asking.”

“Are you in love with him?”

I looked closely at him. God, he was gorgeous. So attractive and intelligent and confident. I remembered kissing him. I liked it, wanted more of it. Oh so distantly, I felt a shudder of something that could only mean Jace was _finally_ done with his latest conquest. It was stronger than the last few times. Must have been quite a girl.

“No,” I said flatly. “I’m not. I had a kind of crush on him while growing up, but it’s not like how people think. I’m not in love with him.”

He stared at me, weighing my answer. “Very well,” he said after a moment or two. “We all have our past, our baggage. I accept yours.”

Desperate to move onto something else, I said, “And I accept yours.”

He laughed again, genuinely amused this time. “I have a lot more than two bags and a carry on, Alexander, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

“So let’s hear some of it,” I said bracingly, going for more wine despite the encroaching headache. “You’re the interesting one, Magnus.”

His eyes softened. “What would you like to know?”

“How about everything?”

*

The date had ended with a kiss, which while picture perfect had left me wanting a lot more. I felt like I had so much to catch up on, sex wise. It had taken me this long to go a God damned date, let alone kiss someone. It was later than I realised, almost midnight and I walked home instead of taking the underground.

Being alone at night generally made the whole being alone thing a bit easier. Daylight was harder, it had no sympathy for solitude. As I walked through the busy streets, people brushing past me without seeing me, I wondered what Jace was doing. If I concentrated hard enough I could probably sense what he was doing, but I preferred to wonder. The reality was usually grim; him laying in bed with some sexy girl _de jour_ or in this case, _de nuit_. They were probably snuggling in a sexy, non platonic way and he was most likely regaling her with his most dangerous exploits. He wouldn't stay the night and he wouldn't usually see her again after. 

_“Flavour’s gone,”_ he’d say, laughing.

But straight after sex, he liked to get to know them. He was probably curled up in her bed, stroking her hair, telling her who he was and why he was that way.

Stupid. No one would ever know Jace the way I did.

Fairly certain I was scowling again, I wondered if Jace ever thought I was sexy. Magnus did, apparently. Magnus who I’d just been on a date with. Why couldn’t he be first and foremost in my thoughts?

My phone went off and I stopped, looking at the screen.

It was Jace.

Frowning, I answered. “What’s wrong?”

Over the phone, I heard him heave a huge, rattling sigh and my heart plummeted. Shit, he was in trouble.

“ _Alec,_ _”_ he said, voice cracking a little. He was drunk, too. _“I need you.”_

“Where are you?” I asked, all business.

_“Sang’s,”_ he said and I rolled my eyes. Great, so he’d had sex _in the fucking bar_. _“Come get me?”_

_No, Jace. I was on a date with Magnus and it was great thanks for asking. Also, no I_ _’m not coming because it’s unfair to swagger through life assuming I’m always there to pick up the pieces of what you break and why the fuck did you have sex in the bar?_

“Yeah, of course. I’m coming now. Are you hurt?” He sighed and I heard the sob. Christ. “Jace,” I said insistently. “Answer me. Are you hurt?”

_“I really fucked up,”_ he told me. _“Please come get me, please.”_ He hung up.

I was fifteen minutes away and I broke into a run, flat out.

*

When I got there, the place was still heaving with patrons and the music thumped loudly. I was out of breath, but alert and focused. The guy at the door had the audacity to ask me for ID and then for twelve dollars entry. I shoved a twenty into his chest and barged past, ignoring his annoyed grunt.

“Hey,” I said, tapping on the shoulder of a guy I knew Jace was _Drunk Friends_ with. “You seen Jace?”

The music was loud and the guy turned, Adam, I thought but wasn’t sure. He blinked blearily at me.

“Whuh?”

Temper flared but I contained it. “Jace!” I all but yelled. “Is he here?”

Probably-Adam shrugged. “He was, earlier. Check the bathroom.”

With impressive restraint, I left without punching him in the face. I headed towards the Men’s Room, dreading what I might find when I spotted Jace, hunched and alone leaning against the bar.

Relief hit me hard, followed by anger that he a) seemed to be pretty much fine and b) had taken ten years off my life. I strode over to him, shoving sweaty, drunk dancers aside.

“Hey!” He didn’t react much at first, just poked his drink around on the bar. I shook his shoulder. “Jace!”

He jerked away from my hand and glared, but then he recognised me and the hostility drained away.

“Alec! O’m God, whah you doing here? D’ Magnus bring you here?” He was really drunk. Drunker than I’d seen him in months. He couldn’t focus, his words were slurred and when he turned fully, there was a huge love bite on his neck. Brilliant. “’s not a good date. I should talk t’im.”

“OK, we’re going. C’mon, get up.”

Jace reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me down a little. “Alec, ‘M sorry. Shouldn’a called you. I forgot and…this place is loud.”

I nodded, puling him gently up out of his seat. “That’s OK, let’s go get some air, huh?”

Without the seat, it was clear he couldn’t stand so I took as much of his weight as I could and frogmarched him out of the club. As we left, several people bade him farewell, including fuck face Adam who attempted to high five Jace and actually hit me in the chin.

Once outside, with the cold night air in my lungs and the music crushed down to a dull thump again, I felt better. We stopped for a moment so I could get a stronger grip on Jace and he turned, leaning his face into my collarbone. He heaved a sigh and his breath tickled my skin.

“Thank you,” he said softly. “Always save me.”

Closing my eyes briefly, I replied, “That’s what I’m here for.”

Jace managed to stand enough to wrap both arms around me. “Love you.”

Ignoring the sadness in my heart, I sighed, “Yeah, I love you too. Let’s go home.”

*

It wasn’t always this difficult, but it had never been easy. Jace was the love of my life before I even knew what love was. He came into our lives as a broken, but fearless child who pushed and tested those around him to see where he fit in. From Izzy, he found a warrior sister who could kick his ass but would most happily die protecting it. Our mother adored him and it took a while for him to accept that love. Our father was tolerant at first but made more effort eventually. It was he that Jace distrusted the most. The father figure.

In retrospect, I couldn’t pinpoint the moment it had happened. It wasn’t like lightning striking or some sudden realisation that our friendship had turned to something more. From the moment we met, we were friends. He liked me, I felt it. He smiled more for me, he had a different way of speaking when it was the two of us. He was open and honest in a way he couldn’t be with everyone else. Maybe I’d always been in love with him or maybe it was too gradual to notice.

What made it so difficult was the duelling knowledge that he didn’t feel the same, but that if he _did_ _…_ this was exactly how it would be between us. That if we were together, it would be precisely as it was now. We were so close, so connected and open. It was like living in a dream that was hard to break out of. Jace was clearly straight and the human embodiment of God’s Gift to Women. When he lost his virginity at fourteen, he told me everything. He was so giddy and excited, he came straight to my room and woke me up.

_“Alec! Alec, wake up!”_

_“Ugh, why?”_

_“Cos I had sex! Wake the fuck up so I can tell you about it!”_

_I listened groggily as he gave me a painfully detailed play by play of his first time with a sixteen year old girl he_ _’d been pursuing for about two weeks. He didn’t only give me details, he walked me through the whole thing. What he did, what she did, how it felt, what noises he made._

_When he was done, I couldn_ _’t help but irritably ask why he’d told me in such astounding detail._

_“Cos you weren’t there, idiot!” he said like it was obvious._

_Staring determinedly at my quilt, I asked,_ _“And I should have been?”_

_“My God Alec - it was just amazing and fuck yeah, you should’a been there! Next time, I’ll ask if she has a friend. We can take them to the movies, double up - it’ll be awesome.”_

_The lump in my throat was painful._ _“Jace…”_

_“What? You don’t wanna double? C’mon, man it’ll be fun! You never come out with me and I’m telling you, sex is_ the beeeeeest _! Susie_ _’s got tons of hot friends, I can pick one you’d like. She’s got this blonde one, suuuper hot with great legs and-”_

_“Jace!”_

_His rambling came to a halt._ _“What?” he asked in a small, concerned voice._

_I closed my eyes._ _“Jace, I don’t wanna…go out with a girl.”_

_The silence that followed was pure, distilled agony. I knew he understood right away. I_ _’d never told anyone before but Jace knew me, he knew what it meant. I waited in limbo, terrified and yet stupidly hopeful._

_“That’s…that’s fine, man. You know it’s fine.”_

_I sighed shakily._ _“Fine is a stupid word.”_

_He grinned lopsidedly._ _“OK, it’s wonderful. It’s great, actually - it’s fucking fantastic. I know TONS of hot guys! You should’a said something earlier!”_

_A weight lifted in my chest, something that had been there a while, but it was immediately replaced with a fresh new one._ _“No,” I said quickly. “I don’t want that. I…no one else can know.”_

_“Oh,” he said softly. “Just you and me then?”_

_Yes, Jace. You and me forever._

_“Yeah, if that’s OK. The more time I can buy myself with Mom and Dad the better. Plus, y’know - the Clave aren’t exactly thrilled at the general concept.”_

_“Oh well,” he said rolling his eyes. “If the Clave aren’t happy then we can’t possible live our lives or enjoy ourselves!”_

_“Be serious,” I admonished. “The law is hard-”_

_“-but it is the law, yeah Alec, I’ve heard that once or twice. There is NO fucking law against you loving who you choose to love.”_

_I kept my face neutral, but inside my heart was heavy once more. It might have been easier for Jace to be politely disgusted with me. Loving him was impossibly painful and every day it grew. Maybe if there_ was _a law_ _… maybe then I could let it go._

_“Yeah,” I said with a fake smile. “You’re right. You know, I think we should talk to them about it.”_

_“About your gayness?”_

_“No,” I deadpanned. “About the Parabatai thing.”_

_The smirk vanished. His beautiful face was still and open, caught offguard._ _“You mean it?”_

_“Yeah. Of course I do.”_

_I wondered if he knew why, in that moment. He stared at me for so long that I began to think he knew. Finally he broke the silence and smiled._ _“This is the best night of my life.”_

_He meant it, that was what hurt so much. He was genuine. Jace could be so flippant and guarded with others, but with me he was always himself. Maybe if he was himself with everyone else, they_ _’d fall in love with him too. Probably, he was that amazing._

_“I’m glad,” I told him as he leaned into me for a hug._

_I wrapped myself around him and closed my eyes tight._

_*_

“Will you shut the fuck up and drink the water? Angel give me _strength_!”

Jace snickered into the glass of water, spilling it as he did. “Only you make that sound funny. Water tastes bad, don’t we have juice?”

He was in my bed because that’s where he wanted to go. He claimed it was bigger and softer, which it was definitely not, but I caved because he was noisy when drunk and the others were asleep.

“No juice,” I said sternly. “Drink the water and go to sleep.”

He placed the glass down on my bedside table carefully, legs dangling over the side. He was still pretty much fully dressed, jacket tossed on a nearby chair. I stood before him, arms crossed, and hoped he would just do as I said for once and actually sleep.

Drunk Jace was _dangerous_. Sober Jace was tactile and relaxed about personal space as it was. Drunk Jace, as with all traits when drenched in alcohol, was much more amplified. Sometimes he wanted to snuggle, cuddle, spoon or… sometimes he wanted to _talk_. The talking was by far the worst. Jace would talk for hours about things; himself, me, the world, his fears, his desires. It was too much, too difficult and every time I got suckered into it, it was even worse the next morning when he remembered none of it and I was left cut open from his beautiful, painful honesty.

I waited, but my instincts said the night air had woken him up too much. He kicked his legs impatiently and unbuttoned his shirt.

“Don’t wanna sleep,” he said petulantly. “I’m awake.”

Fucking hell. “OK, fine stay up - I’m going to bed.”

He threw back the covers and extended a hand, face utterly guileless. “OK,” he said, trusting and pure like a child. “We can whisper under the covers like we did when we were kids.”

“No,” I said with _supreme_ effort. “You need sleep and I’m gonna go sleep in your bed, OK?”

He kicked off his boots. “If you don’t stay with me, I could drown in a puddle of vomit. Or fall out of bed. Or dial an ex. Any number of disasters could befall the great Jace Herondale without his better half by his side.”

“You’ll be fine,” I said, strong enough not to be thrown by petty manipulations.

He sighed gently and laid back on the pillows, shirtless. “Please?” he said quietly. “I’ll tell you what happened at the club if you stay.”

The silence was thick as I went to the door, but I felt his relief when I locked it and turned back to him, kicking my boots off and rolling my eyes.

“All right, but you’re gonna keep it down, OK? Izzy’s up early.”

He nodded eagerly, compliant now I’d given in. He made space for me, plumping my pillow unnecessarily and sitting up straight. He didn’t seem drunk now. Jace had a fairly terrifying tolerance for alcohol, always had. I wondered how much he’d drunk earlier to get himself into such a state.

I took my shirt off, but left my vest on. The bed was soft and alluring as I sat down, my body aching for sleep but my treacherous heart was pounding because here we fucking went _again_.

I laid back and turned on my side to face him, where he was waiting, the mirror image of me except beautiful, blonde and everything I loved.

He smiled softly. “Hey.”

“So what happened?”

“I got drunk.”

“No shit.”

“And I met someone.”

“OK.”

He paused, chewing his bottom lip hesitantly. “Alec, it was a guy.”

Razor sharp, something stabbed through my chest. “What?”

Jace blinked rapidly. “I…I had sex with a guy.”

I sat up a little, mouth open. “Jace, are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

“What guy? Who?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t remember his name. What does it matter?”

I raised my hand to gesticulate when I saw it was shaking and quickly lowered it. “It _matters_ because you had sex _with a fucking guy!_ ”

“Are you mad?” Jace asked, frowning.

Mad really wasn’t the word. How about bone splintering betrayal? I felt that, for sure.

“I don’t understand,” I said, trying to stay calm, but obviously failing because Jace reached out and touched my face, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb.

“Why are you upset?” he asked in a pained whisper.

“I’m _not_ upset,” I lied. “I’m just…shocked. Jace, you realise you lost your gay virginity with some guy whose name you don’t even know?”

“Is it called that? Gay virginity? Am I gay now?”

“How the fuck should I know?” I shrieked hysterically. He sat up quickly, hand on my shoulders.

“Shush!” he admonished in an almost perfect imitation of me. “Alec, please. I just need you to…tell me it’s OK. Things like this happen, don’t they? It’s normal and it doesn’t mean anything. OK?”

His hands kneaded the flesh of my shoulders and I felt like I was in a dream. His sad, desperate plea for reassurance was almost too much to handle.

“Why did you do it?” I asked in a low voice.

“I don’t know.”

“You had sex with a man and you don’t know why?”

Looking down, he said, “I wanted to know…how it feels.”

“Because?”

When he didn’t respond, my heart broke a little more. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered because he was Jace and I was Alec and this dance would go on forever. I loved him and that was enough to look the other way and give only what he wanted from me. “It’s all right,” I said, placing my hands over the top of his. “It doesn’t matter, Jace.”

He looked up, eyes shining with hope and sorrow. “Really?”

“Yup. I mean, girls do it a lot, don’t they? I hear they do. And it doesn’t matter. It’s only sex and I suppose it was a matter of time before you ran out of girls.”

His smile made the lies worth it. It always did.

*


	2. Chapter Two: Deny Me Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

**-Dark of the Moon-**

**-Chapter Two: Deny Me Nothing-**

_‘_ _It hurts to love you_

_But I still love you_

_It's just the way I feel_

_And I'd be lying_ _If I kept hiding_

_T_ _he fact that I can't deal_

_And that I've been dying_

_For something real_

_But I've been dying for something real._ _’_

_-Lana Del Rey_

_*_

**-Jace-**

My head wasn’t as bad as it had been before. That wasn’t the issue. It was more the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I became conscious. A bad feeling that spoke of things I’d done the night before in total lack of judgement.

The sick feeling was easy to ignore after a few seconds, though. Easy to dismiss after years of practise. As I opened my eyes, Alec was asleep beside me, sharing the same pillow. We’d fallen asleep like this so many times, face to face, knees to knees, our backs framing the exterior of a world created by our bodies. His face was relaxed, that small frown smoothed out perfectly. I listened to the rhythm of his breathing, matched my own to it and felt better than I had in days.

It was tough. Being without him sometimes, knowing he was with Magnus. Alec had never gone on a date, was never anywhere I couldn’t follow. It was selfish as hell, but I couldn’t deny that him turning his attention to someone else was difficult for me to deal with.

Last night was a disaster in more ways than one. I didn’t even really want to think about it too much, Alec had told me it was OK and I was going to run with that. Another stupid mistake I would forget about in less than a week. Practise made perfect.

He stirred and I watched, endlessly fascinated to see him return to consciousness. I’d seen it a million times, but it never got boring. I was always eager for him to wake up and _see me_ , in the way that only he could.

When he finally opened his eyes, he smiled softly. “Hey,” he said, voice rough. “How do you feel?”

“Fine. Headache like a death march, but otherwise good.”

He nodded, staring patiently and I knew he didn’t believe me. It didn’t matter; he wouldn’t press me for the truth. He would never push for anything I didn’t want to give. I stared back, content to stay a few more seconds in _our_ world. Alec and Jace. Nothing else.

Hesitantly, he reached up and very gently pressed his thumb to my bottom lip, staring at it with a soft frown. “You cut it,” he said. “Your lip.”

He didn’t say _how_ it got cut, he phrased it like it could have been an accident in training or _anything_ other than how it happened. We weren’t going to talk about it and that was for the best, I supposed.

I grinned. “Not that it’ll taint my charming smile.”

He rolled his eyes and withdrew, the moment breaking like a bubble. “What could?”

*

Breakfast was fun, as always. Good natured bickering between Izzy and Alec, Clary and Simon laughing about various _Mundane_ things I often didn’t understand. I liked watching them all, my family. I felt both intimately a part of and disconnected from it. Izzy and Alec were my siblings in every way that mattered, but a voice that so echoed my father told me that I would never truly be a Lightwood. They were too good, too pure. They didn’t have a darkness inside them. I was close to Clary, she felt like a sister to me but again, she wasn’t. We were friends, but it was little in the blinding light of her lifelong friendship with Simon and didn’t quite stand up to her strong bond with Izzy.

I was an outsider in so many ways, kept firmly _inside_ a circle I didn’t deserve by the determination of better people. It had always been this way, except for Alec, of course. The one place I felt like I belonged.

From the very start, something inside me had identified him as _mine. My_ best friend. _My_ Parabatai. I sipped at a glass of juice and wondered how it would feel when he was officially no longer _mine,_ but Magnus’s. Maybe it was already happening. He was happy with him, I felt it. I’d felt it last night.

The glass smashed spectacularly in my hand, juice and broken glass flying everywhere. Clary jumped and gasped while Simon frantically looked around for signs of danger, but Izzy and Alec - with their Shadowhunter instincts - knew what had happened straight away. I’d smashed the glass, like some fucking attention seeking teenager. Brilliant.

“Sorry!” I said with a wry grin, carefully placing the remaining shards of glass in the nearby sink. “Flimsy ass design. Not built for my manliness.” Izzy rolled her eyes and went for the broom.

Alec was there in a second, holding my hand under the tap. He ignored my feeble protests. “You’re bleeding,” he said, like that was all that mattered. When my hand was free of glass, he moved my wrist under the icy stream of water and held it there, like I might move away.

“Oh, I see,” Simon said leaning over to watch. “Chill the blood to stem the flow. Good idea. I can’t smell it so much when its cold as well.”

“Yeah,” Alec said dryly. “That’s the plan, Simon.”

I felt like a child under his careful ministrations. He didn’t let go of my wrist, holding it until it was numb as he very carefully brushed out the few stubborn splinters of glass from the deep cut across my palm. I watched him the whole time.

“Thank you,” I said, when he felt I was done.

He sighed, but smiled. “What would you do without me?”

Simon snickered. “Get a room, guys.”

*

The rune healed the cut in no time, but left an invisible scar; jagged and stinging across my palm. I shook it off best I could and no one asked me if I was OK, which was a bonus. But things didn’t feel OK. Everything pretty fucking far from OK and it was nothing to do with my hand.

“Yeah,” Alec said into the phone, his voice softer than it usually was. “Yeah, that sounds great. No, I like all kinds of food actually.” He laughed. “Exactly. All right then, I’ll see you there. You too, bye.”

You too? What did that mean? What was said on the other end? It hadn’t been enough dates for that, but God this was Alec’s first _boyfriend_ and he was naive after all. The thought of something revolving around the L Word literally made my stomach clench and roll.

Which was pathetic. Alec was happy. He was smiling, soft and fragile with blossoming hope and new found expression of his inner gayness so what was _wrong with me?_

Because usually, I was the one who made him laugh and smile like that. Usually, I was the only one who could and it hurt that Magnus could do it better. Could do it over the phone, like some kind of… _Lothario_!

“Jesus, what is up your ass?” Izzy asked me casually as she walked past.

I bit down the snarky, self-deprecating response referencing last night and forced my face to turn neutral. “Huh?” I asked, playing dumb.

Izzy, smart and sharp as a whip, narrowed her eyes and instantly knew everything about me, my life and the shitty, shitty person I was inside for being jealous of Alec’s happiness. She didn’t say anything, but she just shook her head as if to say, _‘You’re better than that.’_

“You going out again with Magnus?” she asked Alec, turning from me as though the entire thing hadn’t happened. “That’s great!”

Alec was still looking at the phone. “Yeah,” he said. “He didn’t tell me where though. It’s a surprise.”

“That’s _awesome_ ,” I said, way too loudly. With a cough, I toned it down. “That’s really cool, man. Have fun. When is it? Tonight?”

“No, it’s Wednesday.”

I was still nodding. Jesus. “Awesome. Wednesday dates are…the best. None of that, y’know. Weekend crowd. So great.”

Izzy shot me a look. “Anyway, are we patrolling tonight? If not, I have a date of my own.”

 _“You_ have a date?” I asked, slanting a brow.

She shrugged. “If I’m free.”

Alec sighed. “Izzy, how do you have a date without making solid plans?”

“Cause I’m fluid,” she said, rather suggestively, causing Alec to roll him eyes. “Anyway, not everyone needs to be wined and dined for it to constitute a date.”

“Jace and I will patrol tonight,” Alec said. “You go on your…fluid date.”

I wrinkled my nose. “That doesn’t sound right at all.”

“Are you sure?” she hedged. “Cause I worry about you two without me. You tend to get horribly injured and wind up covered in demon slime.”

“Sounds like your fluid date,” I joked.

She whacked me on the shoulder. “You should talk, bathroom boy.”

I froze for a moment, caught in uncertainty. Had Alec told her? No. He wouldn’t do that. She was referring to my many _other_ bathroom exploits with women, of course.

Alec, to his credit, didn’t even flinch. “What Jace does with nice ladies in semi-private bathroom stalls is his business,” he admonished playfully.

Izzy grimaced. “Not when you’re trying to pee in the next stall, it’s not.”

*

Patrol was a bust. Typical, whenever I was looking for an outlet to vent my inner loathing and rage, every demonic entity in New York decided to fucking Netflix and Chill. Good thing we didn’t bring Izzy, she would have been pissed at sacrificing her date for nothing.

There were upsides, though. Having Alec all to myself was always great. Parabatai quality time, no Magnus necessary. We walked around, checking known demonic party areas and even spoke to a few local scumbags who were always happy to squeal for a few bucks. Nada. It was a lovely night, though.

“It’s a lovely night,” I said, looking up at the starless, light polluted sky. Alec didn’t respond. “Alec?” I prompted. “Isn’t it?”

He was checking his phone. Face lit up in the whitish blue light. He deposited it swiftly, wiping the small smile away. “Huh? Isn’t it what?”

I made a disgusted noise. “Can’t believe you’re ignoring me.”

He clucked irritably. “Hardly ignoring you, Jace.”

“Well, so- _rreeee_ I interrupted you and Magnus texting sweet nothings while we’re in a potentially dangerous combat situation!”

He looked around for emphasis. “Dangerous combat? Seriously? There’s nothing out here.”

I really wanted to let it drop, but something childish and angry refused. “Yeah, if Magnus isn’t out here I guess there’s nothing worthy of your attention.”

“OK,” he grabbed my shoulder and shoved me around to face him. “This is ridiculous. Am I supposed to act baffled by your behaviour? Like I don’t know you? Grow up, Jace. It’s not fair, what you’re doing.”

“What am I doing?”

“You’re…” he stopped, looked away. “You don’t like it that I’m paying someone else attention.”

Instinctive hackles went up. “Oh, please.”

“You don’t like it and you don’t know what to do about it. You’re just used to having me give you everything whenever you want.”

“Give me everything?” I sneered. “Fuck off, Alec.”

He flinched. “What do you want from me? You want…you want me to break up with him? You want me to go back in the god damned closet and pretend?”

“No, of course not!”

“Then what? Jesus, after everything I’ve had to witness from _you?_ You can’t let me be happy? Just for a while? Not even from a _text_?”

“We’re patrolling! It could distract you!”

He stared at me very plainly. “We never talk about it.”

Oh fuck. “Don’t.”

“We never really ever spoke about it, Jace.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“I know that. You think I don’t know that there’s _nothing_ to talk about? But we just pretended like you didn’t know and…”

“Because it’s bullshit!”

“…what?”

“Alec, you’re not in love with me, OK? It’s not real. Look, you’re gay and you were repressed. I’m hot, we’re close, it’s natural to have… like a crush! It was a crush.”

I might as well have punched him. “How can you say _any_ of that to me?”

“Because it’s true! You’re not in love with me and you weren’t at any time. That’s not…not possible.”

“Why?”

 _“Why_?” I laughed, somewhat desperately. “Because you’re perfect! Look at you and look at…” My breath caught in my chest. “You’re just perfect and - and beautiful and its a miracle even that you love me at all. Being your Parabatai is the best thing in the world. No stupid crush is gonna fuck that up.”

Yeah, that was good. Solid ground, good argument, back to reality. All right then. Except…

He was just staring at me, looking down slightly because he was so tall. “Jace.” That was all he said. Just my name, as if that was admonishment enough.

Snarkily, I replied, “Alec.”

I wondered what he’d do for a moment. There seemed to be something he was trying to make his mind up about, but when it passed I knew whatever it was, he’d decided on the Alec Lightwood trifecta of Logic-Rationality-Sense.

“You need to get more sleep,” is what I eventually got. “You’re tired and on edge all the time lately. It’s not like you.”

“What _is_ like me?”

“Being my brother, my friend. Not…this.”

“I am your friend. I’m sorry, man this is all…it’s really fucked up in my head right now.”

He looked away. “I know. I can feel it.”

We rarely spoke of the ‘I feel, you feel’ aspect and mostly, I pretended it wasn’t _that_ much of a two way street, but at times like this it was hard to deny how much we bled into each other. Only Alec’s iron will and strength of character held us upright and apart, because honestly, I would have fallen into him at the first chance. Who wouldn’t want to be more Alec and less Jace?

“I’m sorry,” I said again, gentler this time. “Really.”

“Me too.” Yeah, even though he did fuck all wrong as usual. “You’re right, as well. It’s not professional.”

“What’s not?”

He held up his phone, before pocketing it. “The texting.”

“Oh,” I said, sickly guilt trickling down my spine. “No, come on - I was being an asshole, that’s not…”

“No,” he countered calmly. “You were right.”

I didn’t say anything, just allowed myself to feel like the worst person in the world, especially given that it was true. Seriously, _who_ wouldn’t want to be less Jace?

*

A week passed. A fucking week and I got zero medals despite _deserving_ them for a) containing my asshole personality long enough for Alec to go on his date and b) getting through the week at all. Alec had a lovely time (apparently) and the date was a success.

I hooked up with a girl and after fucking her in the alley behind the club, I gave her my real number. She was actually pretty nice. I called her twice during that week and both times she answered, making witty small talk. I planned to ask her out at the weekend and I was high-fucking-key determined to make this date (yeah, it’s a date - I can go on dates!) into something more than the quick fuck we began with.

I stared at her number in my phone. Alyssa 3. I already had the numbers for two other girls called Alyssa and though I’d deleted them now, I hadn’t when I took her number hence the numerical status of my new maybe-girlfriend.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ Simon asked.

I looked up from my phone. ‘Existing. Being hot. Evolving. What are _you_ doing?’

‘I didn’t even know you guys used phones,’ he said suspiciously. ‘Seriously, since when does Jace Herondale sit and stare are his phone? Waiting on a call?’

I glared. ‘About to make one, actually, fuck-face.’

He didn’t flinch at the loving insult and waited expectantly as I hit dial on Alyssa 3.

‘ _Hello?_ _’_

I sat up straighter. ‘Alyssa, hi. It’s Jace. Again.’

Simon mouthed the word, _again_ , looking bemused.

‘ _Yeah, hey. How_ _’s it going?’_

‘It’s good. I’m good. All is…good.’ Simon bit down a laugh. ‘So, anyway I was wondering if you wanted to meet up this Saturday?’

 _‘Meet up?’_ she echoed, sounding like she was smiling. ‘ _Like we_ met up _last time?_ _’_

‘Uh, no. I mean like. For a, y’know. We could go somewhere with…food.’

After a long, painful moment punctuated with Simon’s giggles, she said, _‘I like food. We can get food. Did you have a building in mind or are we walking the streets with snack platters?’_

‘There’s actually this little place downtown I really like. Great wine.’

She laughed. _‘You like wine?’_

‘Sure,’ I lied. ‘Anyway, I’ll text you the address if that’s cool?’

 _‘Yeah, I think so,_ ’ she said, in a smiley way. _‘Anyway I gotta go. See you Saturday.’_

‘OK, bye.’

I looked at Simon defiantly. He had adopted a calculated expression. ‘So,’ he said. ‘Going to the place Magnus took Alec?’

‘What? No.’

‘You don’t know any places downtown and you certainly don’t like wine.’

‘Oh, well. Yeah. Alec told me about it and it sounded really great.’

‘So I ask again,’ he said leaning back. ‘You’re taking this girl to the same place Magnus took Alec?’

‘Y’know, I really don’t like all this “so and so took so and so here!” They both went, Magnus didn’t _take_ Alec there, Alec isn’t the girl.’

Simon nodded calmly. ‘That’s fair. It’s an antiquated expression with unnecessary gender leanings. Allow me to rephrase. So you’re competing with Alec and Magnus?’

‘Fuck you, vampire.’

‘Despite your eternal apparent hotness, you are _not_ my type.’

He was looking at me with the same kind of knowing Izzy sometimes hit me with. ‘Where’s Clary?’

‘Out,’ he shrugged, not missing a beat. ‘You know what, you guys should _double._ _’_

‘Clary _?_ _’_

 _‘_ You and Alicia—’

‘Alyssa.’

‘And Alec and Magnus. Double date!’

I glared again. ‘You’re _funny_.’

‘Dear God, Herondale. Get over yourself.’

I texted Alyssa the address, after Googling it. ‘If I could, I’d get _under_ myself.’

He nodded. ‘I have no doubt about that whatever. So you like this girl, huh?’

‘She’s cool.’

‘What’s she look like?’

‘Why?’

‘Just wondering.’

‘Wonder elsewhere, I’m busy. Fucking hell, go stalk Clary, won’t you?’

‘Well,’ he said, getting up. ‘I’m gonna break your heart and leave. Let me know how your date goes.’

‘A date?’ I looked up. Alec was there, leaning in the doorway. God, how long had he been there? ‘You have a date?’

Defensive, I rubbed the back of my neck. ‘Uh, yeah.’

He wasn’t judging or teasing, but I knew he was reading me in that way only he could. ‘That’s great. What’s she like?’

‘Catch you later, guys,’ Simon said as he left.

‘Bye,’ Alec said with a gentle smile, never taking his eyes off me.

‘Later man,’ I said. ‘Well, she’s really cool and funny. I like her.’

My Parabatai nodded. ‘I’m glad.’

An awkward silence bubble began to grow. Alyssa text back saying she would see me there.

‘Alec, I meant to ask,’ I said, standing up. ‘I uh, don’t really know where to go for a date. Not really my scene, so I was hoping it’d be cool if I took her to that place you and Magnus went to.’

He blinked. ‘Yeah. I guess. It’s a nice place.’

‘So it’s OK?’

‘I don’t own it. Take her wherever.’ He seemed a little frosty.

‘OK, great. That’s…yeah. Recommend anything good?’

There was a pause before he pushed away from the door-frame and turned to leave. ‘Don’t fuck her in the bathroom. It’s a classy place.’

*

After that, something was clearly wrong. I shouldn’t have taken her there, I knew that much but I didn’t exactly know _why_. Was he pissed thinking I was trying to compete with him and Magnus? That I was showing off? That I was trying to get his attention? Because if he was, it was all true.

The date was fun, at least.

Alyssa was the kind of person I could have been friends with if she weren’t so hot. She really _was_ very cool and had a sharp sense of humour. As we drank wine (fucking wine) over a small table and picked at some garlicky bread shaped like a leaf, she told me about herself in the kind of way that painted an interesting, well rounded picture but that clearly left out anything too serious and personal.

‘So, what are you gonna tell me?’ she said, taking a bite of the leaf bread.

I smiled. ‘What do you mean?

With a shrug, she said, ‘Well, you’re private. You’re secretive and very good at making it seem like you’re not. So I’m curious what you’ll share.’

She offered me some bread, which I took. ‘Psych major?’

‘Philosophy and music. I’m intuitive.’

‘OK,’ I laughed. ‘Well. You’re right, I’m pretty private about some stuff.’

She brushed her hands of the crumbs, taking a sip of wine. ‘That’s fair. Do you want to share a little? I like you, I’d be open to knowing you better.’

 _You_ _’ll never know me like Alec_. ‘Yeah sure. OK, uh…not actually sure where to start.’ I struggled to be honest. The dazzling lies were front and centre in my mouth ready to fall out, but I wanted to make an effort. ‘Do you want bullet points? Favourite colour and that shit?’

She laughed and the couple at the next table looked mildly scandalised.

‘That shit is a good place to start. Give me five Jace Bullet Points.’

I held my hand up to count. ‘I like blue. My full name is Jonathon. I hate planes. I can kick ass when need be and I speak four languages.’

She narrowed her eyes. ‘No, you don’t.’

I burst out laughing. ‘Damn, you are good. No, you got me. But doesn’t it always sound cool when people say that? The others are legit, though.’

‘You can kick ass? Is that like real ass or metaphorical ass?’

‘Both.’

‘Awesome. You have family?’

‘Sister and…’ I paused with a frown, wondering how best to describe the other half of my soul. ‘A brother,’ I went with in the end.

‘Parents?’

‘No,’ I told her. ‘You?’

‘Only child, two Dads. The best in the world.’

I drank some red wine. ‘Was it tough at school?’

‘Because of them? Not really. Few whispered comments here and there but I was lucky, really. Lotta people get it so much worse.’

I nodded. ‘Alec, my brother, is gay.’

Her eyes brightened. ‘Is he single? I’ve got a lot of gay friends.’

I rubbed my neck, starting to be aware of how much I was doing that lately. ‘Uh, no he’s seeing someone.’

‘They serious?’

I stared at the wine glass. ‘Yeah, I think so. It’s his first boyfriend.’

She moved on, asking me about college and jobs and other Mundane things I was forced to at least partially lie about but my mind stayed on her question about Alec and Magnus.

‘You sure you’re OK?’ she asked as I walked her home after the meal.

‘Yeah,’ I lied, trying to shake it off. ‘I’m sorry, it’s gonna sound like a line but I really haven’t been on many dates before.’ We stopped outside what was apparently her apartment building. ‘I’m out of my league,’ I added with a charming grin.

She leaned in a little. ‘How about we find a more familiar lane?’

Her smell was inviting and having already slept with her once before did not diminish the anticipation of repeating the experience.

‘Are you inviting me up for coffee?’

‘I’m inviting you up so we can fuck, honey.’

*

It had happened before. Angel fucking damn it all to hell. It _had_ happened, but never, ever like this.

We were having sex - of course we were having sex. She was hot and pushy in bed and felt fantastic. I was so into it, I barely even noticed it happening at first. This _other_ pleasure, slow and curling around my own distantly approaching orgasm. She was on top and as I flipped her over, reversing our positions, I began to feel it a little more. My pleasure intensified, increasing and evolving into something new.

‘Fuck!’ I gasped, losing my rhythm a little. She arched up, nudging me deeper into her.

‘You like that?’ She bit her lip, eyes heavy lidded.

I tried to focus. ‘Y-yeah.’ When I started to move again, a deep, aching twist hit me hard in the centre of my chest. A jolt of something physical only ever caused by sexual activity. With a rush of dizzying realisation, I knew it was Alec. Alec was doing…something with Magnus the same time I was fucking Alyssa.

Oh fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I could feel his pleasure, his enjoyment of _whatever_ they were doing together. Holy fucking hell we were doing it at the same time. The very few times it had happened before was when we were younger, obviously accidentally whacking off at the same time but it was nothing like this.

Eyes screwed up tight, I fucked her harder. She made the kind of noises which meant she liked what I was doing, but I couldn’t focus on her. It was all Alec. He was everywhere, in everything. He was inside me, twisting my pleasure into his own and vice versa.

‘Ohhhhh fuck, yeah,’ I said, barely able to keep up the pace. ‘Come on, yeah.’

She tightened her legs around me, hands clawing at my back. ‘That’s it,’ she said, urging me on. ‘C’mon, make me come.’

My legs ached and my back was gonna give hell tomorrow, but I couldn’t stop. I knew what I was waiting for and it wasn’t Alyssa. Alec felt so good, whatever Magnus was doing felt amazing and everything was muddled and there were no boundaries between us anymore. She orgasmed hard, clenching around me but I didn’t want to come yet. Alec was so close….so fucking close.

‘Come on, baby,’ I panted, eyes shut as I tried to find him in my mind’s eye. ‘Come for me.’

Alec _exploded._ His orgasm ripped through me, triggering my own. My eyes rolled back, my mind detached from reality. Wave after wave of abject bliss shocked through me, through _us._ Did he feel it too?

‘Ohh my God,’ Alyssa was saying, running her hands up and down my back. ‘That was fucking amazing.’

She leaned up to kiss me and it felt like a betrayal. I kissed her back of course, trembling through the aftermath of what the fuck had just happened.

‘Glad to be of service,’ I said, planting another kiss and rolling away. ‘Can I use your shower?’

She laughed, stretching. ‘Sure, pass me a handtowel will you?’

From the bathroom, I tossed her one and closed the door behind me. I pulled off the condom and dropped it in the small waste basket by the sink. Shower running, I tried to pull myself together.

‘Fuuuuck, fuck fuck fucking fuck,’ I whispered, gripping the basin hard as I stared in the slowly steaming mirror. It felt like I’d been fucking Alec and no amount of telling myself contrary made any difference.

*


	3. Chapter Three: Don't Look at Me Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of flashbacks reveal rooftop promises and the extent Alec takes care of Jace, while in the present awkwardness abounds after the shared experience.

**\- Dark of the Moon -**

**\- Chapter Three: Don** **’t Look at Me Like That -**

_‘Watch the dust come down on the wreckage of another day,_

_Feeling older than my years._

_The fridge is empty, it's been 48 hours since I used the door._

_Got myself a little cocoon in here._

_Stepping out onto the balcony,_

_The sun sets the sky on fire for me._

_A high-rise horizon,_

_A lullaby of sirens sings to me._ _’_

_\- Maiday_

**-Alec-**

_Four Years Ago_

_‘It can’t possibly be that bad,’ I told him. Jace wouldn’t look up at me from where his face rested in his hands. ‘C’mon, just tell me and whatever it is, we’ll fix it like we always do.’_

_Fucking hell, what was wrong? My stomach was in knots, heart thundering in terror at what had Jace Herondale, my Parabatai, crying on the roof of the Institute. I kept my countenance well enough, though._

_‘I can’t,’ he croaked. ‘I’m so fucked.’_

_He looked so damned young, knees hitched up to his chest as he cried. I couldn_ _’t bear it. I wedged myself beside him, ignoring the painful scrape of tiles against my shins._

_‘I don’t want to hear any of that absolute bullshit, OK?’ I told him sternly, pulled him against me and wrapping an arm around him. ‘Tell me so I can make it better. Please.’_

_Finally, he looked up and dragged his cuff across his nose._ _‘Ugh,’ he sighed. ‘I don’t know how to even say it.’_

_‘Try.’_

_‘OK, so - you know Katie?’_

_I wrinkled my nose, trying to recall. Jace was seventeen and having sex with everything that moved on a regular basis._ _‘Sure,’ I lied in the end._

_He heaved a great, messy sob and I held him tighter._

_‘She’s pregnant.’_

_Cramming down my initial response, I took a calming breath._ _‘And…it’s yours?’_

_‘She says it is,’ he managed weakly, gesturing._

_‘OK. What else did she say?’_

_He shook his head._ _‘She says I have a week to give her ten grand or she’s gonna get rid of it.’_

_‘What?’_

_‘I don’t know where I’m gonna get it.’_

_‘Jace-’_

_‘I’m gonna have to steal it, somehow. I guess I could, but if the Clave find out, then I’m double fucked.’_

_‘_ Jace!’

_He closed his eyes._ _‘You’re mad at me.’_

_‘I’m not mad at you.’_

_He chuckled darkly._ _‘Suppose it was only a matter of time before I knocked up some mundane, huh?’_

_I rolled my eyes._ _‘A little late, to be honest.’_

_‘I’m fucked, right?’_

_‘Jace,’ I said gently. ‘You haven’t given thought to the fact she might be lying to get money?’_

_‘She showed me the test.’_

_‘That doesn’t mean anything.’_

_‘Well, what I am supposed to do then?’ he asked hotly, pushing away from me. ‘Make her take a piss test right in front of me? Frog march her to a fucking ultrasound or whatever?’_

_‘I don’t know, but maybe hold off robbing a bank for at least a day!’_

_He stood up, stepping close to the edge. I followed him, of course._

_‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly. ‘I just…everything is fucked up right now. I don’t know what to do.’_

_‘Do you want her to keep it?’_

_He sighed and closed his eyes._ _‘I keep thinking about how if I can just get the money, you know? She said she’ll have it and then give it to me, that I can raise it.’_

_I refrained from commenting. Jace was always a little naive when it came to women, but this was beyond the pale._

_‘All right, if she is pregnant - if!’ I warned. ‘Then I’ll lend you the money.’_

_Ten thousand dollars was nothing to my parents and I could get the money no problem. Jace would never accept a gift, he was much too proud, even coming from his Parabatai. A loan, though, he might take that._

_‘I can’t,’ he protested, but it was weak._

_‘Shut the fuck up,’ I cut him off. ‘You can pay me back. With interest, OK?’_

_There was silence for a while as we stood, side by side looking out at the city. I felt a sense of peace fall over him at last. We had not yet spoken of what would happen if Katie_ was _pregnant, of how he would raise a child as a Shadowhunter. That was not what Jace feared. Jace feared inertia, being unable to help. My beautiful Parabatai was brought to tears only at the prospect of his own limits._

_‘Will you help me?’ he asked, after a while. ‘If she’s not lying. Will you help me-’_

_‘Raise it?’_

_So quietly, he said,_ _‘Yes.’_

_It was ridiculous. The whole thing would turn out to be nothing more than a spiteful, malicious lie. But he was my everything and nothing mattered like he did. I took his hand in mine. There was only ever one answer to that question._

_‘Of course, I will.’_

* * *

‘So, another fluid date, huh?’

Izzy shrugged and stirred her drink. ‘There were considerably less fluids than I expected on the last date, this one may make up for it. He’s hot enough, don’t get me wrong. He’s just slow moving.’ She looked off to the side, frowning. ‘Always makes me uneasy.’

‘You never like to tarry.’

‘Unlike you, brother mine.’ She swivelled her full attention to me. ‘So.’

‘Here we go.’

‘What went down with Magnus, pun _most_ intended?’

‘Uh,’ I stalled. ‘We had a lot of fun.’

‘Yeeees?’ she said, gesturing for me to go on.

‘There may have been hands involved.’

She laughed. ‘Ladies don’t kiss and tell, huh?’

‘Shut up!’ I took a swig of bottled beer and shook my head. ‘I don’t know, how do you ever feel easy just talking about this stuff? You’d think growing up with you and Jace, I wouldn’t have any problem saying…y’know.’

‘Hand jobs?’

‘Yeah. That.’

‘Was it good?’

‘It was great.’

She smiled. ‘So happy for you.’

‘Yeah.’ I wanted to talk to her about what had happened, the spill over with Jace. I was confused and more than a little shaken by it. ‘So, how’s Mom?’

Urgh, coward.

‘She’s doing OK. Dad’s continuing his audition for _Asshole of the Year_ by threatening to bring the new love of his life to your birthday party next week. I know she’s hurt by it, but y’know Mom.’

I winced and sipped my drink. ‘Are we seriously having a party? I hate parties.’

‘But we _neeeever_ have parties! And it’s your big Two One! You know Jace won’t let it slide without some horrendous, overblown celebration. If you give him a party you sidestep the likelihood of waking up naked in France handcuffed to a street lamp.’

‘That’s true,’ I said without much inflection because she’d brought up Jace and I wasn’t stupid. In 3, 2, 1…

‘Speaking of Jace.’

‘Please don’t start,’ I begged, looking around the club.

‘He’s over there, he can’t hear us,’ she assured me breezily. Jace was dancing with Clary on the other side of the club. I didn’t dare look too long lest we make eye contact. ‘What’s happened with you two? You had another fight?’

‘No,’ I said honestly. ‘Things are fine. We’ve both been a little distracted lately. That’s all.’

‘You with Magnus, Jace with Alyssa,’ she said nodding, not breaking eye contact. ‘Is there something I should know?’

‘Like what?’ I asked a little defensively.

‘Well speaking as the top of our triangle, I can tell when something is wrong. I hate being on the outside, wondering if you two are OK. I’m here for you, you know that, right? _Whatever_ it is.’

I was going to tell her. The words bubbled up in my throat when she saw something behind me and frowned. ‘Is that…oh wow, yeah. Must be.’

I swivelled to see. A group of four girls had caught Jace’s attention, one in particular who left the group and greeted him with a hug. Oh.

‘Alyssa,’ I guessed. ‘And her friends.’

Izzy was watching me closely. ‘Should we go say hi?’

_Hi, I_ _’m Alec. I felt Jace fucking you the other night, so nice to meet you._

‘Yeah, why not?’

I downed my drink in rather dramatic fashion and trailed behind Izzy.

Jace was animatedly chatting with her, his _girlfriend_ , Alyssa. Clary was smiling and everyone was apparently happy and in love with this girl and fuck my life all to hell.

‘Hi,’ Izzy said, resting her arm on Clary’s shoulder. ‘I’m Izzy.’

‘Jace’s sister,’ Alyssa said with a sweet smile. ‘He’s told me all about his kick-ass family. Great to meet you.’

‘You too,’ Izzy said smoothly. ‘This is Alec, our brother.’

Alyssa turned that perfect, genuine smile onto me and I forced my face into something similar.

‘Wow, you’re tall,’ she laughed. ‘Nice to meet you.’

‘And you.’

She introduced us to each of her friends, one in particular kept staring at me. Eventually she whispered something to Alyssa who rolled her eyes and loud-whispered over the club music, ‘He’s gay, you moron!’

Shadowhunter hearing picked up what the others did not. For the first time since the fuck-tastrophy, Jace looked at me. He blinked, wide eyed and I knew he didn’t know what to say or do.

‘Well,’ I said generously, breaking eyes contact. ‘It’s been lovely, but I have to go. Great meeting you all.’

Amidst the chorused ‘bye’s, Clary slipped away to follow me.

‘Hey, Alec,’ she said, hand on my arm. ‘You got a minute?’

Surprised, I nodded and together we left the club. Once outside, we stopped on the street and I looked at her expectantly.

‘I wanted to talk to you for a while,’ she said. ‘I owe you an apology.’

‘You do?’

‘I may have… _accidentally_ let something slip about you and Jace a while ago.’

‘Oh. That.’

‘Yeah, I feel terrible and it wasn’t intentional _at all,_ I swear.’

‘No, that’s OK and there isn’t anything to tell. I had a crush on Jace years ago. It’s long past.’

She looked confused. ‘No, that’s not…I mean—’

‘Hey!’ Jace called out, interrupting. ‘What the hell?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You were rude.’

I shook my head, trying to catch up with whatever madness this was. ‘Sorry, what?’

‘To Alyssa!’

I looked at Clary. ‘I was?’

But she was looking at Jace like he was crazy as well. ‘No, you weren’t,’ she said slowly. ‘Jace, what are you talking about?’

‘You couldn’t stay for more than ten seconds?’ he demanded, ignoring Clary and this time he shoved me a little. The atmosphere shifted in an instant, my back straightened and I tensed all over.

‘Calm down,’ I warned.

‘You made it so obvious you wanted to leave!’

I couldn’t help but laugh incredulously. ‘I didn’t want to stay to get ogled by Mundanes! What’s the big deal?’

‘So now you have a problem with Mundanes?’

‘I don’t have the all-encompassing love for them you do, but no I don’t. I was leaving anyway before she arrived!’

‘OK, well you could have stayed five minutes to be polite! Angel, it’s the Clary thing all over again, huh?’

‘What the hell is your problem?’

My _problem_ ,’ he said, shoving me back again. ‘Is that you were rude!’

‘Hey!’ a bouncer interjected roughly. ‘Move it elsewhere!’

‘What do you want from me?’ I asked him, squaring up to his irrational anger. ‘What do you _want,_ Jace _?_ _’_

It brought him up short, unprepared for such a direct question. Clary and several Mundanes were watching us now, including the hefty bouncer.

‘I just wanted you to like her,’ he said, a bit helplessly.

‘I do like her,’ I told him. ‘She seems great.’

He stared at me for a long moment. Reality was calling, he knew it. Alyssa was inside. That was where he needed to be.

He looked away first, shaking his head. ‘Fuck it.’

Clary watched him go, mouth open. ‘Jesus,’ she said. ‘What the hell was that about? You weren’t rude, I was right there. Taciturn and brooding as ever, but not rude.’

I managed to give a tight smile. ‘Thanks, Clary. I gotta go. Tell Izzy I’ll call her later, OK?’

‘Sure,’ she said kindly. ‘Have a better night.’

* * *

_Leaning against the cold, metal railing I waited for the reply text. My message to Katie_ _’s number stared back at me, glaring in the darkness of night._

I have your money.

_She didn_ _’t know my number, wouldn’t know who was messaging her and that was part of the plan. Jace didn’t know where I was, or I hoped he didn’t. Izzy was in cahoots with me, distracting him._

Who is this?

_I sighed irritably as I typed a quick reply._

It’s me. Do you want the money or not?

_I waited, scowling in the dark. Part of me hoped to be proved wrong._

Craig?

_But there it was. Multiple scams on multiple guys. Poor Jace._

Yeah, new number. I’m coming up. Buzz me in.

_I pushed away from the railing and went inside when the door to her apartment building buzzed open. She couldn_ _’t see me from where I was skulking and she clearly wanted to the money so she hadn’t pressed for any more verification. I knew what number she lived at, Izzy had been on recon duty._

_Five floors up, I knocked on her door. It swung open and I saw her for the first time. She froze, caught off-guard when it was someone she didn_ _’t recognise._

_Katie was attractive, at least objectively. Blonde, petite with expertly applied makeup and long, polished nails. Jace didn_ _’t have a type, appearance wise, but I could tell one smile from her had hit him over the head like a gong._

_‘Who are you?’ she asked, eyes narrowed._

_I reached into my back pocket and withdrew an envelope._ _‘I’m the delivery boy,’ I told her. ‘Can I come in?’_

_She looked at the envelope, then back to me. Mistrust and greed clearly warring in her mind, finally greed won over._ _‘OK,’ she said and moved aside for me to enter._

_It wasn_ _’t what I expected. The place was nice. She wasn’t living in poverty, no visible heroin needles or in-progress crack den. The apartment was flush with expensive furniture, a huge TV and other indicators of at least some wealth._

_She shut the door._ _‘You’re Craig’s friend? What, he’s too afraid to see me? Afraid he’ll be saddled with a baby unless he pays me?’_

_I faced her._ _‘Oh, so you threatened the opposite with him? That’s smart. I don’t know Craig. I’m here for Jace.’_

_‘Why didn’t you just say that?’_

_I shrugged._ _‘I wanted to see how many guys you were playing.’_

_To her credit, she didn_ _’t seem intimidated. Chin tipped, her eyes hardened. ‘As many as I can,’ she said._

_‘On average, how many actually pay out? Just out of curiosity?’_

_‘I want you to leave.’_

_‘And I will. I have your money, after all. I wanted to see it with my own eyes, was all.’_

_Her eyes narrowed again._ _‘Alec, right? Jace mentioned you a lot. His bestest friend in the whole wide world. How you grew up together in prep school or whatever. Don’t know what kind of prep school allows tattoos, though.’_

_I couldn_ _’t help but smirk at Jace’s lazy lie about being a Shadowhunter._

_‘That’s me.’_

_‘Huh,’ she nodded. ‘Makes sense, I guess. Anyway, you know there’s no baby so why are you here?’_

_‘I’m here to pay you.’_

_‘But there’s no-’_

_‘I’m going to pay you ten thousand to tell Jace you lost the baby and that you’re sorry. The other ten thousand,’ I said, opening the envelope. ‘Is to never contact him again and to make sure he never finds out about what you did.’_

_I withdrew the notes in two neat folds and placed them on a nearby glass coffee table with a neutral expression._

_She stared at the money._ _‘Why are you doing this?’_

_‘Because it’ll break his heart to find out you lied and while Jace could use a healthy dose of reality when it comes to women, he doesn’t deserve this. No one does.’_

_She sighed and shook her head._ _‘Jace was the only one who_ wanted _the baby. I told him, expecting him to be like every other guy. Horrified, terrified, desperate for me to get rid of it. But he was happy. Not like cheering or whatever, but I saw this_ _…his eyes lit up. That’s never happened before.’ She cleared her throat. ‘I shouldn’t have pursued it.’_

_‘But you did.’_

_She gave me a flat stare._ _‘You think you got me figured out? Nice place, what could she want the money for, huh?’_

_‘I’ll be honest, Katie, I don’t remotely care. What you did is disgusting.’_

_‘Wow,’ she said quietly, looking down. ‘You really love him, don’t you?’_

_I barely contained a scowl._ _‘You lost the baby, you’re sorry. That’s it. You contact him again and I won’t be showing up here with a calm demeanour and twenty thousand dollars. Next time, I’ll let my sister do the talking and you really won’t like that.’_

* * *

He wasn’t home. I couldn’t actually believe he _wasn_ _’t_ home. Magnus was supposed to open the door with a lovingly concerned expression, take me into his arms and make me feel better. This was what I got for being spontaneous and not calling ahead.

I sighed and leaned my head against his door, pulling out my cell. After pulling myself together, I called him.

And promptly got his voicemail.

‘Fuck!’ I swore and hung up before I accidentally left a message expressing my disappointment at his absence. What was I even doing here? Seeking out comfort like some kind of…. perfectly normal human being.

Caught in the wavering heat of my decision, I gave up and stalked away furious that after walking there I had to leave immediately. Magnus’s building wasn’t exactly a fucking stone’s throw from the Institute either so the journey back would be fun.

Fuck Jace. Fuck him for doing this to me. Fuck him for expecting me to fawn over his new _girlfriend_ and fuck him for ruining me forever.

Ruthlessly, I knocked into unsuspecting Mundanes who gasped and muttered about rudeness.

‘Hey, asshole!’ a guy yelled as I nearly send him flying into the gutter. ‘Watch where you— oh, hey man!’

It was Fuck Face Adam, Jace’s fair-weather drunk friend. ‘Oh, sorry Adam,’ I said, not really sorry at all. ‘You OK?’

He turned fully to face me, grinning widely. ‘I’m _great,_ super-duper!’

‘More drunk than usual?’ I asked, mildly disgusted. He looked like shit; dirty, sweaty and eyes wide as saucers.

‘Nu-uh, man,’ he said, dodging another New Yorker who wasn’t interested in the feelings of his fellow men. ‘This—this is the newest shit, the _best_ fucking shit out there!’

‘Yeah, it looks great,’ I deadpanned, squinting at him.

I went to leave, but he grabbed my arm. ‘You want some?’ he asked, eyes bright and swimming in their sockets. ‘Tell Jace if he wants—’

Before he could finish, I viciously grabbed him by the weak collar of his dirty t-shirt and shoved him against a store front, the shutters clanging loudly.

‘You _dare_ get him anywhere near your filthy, poisonous shit and it’ll be the last thing you ever fucking do!’

‘Jesus!’ Adam choked, writhing to get away. ‘Let me go, you prick!’

I wrapped my hand around his throat. ‘Stay away from him, you hear me? Leave him alone.’

‘I got it, I got it!’ I let him go and left him there, yelling after me. ‘You’re fucking crazy, Lightwood! Crazy!’

* * *

_‘What you did was crazy, Alec. Mom and Dad are gonna kill you!’_

_Dismissively, I waved away Izzy_ _’s concerns. ‘They won’t even notice.’_

_‘Ten grand, taken over the course a few weeks, maybe they wouldn’t notice that. Twenty grand taken in two days? Come on.’_

_Izzy flipped her awful pancakes at least three minutes too late, revealing the burnt underside she paid no attention to whatsoever._

_‘I’ll tell them it was an emergency.’_

_‘I’m not saying it wasn’t,’ she muttered darkly._

_‘That I needed it for something.’_

_She shot me a disbelieving look._ _‘Like what?’_

_‘Like…’ I fished, gesturing vaguely ‘Money to bail out a friend.’_

_‘From jail? They’ll never believe that and they’ll want to know every detail.’_

_‘OK, I get it - I’m a giant idiot and I can’t lie to save my life. Are you gonna help me or just keep shooting down my ideas?’_

_‘Crap ideas,’ she corrected, sliding the blackened discs onto a plate and walking them over to me at the breakfast table. ‘And of course, I am. The best thing to do is say it was me.’_

_‘You? No way, Iz.’_

_‘Look,’ she told me sternly. ‘They care about you too much to let anything slide, especially if they think it involved something illegal.’_

_‘They care about you too,’ I said quickly._

_‘I know. But not in the same way they care about you. If they think it was me, they won’t delve too deep.’ She laughed with just a hint of sadness. ‘They won’t want to.’_

_‘Dad will.’_

_‘Dad will respect his healthy fear of realising the part he played in screwing me up and let me off with a warning. Mom will be disappointed as always but if I tell her I really needed it, she won’t ask.’_

_I sipped my coffee, looking down._ _‘Izzy, you know what they’ll assume.’_

_‘Which means they won’t delve.’_

_‘I wouldn’t let you do this for anyone but Jace.’_

_She smiled and grasped my hand._ _‘I know. He deserves to be protected from that little bitch. Has he said anything? Heard from her?’_

_‘It’s only been a day.’_

_‘What if she doesn’t say anything? Just takes the money and bolts? You know how he is, he’ll try to find her.’_

_Out of the deepest brotherly love, I took a bite of the charcoaled foulness that was Izzy_ _’s pancakes. ‘I think she’ll message him like I asked. That’s the impression I got.’_

_‘I hope you’re right.’_

_‘He’s gonna be upset either way.’_

_‘He’s got us and it’s better than the truth.’_

_We both fell silent in the simple acknowledgement that lying to him_ was _the better option. Jace_ _’s trust was hard earned over the years and watching him slowly open himself up to the world had meant becoming the guardians of his happiness._

_‘Don’t tell them you were involved,’ Izzy suggested._

_‘No_!’ _I said firmly._ _‘If you’re taking the blame the least I can do it shoulder some of it.’_

_‘It’ll be easier,’ she sighed. ‘For me. They’ll just try to make me feel even worse for dragging you into my terrible mess of a life.’_

_‘Well they won’t succeed cos it’s bullshit anyway. Sorry, but there’s no way. I got your back, little sis.’_

_Mildly annoyed, she rolled her eyes._ _‘How’s the pancakes?’_

_‘Not too bad actually.’_

_She grinned._ _‘Liar.’_

* * *

The next day, things got worse. A lot worse.

‘Well, this isn’t good,’ I heard Clary whisper to Izzy, quite stating the obvious.

It was after the latest briefing, during which I voiced concerns that the recent bout of quietness might cause our Shadowhunters to become lax or worse, restless. Sparring was part of our daily routine and always had been, so that was where we went. Recent upgrades in the institute meant a fresh bout of enthusiasm for some of the new weapons, Izzy especially.

Things were going _sort of_ OK, in that everything was shit and Jace and I still weren’t talking to each other, when dear old Dad sauntered in with Karine, his French girlfriend.

‘Jace,’ he greeted my Parabatai, who was nearest. He enveloped him in an uncharacteristically warm hug. ‘You’re well?’

‘Yeah,’ Jace said a little stiffly, looking a little more than bemused. My Dad was more tanned than the last time I saw him and wearing a blue shirt with the top two buttons undone. _Holiday Dad,_ maybe. _Affair Dad_ , more accurate. _Happy Dad_ , my mind supplied quietly.

‘Good, I’m glad to hear it. You remember Karine?’

‘Of course,’ he said with polite friendliness. She leaned in for two kisses and they made brief small talk. Dad turned his focus onto me and I winced inwardly.

‘Alec,’ he said, pulling me into the same hug Jace got. He back-slapped me hard. ‘I’ve missed you, son. You should come out soon, all of you!’

‘Hey, Dad,’ Izzy said, rescuing me. ‘What are you doing here so early? Party’s not till—’

‘Do I need an excuse to visit my own children?’

Ah, fuck.

Karine finished with Jace and made her way over to us.

‘Izzy!’ she greeted as more kissing and hugging ensues. ‘You look beautiful, eh? More so than the last time I ‘ave seen you!’ Her strong French accent made every word musical.

‘Thanks,’ Izzy said with grace and an impressively normal smile. Why could everyone smile like it was nothing and where the hell was I when they were handing out _Perfect Smile Training_ pamphlets? ‘How’s your family?’

I left my capable sister with Karine and turned to Dad. ‘You know Mom’s here, right?’ Because of course he fucking did.

‘Is she?’ he asked airily like it was nothing. ‘Well that’s great. We are still your parents after all. How is she?’

I let him see what I thought about that throwaway comment. ‘Why don’t you ask her? Or do you not to want to hear it?’

He put his hand on my shoulder and led me away from the others. ‘I don’t like your tone, Alec. I understand this is an inconvenience to your Mom, OK? But Karine isn’t going anywhere and I want you all to get to know her. I don’t think that’s unfair, is it?’

I glanced over at Karine; even her runes were beautiful. ‘I think it’s unfair for Mom, yeah and to be honest Dad, it’s a little unfair on all of us as well. Max gets back tomorrow from Alicante.’

‘That’s why I brought her. She hasn’t even met the little scamp yet!’

 _Little Scamp?_ The fuck?

‘OK, Dad - whatever. Just…try and use a little tact, maybe?’

He grinned brightly. ‘In the winter, you and the others should come to the Paris Institute. It’s a gorgeous place, France.’

Way to sidestep everything I said, you absolute prick. ‘Sure, Dad.’

‘You can bring Magnus, if you’d like,’ he added, like he was offering an impressive gift in a causal tone. He winked at me. ‘Think about it.’

He went back to Karine and the others and left me feeling a deep, intense need to pummel things.

*

_Back on the roof, yet again. It was our place, Jace_ _’s and mine. Our designated secret hideaway from the real world. This week had been a rough one for Jace and we seemed to be spending all our time out here lately. This night would be difficult, though. He’d asked me to meet him here and something told me this was it._

_‘Hey,’ I greeted carefully, sitting on his right. He stared out at the city, phone in hand. ‘What’s up?’_

_He heaved a great sigh, his warm breath unfurling into the night._ _‘She lost it,’ he told me. ‘Katie.’_

_Keeping myself as neutral as possible to avoid him sensing the lie, I said,_ _‘I’m so sorry, Jace.’ That was completely true._

_‘She told me she lost it yesterday. She said…’_

_‘Yeah?’_

_‘She said it was my fault. The stress of everything, of me not paying her quick enough. She told me she lost it because of me.’_

_Ice cold fury was held at bay, but only just. Treacherous little bitch._

_‘It wasn’t your fault,’ I told him, wrapping him up in my arms. ‘You hear me?_ Not _even remotely your fault._ _’_

_He heaved a dry sob and burrowed deeper, face pressed into my neck._

_‘I should have done more,’ he whispered, but I heard the question mark._

_‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘Stop that right now.’_

_‘But it was my baby.’_

_I closed my eyes, hating myself for not just admitting the truth. That there was no baby. That Katie was a lying, scheming bitch. But I knew Jace better than anyone. I knew what he needed to know and what he didn_ _’t._

_‘I know and I’m so sorry.’_

_We pulled apart, still leaning against each other._

_‘I love you,’ he said after a while. ‘You’re my whole world, sometimes.’_

_Heart clenching painfully, I nodded._ _‘And you.’_

_‘Promise me something.’_

_‘Anything.’_

_‘Never leave me.’_

_‘Jace, you know I wouldn’t.’_

_‘I don’t mean…dying,’ he clarified quietly. ‘I would never allow that.’_

_‘You mean—’_

_‘Just please don’t ever leave me.’_

_Somewhat bitterly, I said,_ _‘I don’t think it’ll be me leaving you, Jace.’_

_He laughed dryly._ _‘Other people are…they’re just a distraction. You and Izzy, you’re all that’s real. If you leave me, I won’t survive.’_

_‘You’re so maudlin,’ I teased lightly, grasping for levity._

_‘Please,’ he insisted tightly. ‘Just promise you won’t ever leave me.’_

_I thought of what Katie had done, how she_ _’d twisted it to hurt him that one final time. I thought of how I always ended up promising something whenever we came up here. I thought of my beautiful Parabatai and how desperately I was in love with him. It was an easy promise to make. No one would ever compare and even if they did, they, much like Jace, wouldn’t be interested in me like that._

_I kissed the top of his head._ _‘I promise.’_

_*_

A/N - Hope everyone enjoyed this, sorry for the somewhat of a delay, but hopefully it's a long enough chapter to compensate. As always, I would die for comments and thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter Four: I Prefer Cluster Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cascading failures of Jace Herondale.

**Chapter Four: I Prefer Cluster Fuck**

_‘You’re eager and unashamed,_

_I grieve by dying every night, baby._

_Prove them wrong when you get five dollars._

_You’re eager and unashamed, I_

_don’t think the race is over, baby._

_Prove them wrong when you get five dollars,_

_Five dollars, baby blues, five dollars baby._ _’_

_-Christine and the Queens_

**Jace**

Sometimes, I wished he would hurt me.

‘Almost,’ I teased him as we sparred together with a small audience of Izzy and Karine. Much to Izzy’s exasperation, Karine had decided Izzy was her good friend and had spent the last few days trailing after her while Robert interfered with Alec’s running of the Institute and generally did a pretty solid impression of GoodDad!2.0. Maryse arrived yesterday and to say that things were shit was a spectacular understatement.

Alec and I hadn’t discussed what happened, the argument that followed anything, really. Pretending it hadn’t happened was all well and good, but pretending nothing was wrong between us was impossible and I lived caught between dread and anticipation for when the quiet would snap.

Izzy wasn’t happy, especially as she didn’t know fully what was wrong. Fuck, even I didn’t fully know what was wrong. Whatever it was, though, it was me. It was _always_ me. My fault.

How could anything ever be his fault? He was perfect.

Except he was pulling his punches. I hated that. Usually it wasn’t necessary. Ordinarily, we were in sync enough to spar without having to resort to such a weak tactic. We could fight and let ourselves dance around each other, expertly battling without ever hurting each other in any significant way.

We weren’t in sync, though. And I wanted him to hurt me.

He was frustrated, too. He felt it as much as I did and it irked him but of course not enough for the great, logical Alec Lightwood to lose control for even a moment. Rather than make a mistake and risk hurting me, he pulled yet another punch and this time I couldn’t contain a small, brief scowl.

‘What?’ he panted, sweeping his hair aside irritably? ‘You done?’

‘Not even close.’

I threw a complex move at him with more force than necessary and he had to think fast. Barely, he side-stepped me and used the momentum to push me over, but before I could hit the ground, he caught me by the arm and pulled me back up.

Now I was _furious_.

‘The hell?’ I asked, yanking away.

Dark blue eyes searched my mismatched ones. ‘What now, Jace?’ he asked quietly. ‘What have I done now?’

Sick, icy guilt slid down my spine. ‘Don’t _pull your punches_ ,’ I warned, trying to erase the cold sensation by staying in the moment.

No comeback. He didn’t try to argue, at least.

‘Come on guys,’ Izzy called from the side-lines, sounding more than a little bored. ‘I wanna _eat!_ _’_

‘Well go eat, then!’ Alec called, rolling his eyes.

I used the momentary distraction and hit him in the face, catching him off-guard. He didn’t stumble; Alec was rock solid and it would take more than a sucker punch to drop him. He was shocked, though. When he put his hand to his bottom lip, it came away with a swipe of red.

He locked eyes with me and I maintained the stare.

‘Come on, then,’ I beckoned.

This time, he came at me fast and hard. Heart pumping, I blocked him but only just. He backed me into a corner and I swung wide, trying to gain leverage but he caught my wrist, snaked his leg around my ankle and dropped me easily.

Not remotely done, I kicked up and threw a roundhouse at him. It went on like this for another few, thrilling minutes, our fight seemingly building to some kind of crescendo.

_Hurt me, come on! Hit me!_

He moved towards me over and over, endless opportunities to give me what I wanted, but he refused. He was Alec, after all and hurting me was antithetical to him.

Well fuck that.

Playing dirty was my middle name.

I caught him and yanked him close by the upper arm and whispered, ‘Too tired from fucking Magnus all night, huh?’

He froze for just a second, his heart contracting. I felt it, the same way I could feel so much of him. His pain echoed; a stab of betrayal that hurt me as well, just not in the way that I wanted.

Violently, he pushed me away. ‘No,’ he said, plainly, but his control was shaken now. Like a shark with blood, I didn’t him a chance to recover. Move after move, he blocked and caught them all. We weren’t sparring now, he was just stopping everything I tried to hit him with. If I was making noises, I barely heard them. It had gone too far now, I knew it in a distant kind of way but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop.

My lungs were burning, sweat was starting to run.

_He_ _’s not going to hit you. You’re not even worth that._

Izzy was calling my name, but it didn’t stop me.

Finally, that perfect composure cracked just a fraction. I saw his eyes flare, saw the anger slip through and for a second, just a fucking _moment_ , he wanted to hurt me. Make me stop, make me back up, make me sorry, make me see sense.

He didn’t, though. He just pushed me back, making me stumble.

‘Enough,’ he said, looking away from me. ‘I’m done.’

‘I’m not.’

‘Guys!’ Izzy said sternly. ‘I’m gonna faint if I don’t eat soon.’

‘Yeah,’ Alec said with a nod. ‘Let’s go.’

‘I make a wonderful lunch!’ Karine chimed in, quite oblivious. ‘Your Papa, ‘e says you are not such a good cook.’

She took Izzy’s arm and Alec made to follow them out.

‘Pussy,’ I said under my breath, body trembling with unspent adrenaline.

He stopped. Izzy and Karine left. The door closed and he turned on me.

‘I won’t,’ he said tightly. ‘Stop trying to make me.’

‘Why not? You know you want to!’ I threw my arms wide. ‘You think I won’t recover from your incredible strength? _Please_.’

‘What is wrong you with you?’

‘Me? I just want a good fight. Sorry if all the Shadowhunter shit is _dull_ to you now you’re shacked up with a Warlock!’

‘Fuck you, Jace.’

‘You wish.’

Oh fuck.

It was a stupid, off the cuff comment that meant _nothing_. I said it all the time, mostly to Simon but fuck fuck _fuck_ I should not have said it to Alec.

He closed the distance between us before I could correct myself, make a joke, fucking _anything_. He stopped only inches away from me. His scent filled my mouth; fresh sweat and his skin, the smell of his hair. My Parabatai. It made me dizzy.

‘This needs to stop,’ he said. ‘Either you stop it or I will.’

‘Oh yeah?’ I sneered, having to look up at him, fucking tree. ‘What’re you gonna do? Not _man enough_ to hit me, that’s for sure.’

‘What have I done?’ he breathed, so angry it made my heart hurt. ‘You blame me for the…transference thing? That’s it, is it?’

‘I don’t know what—’

‘Don’t you dare lie to me!’

I glared dully. ‘Or _what?_ _’_

After a long, strained pause, he said, ‘Why does it have to be you?’

I swallowed. ‘Why does what have to be me?’

He ignored my question. ‘You need to grow the fuck up. It wasn’t my fault. You want me to swear off sex for the rest of my life? Or shall we make a fucking schedule so it doesn’t coincide? _Tell me_ so you can let this go!’

Disgusted with myself, I turned away. ‘Just leave, then.’

He took my wrist and spun me around, pulling me _way_ too close. He was so angry he was shaking, just like me. ‘I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry, Jace! Please, please stop doing this to me, you’re…I can’t bear it, all right?’

If I moved forward, our mouths would touch. The thought threatened to devour me whole.

‘I can’t stop it,’ I told him, truthfully, brokenly. ‘I can’t control it. Ever since that night I just feel…’

Whoa. _Stop._

I shook myself, moving back eyes firmly closed. ‘I uh, sorry. I’m just fucking going out of my mind with nothing to hunt. Too amped up, you know?’

If I’d been brave enough to look at him, I knew what I’d have seen. That beautiful face twisted in agony as he weathered the fucking storm that was Jace Herondale.

‘Yeah,’ he said and I panicked because it almost sounded like a sob. ‘Got it.’

I opened my eyes, but he was halfway out the door.

* * *

The quiet spell _was_ killing me, that wasn’t any kind of a lie. With nothing more than a rogue lower demon here and there to vanquish the fuck out of, my energy and enthusiasm was mostly channelled into Alyssa.

The problem was that it didn’t feel the same anymore. Nothing felt the same. Fucking her felt good, great even. She was fantastic and adventurous enough to keep even me interested, but it didn’t feel like that time.

_That time when you and Alec came together?_

Yeah, that’s the one.

I was driving myself crazy with it. Thinking about it over and over, how it felt, how _he_ felt. What noises had he made? How had his face looked?

I was fucking pathetic.

Without anything to seriously kill that would put up a decent fight, Alyssa was the simplest and safest hideout.

Until she wasn’t.

‘Jesus Christ!’ she said loudly. I looked up from the takeout box, surprised to see her usually chill and frown-free face twisted up in anger. ‘What is _wrong_ with you lately?’

Defence ready and waiting, I said, ‘Oh I’m sorry, am I not listening closely enough to your endless diatribe?’

‘Endless? That’s a little desperate, isn’t it?’ She got up from the table and dumped her Chow Mein in the trash. ‘You know what? I’ve got friends coming over.’

‘Oh, how I love a coded dismissal!’

She fixed me with an unimpressed stare. ‘You’re bored of me? That’s fine. You’re trying to start a fight? That’s not. I don’t want whatever drama you’re hauling around.’

‘I’m not bored of you! I’m just distracted and…not right.’

‘So, get un-distracted and sort your shit out! Amazing sex doesn’t mean we have to do _this_ ,’ she gestured to the food and the table. ‘Don’t feel obligated.’

‘I’m _not_.’

‘Good. Like I said, people coming.’ She crossed her arms.

‘Aly,’ I said, quietly. ‘I’m…I’m sorry, OK?’

‘OK,’ she said, but she didn’t melt. She didn’t give in the way Alec would have. ‘Call me tomorrow if you wanna do something.’

I was still sitting there at her small table, feeling more and more like an idiot with every passing second. ‘So, I’m just a fuck, is that it?’

She didn’t flinch. ‘That’s all you’re capable of, Jace. I’m not stupid, I won’t tell myself you have anything else to give that’s not on loan.’

My mouth dropped. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘Wow. Yeah, that’s—that’s fucking great _._ _’_

 _‘_ I’m sorry if that upset you. I like you a lot, but you’re not _available_ and I’ve known that right from the start. Now you’re becoming more and more distant and you just want to fall into bed most times which is fine, but I don’t want whatever this is. It’s not fair to use me like this and give nothing in return.’

I stood up.

‘That’s some rock-solid logic there,’ I said, pulling on my jacket. ‘Well, thanks for your honesty.’

* * *

The music was loud. Mundanes were batshit crazy little fuckers but I loved their nightclubs. The others didn’t understand why I liked it here so much. With music this loud, I could drown myself out.

Alcohol helped, too. It always did.

‘More tequila!’ I yelled in the direction of the bar tender. He rolled his eyes but took my money. The bar was sodden with spilled drinks. I was _fucked_.

When he returned with my drink and no change, someone knocked into me. I managed to turn, wondering if it was someone I could start a fight with.

‘Hey!’ I said, but it was squeaky and useless. I shook myself, voice lowering an octave. ‘Hey!’

‘Sorry, man!’ the guy said, genuinely apologetic. ‘Fuckin’ twats behind me are tryin’ to start a mosh pit or something!’ He threw a dirty look at the bridal party on the dance-floor.

‘Are you Australian?’ I asked, squinting.

He laughed. ‘British. Did I spill your drink?’

I checked, clutching it protectively. ‘No,’ I said, patting him on the shoulder. ‘It’s safe. I’m Jace.’

‘Declan. You here with someone?’ He sat down beside me.

‘Nope. Here all alone like the hottest fucking loser you ever met. You?’

He laughed. ‘Friends.’ I followed his gaze towards the back of the club where a group of six or seven guys jumped in time to the beat and screamed along with the lyrics.

‘This song is a big deal in the UK,’ Declan explained. ‘You like The Killers?’

I shrugged. ‘Not big on bands.’

He smiled and I couldn’t help but respond in kind as was my slutty way.

‘Can I buy you another drink?’ he asked, looking at the tequila I was cradling.

 _You shouldn_ _’t drink anymore,_ Alec would have said, about an hour ago admittedly. _When do you ever make good decisions when you_ _’re drunk?_

I knocked it back anyway. ‘Sure, thanks.’

He waved the bar tender over. ‘Can I get a tequila and a Budweiser, please?’

The bar tender shot me a look. ‘He’s way over the limit. We’re not meant to serve him when he’s like this.’

Incredulous, I opened my mouth to complain, but Declan spoke over me.

‘Just the tequila then, for myself? You can watch me drink it.’

Slighted, I watched the bar tender pour the drink into a shot glass and slide it very deliberately to Declan with his beer. My new friend downed it and the bar tender took his money.

‘Greedy,’ I told him. Declan smiled secretively and before I could say anything else, he grabbed me gently by the face and kissed me. It wasn’t really a kiss at first. He just kind of _gave_ me the tequila which he had apparently kept in his mouth and holy shit that should not be so hot. Once I swallowed the forbidden drink, it turned into a real kiss. Bruising and hot and fucking _hell_ I was hard already.

He broke away with relish, wiping his mouth. ‘Cheers,’ he said, taking a sip of his beer. The bar tender gave him his change with a less than impressed expression, but he couldn’t prove anything so he left with yet another eye-roll.

Dazed, I tried to get the full measure of this guy I known for two minutes.

‘Why did you do that?’ I asked, when I realised I was too drunk to get the measure of a fucking shoe, the state I was in.

He shrugged. ‘YOLO and all that.’

‘Are you gay?’

‘Are _you?_ _’_

I laughed at that. ‘Who fuckin’ knows, man?’

‘So, look,’ he said, leaning in so I could hear him. ‘You’re way too drunk for me to take you in the bathroom and fuck you the way I know you need to be fucked. But I’m here for another four days. When you sober up, give me a call, yeah?’

He put a piece of paper in my pocket.

‘When the fuck did you write that?’

‘When I saw you ten minutes ago, before I bumped into you on purpose.’

I chuckled. ‘That’s pretty impressive.’

‘Have a good night, Jace,’ he said with a wink.

* * *

‘ _Hi, this is Alec, leave a message._ _’_

‘Yyyyeah, I’ll leave a message then - thasss fine! Y’know whuh? I met someone and he was hot hot hot, Alec! He gave me tequila…with his MOUTH! YEAH! And yuh know what else? ‘M gonna go find him tomorrow and I’m gonna let him fuck me! Cos he’s only got four days and thass cool, y’know? Four days isn’t enough for him to see what a disgusting, monumental fuck up I am! An’ since when d’you not answer when I call? Oh yyyyeaaaah! Since Magnus stole you from me! Well that’s some bullshit cos you’re mine, Lightwood, you hear me? You were mine first and you’ll be mine last? You’ll _always be_ mine cos no-one—’

 _‘Beeep_!’

‘—will ever love you like I do and…ah fuck!’

* * *

I woke to the smell of ozone, incense and pancakes.

‘The fuck?’ Groggily, I looked around and realised I was on a sofa in a luxurious and lavishly decorated apartment.

‘Oh, awake, are we?’

Magnus. _The fuck?_

With effort I sat up and pushed down a woven blanket. Magnus fucking Bane came and sat opposite me, placing coffee and a stack of pancakes on the small coffee table beside me.

‘Here, let no one ever say I am not a gracious host.’

With a legendary scowl, I reached for the coffee. ‘I don’t think that’s what they’ll say. Why am I here?’

‘I found you on the street downstairs after you buzzed several other apartment numbers. My neighbour knocked and said some crazy delinquent was asking for me. You were pretty much unconscious.’

Humiliation flooded through me. I gripped the hot cup of coffee hard.

‘Sorry,’ I managed.

He shrugged elegantly, cat eyes fixed upon me. ‘Lucky for you, I was alone.’

That had been my next question. ‘Did you…?’

‘Tell Alec you were outside, drunkenly offering to duel for the right to own him? No, I did not.’

‘I wasn’t offering to duel,’ I mumbled.

‘No? Your memory is crystal clear, then?’

I snuck a pancake and nibbled it. ‘Thank you for not calling him.’

‘I didn’t want to upset him any more than he has been lately.’

I closed my eyes. ‘He’s upset?’

‘Why are you asking me? You’re his Parabatai, aren’t you?’

Quite honestly, I replied, ‘Lately, I don’t know what we are.’

He nodded, chin resting on his fingers as he surveyed me.

‘You’re quite the character, you know that?’

‘I’ve been told.’

‘Are you in love with him?’

My heart clenched painfully. ‘No.’

‘So why were you telling Mrs Bozdemir that he’s yours and anyone who tries to take him is going to their ass kicked to high heaven?’

I chanced looking at him. ‘He isn’t mine. He isn’t _anyone_ _’s_. I was drunk and stupid. Feel free to ask about other insane shit I’ve done when I’ve been on the tequila. I promise that held no meaning either.’

‘I really like him,’ Magnus said, seriously. ‘I care about him, but you and I both know how he feels about you.’

‘Do we?’

‘Don’t play games with me, little Herondale.’

‘Wouldn’t dare to try, believe me.’

‘If you feel the same way, you owe it to him to say it.’

‘Look, thanks for the help, OK? I owe you one.’ I put the half-finished coffee down and looked around for my shoes and jacket. ‘I didn’t break anything, right?’

He nodded to the coat stand. ‘Maybe your own record for embarrassing drunken activities.’

By the door, I stood in my boots and held the jacket tightly. ‘Not even close,’ I told him. ‘Thanks again.’

* * *

When I got home, Maryse was the first to hit me with an all-expense paid guilt trip. It was weird having her there again, but before I had time to adjust, Clary came out of fucking nowhere and joined in.

‘It really is unfair,’ Clary agreed. ‘You could have called, we were worried.’

I poured juice from the fridge. ‘Who was worried?’ I asked casually.

‘Everyone,’ Maryse said sternly, the same way Izzy might have. ‘You’re getting too old to still be doing things like this.’

‘Does anyone have an aspirin?’

‘You’re lucky Simon saw you otherwise Alec would have probably gone out searching all night.’

I spluttered in my juice. ‘What?’

‘At the club,’ Clary said, pouring cereal.

‘Hold up,’ I choked. ‘Simon was at the club? Why the hell didn’t he say anything?’

Clary shrugged, but didn’t say anything. Maryse sighed. ‘Maybe he didn’t _want_ to say anything, darling. He was with his friends from England, he said. They don’t fly over much, apparently.’

I winced. ‘England?’

‘Yeah, they’re a band. They cover old Killers songs,’ Clary said, but she definitely was avoiding eye contact now.

‘You should eat something,’ Maryse said, concerned. ‘You look quite dreadful.’

‘Y-yeah, I will. Clary, is Simon still here?’

‘He’s with Izzy,’ she replied lightly.

‘Thanks.’

Still drunk and nauseous, I made for Izzy’s room. I heard Simon laughing from inside and knocked loudly.

‘Yeah?’ Izzy called and I went inside. ‘Oh hey, how’re you feeling?’

I gave her a smile and took in the scene. Izzy sat on her bed opposite Simon who looked pretty comfortable, truth be told. ‘Not too bad,’ I lied. ‘Uh, can I grab Simon for a minute if that’s OK?’

‘Sure,’ Izzy said, but she seemed suspicious. Simon whispered something as he brushed past her and she giggled. The gesture was not lost on me, but it would have to wait.

I waited for him outside impatiently. ‘What’s up?’ he asked and I debated whether or not to glare or attempt civility.

‘What did you see?’ I hissed, civility failing me as it so often did.

‘Throughout the course of my life, or…?’

‘At the club!’

‘Oh, you mean last night at the club where you made out with my friend, Declan? Yeah, I might have seen that.’

‘You motherfucking _asshole_ , why didn’t you tell me you were there?’

‘When I saw you, you seemed busy, I guess? I don’t know. I was there with my friends.’

‘You told Clary.’

‘I tell Clary everything. She’s not gonna bandy it around.’

‘SHE’S THE ONE WHO ALREADY LET IT SLIP ABOUT ALEC!’

He flinched at the volume. ‘Even more reason for her not to say anything this time. Are you OK? Why are you so worried? Who even cares?’

His point was valid and it brought me up short. Who _would_ care? Izzy wouldn’t be bothered by it. No one would be likely to think any less of me, I was Jace of Slutsville after all. But Alec…would he care?

It felt like a betrayal. Not to Alyssa, either. It felt like I’d betrayed him.

This was so beyond fucked.

‘Look,’ I said, grasping for sanity. ‘He kissed _me_ , OK? You can ask him. Anyway, it doesn’t matter just don’t make a big deal of it.’

‘I heard: _Don_ _’t Tell Alec_.’

He didn’t seem remotely bothered by my death glare.

Izzy opened the door and sighed dramatically. ‘You guys whisper loud. Can I be in on the secret or is it still Boys Only?’

Simon had just enough grace to not snicker at her comment.

‘Sorry,’ I said, trying to make my body relax. ‘I didn’t mean to pull you away from Simon. Looked like you guys were pretty comfy.’

She gave the kind of gentle smile that made me worried. ‘We’re just talking.’

‘Oh really?’ I crossed my arms, trying to seem intimidating. ‘About what?’

Simon yawned. ‘Game of Thrones.’

I wrinkled my nose. ‘Is that a board game?’

He laughed. ‘For someone who spends so much time with Mundanes, maybe you should check out some TV now and again.’

‘If the Shadow world gets any quieter, I might have to.’

‘You’ve said it now,’ Izzy complained, lightly punching me. ‘Famous last words, Jace.’

My phone buzzed in my jean pocket. When I withdrew it, I saw Alyssa 3.

‘Catch you later,’ Izzy said knowingly. Simon gave me a mock salute and followed her.

‘Hello?’ I answered with no small amount of apprehension.

‘ _Hey,_ _’_ Alyssa said, tone annoyingly neutral. ‘ _How_ _’re you?’_

 _‘_ Yeah, I’m OK. You?’

 _‘I want to be straight with you,’_ she said bluntly and my heart sank. _‘I went out last night with my friends. I saw you with that guy.’_

Perfect. Just…fucking perfect. ‘Aly that’s not what happened, I wasn’t _with_ him. It was a joke. He gave me tequila.’

She snorted. ‘ _With his mouth?_ _’_

I rubbed my eyes. ‘Actually, yes. What were you even doing there?’

_‘What, you think I was following you or some shit? I go there all the time, Jace. That’s where we met, unless you’ve forgotten.’_

I had forgotten. ‘No, of course not. I just…I was totally out of it and this guy came onto me. I barely remember it.’

_‘I didn’t call for an argument, OK? I called to say don’t bother calling me again. You’re a fun guy and I wish you well but you’re a mess. I don’t want to be involved with a mess.’_

I toed the ground, unsure of what to say. ‘I’m sorry?’

_‘I don’t think you are and that’s cool. See you around, Jace.’_

She hung up.

I stood outside Izzy’s room for a minute afterwards letting it sink in, trying to find my feelings. When I found nothing but a hornet’s nest in my stomach, I gave up.

‘Pathetic,’ I said quietly. ‘You’re fucking pathetic.’

Slowly, I pulled out the crumpled piece of paper from my jacket pocket. He’d written his name and number on a Starbuck’s receipt. I still had the phone in my hand so I dialled.

He answered quickly. _‘Hello_?’

I took a deep breath.

‘Hey, Declan?’

 _‘Speaking,’_ he said brightly.

‘It’s Jace from last night.’

_‘Oh, I hoped you’d call, though I had doubts about you making it home alive to be honest.’_

I laughed hollowly. ‘I’m tougher than I look, James Bond.’

 _‘Because that’s the only British guy you know?’_ he chuckled, muttering something to someone on his end. _‘So how are you doing?’_

‘Y’know people keep asking me that and I’m getting pretty tired of it,’ I said honestly. ‘Are you free today?’

 _‘I’m free tonight?’_ he countered.

‘Wanna hang out?’

_‘My hotel room? 10 o clock?’_

‘Sounds like a plan. Text me the details.’

_‘See you then.’_

I hung up. ‘Onto the next.’

* * *

‘I think I’m having a gay crisis,’ I told him when he handed me an insanely expensive bottle of Coke from the mini-bar. ‘Or a sexuality crisis. Bisexual crisis? Whatever. I’m having a crisis.’

He smiled indulgently and sat beside me on the double bed in his moderately clean hotel room. ‘You never been with a bloke before?’

‘Once,’ I said, opening the drink more for something to do with my hands. ‘I don’t really know what I’m doing.’

‘In the gay sex arena or just general life?’

‘Both, I think. I dunno, everything just keeps getting more and more twisted. You ever hear of cascading failures? That’s my life right now.’

‘Am I another failure?’

I looked at him. Good looking, little older than me. I recalled the kiss, how it had sent heat and desire coursing through me. The roughness, the weird sameness. ‘No,’ I said. ‘You’re not. If there’s a failure, it’s me. Fucking up a sure thing in a hotel room with a hot guy.’

He laughed. ‘Have you ever seen yourself in a mirror? You’d have to do a lot worse to fuck this up.’

‘Give me time.’

‘I don’t have much. Gotta fly back in three days.’

I set the drink on the floor. ‘That’s good. You know I got dumped today? About thirty seconds before I called you actually.’

‘I don’t mind being your rebound,’ he said, surprisingly gently.

‘That’s generous,’ I said and nudged his shoulder. ‘This I what I do, you know? Hook up, make a connection, leave before it takes.’

‘A lot of people do that, usually because there’s not enough room for a new connection in their lives.’

I frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Like, if they already have an important connection with someone.’

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’

‘Did I look gay? At the bar, y’know?’

‘Sorry?’

‘You hit on me. You even had your number all ready to give me, so…did I look gay?’

He sighed. ‘Actually, no.’

The way he said it made me turn and look at him. ‘No?’

‘My friend, Simon. He knew you when I pointed you out.’

My stomach _plummeted._ _‘_ What?’

‘I asked if you were gay and he said you were flexible.’

‘…and?’ I pressed, knowing there was more.

‘Ah, see now I’ve gone and fucked up a sure thing with a hot guy ’

‘What else did he say?’

Declan bit his lip. ‘He said you were in love with your best friend, a guy.’

Fuck you, Simon. ‘He did, huh? Well no offence to your friend, but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.’

‘Didn’t you just kinda say you’re having a sexuality crisis?’

‘I am, but it’s fuck all to do with Alec.’

‘Listen, we can meet up tomorrow if you’re—’

I turned and pressed my mouth against his, cupping his neck and pulling him close. His tongue was cool and sweet from the drink, he kissed me back right away. When we parted for air, I asked, ‘Are you my rebound or not?’

* * *

Sex with a guy, I decided as I towel dried my hair in my room later that night, was pretty fucking good. It hadn’t quite eradicated the nasty feeling since Alyssa called to dump me, but it helped.

At least Alec and I hadn’t… _coincided_ again. I shook my head, dropping the towel at the end of my bed. I missed him so much. This weird distance between us was slowly killing me. It wasn’t him causing it, of course. Alec was never the problem.

For once, I was actually tired without being fall down drunk. I went to turn off the light when I heard a gentle knock.

I knew who it was before I even opened the door.

‘Hey,’ he said, eyes somewhat downcast.

‘Hey, come in.’ I stood back and made room for him to enter.

He walked over and sat on my bed.

‘We need to talk.’

* * *

_a/n thanks so much for all the lovely comments! Comments make me write faster, just to put that out there. More up soon._


	5. Chapter Five: I Really Hate Birthdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's 21st birthday looms, Jace and Alec talk, a new enemy makes itself known.

**\- Chapter Five -**

**\- I Really Hate Birthdays -**

****

_‘Always I am mistaken, I look for love, I find a stone._

_Of all the seasons winter befriends me, I come to you in friendship,_

_And hold my breath against the snow. What are you thinking as I gaze into you?_

_F_ _orgive me the confusion, Forgive me as I realize my thoughts betrayed._

_You are the answer, Cry and smile the same._

_Overcome me baby, All I'm asking is to be alive for once.’_

_-Vienna Teng_

‘We need to talk.’

I was expecting the diversion. ‘I agree, civilisation would be lost without our expansive and complex communication.’

Looking down, I took a deep breath. ‘Jace, do you want me to leave?’

Cocky swagger, as always. ‘The room? You just got here.’

‘The Institute.’

 _‘What_? What, no, of course not! The hell, Alec?’

‘Dad keeps saying about the French Institute, about spending a year there.’

‘And you’re _considering_ it?’

I dropped my head into my hands. ‘I can’t do this with you, Jace. You understand me? I can’t keep doing this with you. It’s killing me.’

‘I’m not…’

‘Not what? Doing it on purpose?’

‘No, look - I’m sorry, OK? I don’t know what the fuck’s happening to me lately, I just…I’m sorry. I don’t mean to lash out at you this way. I said before I can’t control it, but that’s not acceptable. I’m gonna do better.’

I looked up. ‘Jace,’ I said. _‘What_ can’t you control? I don’t understand where this is coming from.’

He bit his lip. ‘Alec, I can’t—’

‘Please,’ I begged. ‘Please just tell me.’

He dragged a hand through his hair roughly. ‘I don’t know, some kind of self-defence, maybe?’

‘Against me?’

‘No,’ he insisted sternly. He knelt in front of me, clasped my hands in his tightly. ‘After what happened. With us.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, awkwardness and heat tangling around my heart.

Jace laughed bitterly. ‘Don’t, Alec. None of this is—’

‘Hey, sometimes stuff is my fault, OK? I’m not perfect and I’m beyond sick of you putting yourself down! It has to stop, Jace! You’re…’ _Everything? The reason the sun rises? My soul mate?_ ‘You’re a good person, you’re kind and kick-ass and we all love you. You hear me?’

His eyes were tightly closed.

‘Jace,’ I said softly. ‘You’re the best thing in my life. Do you know that?’

He let out a shaky breath. ‘I doubt it.’

I took his face in both my hands and made him look at me.

‘Jace. You’re the centre of my world. You’re my best friend. You’re the reason…’ _Ah, fuck it._ ‘You’re the fucking reason the sun rises, OK? Please stop letting your mind fuck you over and put you lower than you are. What happened was weird and it got tangled, but it doesn’t matter. Put your hand here.’ He obeyed silently, pressing his hand to my heart. I placed mine atop his. ‘This is all that matters. Feel it beat in time with yours? That’s home.’

It broke me how difficult it was for him to accept this. To accept even this half-truth, nowhere near the full extent of my love for him.

‘I know what you think of yourself, Jace. It needs to stop.’

Our hands were still on each other’s hearts, beating rapidly. Our connection was firing, blazing with renewed strength, singing at being permitted such contact.

‘I’m sorry,’ he breathed. ‘I’ll try harder.’

‘Just come back to me,’ I said and his eyes slid up to mine.

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means stop putting distance between us because you think I’m going to leave you. Stop sabotaging us. I already promised you I’ll never leave.’

‘One day you will.’

‘I will _never_ leave you. Do you think I’m lying?’

‘No, but…things happen. People move on.’ He smiled tightly. ‘On to better things.’

Better things? Was he fucking kidding?

‘I’m not one of these _people_ , Jace. It’s you and me, forever.’

He exhaled slowly, trying to control his breathing. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Me too.’

His hand was still planted hotly against my skin. Gently, I peeled it away and twined my fingers through his.

‘Start over?’

‘Yes, please.’

We hugged fiercely, I delighted in holding him. The frame of all my happiness, the container of everything I ever wanted.

I didn’t have it in me to bring up the phone call or the message he left me. It would embarrass him to know he’d said such ridiculous things and nothing was worth endangering our reunion.

‘Patrol tomorrow?’ he asked, face buried in my neck.

I laughed because it tickled.

‘Yeah. I’ve gotta do something first but after that I’m free.’

‘Birthday stuff?’

I sighed, having completely forgotten my birthday was less than two days away. ‘Not exactly.’

* * *

Magnus knew straight away. He was keenly perceptive and it must have been written all over me.

‘You’re here to break up,’ he said when he closed the door behind me.

I closed my eyes. ‘I’m…I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t be. It’s for the best.’

‘Really?’

‘Well, no. I’m trying to be nice.’

I turned to look at him. He magicked up two drinks and handed me one with a generous, sweet smile. God fucking damn me and my stupid ideas all to hell. The fuck was wrong with me? He was incredible and sexy and hot and the closest thing I’d ever come to having _actual_ sex!

‘Things are complicated right now and I don’t want to involve you.’

He sipped his Mai Tai. ‘Jace?’

There was no point lying. ‘It difficult for him. We’ve always been close.’

‘He didn’t ask you to do this, though.’

‘Nor would he ever. This is my decision.’

‘I knew when I first met you that he played a big role in your life. I respect your decision, Alexander. I’m…disappointed, though.’

I took a gulp of the drink. ‘I am too.’

Staring down, he softly said, ‘So, tell me it’s not forever. Tell me that once things are stable, there’s a chance you’ll come back to me.’

‘I don’t want to lead you on.’

He smiled bitterly. ‘You mean, you don’t want to lie.’

‘That too. You mean a lot to me, you always will.’

‘Just not as much as him.’

‘He’s my Parabatai.’

‘You know,’ he said, walking towards his French doors. ‘That won’t hold up forever. Parabatai marry others, have children, live normal lives.’

‘He needs me.’

‘He will always need you. That boy is broken, Alexander. Believe me, I’ve seen it before. It’s in his blood.’

I stiffened. ‘Jace is _not_ broken and it’s not one way. I need him too.’

He turned those golden cat eyes on me. ‘Need him how?’

‘Don’t, I’ve already told you—’

‘I know what you’ve told me, but unfortunately for you, I’ve been around and lot longer and I’m well versed in these matters.’

I couldn’t think of anything to say in reply to that, so I finished off the drink and took a deep breath. ‘I truly am sorry.’

‘I know you are. I’m sorry too. This could have been something, I believe.’

The back of my eyes prickled and I clenched my jaw hard.

‘I gotta go.’

‘Wait, there’s…something I got you. For your birthday.’

Fucking. Hell.

‘Oh, I’m…you didn’t have to…’

‘Please take it,’ he said, fetching the small, beautifully wrapped package. ‘It’s not a ring or anything,’ he added with a smile that absolutely broke my heart. ‘I just knew you’d like it.’

With trembling fingers, I accepted the gift. He removed my agonising decision to open it in front of him or not. ‘I’ll see you around, blue eyed boy.’

* * *

Patrol, for the first time in months, was eventful. It was not, however, the kind of eventful night Shadowhunters tend to anticipate.

‘I swear to the Angel,’ I breathed, catching my breath. ‘You have a _magnet_ in your pocket for Mundanes.’

Jace didn’t look offended. He smiled at me that way that made my heart skip a beat. ‘I like them,’ he said, for the millionth time. ‘But not this kind.’

Central Park was usually a good, reliable spot for demonic activity, especially near the middle part. Tonight had been spent preventing drunk or drugged Mundanes from attacking each other. Four separate groups were openly brawling, some of them carrying knives.

Jace, Izzy and I dispatched them easily, of course. A few good punches and they were out of the equation or simply _out_.

‘Where are the fucking cops?’ Izzy asked, shamelessly rifling through the wallet of someone stupid enough to try and stab her. ‘None of them have ID’s, but they all have this card.’

She handed it to me. ‘Floyd’s,’ I read aloud. ‘And a number. Why is it in pink?’

‘Pink Floyd!’ Jace said, laughing. Izzy and I stared. ‘You know, Pink Floyd? You two are so _boring!_ _’_

I tossed the card. ‘Not our problem, anyway.’

‘Well, humanity is our problem,’ Izzy corrected casually.

‘Their little squabbles over drugs or whatever aren’t.’

Jace held up a small, clear bag. ‘Doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before,’ he said calmly. ‘Maybe a new thing.’

‘Are there new drugs?’ Izzy asked. ‘Like, have they discovered a new one?’

‘Or made one,’ I guessed, only partially paying attention, watching the perimeter. ‘They cook up all kinds of crap.’

Frowning, Jace opened the bag and cautiously sniffed the top. ‘Definitely new.’

‘Jace, what the fuck?’ Izzy yelped.

He gave her a deadpan stare. ‘I’m _hardly_ gonna get high from smelling it.’

‘Oh yeah? That’s what people thought about glue!’

I didn’t comment on Jace’s knowledge of drugs and neither did Izzy.

‘We should move on, see if Barzo has any leads.’

‘I hate that creep.’

‘None of us has fuzzy feelings for him. He’s an informant, what do you expect?’ Jace stood up. He pocketed the bag. When I shot him a questioning look, he shrugged. ‘Barzo might know about it.’

‘Not our problem,’ I reiterated. ‘What Mundanes do—’

‘Affects our world eventually,’ Jace insisted. ‘Let’s go before his shit-hole gets too busy.’

* * *

_Too busy_ at Barzo’s meant a single person being there. Alan Barzoon ran a brothel. It catered to Mundane and Shadow World alike. Barzo was the owner, but not manager. That was Gillian. He preferred to sit back, sample the _merch_ as he called the young men and women who worked for him and on occasion get the shit beat out of him for information.

Barzo knew things. Clients he partied with sometimes let things slip. Men talked when they were happy and so did Downworlders and even Demons.

‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ he said the moment he clapped eyes on us. ‘You _swore_ you’d stay away!’

‘Hi Gilly,’ Izzy said to the stern, but generally kind woman who managed the staff.

‘No trouble,’ she warned us. ‘There are _sensitive_ clients around.’

Downworlders. Accords. Got it.

‘No trouble,’ Jace promised with a friendly smile. ‘We just wanted to chat with Barzo.’

Gillian laughed and walked away, taking her iPad. ‘That’s how trouble always starts.’

‘OK, this is bullshit, I know absolutely fuck all!’

‘You want your clients to hear you spill your guts or shall we go somewhere more private?’ He glared at me.

‘Fuckers,’ he swore. ‘In here.’

He led us from the reception area into his office. A cramped, hot little room with a desk that should never have a black light shone on it.

‘Well?’ Izzy demanded.

‘Well what? I know a lot of shit, ask something specific?’

‘Why is it so quiet lately?’

He inspected a fingernail. ‘Is it? Business is booming in here.’ Izzy hit him. ‘Ow! Fucking bitch!’

Jace smirked. ‘Where’s the demonic activity? The ritual slaughters? Uprisings of once worshipped idols?’

‘Look, all I heard was that there’s something wrong with the Mundanes on the street. Demons can’t stand to be around them.’

‘So, what? They’re staying home and watching a movie? Bullshit.’

Barzo rubbed his eyes fretfully. ‘Some shit about a drug messing up their blood or whatever.’

‘What drug?’ Jace asked sharply.

‘Some new thing.’

‘Why is it interfering with demons?’ I asked with a frown.

‘It’s like…I dunno, demon repellent or something. I really have no idea, we certainly don’t carry it in here, OK?’

‘Anything else?’

Yeah, go fuck yourselves.’ 

* * *

‘We need to do more tests,’ I said as soon as we were outside. ‘Find out what’s in it and if Barzo was full of shit.’

Izzy seemed uncertain. ‘Do you really think it’s the drug?’

‘It might be nothing, but better safe than sorry.’

Jace was checking his phone. ‘Huh,’ he said, smiling.

We stared at him, waiting. ‘Huh, what?’ I asked finally. 

He looked up, blinking. ‘What? Oh, nothing.’

A small, petty flicker of something burned inside my chest.

‘Texting while in a potentially dangerous situation, huh?’ I said, managing to make it sound like a joke.

He looked guilty as hell. ‘No, sorry.’

‘Holy shit, are you texting that guy?’ Izzy asked, scandalously thrilled. ‘Simon said he’s _hot_!’

The fire was doused with a bucket of ice water.

‘What?’

‘Declan,’ Izzy said, trying to grab the phone playfully from Jace. ‘The hot British guy?’

‘There’s a hot British guy?’

‘I’m gonna fucking _kill_ Simon.’

‘Finally run through the entire female population?’ I said with a false laugh that rang hollow even to me.

‘It was Clary, actually,’ he said, looking away. I felt immediately bad for sniping at him. Jace put himself down constantly and he didn’t need me making him feel like there was anything wrong with being promiscuous. ‘Just something about tomorrow.’

My fucking twenty-first birthday. _Yay_. I thought of the gift I still hadn’t opened from Magnus and felt slightly sick.

‘Whatever,’ I said, hoping to move on. ‘You two can call it a night if you want. I’ll stay out a little longer.’

Izzy shot me a concerned look. ‘Yeah, ‘cause Jace and I aren’t really into the whole Shadowhunting thing anyway. The hell, Alec?’

I wanted to be alone. To walk through the night, to think and breathe the cold air and let myself feel the weight of my decision earlier. 

With a smile, I shook my head. ‘Sorry. Piss poor excuse for hoping to sneak away and go see Magnus.’

The lie was easy which should have been worrying.

Neither or Izzy nor Jace seemed especially convinced, but they couldn’t argue it either. They didn’t know, not yet anyway.

‘OK, cool,’ Jace said a little uncertainly. ‘Tell him I said hi.’

‘Will do.’

* * *

_It was the first time I_ _’d ever got drunk and it was an absolute disaster. Almost seventeen years old, dragged out for my birthday by Jace and Izzy to Sang’s - a club packed with Mundanes and guarded by men who didn’t especially care about ID - and I’d never had any alcohol before._

_My first taste of alcohol was fucking disgusting._

_‘It gets better,’ Jace insisted, ordering three more shots._

_I was still coughing._ _‘The hell was that?’_

_‘That, my friend,’ he said, lining up more of the poisonous shit. ‘Was Tequila!’_

_‘I prefer Goldschlager,’ Izzy complained. ‘_ _Hey, can we get three Goldschlager_ _’s over here please?’_

_After an hour or so of coming to realise alcohol was revolting but the effects weren_ _’t so bad, Jace informed me I was drunk._

_‘You’re so fucked, man,’ he laughed. ‘This is the best!’_

_Everything was wonderful. I felt happy, optimistic even._

_‘This is pretty great,’ I admitted, wrapping my arm around him. ‘I see why you do this.’_

_The music was loud enough that I could feel it rattling in my ribcage. I wanted to dance._ _‘Let’s go,’ I said, pulling him by the hand out onto the cramped dance floor. We started to dance, something I had never really done before. I didn’t let go of his hand. Jace was a brilliant dancer and I knew, objectively, that I was not, but I didn’t feel self-conscious._

_I closed my eyes and moved with the rhythm. Everything was perfect. All the stress and weight of being Alexander Lightwood was suspended mid-air, gravity was restrained. I felt so free._

_It happened before I even realised it was fucking happening._

_I pressed my mouth against his like it was the most normal and natural thing in the world._

This is good, _my mind assured me._ This is the best thing we could have done in this moment. Kiss him more, kiss him harder, deeper. This is a good decision.

_It only lasted a second because he moved away._

_‘Whoa,’ he said, laughing nervously and reality hit me like a freight train. ‘It’s me…Jace?’_

_‘Oh yeah,’ I said, pretending like I’d somehow forgotten who he was. ‘Sorry.’_

_‘It’s OK,’ he said, eyes sparkling and a little awkward. ‘I do it all the time.’_

_‘Kiss people you shouldn’t?’_

Holy shit, stop talking now.

_‘Yeah, just random girls,’ he said, generously giving me an out. ‘C’mon let’s get another drink.’_

_‘Uh, no,’ I said, finally pulling my hand away from his. ‘Gotta take a piss.’_

_He laughed._ _‘Don’t think I’ve ever heard you say it like that before.’_

_I stumbled away from him without a response. Thankfully, there was no queue for the Men_ _’s Room as there was with the Ladies. Stomach churning violently, I shoved against the door of the only stall and wanted to scream when it didn’t budge._

_‘Wait your turn, asshole!’ some guy yelled from inside._

_‘Open the door,’ I said, voice trembling. ‘Before I rip it off the fucking hinges and use your head as a plunger!’_

_A few of the guys around me made sounds of approval._

_The stall opened with a bang and before the idiot inside could even get a word out, I grabbed him by the collar and punched him with my free hand. It wasn_ _’t a very good punch; I was drunk and devastated. It still knocked him down, though. He was just some Mundane who hadn’t spent his life training to fight evil._

_Now my bathroom audience were cheering loudly. The guy yelled from the floor, hands over his mouth and I stepped over him and into the stall._

_I locked the door and emptied the contents of my stomach._

* * *

I left the most populated areas, not an easy thing to do in New York City. I didn’t want to be around people, couldn’t bear it. The lie about going to see Magnus sat in my stomach like a stone. Especially painful because I _wanted_ to go see him. I wanted desperately to run back, bang on the door and kiss him the moment he opened it. Tell him I was sorry, I was wrong.

Anything but being alone like this.

And sure, I didn’t have to be alone. Jace and Izzy would be there for me if I wanted them to be. But it was difficult to watch Izzy and Simon getting closer and even worse to see Jace involving himself with a _guy_ …when I was alone.

I knew why it was the right thing to do, with Magnus. He was something genuinely special and he didn’t deserve to be caught up in my stupid in-between obsession with Jace.

Didn’t lessen the agony, but at least it was in aid of trying to do something _good_. I’d thrown everything out of balance, being with Magnus. It was selfish, I could see that now. Jace, no matter how much he hurt me or broke my heart, was all that mattered.

‘Hey,’ someone called and I looked up, tense and alert.

It was a woman, standing at the far end of the deserted alleyway I’d wandered in to. She was tall and utterly still.

My instincts prickled. This wasn’t good. Shit, where the hell was I?

Warily, I looked around. ‘Yeah?’

She smiled, too wide.

‘Can you help me, little boy?’

She was taller than me. Her arms looked too long as well.

Abandoning any pretence, I drew my bow, arrow locked in place and aimed. ‘Who are you?’ I demanded loudly, voice ricocheting off the walls. The air tasted wet and tangy. Rain on the way.

‘Come closer, I’ll show you,’ she said, still totally unmoving except for the growing joker smile. I stared, breathing tightly as the smile widened to the point of splitting her face. Rows of teeth gleamed in the dull light from the one street lamp between us both.

Her eyes rolled back, white and blank.

I let the arrow fly. It hit her right in the throat. I thought she was choking, but it was laughter. A long, thin arm reached up and pulled it out.

Then she moved so quickly I could barely see it. She came at me like a shark, dead on and frighteningly fast, mouth agape. I fired another arrow, but it didn’t slow her. I dropped the bow, grabbed my Seraph blade and prepared for close combat.

* * *

_Jace took me home, which had to be a first. He got me into the Institute without anyone, especially my parents, noticing. Carefully, he led me through the halls to his bedroom._

_‘Here you go,’ he said, gently depositing me on his soft bed. I was still drunk, though not quite as much as before. He knelt in front of me and unlaced my boots, pulling them off. I watched as he went to unbuckle my belt, but thought better of it. I hated myself so powerfully in that moment I wanted to die. He wouldn’t forget the stupid, reckless press of my lips to his._

_It wouldn’t destroy everything between us, but it had fractured it._

_‘Why don’t you strip down and I’ll get you some water?’ he said, rising and leaving me to bite my bottom lip as hard as I could so I didn’t cry._

_With numb hands, I kicked off my pants and viciously threw my jacket at the wall. He reappeared with a glass of tap water and wide eyes._

_‘Was that meant for me?’ he asked, grinning._

_‘No,’ I said without inflection. ‘Thanks for your help.’_

_He handed me the water which I sipped mostly for something to do, rather than out of thirst._

_‘I think I owed you a few, huh?’_

_I wanted him to leave so I could collapse into a wretched sleep, but he didn_ _’t seem to be obliging._

_‘You can go,’ I told him. ‘I’m fine.’_

_‘I’ll stay, if that’s OK. It is my room, after all.’_

_I felt stupid._ _‘Oh, right. I’ll go in my own—’_

_‘No,’ he said, grabbing my hand. ‘Stay here, please.’_

_‘Why?’_

_‘Do you need a reason?’_

_‘You don’t need to watch me to make sure I don’t die in my fucking sleep, Jace.’_

_‘Actually, I do. This is your first time being drunk.’_

_‘And last,’ I spat._

_‘Oh, really?’_

_‘Yup,’ I said, leaning back. My head hit the pillow and began to fucking spin like crazy. My heart hurt. My throat burned. ‘Definitely.’_

_‘That sucks, man. You didn’t have fun?’_

_He sounded so hurt. Only Jace could take my insulting alcohol as a personal affront._

_‘I had fun with you and Izzy.’_

_‘Till she left us for that_ dude _._ _’_

_I huffed a laugh despite myself._ _‘Great to meet you, dudes!’_

_‘You dudes having a good night?_

_‘Can I get any dudes a drink?_

_Jace laughed with me._ _‘I’m not gonna let Izzy live that down for a while.’_

_‘Angel, you should talk, Jace,’ I admonished lazily. ‘Izzy went off with one guy who says_ dude _every other word, but you_ _’ve been with some absolute rejects of the highest order, let me tell you.’_

_My eyes were closed, but I felt him crawl on the bed beside me._

_‘Like what?’ he asked, snaking his arms around my middle._

_I swallowed hard._ _‘Like that girl with the friend.’_

_‘That narrows it down.’_

_‘The one who wanted her friend to go with you, remember?’_

_He chuckled. His breath ticked the back of my neck._ _‘Oh, holy shit, yeah. She wanted her friend to keep watch while we fucked outside.’_

_‘Then she wanted her friend to go home with you both.’_

_‘OK, that’s one. I’ve made good choices, Lightwood.’_

_‘I’ve yet to see them.’_

_‘What about uh…Christine? She was cool.’_

_‘You were intimidated by her, didn’t even call her the next day.’_

_‘I was_ not _intimidated by her!_ _’_

_‘She asked you for a threesome.’_

_‘Why would that intimidate me?’_

_‘It was with another guy.’_

_‘Yeah, so?’_

_Why? Fucking_ why _?_

_‘Go to sleep, Jace.’_

_‘Hey, I’m the sober one here. Or, the_ most _sober one. I_ _’m in charge.’_

_‘Great, we’re screwed then.’_

_‘Happy birthday, Alec.’_

_He pressed a kiss to the back of my neck and then nestled himself closer to me, wrapping himself around me almost completely. I opened my eyes, trying to steady my breathing._

_‘Thanks.’_

_He whispered,_ _‘Love you.’_

_‘Yeah, you too.’_

_‘Forever?’_

_‘Forever.’_

_I waited until the rhythm of his breathing levelled out, confirming he was asleep before I let myself silently cry._

* * *

I was losing. This demon thing, whatever it was, had the upper hand in speed and strength. I was losing and it was going to be a bad way to go.

The long arms split into two, making four razor sharp weapons which clawed at me with relish. The first cut was deep, right across my chest and the sting alerted me to the fact that there was some kind of poison tipping the talons.

Panicked, I tried to get a better stance but the claws were everywhere. She knocked me down and the teeth came at me. I managed to roll away, but she anticipated the move and a claw pierce my shoulder. She gurgled victoriously.

I used the moment to thrust the blade up into her chest.

The gurgle morphed into an angry scream and she yanked the blade away indignantly. Ichor poured from the wound; my hands were wet with it as I scrambled to reach for my weapon and she pinned me down.

‘Naughty!’ she screeched, teeth inches from my face. ‘If I wanted you dead, you’d be in pieces!’

I struggled. ‘Fuck you!’

She giggled monstrously. ‘No, but thanks. I’ve got a better use for you, little Shadowhunter.’

* * *

_A/N - MY WONDERFUL READERS! This chapter was written fast for you. OK, well it was fast by my standards. I apologise that it's a teeny bit shorter than the last one, but the next one will make up for it. I hope you enjoy this latest addition and I just want to thank everyone who has commented with such amazing, wonderful support. You are literally the reason I wrote this chapter in one night. Comments help me write, see how that works guys? Just a heads up that we are about to veer into the dark territory I warned about in my thousands of crazy tags. I won't spoil anything, but if you're triggered by anything especially dark, check the tags before you read the next chapter - I'll update them accordingly or at least put a warning at the top._

_I'm not going to lie, I ended the Magnus/Alec relationship earlier than I planned just due to the SHEER LEVEL of comments I got (and promptly deleted) telling me not to write this ship and involve Malec. It got boring, then annoying, then hurtful. Sorry to anyone who's disappointed. I promise Magnus isn't just going to vanish (like Clary, lol!) and he'll still be involved now and then but it was too much stress. I've never experienced anything like this backlash in any other fandom and it was unexpected to say the least._

_Thanks again for reading and for reaching out to me. It means the world._

_xxx_


	6. Chapter Six: I Looked Away For a Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is gone and Jace is beside himself. In trying to get his Parabatai back, he makes a deal.

**CHAPTER SIX**

**\- I Looked Away For a Second** **-**

**_‘_ ** _Ever since my baby went away,_

_It's been the blackest day, it's been the blackest day_

_All I hear is Billie Holiday,_

_It's all that I play It's all that I play._

_Because I'm going deeper and deeper,_

_Harder and harder,_

_Getting darker and darker._

_Looking for love In all the wrong places,_

_Oh my god, In all the wrong places, Oh my god._ _’_

-Lana Del Rey

**Jace**

It had been three days.

Three days.

Three fucking days.

Alec had been gone for three days and nothing I did, no matter who I hurt or beat up or threatened to murder…nothing yielded any results.

He’d been taken in an alley; his trail went stone cold less than a block away which usually meant either a portal or a car.

We had evidence of neither. CCTV picked up nothing. Magnus, who I involved less than an hour after his disappearance, said there was no portal opened or used in that area. Local chatter yielded nothing.

Alec was gone.

I was helpless. Lost. Alone.

The bond stretched and threatened to snap, unable to track him or do anything but feel, quite distantly, that he was in pain. He was hurt, he needed me. He could have been _dying_ for all I knew.

And I could do nothing.

‘Check again,’ I said, not looking at the people around me as I sat staring at the operations map. They kept throwing me worried looks, asking if I’d eaten, if I’d slept. ‘There has to be _someone_ who knows something.’

‘He’s right,’ Izzy said, voice rough, beside me. ‘There’s _always_ something. Alec is well known, we all are. Someone had to see it, be in on the plan, whatever the fuck it was.’

‘All the usual suspects swear blind they know nothing,’ said the guy we relied on for street knowledge, Henson.

‘One of them is lying,’ I said. ‘What about the scene?’

Henson sighed. ‘We’ve been over the scene a hundred times. We know he was hurt, we know he lost blood. The blood we tested was teaming with a paralytic agent. Scrape marks indicate a short, brutal fight with four claw-like weapons, likely a demon.’

‘It sounds like we know a lot,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘When in reality, we know fuck all!’

Izzy placed her hand on my arm. ‘Do another sweep of the bars; ask quietly, offer whatever you have to, no matter how much of a scumbag they are. Anything that points to his whereabout is invaluable.’

I stared hard at the map, three square miles around where he vanished, and only when they dispersed did I let go of the edge of the table. I exhaled slow and shaky.

‘I need to go,’ I told Izzy. ‘I have to try again.’

‘He won’t do it,’ she said, resigned. ‘He’s said it already.’

‘Do you think I shouldn’t try, then?’

Izzy closed her eyes. ‘Endanger one brother for the other? What a choice.’

Maryse came around the corner and I wished I’d left sooner. Battle-stations was all well and good when you were planning a fucking battle and knew the time and place. Staring at maps and going over the last few moments Alec experienced before he was taken was utterly unbearable, especially for his Mother.

‘Well?’ she asked, shrugging her jacket off carelessly.

Izzy shook her head. Maryse had been expecting it, but I looked up long enough to see that little bit of hope get well and truly crushed.

‘All right,’ she said, nodding. ‘We should consider expanding the search radius.’

It was a bad idea and she knew it. Expanding the search meant losing _control_ of the search, it meant needle in a national forest.

Izzy asked her, ‘How’s Max?’

Poor Max had only arrived yesterday, late from Alicante training. He’d mostly been stuck with Robert and Karine.

‘He’s doing well,’ she said briskly. ‘He just wants to help.’

Izzy managed a kind of smile. ‘He’s brave.’

‘Well, right now he can’t,’ I said coldly. ‘He’s best kept out of it.’

Maryse looked down. ‘Yes, I suppose you’re right.’

An awkward silence brewed around us until Izzy rolled her eyes and hauled me up and away from the map. ‘C’mon, then. ‘While he’s still letting us in.’

* * *

‘For the last time,’ Magnus said irritably. ‘I will _not_ do it!’

I glared dully at him. ‘I am not ever going to stop asking until you do.’

‘Then I’ll leave.’

‘I don’t know how you can even _think_ of leaving him behind.’

‘Leave the apartment, not the city. Do you really think so little of me?’

‘Fine, you care so much then do it!’

‘It is too dangerous, the risks to your life and worse, your _soul—_ _’_

 _‘_ I DON’T CARE!’

‘I KNOW YOU DON’T CARE BUT HE _WOULD_!’

‘Hey!’ Izzy cut in over our yelling. ‘Back the fuck off, both of you. What does this solve, huh?’

I turned away and rubbed my eyes. They itched with something like tiredness, only I couldn’t possibly have slept.

‘If you don’t help me find him, I’m gonna die anyway, do you understand that, Warlock?’

Magnus sighed. ‘The risks are too great. I have limits.’

‘You’re the High Warlock—’

‘Moral limits, Jace.’

My breath caught in my chest; a kind of pain that had struck the first time I realised Alec had been taken and had only got worse every moment he was away.

‘If I can travel through the bond, I could find him, Magnus.’

Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘Let’s say I could do it. I send you _through_ the bond that is weak and stretched at best, either due to distance or, more likely, a barrier. Say you go through unharmed and see through his eyes…getting out will be a hundred times harder and you know why?’

‘Magnus,’ Izzy rebuked him, but he ignored her.

‘Because he won’t want to let you go! Accidentally, he could trap you there with and believe me, the time it takes for your body to adjust to having no soul is _minimal_!’

I looked at him dead on. _‘I. don’t. care.’_

He shook his head. ‘Of course, you don’t. You’re grieving.’

‘I am _not_ grieving, he’s still alive!’

‘You’re not thinking clearly and you _know_ it!’

My hands clawed at the air, trying to contain the impotent rage burning me alive.

‘I… _please Magnus,_ ’ I begged. ‘I can’t be without him.’

He gave me a look I despised. His anger had almost melted away, revealing a core of pity. ‘I know, Jace. That’s why I can’t do it. You won’t want to leave him either.’

‘Fuck you!’ I hissed and slammed the door on my way out.

* * *

I watched the sun rise.

Four days.

This couldn’t be happening.

This could not be how it went down. Not for him, not for me. Alec couldn’t go first. I couldn’t be left behind. No great battle, no heroic sacrifice. He was just fucking… _gone_. No reason why. No greater good. No trail or set of trials to get him back. Nothing.

Just the gaping, hollow chasm left in his wake.

I sat on the roof and tried to control myself that I might tune into the thin, wavering connection between us.

Pain. Distress. Fear. 

I felt him. He was in some kind of…resting phase. Not asleep, but not quite conscious. He wasn’t alone. He couldn’t relax. The pain was constant. Restraints.

I focused harder, my head hurt but I viciously ignored it.

The restraints were tight, they cut into his wrists. His arms _screamed_ with agony. He was chained to a wall, standing. The wall was rough, it hurt his back.

It was dark. Quiet. He _wasn_ _’t_ alone.

The connection vibrated too hard. I clutched my head, nose stinging.

‘Fuck!’

I was useless. Even this wasn’t enough. No distinctive details. He was chained to a wall in the dark. He was in pain. He was afraid.

He would die without me there.

No. _No_.

I would do whatever I had to in order to prevent that. I would burn the world down.

‘Hey,’ Clary’s voice came from behind me. ‘You said to meet you up here?’

‘Did you tell anyone?’

‘No.’

‘Good. I need a rune.’

‘Jace, I’ve already tried every tracking rune I can think—’

‘No, not a tracking rune. I stood up, facing her. ‘A summoning rune.’

‘For what?’

‘A bargaining demon.’

She swallowed. ‘No.’

‘Draw it and leave, Clary.’

‘Jace, he wouldn’t want you to do this.’

‘If one more person says what he would or wouldn’t have done—’

‘He’d never be able to live with himself if you died trying to save him.’

‘Yes, he would. He’s stronger than me.’

‘Jace, please.’

‘Draw it or I’ll find someone else.’

Clary swore and shook her head. ‘This is so fucked.’

‘Yeah, welcome to my world.’

She drew the rune on the flat part of the rooftop. Once the lines were completed, it shimmered and began to glow blue. The air sizzled, bent and distorted with magic.

A voice came from the light.

‘You summon the old one?’

Clary pleaded with her eyes, begging me to say nothing.

‘Yes, I summon him!’

‘You know the price?’

‘Whatever it is, I’ll pay it.’

‘You cannot pay unless you know.’

‘Tell me then!’

‘If you must be told, you cannot know.’

‘FUCKING TELL ME AND I’LL PAY IT!’

‘Learn the price of Belaphim and return willingly.’

The light and voice vanished entirely. Clary had her hands over her mouth. Disappointment hit me hard, right in the gut.

Fuck.

‘We shouldn’t have done that,’ she breathed.

‘Don’t tell anyone,’ I warned her. ‘I mean it, Clary.’

Defiance shone in her eyes. ‘I know how much Alec means you to. I won’t say anything.’

‘All right.’

‘Where are you going?’

‘Research.’

* * *

I had no time to go through musty old books or even the archives. I couldn’t risk typing in something that flagged up as restricted or alerted anyone to what I was doing. I went straight to the only person who would know.

‘Back again?’ Magnus snapped as I barged my way in. ‘I swear I’m moving to Canada.’

‘Do what you want, just tell me something,’ I said, hands itching for something to _do_. ‘And spare me all your _Warlock Code of Honour_ bullshit, OK? What’s the price of Belaphim?’

His expression soured even more. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Well?’

‘You tried to summon a _bargaining_ demon?’

‘Spare me the warning labels, OK?’

Mouth in a thin line, he shook his head. ‘I should have known.’

‘You’re the one who refused what I asked! So again, what’s the price of Belaphim?’

He looked disgusted. ‘He collects futures.’

‘OK…so?’

‘Tell me exactly what he said.’

Impatiently, I echoed, _‘Learn the price of Belaphim and return willingly.’_

‘It wouldn’t be death,’ he said, almost to himself. ‘Anyone can see you’d die for him in an instant. It would be something difficult to give up.’

‘Like what?’

He stared at me. ‘Do you want to be a Father one day?’

‘Yeah, of course,’ I said, unthinkingly. ‘Oh.’

Nodding, he said, ‘That would be it, I think.’

I tried to let that sink into comprehension. No children, no babies made of my DNA. My family name dying with me.

‘OK,’ I said, my chest feeling tight. ‘He can take it.’

‘Yes, because I’m sure you can truly appreciate the gravity of such a decision at the ripe old age of twenty!’

My vision darkened and I stumbled. Magnus rushed forward to catch me before I pitched forward.

‘…ridiculous,’ he was saying, dropping me into a plush chair. ‘How do you expect to save him when you can’t even stand?’

‘I’m just tired,’ I said, but my vision was still swimming, chest tight. Fatigue was eating me alive. ‘I have to…summon him, find Alec.’

‘And then what? Snore at whatever is holding him? You need some sleep.’

I tried to get up. ‘No!’

‘You’re getting at least three hours,’ he said sternly. When I struggled, he rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. Darkness flooded. Consciousness dimmed. Sleep came.

* * *

I dreamt.

Alec was fine, he was home safe. We were laughing and hugging, discussing the battle. He was with me once more.

No. Not real.

Alec wasn’t fine. I hadn’t made it in time. He was gone, really gone. Eyes glassy and unfocused. An empty vessel. No connection. No bond.

 _No_. Not real, not real! I would save him.

Alec was destroyed, but alive. He was in a cell, arms breaking slowly, shoulders separating. He was being injected with something. He’d given up pleading for them not to. The injection stung, but he barely felt it.

The drugs pulsed around his system, dulling and sharpening everything at the same time. He was bleeding. He was breaking apart.

He breathed my name.

His companion, a woman, laughed.

‘There is no Jace, silly boy. You dreamed him up.’

Alec threw his head back screamed.

* * *

‘Jace! Stop, it’s OK, calm down!’

Magnus’s hands were clamped tightly around my wrists. I felt like I was having a heart attack. Alec’s scream rang in my ears.

‘Breathe slow,’ he told me. ‘Look at me!’

I did as he bade, trying to take deep breaths. My heart was thundering in my chest, mouth dry.

‘I saw him,’ I managed after a few deep, trembling breaths. ‘I saw him in chains, he was…’

I burst into tears. My body was _done_. There was no holding it in.

Magnus, to his absolute credit, enveloped me in a firm hug and held me there until I felt strong enough to draw back and pull myself together.

‘It’s going to be all right,’ he said. ‘I know how much you love him. He’s strong, Jace.’

‘I should have been with him.’

‘You will be.’

‘He would never have been taken if I was with him.’

‘Blaming yourself is about the worst, most useless thing you can do.’

Roughly, I scrubbed a hand over my face. Magnus got up and returned moments later with a steaming mug of coffee.

‘I still don’t know why he didn’t come to you,’ I said, gratefully accepting the beverage. ‘Why he went so far in the opposite direction. He didn’t get any calls or messages.’

Magnus cleared his throat. ‘Jace…Alec and I broke up that day.’

I froze, coffee hovering under my mouth. ‘What?’

He shifted hesitantly. ‘He came here. We talked and we broke up. It wasn’t a fight.’

The bottom dropped out of the world. ‘Oh my God.’

‘I’m sorry, if I thought it was relevant, I’d have said something sooner.’

 _I_ _’ve gotta do something first but after that I’m free._ That’s what he’d said when we made up. He knew then, planned it.

‘Magnus,’ I said, voice uneven. ‘Please don’t lie to me, OK? Did he break up with you…because of me?’

The Warlock stared, unblinking. ‘Yes.’

I knew what he was going to say, but it didn’t lessen the impact. A twisting, wrenching gut punch. My spiteful attitude, isolating myself and hurting him…it had caused all this. He’d broken up with Magnus because of me. Wanted to be alone because of me. Had _been_ alone because of me.

Belaphim wanted my future? He could fucking take it.

‘Jace?’ Magnus was saying. I shook myself. ‘Izzy is calling you. Your phone, see?’

Numbly, I took it from him and placed the coffee down, untouched.

‘Yeah,’ I answered.

‘Jace,’ Izzy breathed. ‘We might have a lead.’

Lightning struck my weary body, bringing me to life again.

‘I’m coming now,’ I said, about to hang up.

‘No!’ she said quickly. ‘Meet us here, I texted you the address.’

I glanced at the screen. ‘Ten minutes,’ I said and she hung up.

Magnus stood, eyes alight and intense. ‘Where are they?’

I read aloud the message. ‘I hate that place,’ he said, drawing himself to full height, swinging his arms back. He opened a portal. ‘Let’s go.’

* * *

It was a pretty poorly decorated Thai place. We portalled right into the kitchen and scared the shit out of the chefs and wait staff. I couldn’t have cared less.

‘Sorry for the fireworks,’ Magnus told them as I weaved through, heading for the back exit.

I pushed the door hard and cold, night air flooded my lungs. I saw Izzy with Clary and Simon. Simon was crouched on the ground. They looked up at us.

‘It’s Alec’s blood,’ Izzy said without preamble. I didn’t question it; she would never have announced it unless they were 100% certain.

Simon nodded. ‘There’re trace amounts of it over there too, but a fairly decent set of droplets here. He likely stood right here for a few moments.’

I looked around. The significance was lost on me.

‘Does it lead inside?’

‘No. It leads up.’

I followed his gaze. ‘The roof?’

He nodded. ‘Three drops, increasing distance between them.’

I let his information sink in. ‘He was carried away by something that flies?’

‘It seems to make sense.’

‘Why stop here, then?’

‘There’s more blood,’ Simon answered, standing. ‘Not human.’

‘He hurt it,’ Clary said. ‘More demon blood over there, a few scuffle marks. He hurt it and forced it to land. It got it’s bearings, picked him up and then took off again.’

‘In what direction?’

Izzy sighed. ‘Assuming the thing went in a straight line? That way.’

I looked where she pointed. Towards the east river.

‘Very impressive, I must say,’ Magnus chimed in. ‘This also narrows down the search for the demon. Wings _and_ a paralytic agent? Not very common.’

I turned to him. ‘Can you try and find it?’

‘I can ask around, but I have to be careful. I don’t want to tip it off.’

‘Do it.’

He drew a portal. ‘Please,’ he said. ‘Keep me updated, yes?’

‘Of course.’

Once he was gone, I turned to the others. ‘I have a chance to pinpoint his location.’

Clary shook her head. Izzy’s eyes widened. ‘How?’

‘A deal.’

‘With a greater demon,’ Clary filled in angrily.

‘What did it offer, specifically?’ Izzy asked.

I shook my head. ‘I didn’t get that far along. Look, I’m just saying we have a backup option, OK? This is a solid lead. We can follow this up. Hack into drone footage, narrow down the directional area.’

‘And if that doesn’t pan out,’ Clary said, crossing her arms. ‘Are you gonna pay the price, whatever it was?’

I didn’t blink. ‘Yes.’

Simon asked, ‘What was the price?’

‘Some bullshit I wouldn’t even miss,’ I lied flawlessly. ‘We need to move fast if we’re gonna tighten the trail. Clary, can you access drone footage from the Institute?’

‘Yeah, should be fine.’

‘OK, then Simon can stick around as our blood hound.’

Izzy and Clary hugged. Simon and I stood awkwardly near each other.

‘Call once you have something,’ Izzy said.

Clary nodded and shot me a heated look. ‘Think before you do something monumentally stupid, please?’

‘I’ll try.’

* * *

I didn’t say anything because I was in no position to do so, but I caught sight of a bite mark on Izzy’s inner wrist and knew suddenly how Simon was able to track Lightwood blood with such accuracy. Izzy saw me staring.

She tipped her chin defiantly. He was our brother, there were no limits to what we would do to save him.

‘Here,’ Simon said, drawing away from our extremely dangerous rooftop trail. ‘Another splatter. Tiny, but definitely him.’

‘It’s still a line,’ Izzy said, looking at Google Maps showing our journey so far. ‘A wonky line, but no deviation so far.’

‘How far out are we?’

‘Mile and half. Can you feel him more, a stronger link?’

I closed my eyes, testing the bond.

‘No,’ I said after a moment, bitterly disappointed. ‘But he’s still alive, that’s one good thing.’

Izzy’s phone went off. ‘Any luck? Oh, Clary, you’re the fuckin’ _best_! Send it over along with anything else. We’re still finding blood. Yeah, it’s still heading towards the river. OK, thanks again.’ She hung up. ‘Drones picked up several shots. She’s sending it over now.’

‘Is anyone else never sleeping ever again?’ Simon asking, looking up at the sky. ‘Like, for real? Things flying around up there?’

‘Here,’ Izzy said, ignoring him. We gathered around her phone. The footage was fuzzy. We waited and about 10 seconds in, something white flew past.

‘Go back,’ I said unnecessarily. She was already dragging her finger along the time line. Slowed down, frame for frame, we watched.

‘There!’ I pointed. ‘That’s Alec.’

It was difficult to make out, but it looked like some kind of woman in tattered white rags carrying Alec. The wings weren’t large; bony and spindly.

‘Jace,’ Izzy breathed. ‘He’s unconscious.’

‘We’re on the right track,’ I insisted.

‘A track that’s leading to the river.’

‘Guys,’ Simon said, squinting at the photo. ‘Isn’t that the river, below them?’

I stared hard. ‘Fuck.’ Sure enough, I could make out the bridge and a body of water, lit up fractionally by the lights. ‘FUCK!’

‘Looks like the Lower East Side,’ Simon pointed out. ‘Should we cross and try to pick up the trail there?’

I swallowed. ‘We have to accept that fact that this thing could have flown him to fucking Algeria for all we know. I can barely feel him.’

Izzy looked pained. ‘He could just be weak.’

‘Look, we’re wasting time. I know I can find him.’

Concerned, Simon said, ‘If you summon this…demon thing?’

‘Belaphim and yes.’

I fixed my gaze on Izzy. I needed her permission.

‘We do it together,’ she said after a long moment. ‘Or not at all.’

* * *

_I was fifteen. I_ _’d had alcohol before but not like this. This marked the very first time I was drunk beyond my ability to take care of myself. It happened almost by accident. I was waiting outside some dive of a Mundane nightclub, doing recon for a lead on a demonic cult, when a group of girls walks past and one of them started talking to me._

_Confident and flirty, she asked how old I was. I told her eighteen._

_Her group took me inside, vouched for me with the doorman. The first drink was bad, but the effect was immediate. A painful, sour burn that worked to numb the core of who I was._

_I had another. And another. And five. Then ten._

_The girls wandered off, meeting older guys than me and the one girl who spoke to me also lost interest when it became apparent my new obsession was the alcohol itself and not her._

_I sat there mostly alone, save for the odd person coming and attempting to flirt, and I tried all different kinds, finding I liked Tequila the best._

_But after a while I realised, I was going to need help to get home. The thought was scary at first; it was the first time I wasn_ _’t able to take care of myself, my independence stripped away. Then I remembered Alec would take care of me. My Parabatai._

_I called him from outside, leaning against the wall with my eyes closed._

‘Angel, what the hell is wrong with you?’ _he asked, panicked at my slurred response._ _‘_ Are you hurt? Where are you?’

_I laughed._ _‘’M drunk, Alec. Fuckin’ absolutely wasted!’_

‘Fuck _,_ _’ Alec swore fervently._ ‘Mom is gonna kill you.’

_‘She’ll never know.’_

‘Oh really?’

_‘You’re gonna help me.’_

_There was a long, drawn out sigh._ ‘Yeah, of course. Where are you?’

_I turned around and peered up at the sign._ _‘Sang’s,’ I read aloud._

_He was there within ten minutes and he looked pretty pissed._

_‘What happened to recon, huh?’ he asked quietly, snatching my phone from me._

_‘Hey!’_

_‘Don’t need you drunk dialling some ex and causing more trouble, do we?’_

_‘Guess not, but still - ‘S’not nice to snatch!’_

_‘How are you this drunk? Did you drink the whole bar? And how did you even get in?’_

_‘Girls, almost and charm.’_

_He rolled his eyes._ _‘C’mon, we need a cab.’_

_‘I hate cabs.’_

_‘Oh, so I get to princess carry you, do I?’_

_I graciously allowed him to hail a cab for us and spent the entire journey home shamelessly snuggling against him, trying to burrow into his chest like a woodland creature hibernating. He was so warm and he smelled good._

_‘Hey, wait till you’re in the room, eh?’ the driver said, testily._

_‘It’s not…never mind,’ Alec said, trying to move me gently away but eventually giving up entirely. He softly ran his fingers through my hair for the rest of the ride. I stilled, basking in the contact and something clicked into place._

_This is where you belong, Jace._

_I_ _’d always know it, ever since I met him, but it was very clear then. I levelled out my breathing and pretended to be asleep. He bent lower and pressed a kiss to my hair._

_‘Love you,’ he breathed._

_I didn_ _’t reply, not because I didn’t love him, but because my heart was stuck in my throat. Even drunk and dizzy, my mind slipping in and out of focus, I knew I would never love anyone like him. This was the closest I would ever come to real, genuine happiness. Completion._

_The cab stopped and Alec paid him. I swayed at the door as he sought his keys. The air was bitingly cold and I was tired now._

_‘Will you take me to bed?’ I asked._

_He faltered a little, but regained control quickly._ _‘Of course,’ he said barely missing a beat. ‘Can’t exactly leave you alone.’_

_‘Why not?’_

_‘First time drunk is dangerous. You don’t know how your body will react.’ He opened the doors silently and shot me a warning look._

_We crept through the living quarters, avoiding the people working through the night to make the world a safer place. He held my hand the entire way._

_‘Here,’ he said, finally leading me into his bedroom. I let myself fall onto his soft, squishy double bed and sighed loudly._

_‘Finally,’ I said. ‘C’mere, Alec.’_

_He hung his jacket on a chair and obeyed warily._

_‘Do you need anything?’_

_‘You,’ I said honestly._

_‘Yeah, right. Not some hot girl and her cousin?’_

_I grimaced._ _‘Urgh, you know what I really want?’_

_‘Dazzle me.’_

_‘A sandwich. No! A_ melty _sandwich, with cheese and bacon!_ _’_

_He grinned, despite himself._ _‘You really want one?’_

_I sat up, excitement and pleasure burning away at the alcohol._ _‘Yes, please.’_

_‘All right, I’ll make you one, but then you need to sleep, OK?’_

_‘Can I have extra bacon?’_

_‘I’m not your wife, y’know? Maybe you could haul your drunk ass up and do it yourself!’_

_‘You’re_ sooo _my wife,_ _’ I said gleefully. ‘But I’m a good husband. I’ll come and help, how’s that?’_

_‘Actually, no - stay here. You’ll create chaos, I can see it now. Stay there and I’ll be right back.’_

_I smiled, kicking my boots off._ _‘Thanks babe!’_

_‘You’re welcome, sweetheart.’_

* * *

Clary confirmed that there was no more drone footage to track the demon. Nothing to indicate where it went or how far they travelled. There was no other choice, or so I told myself.

Alec was in more pain than ever now. I felt it so distantly it terrified me.

‘Hold on a little longer,’ I told him quietly. We were by the river, waiting for Clary to arrive. Simon and Izzy were speaking a little distance away from me, closer to the water. I sensed Izzy was on the verge of crying, judging by Simon’s expression.

He cared about her.

I watched him gently pull her into his arms and kiss her hair. I thought of the time Alec did that to me and I had to look away.

It started to rain, but I didn’t care. Moisture made the air heavy. Clary’s cab finally arrived.

‘Did anyone ask anything?’

‘No,’ she said, squinting in the rain. ‘But your Mom and Dad were arguing.’

‘Great,’ Izzy said, turning away from Simon, though I noticed her hand lingered in his for a few moments. ‘Just what everyone needs. Poor Max.’

‘Max is OK,’ Clary said. ‘A couple of new people arrived to help with the search. He’s playing with one of them, he seemed nice’

Izzy tied her hair up. ‘Anyone we know?’

‘Uh, Sebastian, I think?’

‘Are we doing this or not?’ I snapped, impatiently.

‘We are,’ Izzy said.

The rain was pouring now. The four of us stood by the river, drenched but determined.

‘Simon, you’re lookout. Anyone gets near, either get rid of them or let us know about it.’

‘Sure,’ he said and gave a nod.

‘Clary, you’ll draw the rune but nothing else. You’re backup for us. Can’t have this thing thinking you’re a part of the deal.’

She didn’t seem happy, but she agreed.

‘All right then. Let’s do it. We should get closer to the water, more cover.’

We stood on a high, man-made bank with the water only four feet below. The ground was wet, but flat. Clary crouched and drew the rune while Simon stood further away, guarding us.

‘Remember what I said,’ Izzy warned. ‘Both or neither.’

I looked at my sister. ‘I remember.’

She took my hand and held it tightly. The glow was almost instant. I couldn’t help but think the demon was eager.

‘You return, little Shadowhunter?’

‘Yes,’ I said loudly, over the white noise of the rain.

‘Who comes to me to bargain? Does this woman also wish to pay the price of Belaphim?’

‘No,’ I said before Izzy could speak. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I told her and shoved her hard, into the river below. She fell with a surprised yell, landing with a splash that was muffled by the rain.

‘Jace! What the hell?’ Clary demanded.

‘Go help her!’

Clary ran to the edge. I heard Izzy screaming at me not to do this, that Alec was her brother too.

‘I pay the price knowingly and willingly!’ I yelled at the glowing rune.

‘What price?’

I ground my teeth. ‘I forfeit my ability to father any children.’

‘Then ask your favour, Shadowhunter.’

‘Tell me where Alec Lightwood is!’

Silence. I waited, heart twisting and fingers trembling.

‘No,’ the voice said after an agonising minute.

‘What? You said—!’

‘I will not tell you where he is. I will take you.’

The light expanded and swallowed me whole.

* * *

I landed hard with a crunch. The fall knocked the air from my lungs and winded me, but I’d been trained against worse. I got up quickly, pulling out my blade. It was a dark room, almost pitch black. I felt around for my witchlight, but it had shattered when I landed and so had my phone.

‘Fuck,’ I swore under my breath and waited for my eyes to adjust as I inched forward. The blade gave off a faint glow, but not enough to reveal my surroundings.

Finally, I hit a wall. Hand flat against the rough, concrete surface, I followed it until I came to a corner and a door.

Painstakingly slow, I opened the door. Meagre light flooded in through the tiny gap and I peered through.

It was a long hallway with several doors. I tasted a sour undercurrent in the air and sensed demons were nearby. I gripped the handle of my blade tight. Distantly, I heard rain.

There were seven doors in total. Three on either side and one at the end, not including mine. I debated the value of stealth versus strength and decided to just see what happened and who attacked me.

I examined the Parabatai bond. It was stronger, but not by much. That worried me. The compound, or whatever it was, didn’t seem to be guarded and that worried me too. I couldn’t see any cameras. Aside from the rain, I couldn’t make out any sounds.

I tried the first door and to my surprise, it opened without any resistance. Body tense and ready for an attack, I ducked inside, checking the corners. Light from outside revealed a middle-aged man chained to the wall, unconscious.

He didn’t even look like Alec, but my heart contracted all the same. I went to him, patting his cheek.

‘Hey!’ I whispered, trying to wake him.

His eyes rolled, he seemed groggy. He wasn’t that badly hurt, but he wouldn’t wake.

The decision to leave him there was tantalising, caught in the urgency of finding Alec, but I couldn’t do it. I used the Seraph blade to cut the weakest part of his chains from the wall and free him. He fell in a heap, scraping his arm.

He remained unconscious, occasionally groaning.

‘I’ll come back for you,’ I promised. ‘But I can’t carry you, so stay here and try to wake the fuck up.’

I left the room and closed the door because it didn’t lock. If he did wake up, he could be able to get out. I told myself that over and over as I left him behind.

The next door revealed another person and then another. All six doors had people inside in varying degrees of consciousness. Some were almost fully aware. They cried silently and begged for me to help them even as I cut them free. I asked where the demon was, what had happened, but they just kept pleading for help. The other four were too out of it and I had to leave them slumped in their cells. The two who could walk came with to that seventh door where I knew what I would find.

I opened the door, barely breathing, when a shrill, piercing scream struck the air. It wasn’t human. The door yanked wide open and a monstrous creature spilled out into the hallway, pushing me down.

It was like an enormous bat with four long claws and two legs. _Spider-Bat,_ I cleverly named it in my head. I kicked up, preparing to kill the fuck out of it, whatever it was.

The face was that of a woman.

‘How I hoped you’d come!’ she snarled, mouth too wide. ‘He spoke of you often. I wanted to see this delicious boy, this Jace!’

‘Well, here I am, _bitch!_ ’

The two humans had fled into the door I came through. I kept my focus on the demon.

‘You want him back, do you?’ she asked, eyes narrowing and smile stretching. ‘I taste you inside him.’

‘Enough!’ I roared and attacked. The thing was fast and strong, but hand to hand was my forte. The anger and abject despair that had wracked me the last four days came out in jagged gluts. I used every inch of it to rent the Spider-Bat apart.

When I sliced off a claw, she screamed and it wiped the smile away. My ears hurt, but I pushed on. She managed to slice my cheek with the tip of a claw and I remembered the paralytic venom, praying I had time to kill it before it began to work.

‘He is lost to you now!’ she scathed. ‘What will you do without your soul?’

Teeth bared, I dropped and rolled below her and plunged the blade between two of her long, bony claws right into soft organs. I didn’t stop; I pulled the blade out and stabbed her again, over and over until I was drenched in black ichor.

She collapsed, landing on her side. Her teeth stained with black, she tried to smile and gurgle something, last words maybe. 

I stood up and swung the blade as hard as I could, severing the head in one smooth, clean motion.

The body went limp. The head rolled and then stilled.

My whole face was numb, I could feel it spreading. I dropped to my knees amongst the gore and ooze, used my Stele to draw an _Iratze_ and an _Amissio_ over my heart.

‘Alec?’ I called, crawling towards the room and using the frame to stand up again.

He was there. Angel, he was _there_. Chained to the wall, just like the others but unlike them he had sustained severe and obvious injuries. He was unconscious, just hanging there.

‘Alec! Wake up, come on, look at me!’

I held his face and shook it, but got no response. His pulse was there and I could have cried if there was time. With aching arms, I freed him from the wall and caught him before he dropped. Gently, I laid him down and began to frantically draw healing runes over his heart and any others I could think that would help him. I drew the energy rune last.

His eyes opened and he drew in a sharp breath.

‘It’s OK,’ I said, running my hands over his bare shoulders, trying to calm him. ‘I’m here now, it’s all OK.’

His whole body was shaking violently, his teeth chattering.

He stared at me for a long, painful moment. ‘Jace?’ he asked, not quite trusting that it was really me.

‘Yes,’ I promised him, voice cracking. ‘I’m so sorry.’

He pulled me into him, the embrace sufficient to bring tears to my eyes.

‘You came, I knew you would,’ he whispered.

‘Always. Always, always, always. Never leave you behind.’

‘We have to go,’ he said, drawing back. ‘Did you kill her?’

‘And then some,’ I assured him. ‘But yeah we need to go. There’s other’s in here too, some not awake yet. Was it magic?’

His expression darkened. ‘No.’

He held up his arm. Track marks.

‘That fucking drug?’ I gasped. ‘ _That_ _’s_ what this is?’

‘She was giving it to me constantly,’ he said, as I helped him stand. Some of his minor injuries had healed, but he would still need better help than I could provide.

‘Why?’

He laughed bitterly. ‘Didn’t say. Just said I should enjoy the ride.’

‘Are there others? Guards or goons?’

He shook his head, blinking in the light of the hallway. ‘I only ever saw her.’

‘Anyone who’s awake and wants to leave, get your ass out here!’ I called.

The two who had run did not return through my door, but three more came from their cells.

‘Thank you,’ a woman said, staring at the dead Spider-Bat on the floor. ‘You’re an angel.’

* * *

Finding a way out while carrying/dragging the still unconscious guy was a nightmare unto itself, but it didn’t matter because I had Alec. Alec was alive, he was with me. I maintained contact with him at all times, almost terrified to let him go. The compound was vast and empty. It had been a warehouse at some point in time, maybe even a factory.

‘It’s warded,’ Alec said as we _finally_ came to a set of doors. I could still hear the pouring rain outside.

‘That’s why we couldn’t trace you,’ I said, shifting my weight to better carry the unconscious guy. ‘Or feel you.’

The others opened the doors and warily, we went through. The barrier was almost invisible; a shimmery sheen, like a bubble. We had no choice but to pass through it.

‘Oh, thank fuck!’ I exhaled when we made it through unscathed.

‘You thought it was gonna burn us?’ Alec laughed weakly. I hated that it was weak, felt impatient to make him fully happy once more, no matter what it would take.

‘Knowing our luck,’ I said. The rain was falling thick and heavy. I looked around and saw that we were on the other side of the river, barely two miles from where I’d sold my future and any chance of ever conceiving children.

If we’d crossed the river, tracked the blood…we could have found him without Belaphim. ‘Ah, fuck it.’

‘What?’ Alec asked.

‘Nothing. My phone got smashed, we need to get help.’

‘How did you even find me?’ he asked.

A burst of light saved me from answering. From the portal, Clary, Izzy, Simon and Magnus came. Izzy ran at us the moment she saw us, flinging her arms around Alec and me. The others jogged over.

‘Let me see him,’ Magnus said, but I wouldn’t let go.

‘I’m OK,’ Alec said. ‘They need help, though,’ he indicated to the Mundanes. Magnus gave him a look, but went to their aid, reviving the unconscious older man almost immediately.

Simon called the cops, leaving out any details which might have caused problems. Izzy and Clary gave their jackets to the two women.

‘We’re going home,’ I told Alec.

He squeezed my hand. ‘I already am.’

* * *

_A/N - I hope this longer chapter makes up for the shorter one, writing this absolutely kicked my arse and I tried to get it done super quick. Hope you liked it, would love some feedback, as always!_


	7. Chapter Seven: I Think Fifth Wheel is More Accurate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy has watched them for years. She sees more than anyone thinks. It's lonely, watching from the side-lines.

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**\- I Think Fifth Wheel is More Accurate -**

_‘Now I’ve come to cry,_

_Shed my skin to rest my naked eye,_

_And criticise._

_All that I implore_

_Seems to be one foot outside that door,_

_Caught between me and waking._

_Underneath the corset of your mysteries,_

_Piece by piece undress of you of your history,_

_I_ _’m sleeping with seclusion in sweet disarray._

_You can go heavy on me,_

_I will not weigh you down, down, down._

_You can be steady and clean,_

_I can take it._

_Heavy on me_

_And I will not weigh you down._ _’_

_-Holly Brook_

**-Izzy-**

‘This is such bullshit!’ I hissed at Jace. ‘Go over it again and this time how about _not_ lying to me?’

I would have felt bad, given how tired and utterly wiped out he was, but I was too angry. The minute Alec was safely asleep in his bed, I dragged Jace away from him (no easy feat) and hauled his ass into a bathroom, turned on the shower and rounded on him.

‘Please,’ he said, holding up a hand. ‘Cut me some slack, Izzy. I’m fucking _exhausted_.’

‘You made a deal with that thing, it _took_ you to him! What did you give it?’

He sighed deeply, eyes shuttered. ‘I’m either not going to tell you or I’ll lie. Which is it?’

I slapped him across the face. ‘How _dare_ you? Talk to me like one of your latest fucks, I think fucking _not!_ He’s my brother too, Jace! You think you’re the only one allowed to sacrifice? You had no right to dictate my role in saving him!’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Tell me what you gave up!’

He looked me in the eye. My hand-print was forming, starkly contrasted with his pale, drawn face. ‘If I do, will you swear not to _ever_ tell him?’

Tear sprang to my eyes, somewhat due to my own exhaustion and emotional roller-coaster, but mostly because I knew it was something terrible. Jace loved Alec more than anything. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for him.

‘I swear.’

‘Swear never to tell _anyone_?’

‘I swear it.’

He turned away from me and gripped the basin of the sink, avoiding himself in the mirror. ‘Belaphim collects futures.’

‘My _God_ , Jace! What the fuck did you give it? Your whole life?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘I would have offered it freely, had it asked, but no.’ He paused, looking up at himself in the steaming mirror. ‘Children,’ he said softly. ‘I gave away my ability to have children.’

It rendered me dumbstruck. I wanted to cry, but I held it at bay. For a few moments we were silent, together. Just standing in that small bathroom, rapidly filling with steam as he let the truth sink in.

‘I can’t ever have children,’ he said again, frowning like it was the first time he’d really heard it. ‘I’m the last Herondale.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I don’t even know how to quantify what you’ve sacrificed.’

He gripped the basin hard. ‘What does it really matter, anyway?’

‘It matters because despite auditioning for Lovable Fuck-up of the Decade… you’d have been a good Dad.’

He blinked hard and two tears spilled over his lashes. ‘Izzy,’ he whispered. ‘I’m so lost. I don’t know what world this is, who I am anymore.’

Fiercely, I pulled him away from the mirror and into my arms. ‘You’re Jace,’ I told him, holding him tight. ‘You’re my brother and you’re Alec’s Parabatai. That’s who you are.’

‘I fucked up,’ he choked. ‘So bad.’

‘We all have. It’ll be all right, we’ll _make it_ all right.’

‘What do we do about Alec?’ he whispered. ‘She was giving him that drug for four days straight.’

My heart tightened and I swallowed. ‘We take care of him.’ _The way Alec and I take care of you,_ I thought.

He drew back, wiping his nose on his sleeve. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘We wait and see how bad it is. He’ll need you, Jace. More than anything. You know that.’

‘What do I do, Iz?’

I smiled and smoothed his hair back. ‘You love him, that’s what you do.’

He nodded, trying to steel himself. ‘What if it’s not enough?’

‘Jace,’ I said. ‘ _You_ _’re_ enough, OK? I know you don’t believe me, but you are Alec’s whole world. He’s given up so much for you. Now it’s your turn.’

* * *

I watched them often. They were intertwined, beyond their own recognition at times. They would touch each other, thoughtlessly. Constant, small touches. Reassuring in nature; bumping into one another, fingers skimming a hand, playful pulled punches and arms wrapped around shoulders. They sought each other out, even when close. They needed to be closer, to feel each other in whatever way.

I’d noticed it since they were young, way before the Parabatai bond. Alec, who had never been tactile with anyone, touched Jace the way one would comfort a stray animal. Jace, touch starved and fiercely independent, accepted this love and grew into it.

It was easy to see what was going to happen. The problem was obvious, though perhaps not to them. They so idolised each other, neither believed they were good enough. Jace believed himself to be broken, unworthy of Alec’s rare and reserved intimacy. Alec was so in love with Jace he could barely see straight, his hesitation came from a twisted sense of self doubt that he would never burn as bright as Jace. That he would weigh him down, hold him back.

And it was really fucking lonely, too. Always on the outside, looking in at them. I loved them so much, but they were involved in a way I never would be.

My phone buzzed on the nightstand. I gave up on the idea of sleeping and grabbed it. I smiled. A message from Simon.

_You up, Lightwood?_

**No, I** **’m fast asleep, idiot.**

_I knew you were up. How_ _’s Alec?_

**Resting. Healers want him to get a full night before they examine him. Jace won** **’t leave his side.**

_Big shocker there. How are you holding up?_

**I** **’m tired.**

_So, sleep then, silly._

**I can** **’t.**

_Why not?_

**Don** **’t know. Too much adrenaline, maybe?**

_Are you afraid of something bad happening while you sleep?_

**Well, if I wasn** **’t before, I am now.**

_Nah, you_ _’re not afraid._

**Oh really?**

_Do you want me to come over?_

I sighed, hesitating. We’d been circling around this for a while now. Did I want him to come over? Yes. Did I want to sleep with him? Yes. Did I like him? Yes. Was it a bad idea? Probably. Did I want him to bite me again? Definitely.

**I** **’m gonna try and sleep, but thanks.**

_No problem. I_ _’ll be round tomorrow. Sleep well, Princess._

**Fuck you, Lewis.**

_Not tonight, honey. I_ _’ve got a headache._

I smiled, despite myself. I put the phone on charge and lay there, running my fingers over the bite mark. It had been necessary for him to get the base of the scent, but it had felt _fucking amazing_ too. That feeling of being needed. An old addiction rearing its head in a time of dire need.

But Simon was something new. I hadn’t felt this way before.

‘Fuck,’ I breathed and slipped my hand between my legs.

* * *

All of us had faced death at various points in our short lives. The risks were high. We had all come close, but what had happened to Alec felt different. He’d been _taken._ Stolen away and poisoned with whatever this shit was.

The fallout hadn’t even settled on the ground yet.

‘I want to get up,’ Alec said. I rolled my eyes, kicking him gently. I sat on a chair next to his bed, feet up on the mattress. Jace was _on_ the bed, obviously. He sat opposite Alec, their legs brushing.

‘You can’t,’ I said, before Jace cracked like an egg and gave in. ‘Silent Brothers will come soon. You don’t wanna piss them off, do you?’

He frowned and rubbed the bandaged crook of his arm. I’d only seen the track marks briefly, but there were at least a dozen of them. We hadn’t spoken of it at all. Light-hearted banter and snacks, that was about it.

A knock on the door made him flinch, just a fraction. Jade soothed him instantly, by rubbing his leg against his. I didn’t stare, I never did.

‘Hey!’ our Dad called cheerfully, letting himself in. Max was with him. Alec smiled, especially bright for our baby brother. ‘Got a visitor!’

‘Alec!’ Max ran straight for him, leaping up on the bed and throwing his arms around his big brother. ‘I’m so glad you’re OK, I missed you!’

‘Yeah, me too, buddy,’ Alec said, holding him close.

‘Are you hurt bad? Mom and Dad won’t tell me anything except you _need rest_ ,’ he said with an eye-roll that was apparently genetic. ‘What took you? Is it dead? If not, I’ll go with Izzy and Jace and kill it for you!’

Jace laughed and grabbed Max around the middle, hauling him away down to his end of the bed. ‘Sorry, I already chopped it’s head clean off!’

‘Was it a demon?’

Jace shrugged, considering. He’d taken over for Alec and it was seamless.

‘Kind of a Spider-Bat thing, I’d say. Magnus will tell us more later.’

‘Did it hurt you really bad, Alec?’

‘What?’ Jace said, scandalised. ‘Hurt Alexander the Great? Some puny Spider-Bat? Never!’

Max giggled. Our Dad came into the scene like some awkward guest.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked Alec.

‘Yeah, great,’ his son replied, not meeting his questioning gaze.

‘He’s clearly milking it,’ Jace added, plopping Max down on the floor and hopping off the bed himself. ‘Who wouldn’t wanna lounge in bed all day with nothing but snacks and anecdotes of the illustrious victories of Jace Herondale?’

‘I definitely wouldn’t,’ I drawled. ‘Sorry to burst your bubble.’

‘Plebeian,’ he sighed.

Max looked at me earnestly. ‘Are you gay too?’

All three of us burst out laughing. ‘ _Plebeian,_ ’ Jace chuckled, ruffling the kid’s hair. ‘Not lesbian.’

Our Dad cleared his throat, not impressed with the joke. ‘Can I get a moment alone with Alec?’

I glanced at Jace who was, no doubt about it, on the verge of outright saying no. I frowned and indicated towards the door.

‘C’mon little one,’ I said to Max. ‘Let’s go rustle up some more snacks. You can help.’

‘But we have a lot of snacks already,’ Jace said, crossing his arms.

Alec looked at Jace. ‘It’s fine.’

Unwillingly, Jace caved and followed us out of the room.

‘Is Dad gonna tell Alec off?’ Max asked.

‘Not unless he wants his ass kicked,’ I told him happily.

* * *

Despite Max’s question about Dad admonishing Alec seeming ridiculous, it turned out that was pretty much the basis of their little Father-Son chat.

‘He wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything embarrassing,’ Alec explained when we returned, laden with snacks he wouldn’t eat. Max hadn’t returned, he wanted to show his friend Sea-Bass, whoever the fuck that was, his new comic.

‘Fucking asshole,’ Jace muttered, ripping open a bar of chocolate and glaring at it.

I shook my head. ‘What did you tell him?’ 

‘That I’m fine,’ Alec said. Jace and I glanced at each other.

‘Are you?’

He considered the question. ‘I don’t know yet. I can’t feel if it’s still in my system.’

‘The Silent Brothers will know,’ Jace said, but he was taut with concern.

‘Alec,’ I said hesitantly. ‘Do you know what she was shooting you up with?’

He swallowed. ‘I think it was that…the same shit we found on those guys.’

‘Can you tell us about it?’

He closed his eyes. ‘Do I have to?’

‘No,’ Jace said. ‘Of course not.’

‘I just don’t want to…not yet. Not unless it’s bare facts.’

‘Whatever you need,’ Jace said.

‘I’ll tell you what I need,’ Alec said, throwing the covers off. ‘I need to move. I can’t stay here another minute.’

‘Alec,’ I protested, simply so Jace could be the good cop.

‘C’mon, Iz,’ he said, not letting me down. ‘He knows what he needs.’

_Actually, neither of you do._

‘OK, where do you wanna go?’

Alec and Jace looked at one another. I knew instantly where they would go. Their little place on the roof.

I pulled my phone out and scowled at nothing more than the home screen. 

‘Fuck,’ I swore, shaking my head. ‘Clary said there’s some bullshit with the cops about the other humans from the warehouse. Is it OK if I catch up with you later?’

‘Sure,’ Alec said easily, obviously a little relieved.

‘Great,’ I said and hugged him tight. It was difficult, giving them the space they needed and knowing I was not a part of it. I was good at it, though. Been doing it for decades. ‘Call if you need anything.’

I left them alone and felt incredibly sad all of a sudden.

Phone in hand, I called Clary.

_‘Hey_ ,’ she answered after one ring. _‘What’s happening?’_

‘I uh,’ I said, voice catching. ‘Are you free?’

_‘Of course,’_ she said. _‘I’m with Simon, but I can drop his ass and be to you in five.’_

I heard Simon protest in the background and I laughed, despite myself.

‘No, it’s cool. Can I come hang out with you guys for an hour?’

_‘Yeah, that’d be great,’_ she said. _‘We’re having coffee. There’s a poetry slam.’_

‘Of course there is,’ I laughed. ‘I’ll meet you there.’

* * *

Simon was wearing a faded t-shirt and jeans. Clary looked cute in her Mundane get-up; a blue sweater and skinny jeans, her hair piled messily in a bun. They looked adorable, sitting there, sipping coffee from enormous mugs. They chatted animatedly, paying a decent amount of attention to the performer, loudly proclaiming her adoration for Chopin and smashed peas.

I envied them their alternate life. Their escape. Their friendship.

Jace had Alec and that was the totality of their world. Clary and Simon had been friends since, like, birth. They had the Mundane world in common and the Shadow one. What did I have?

_Level the fuck up, Izzy._

‘Hey guys,’ I said, approaching the pair.

Simon’s eyes widened and he stood abruptly, a weird attempt at chivalry. He could be incredibly cool at times and utterly dorky at others. I liked both aspects equally.

‘Hey, Izzy!’ he said, shaking the fingers he’d scaled when he jumped up. ‘We got you a coffee.’

‘A normal one,’ Clary added, rising to hug and kiss me before I sat beside her. ‘Nothing weird in it, like last time.’

I laughed, shrugging off my jacket and stretching a little. A small group of guys at a nearby table eyeballed me in a highly unsubtle way.

‘You’ve got a little fan-club over there, I think,’ Clary said.

Simon frowned in their direction, but didn’t comment. I had zero energy to make a witty remark. I drank my coffee.

‘How’s Alec?’ Simon asked.

I sighed, staring at the beverage. ‘It’s hard to tell.’

‘Jace is with him?’

‘Yeah.’

‘That’s good.’

‘Yeah, it is. It’s what needs.’

Clary reached over and clasped my hand. ‘He needs you too, Iz.’

‘Not like he needs Jace,’ I said.

Simon shook his head. ‘I should hope not. That would be illegal and gross.’

‘Simon!’ Clary warned as her best friend rolled his eyes.

‘Puh-leeeease!’ he said, loud enough that a few people behind us shushed him. ‘Are we _still_ all in denial?’

‘It’s none of our business,’ Clary said firmly.

‘I just feel that this is only the start of something bad,’ I told them quietly. ‘Like getting him back wasn’t the end of it.’

I thought of Jace’s sacrifice. The sacrifice I wasn’t even given a chance to contemplate. Jace and Alec. Alec and Jace. No room for Izzy.

Fuck, now _I_ was being maudlin.

Simon cleared his throat. ‘Was it definitely drugs?’

‘Some sort of drug, we don’t know what kind, yet.’

‘Magical, you think?’

‘For a demon to be dicking around with it, I have to assume so.’

‘Shit,’ Simon sighed, shaking his head. ‘Poor Alec.’

‘Do the Clave know about,’ Clary lowered her voice. ‘What Jace did?’

‘No one does,’ I told her. ‘Magnus is going to help cover it up. If anyone finds out, Jace is screwed.’

‘Did he tell you what it was?’

‘What?’

‘The price?’

‘Oh. No, I fucking begged him, but he wouldn’t budge. He’s not going to, either. I know him well enough to see when he’s battened down the hatches.’

Clary nodded, but Simon’s eyes narrowed a touch. He didn’t quite believe me. He could tell when I was lying, or at least sense it.

‘Whatever it was, I’ll bet it’s not good.’

‘There’s plenty of _not good_ going around.’

I realised I’d kind of ruined their night. They were having fun before I got there. Now everything was gloomy and quiet.

‘You know what, maybe I should get back,’ I said.

‘Hey, you can’t leave now,’ Simon said. ‘You’ll miss my slam!’

‘Sorry?’

Puffing out his chest, he said, ‘Do you really want to tell your grandkids that you missed the first ever performance of Simon Lewis as he makes his grand poetry slam debut?’

I cracked an unwilling smile.

‘Are you serious?’ Clary asked, not quite buying it.

He shrugged and finished his coffee, eyes sparkling. ‘Watch me.’

He went up next. No nerves, no insecurity. He stood on the stage, held the mic and cleared his throat.

‘Hi everyone, thank you for coming out tonight to see me.’ A few people laughed. Clary shook her head, grinning. ‘I’d like to recite for you this slam poem which I have just been struck by, this very moment titled… _It_ _’s Rude to Stare.’_

He closed his eyes, holding out a finger, instructing us to wait.

‘It’s really rude to stare,’ he said at last, looking directly at the table of guys. ‘Staring at a girl like she’s a piece of meat is rude and makes us all look bad. Just because she’s wearing leather doesn’t mean she’s yours…that’s BAD!’

Everyone laughed, much louder this time except for the table of men who looked pretty pissed off, a few of them colouring.

‘Men! Staring! This is why girls run away! Try! CARING! One day a girl might stay!’

It was so cringe-worthy I almost wanted to cover my eyes, but I was laughing too much. Every time he spoke, he made some grand, overblown hand gesture with a pained, far off expression.

‘A final word of advice, then I’ll let it pass. When a girl is wearing leather, it means she’ll kick your ass!’

The whole place erupted into uproarious laughter and applause. Simon took several bows, handing the mic back to the proprietor.

I definitely should have been embarrassed, angry even, but I was still laughing. I felt lighter than I had in days. Happy. As he weaved his way back to his seat, he dropped a kiss onto my cheek and winked at Clary.

* * *

I didn’t spend the whole night with them like I wanted to. A couple of hours was enough to recharge and find my centre, though it was especially difficult to part from Simon.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I said, looking down at my hand in his. It slid up my wrist and he ran his thumb over the almost healed bite mark. He swallowed hard, a small frown creasing his forehead.

‘This is tough, huh?’ he said, after a minute of clearly searching for what to say. He was nervous again, stripped of his earlier confidence.

‘Yeah,’ I said, my pulse racing. He must have felt it, heard it. Tasted the heat of my blood in the air. ‘It really is.’

He took a deep, steadying breath and let go.

‘Good night, Izzy,’ he said, moving back.

Part of me was almost disappointed at his restraint. I wanted to him to hug me, to get so close he wouldn’t be able to control himself. I badly wanted to lose myself in him, get caught up in passion and sex and something else I wouldn’t dare name yet.

But he would regret that and for the first time, I _cared_ that rushing it might actually ruin it.

‘Good night,’ I said. Clary was texting nearby in the street.

‘Hey, Simon, is it cool if we go see Luke?’

‘Sure thing, Frey,’ he said and I broke eye contact with him because it was painful to watch him leave. When the hell had that become a thing?

Clary and I had already said goodbye, she gave really good hugs. The two of them went off together, huddled close against the cold night air. I watched them until they were out of sight.

Where to now? Back to the Institute to sit around and watch Mom and Dad fantasises about murdering one another? Become the third wheel with Alec and Jace? Wander the streets looking for something to pummel the shit out of?

The third option seemed to be the clear-cut winner, when my phone went off. The number was unknown, but I answered it anyway.

‘Hello?’

_‘Hi, I’m so sorry - is this Isabelle?’_

‘Yeah, who’s this?’

_‘This is Sebastian. Verlac? We met the other day? I came with the additional—’_

‘No, yeah I remember. Sorry.’

He laughed softly. _‘That’s quite all right. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through the last few days, etiquette can certainly take a backseat for all I care.’_

I smiled, even though he wasn’t there to see it. ‘So, what’s up?’

_‘I uh, I’m sorry for calling you so out of the blue. I just wondered if you were around? I’m hanging out with Max and he’s a little bit down, to be honest.’_

‘Oh,’ I said, guilt lancing me right in the chest. I hadn’t even thought of Max. ‘Yeah, of course! I’m coming back right now.’

_‘Actually_ ,’ he said haltingly. _‘I was thinking maybe it would be good for him to get some fresh air?’_

* * *

It was fair testament to how messed up everyone was that Mom put up absolutely no fight when I said Sebastian and I were taking Max out for cheeseburgers at 9:55pm. On the way out, I heard Dad ask where we were going and when Mom told him, he said, ‘Good, good.’

Max was way too excited, evidence of his recent neglect and I wanted to slap myself.

‘You know,’ Sebastian said conversationally as we sat down to eat in a diner. ‘I haven’t ever had a cheeseburger.’

Max laughed, flicking through the menu. ‘You don’t have to have a cheeseburger and _how_ have you never had one? They’re amazing!’

He looked at me and I shrugged, grinning. ‘They are. Can’t deny it.’

‘Well, I’ll give it a shot for you, Max,’ he said kindly. 

I definitely didn’t want to eat which was a good sign that I _should_.

‘You getting a milkshake?’ I asked Max who nodded excitedly.

Sebastian leaned over to his side. ‘A huge one?’

‘Yes, please! Are you two gonna have one to share?’

When Sebastian caught my eyes, I got the distinct feeling that this could easily have been a date. Cute kid between us, generic background, kind gestures. He was beautiful, dauntingly so, actually. He reminded me of Jace, if Jace hadn’t been bitch-slapped by life quite so hard.

It wasn’t a date, though. He was just being kind and there for me and Max and I knew when he looked at me.

I relaxed. ‘Why not?’

* * *

Max slept soundly that night and I stayed with him for a while even after he’d drifted off, clutching the comic he’d read to me. I sat and watched him, thinking about his bravery and innocence. How abruptly both would be tested in the Shadow world. I thought of Alec, so brave and strong and still, taken from the streets like a child. I couldn’t protect them, the ones I loved. They would be hurt and taken.

I drew the covers up and carefully places his beloved comic on the nightstand. He sighed and burrowed deeper into the pillow.

‘Good night baby,’ I whispered.

It was past midnight. The living quarters of the Institute were quiet, but recent events were crawling under my skin and sleep seemed impossible.

I thought of Alec and how I wanted to go to him, but it was better to leave him with Jace. That was what he needed, deep down. He would heal faster in the presence of his Parabatai, mentally and physically.

Emotionally was a whole other thing, though.

I went to HQ in the end, wandering around like an enormous loser only held appeal for so long. Before I could even step foot into the glassy area, Henson saw me and made a beeline for me.

‘Silent Brothers are here,’ he said without preamble. ‘Get Alec, would you?’

‘You want him here?’

He rolled his eyes impatiently. ‘They went straight to his room, he’s not there. Find him and get him back there, please,’ he added, perhaps seeing my less than impressed expression.

‘You got it,’ I said with mock enthusiasm and a highly derivative salute. 

On the way there I sent Alec a message, but it went unread. I really, _really_ didn’t want to interrupt them if they were into heavy emotional dealings.

_Or worse._

The rooftop was their thing, it had been ever since Jace first came to us. I approached quietly, listening for a moment to make my presence known.

At first, I heard nothing and I thought maybe they weren’t there. I peered around the slanted roof and saw them sitting side by side, Jace’s arm wrapped around Alec, legs dangling over the edge.

My heart broke for them, it really did.

‘Guys,’ I called softly. ‘The Silent Brothers are here.’

* * *

‘Tell me, then,’ Dad insisted, an intense frowny scowl in place, wrinkling his tan. He had not been in the room for the examination.

Mom sighed. ‘The base of the… _compound_ is Yin Fen, roughly a quarter of it. The bulk is a mish-mash of human drugs; opiates, stimulants. A small percentage is thus far unidentified. They know it’s magical, they just don’t know what it actually is.’

‘Will there be long term effects?’

‘Minimal, if any but they warned that the substance would be highly addictive.’

‘My son is not an _addict_.’

I sneered, staring hard at the table. ‘Let’s shoot you up with it then, see how you fare!’

‘Watch your tone!’

‘The point,’ Mom pushed on, shooting me a warning look. ‘Is that he’ll need to be watched.’

Dad looked incredulous. ‘How long for?’

‘A while, at least.’

‘Well, it’s not feasible. He’s going to take over this Institute, Maryse. He can’t have something like this hanging over his head! No, it’s ridiculous.’

Jace had been silent up until now, staring down much like I was.

‘I’ll watch him,’ he said. ‘I’ll do it discreetly.’

‘There,’ Dad said slapping the table triumphantly. ‘Finally, a member of this family who understands! Very good, Jace. Who better than his Parabatai? _Needs to be watched!_ Your doubt in our eldest boy is destroying him, you know that, Maryse?’

Alec was still in his room, mercifully away from this discussion. I knew Jace wanted to go to him. He would sleep in the room with him, like they often did.

‘How dare you presume to know how I feel about my son? You swan in here with your shirt buttons undone and your little _upgrade_ in tow and think you’ll take my children away from me?’

‘They’re _our_ children and Karine is a part of this family, whatever you may think of her! We’re getting married next year!’

‘Well, fuck,’ I breathed, quite unnoticed by our warring parents. I shot Jace and look and quietly, we slipped out together, leaving them to it.

‘That went great,’ he said, dryly. ‘Angel, can’t they put Alec first, just once?’

‘Life time of practise, I guess. How is he, really?’

‘It’s bad, I think,’ he told me in a low tone. ‘But I meant what I said. I’ll stay with him, make sure he’s OK.’

‘I know you will.’

‘He’s been through so much.’

‘You have too.’

‘I don’t care about me. I just care that he’s _home_ again.’

He absent-mindedly reached up and placed his hand over his heart for a moment. It was a strange gesture, but he didn’t seem to even realise he’d done it.

‘We’ll keep him safe,’ I promised him.

‘Yeah,’ he said and wrapped an arm around me. It was a hollow promise, but the intent was real.

Outside Alec’s room we said goodnight. I could have gone in with him, but I was genuinely too tired. They needed rest, too.

Head heavy, I opened the door to my own room and paused, sensing a presence.

‘Simon?’ I squinted through the gloom. He was on my bed.

‘Hey,’ he greeted in a whisper. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be waiting here for you like some…gross, stalkery…’

I smiled tiredly. ‘Vampire?’

‘Well, yeah. But I just…I couldn’t leave you alone tonight, Izzy. I wanted to be here with you and I thought that you might want me here too.’

I was suddenly so relieved he was there with me, I could have cried. ‘I do, I do want you here. Thank you.’

He pulled back the blankets for me and waited while I changed right in front of him, uncaring and beyond exhausted, into an over-sized, old t-shirt and not much else. I crawled into bed, leaning into his side.

He was fully clothed, coat hanging nearby and shoes on the floor. He wrapped his arm around me and I sank low.

‘I’m right here,’ he said as my eyes drifted shut. ‘I’ve got this watch.’

* * *

_A/N Yes, this was an Izzy chapter and I'm not even sorry. I feel like she's always shoved on the side-lines a bit too often so this was my way of apologising to her. Next chapter will be Alec and Jace centric again, so don't worry, those beautiful tortured boys will be back soon._

_Thank you all so so so much for the amazing comments, feedback and support. It's blown me away and always inspires me to write faster (hint!) You're all wonderful, I love you, thank you!_


	8. Chapter Eight: So I'm Not Sick Enough, Is That Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec deals with the fallout and tries to control what's happening to him.

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

**\- So I’m Not Sick Enough, Is That Right? -**

_‘I paint my nails black,_

_I dye my hair a darker shade of brown,_

_‘Cos you like your women Spanish;_

_Dark, strong and proud._

_I paint the sky black,_

_You said if you could have your way,_

_You_ _’d make it night time all today,_

_So it suit the mood of your soul._

_Oh, what can I do?_

_Nothing, my sparrow blue._

_Oh, what can I do?_

_Life is beautiful but you don_ _’t have a clue._

_Sun and ocean blue,_

_Their magnificence, it don_ _’t make sense to you._

_Black beauty._ _’_

-Lana Del Rey

\- **Alec** -

Sleep was the absolute last thing I wanted, but it was what everyone thought was best. The bed was itchy and hot, covers were cloying and damp with my sweat. It creaked and moaned. I despised it. Even with Jace curled around me, I hated it.

I knew what was happening. The Silent Brothers had told me.

_Your body will crave this substance. It will twist and seek it out, hurt you when you do not provide it._

Yeah, I fucking knew what was happening.

My stomach hurt so bad, it was making me tremble. Heart pounded irregularly, ribs felt too tight and my head thundered like I was hungover.

‘Fuck,’ I breathed, turning my face into the pillow.

Jace woke, his sleepy breathing pattern broken.

‘You OK?’ he asked, turning his face to mine.

‘Yeah fine,’ I said, moving away. ‘I’m sorry, you’re covered in my sweat.’

He sat up, blinking the sleep away. ‘Oh, hey, doesn’t matter. Are you feeling all right?’

‘No,’ I said honestly, because there was no point in denying it.

‘Oh, fuck,’ he said quietly. ‘What can I do?’

I closed my eyes. I knew very well what I _wanted_ him to do. Go get me that bag he found on those junkies in the park and give it to me.

‘Get me some water, please?’

‘Sure,’ he jumped up almost comically fast, dashing off to my en suite.

‘Actually, don’t worry,’ I said, throwing off the sheets. ‘I’m just gonna get up and have a shower.’

‘You sure?’ he asked and I heard the distinct sounds of him taking a leak. ‘It’s only like 3:30 in the morning. Did you sleep?’

‘Some,’ I lied. ‘I just want to keep busy, you know?’

‘I get it,’ he said, turning on the shower for me. I went in the bathroom and saw him sitting perched on the closed lid of the toilet, brushing his teeth. ‘I’d wanna be busy too.’

‘You gonna sit there while I shower?’

He shrugged. ‘Any reason I can’t?’

I stripped down, noticing in my peripheral vision that he politely looked away when I peeled off my bottoms. I stepped into the shower. The water was hot and it felt good, soothing my aching muscles.

‘Feel better?’

‘Yeah, a lot actually. I could stay in here all day.’

‘We can, if you want.’

I laughed, squeezing shampoo into my hand. ‘I think I might prune.’

‘We can alternate, y’know, if we don’t both fit.’

God fucking damn it, withdrawal from drugs and being kidnapped for four days apparently did _fuck all_ to stop my mind going straight to a bad place when Jace said we could spend all day in the shower.

I viciously scrubbed the shampoo through my hair, clawing at my scalp harder than necessary. It didn’t help. He was right there, on the other side of frosted glass and even _with_ frosted glass he was very clearly going to see how turned on I was.

I carefully lowered the temperature of the water to cool.

‘How are the other people doing?’ I asked, the cold water helping my _situation,_ but immediately wiping the relief gained from the heat.

‘I don’t know,’ he answered. ‘Luke is handling it. You want me to find out?’

‘No, we’ll hear about it sooner or later. Pass me a towel?’

He flung it over the top of the shower doors. I wrapped it around myself and stepped out.

‘You look better,’ he commented.

‘I look like shit,’ I said, watching myself in the mirror. Without the bandages, the track marks were clear as day. Vile, purple marks littered around the crooks of both arms. New cuts that were healed, leaving only small scars. Broken ribs left dark clouds of bruises that would take longer to vanish. The _substance_ was still in my system and it was apparently messing with my rune’s ability to heal.

‘You _look_ ,’ he said, wrapping his arms around my middle, looking at our reflection. ‘Beautiful. Get dressed, I’ll be out in a minute.’

He stripped off, stepping in the shower without hesitating. I watched him in the reflection, unable to make myself turn away the way he had. His bruises and cuts had all healed. He was the beautiful one, as always. Naked, he took my breath away. _Fuck_.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

Breakfast was a nightmare. Worse than them arguing, Mom and Dad were making some monstrous effort with each other to be civil _for my sake._

‘Pass the syrup, please, Karine?’ Mom asked clipped and polite, with a smile that could have frozen water.

Karine, to her credit, didn’t detect the tone or didn’t care. ‘Bien sur,’ she said, obliging, licking the same syrup off her thumb. ‘Alec, you are seeming,’ she paused, conferring with my Dad in French, grasping for the word of her choice. ‘Pale? Pale. You are pale, Alec. Will you not come out into the sun with me today? We can go kill things.’

Jace and Izzy bit down smiles, Max shook his head also grinning. Dad didn’t seem too impressed, so I raced to the rescue.

‘Killing things sounds great, thanks. Are there things to kill…during the day?’

‘In France, there are many, yes. Not in New York?’

‘Not so many,’ Izzy said, sipping her coffee. She hadn’t eaten anything again. I frowned, but wasn’t stupid enough to point it out in front of Mom or Dad.

‘The demons in Paris are uh, how you say…c’est quoi? Ah, _bold!_ Yes, they have large balls.’

Max snorted into his juice.

‘Perhaps another day,’ Mom said blandly. ‘There’s an official assignment from the Clave.’

We all looked up at that. ‘Oh?’

‘We can discuss it after breakfast.’

Dad cleared his throat. ‘Actually, there’s also something _I_ _’d_ like to discuss with you after breakfast, too, if that’s OK, son?’

 _Son_? What the fuck now?

‘Yeah sure,’ I sighed, pushing away the mush cereal and cold toast. ‘Get in line, huh?’

Dad walked with me to HQ, Mom went ahead and Karine hung back with the others. My hands were shaking a little, so I curled them tight into fists and waited for whatever he was about to lay on me.

‘Listen, what I said yesterday…that was out of line.’

I glanced sideways. ‘What?’

‘I shouldn’t have said what I did. It was cowardly and undeserved. I have _no_ doubts in you whatsoever, Alec.’

‘Right.’

‘Also, I wanted to give you your birthday present. We didn’t get to do anything and, well - here you go.’

We stopped in the hallway. He handed me a set of keys.

‘I don’t drive, Dad.’

‘No, I know. It’s not a car.’

I shot him a look. ‘OK? So, what is it? A house?’ I joked.

‘No,’ he said, looking reasonably pleased with himself. ‘It’s an apartment.’

‘… _what_?’

‘It’s _your_ apartment. Bought and paid for, your name on the lease.’

‘Dad…what the fuck?’

He winced at my language, but didn’t rebuke me.

‘Look, it’s for all of you, really. I know you’re not going to come and stay with Karine and me in France and I know I’m not exactly an ideal Father to you all. _But_ I also know how these walls can weigh you down. We’ve always lived here and if you take over, this will become your home all over again if you want, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a place of your own.’

My throat was tight. ‘This is too much, I can’t.’

‘Like I said, it’s for you all. Izzy, Jace, even Max. You can all use it. Live there, stay there…whatever you want.’

I looked down at the keys. There were three sets of two, each with different coloured caps.

‘Dad, how can you afford this?’

He shrugged. ‘Divorce is finalised, assets are all divided. Karine, you know her whole family own, like, at least four castles in France. They’re pretty much royalty. I don’t need the money.’

‘I still can’t—’

‘Alec,’ he said, cutting off my protest. ‘It’s nothing compared to what you kids deserve and what you actually got. I’m an asshole sometimes. This is my way of trying to be nice. Just take it, OK?’

He pushed my fingers closed, curled around the keys.

I nodded and he smiled, slapping my back.

‘Good. The paperwork is inside the apartment. I’d install a security system, it’s a decent place but the area is a little rough.’ He laughed. ‘Get Magnus to magic up some furniture too, eh?’

‘We uh,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘We broke up.’

‘Oh,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, that’s…am I meant to be angry at him?’

‘No, Dad. It wasn’t anything he did.’

He rubbed his neck, clearly not sure what to say. ‘Well, I’m still sorry. He seemed to genuinely care for you.’

‘Yeah, look, I gotta go find Clary, OK? But uh, thanks. This is really nice.’

Saying that buying us an apartment was nice had to be an understatement, but he took it with a bracing grin and another manly back-slap.

‘My pleasure.’

* * *

‘The assignment is,’ Mom hesitated, her lips tightening. ‘To investigate further into the _substance_ involved in Alec’s abduction.’

It was a mark of our training and how seriously missions were taken that Izzy and Jace didn’t object _loudly_. I felt Jace’s anger spike, felt him control it and try to calm down.

‘I know this is an especially tough assignment, but it’s direct from the Clave so that’s all we need to know.’

‘Do _they_ know anything?’ Dad asked.

Mom shrugged. ‘They know the drug is called DOM, a shoddy acronym for Dark Side of the Moon. That’s about it.’

Izzy frowned. ‘Is it limited to New York?’

‘So, far yes.’

‘That’s good,’ the new addition, Sebastian said with a decisive nod. ‘I’d like to help, if you’ll have me. I have some experience with tracing Yin Fen shipments and might know a few contacts who could help point us in the right direction.’

Izzy gave him a friendly smile. Clary seemed a little bemused, watching him with something almost resembling recognition.

‘That would be great,’ I said, scratching my forearm subtly. ‘Any help is welcome at this point.’

‘Good,’ he said. ‘There’s a place downtown that would be a decent starting point, unless you want to head to the factory?’

Everyone looked at me. ‘No,’ I said, looking down. ‘I don’t think I could provide objective investigative skills in this instance.’

‘We should split up,’ Jace said, leaning against the desk. ‘Clary, Simon and Izzy do a pass of the scene at the factory, Alec, Sebastian and I will head downtown.’

‘Sounds good,’ I said, relieved and grateful for his backup. ‘Karine? Would you be OK to help us with something?’

Karine straightened, eyes wide and interested. ‘Bien sur, cherie.’

‘There’s a couple of bars with known addicts and users of things like Yin Fen. It would be helpful if you could go there and ask a few questions, as though you’re interested in trying it.’

She nodded fiercely. ‘I will infiltrate and destroy them.’

‘Well,’ Mom said hurriedly. ‘Not so much destroy them as infiltrate.’

Karine shrugged. ‘As you wish, but I am very great at destroying.’

‘No one doubts that,’ Izzy said with a wink and smile. ‘Simon is speaking to Raphael and a few others, asking about it. So far hardly anyone knows about it though.’

‘It’s new,’ Sebastian said grimly. ‘But it’ll take hold soon enough.’

‘Why is it making the rounds with humans if it’s a supernatural drug?’ Clary asked.

‘A drug is a drug,’ Jace said.

‘The Silent Brothers said the drug seemed to have been engineered to be addictive, especially so,’ Dad said. ‘Spreading it through the human ranks first is smart.’

‘OK,’ I said, crossing my arms. ‘I think we’re all set.’ My stomach was coiling and tightening like a nest of snakes. I needed to throw up.

‘Yup,’ Jace agreed. ‘Let’s check in after two hours.’

Hand on my back, he escorted me out of the room and into the nearest bathroom. He’d barely locked the door before I had my head in the toilet bowl, body contracting and seizing, stomach acid burning my throat as it exited my body.

‘It’s OK,’ he said, crouching beside me, his cool hand stroking my hair. ‘Get it all out.’

I gasped, fighting for breath as it slowed and finally stopped. He handed me a warm, damp towel and a glass of water. I gurgled and spat it out, staring down at the yellow, foul liquid I’d brought up.

‘I feel like I’m dying,’ I whispered. He stroked my neck now, side by side with me.

‘I know,’ he said. ‘But you’re not. It’s your body, tricking you. I’m right here and we’ll fight it, together.’

For a moment, we just sat there together on the marble floor. His fingers stroked my neck absently. I closed my eyes and tried to find my centre again.

‘Jace,’ I said.

‘Hmm?’

‘How did you find me?’

He didn’t hesitate to answer. ‘I’d find you anywhere, Parabatai.’

* * *

Sebastian did not mention anything about us vanishing into a bathroom and emerging half an hour later.

‘Ready?’ he asked, like we’d been waiting for him.

‘Yeah,’ Jace said. ‘Ready to kick some fucking ass, that’s for sure.’

He smiled at that. ‘Always good to meet someone who lives up to his reputation.’

Jace didn’t ask if he had a reputation or what it was. Sebastian didn’t press it. I was impressed with them both.

We took the subway, runes making us invisible to Mundanes. Jace took none of his usual gleeful pleasure in bumping into them. The journey was mostly quiet, save to occasionally confer about direction.

Sebastian led us to an extremely seedy bar which seemed, from the outside, to be a Chinese Herbalist Store. It was some kind of a speakeasy for magical drugs. The walls were dark green, the lights were dim and the smell was enough for me to want to throw up again, but I held it together.

‘Henry,’ Sebastian greeted a short, fat little man who eyes Jace and I suspiciously. ‘They’re with me.’

‘If you say so,’ he said, but still seemed reluctant. He and Sebastian had a quiet conversation, while Jace and I looked around.

‘So gross,’ Jace said under his breath.

Instead of tables, there were pod-like beds, each with little curtains creating the illusion of privacy. I could see quite clearly the people inside them, eyes rolled back as their bodies undulated and rolled with pleasure.

The smell was unbearable.

‘Let’s go,’ Sebastian said, not a moment too soon.

I took a deep breath, steading myself against the filthy glass.

‘It’s not even midday,’ Jace said with disgust. ‘Does no one have day jobs?’

‘Apparently not,’ Sebastian chuckled. ‘Henry has heard of the DOM, he doesn’t deal it because no one knows the source. He’s had a few customers say they were offered it by a friend.’

‘Any names?’

‘No.’

‘You trust him?’

‘He’s survival orientated. In this field, it’s as good as you get.’

‘Jace,’ I said slowly. ‘Your friend Adam.’

Jace blinked. ‘Huh?’

Impatient, I rolled my eyes. ‘Fuck-face Adam? From Sang’s?’

‘Oh, yeah. What about him?’

‘He offered me some drug, last time I saw him. Said it was new.’

‘Worth a shot,’ Jace said, pulling out his phone. ‘Though he is a total fuck face.’

* * *

‘I knew you’d come around, Herondale. This shit is the _best_ thing you’ve ever tried, _believe me!_ ’

Jace, with admirable restraint, did not murder Adam.

‘Where’d you get it from?’

Sebastian was waiting outside the Mundane bar. Adam was nursing a lukewarm beer at 1pm, occasionally eating bar snacks.

He shrugged. ‘You gonna pay to know?’

‘I’ll _not_ put my first through your face, how’s that?’

Adam took a messy slurp and sneered. ‘Fuck you, coming around here bein’ all high and mighty! Where were you last month? On your knees in the bathroom same as I was!’

‘Watch your mouth,’ I said through gritted teeth.

‘Fifty bucks,’ Adam said.

‘We want the dealer, not whatever bullshit you’re about to make up for money,’ Jace warned. ‘If it’s accurate, it’s worth a hundred.’

Adam sulked. ‘I got it from a friend.’

‘Whose name is…?’

‘Can’t remember, but he hangs around outside the store with the really shitty 90’s porn.’

‘Hangs around?’

‘Yeah, mostly at night.’

‘He’s a trick?’

‘God, obviously. He gave me few samples, said I’d get a discount on more if I sold it around.’

‘What’s he look like?’

‘Brunette, curly hair, always carrying a red backpack. He’s got a knife so watch out when you approach him.’ Adam laughed at the idea of one of us getting stabbed.

* * *

‘Well, that was a waste of time,’ Jace said as we headed home empty handed. ‘Fucking bullshit lying liar Adam.’

‘Maybe he’s just sleeping?’ Sebastian suggested. ‘A lot of…’

‘Whores?’ Jace suggested, offhand.

‘Well, yes, they sleep during the day, no?’

‘We can try later,’ I said, but it was a hollow suggestion. I wasn’t really invested in what was happening at this point. My body was warring with me, hurting me and demanding that I cave spectacularly and give in.

Give in, find that drug and get it in my body somehow.

Fucking pathetic.

Jace shot me subtly concerned a look. ‘You wanna get something to eat?’

‘No,’ I said, stomach rolling.

‘Me neither, let’s go have a drink.’

I stopped dead in the street. ‘Are you serious? It’s early afternoon.’

He totally ignored me. ‘Sebastian, you wanna come?’

Our companion didn’t look especially thrilled at the idea of day drinking while on duty.

‘If it’s all the same to you, I’ll pass. I have a few errands to run of my own.’

‘People are always running errands,’ Jace sighed. ‘It’s so fucking twee.’

‘Thanks for your help, man,’ I said, offering him a tight smile.

‘We’ll find the source,’ he said, aiming for kind reassurance. ‘I know a couple of other—’

Jace linked his arm through mine and pulled us away. ‘Catch you later!’

‘That was rude,’ I said, but allowed myself to be dragged. ‘And I’m not day drinking like that loser Adam.’

‘It’ll help, trust me.’

He steered us into a cab he’d hailed.

I shifted in the seats as he told the driver to head to a bar I’d never heard of. ‘How will it help?’

‘If you’re drunk, everything is numb. If you’re numb, you can’t feel that shit in your system as it burns out.’

‘Jace, I feel like I’m dying, the last thing I wanna do it drink.’

‘Yeah, well - needs must, baby.’

* * *

We were the only two people in the bar - an oddly classy place - and the bar tender didn’t seem to mind us sitting there, steadily drinking. He knew Jace, apparently.

‘Fuckin’ hate when you’re right,’ I said, drawing a wet line on the bar with a straw.

‘It’s rare,’ Jace admitted. ‘So, I’ll enjoy the moment.’

‘So, now that we’re on the verge of unconsciousness,’ I slurred, trying to sit upright. ‘You gonna tell me what’s been happening with you lately?’

‘With what? You gotta speci-specifuh…you gotta be clear.’

‘What happened with Alyssa?’

‘Urgh,’ Jace dropped his head on the bar. ‘She was great and I fucked it up. Next.’

‘What was with the guy? Declan?’

‘C’mon, man.’

‘What? ‘M not allowed to ask?’

‘I met him at Sang’s. He was hot.’

‘Did you fuck him?’

He turned to smile at me. ‘Do you know how weird it is to hear you say that? You _never_ talk like that.’

‘Did you?’

‘We had sex, yeah.’

‘Did you bottom?’

He wrinkled his nose. ‘Whassat?’

I laughed, sitting up enough to drink some more. ‘Were you, like…the girl?’

‘I don’t think you’re supposed to say it like that. You’re bad at being gay. And yeah, the two times I’ve done it, I was always the girl. I bottomed, if that’s the way you say it. Two more, Paul!’

Paul didn’t comment or complain that we were clearly over-served. He poured the drinks and gracefully returned to his maintenance of the bar.

Jace took a deep breath. ‘Do _you_ bottom?’

I spluttered into my drink and laughed. ‘I’ve never had sex, Jace. How would I know.’

‘Oh yeah,’ my Parabatai said, looking down. ‘Why’d you break up with Magnus?’

Even drenched in alcohol as it was, my brain snapped to attention as we veered into S _tuff We Mustn_ _’t Discuss_ territory.

‘He told you?’

‘Yeah he did and how could you not tell me?’

I huffed. ‘There’s plenty you don’t tell _me_ , Jace.’

‘Oh yeah? Like what?’

‘How could you not tell me you were seeing a guy?’

‘OK, first off - it was casual sex and he was only here for four days, so I wasn’t _seeing_ anyone. And B, I was _going_ to tell you, but that’s when shit was all weird between us.’

I tried to maintain his gaze. ‘Are you bi?’

He scoffed, but then frowned as he considered my question. ‘Huh, I guess I might be. And anyway, you’re leading us off topic which was me asking how you could break up with Magnus and not tell me?’

‘I thought you’d assume it was your fault.’

‘It was my fault.’

‘No, see - I’m capable of making mistakes too. Not everything is some monstrous Jace-a-culpa.’

‘So, you dumped him ‘cause you were bored, then?’

I swallowed hard. ‘No.’

‘So why then?’

‘Jace, it’s not—’

‘Then it was my fault, wasn’t it?’

I waited a beat. ‘It was not your fault. There was more than one reason.’

‘Name one.’

‘I don’t think I loved him.’

‘You should have given it more time. Love doesn’t just happen overnight!’

I looked at him, watching him openly as he tipped his glass all the way back and finished yet another vodka and lime. Fucking hell did he have to be so painfully beautiful?

‘Sometimes it does.’

He wiped his mouth. ‘Well, whatever happened, I’m here for you. If you wanna talk about it, don’t wander the fuck off again. M right here.’

‘I know you are.’

His expression darkened. ‘You can’t do that to me again, Alec.’

‘I didn’t _do_ it to you, Jace. I was fucking airlifted away.’

‘You can’t leave me like that. I nearly…I would have died.’

I looked at him sharply. ‘Meaning what?’

Staring at the bar, he said, ‘Where you go, I go. You go somewhere I can’t follow, I’ll kick the fucking door down.’

‘Don’t say things like that.’

‘Well don’t leave me again and I won’t have to.’

A beat of silence lapsed before I spoke.

‘How did you find me, Jace?’

‘I told you.’

‘No, you didn’t.’

‘I felt you. I followed the bond.’ He looked me right in the eye. ‘I would find you anywhere. Follow you anywhere. Do anything for you. Don’t you know that?’

‘OK,’ I said, pulling out a few bills and placing them on the bar. ‘Follow me now, then.’

* * *

‘It’s fucking _huge!_ _’_

Jace’s voice echoed in the mostly empty apartment. It had been freshly painted recently, the smell hung in the air. The keys were warm in my hand.

It was light and airy, double windows in the main living room. The kitchen was small and fairly cosy, fitted with modern appliances and there were three decent sized bedrooms, one of which had a lovely en-suite with a tub.

Jace ran from room to room, squealing excitedly. His childlike exuberance soothed me intensely.

‘Wow, this is one of the best guilt gifts I’ve ever seen!’

‘Twenty-one years’ worth,’ I said, laying the keys on the countertop and turning the taps on and off. ‘I guess we need some furniture.’

‘Can I choose it?’ Jace panted, hopping up onto the countertop in front of me, his leg knocking absently against my thigh. ‘Can I choose the sofa, at least?’

I smiled. ‘You can choose it all.’

‘Yesss!’

It felt like my gift to him, almost. Part of me wondered if this was my father’s intention.

‘This is amazing,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘A little _freedom_!’

‘It is, actually,’ I agreed, starting to become very aware that we were a little too close. I was standing between his legs as he looked down at me with his beautiful mismatched eyes. I moved back a little, but he used his feet to pull me back in.

‘You know what we need?’

‘What?’

He bit his bottom lip. ‘A party.’

‘What? No, Jace.’

‘A housewarming party.’

‘No _way_.’

‘A little one?’

‘Jace.’

‘Ten people?’

‘Come on.’

‘Five?’

‘Five is hardly a party.’

‘Clary, Simon, Maia plus me and you and Izzy is six.’

‘Maia is hardly going to drop college—’

‘OK, just everyone else then. Five is a party if _I_ _’m_ throwing it.’

The alcohol was wearing off. I felt too weak to argue. ‘Whatever you want.’

‘You’re the best.’

I solidly moved away this time. ‘We should get back before it gets dark.’

‘Sure,’ he said easily, now that his demands had been met. ‘You wanna hail a cab?’

‘Sounds good.’

* * *

Izzy was just as excited about the apartment as Jace and now I was positive my Dad had given me the keys knowing how good I would feel telling them about it. Fucking sneaky bastard.

‘Oh my God, can I use it this weekend?’ she asked as we sat on breakfast stools in the kitchen back in the Institute.

‘There aren’t any beds yet,’ Jace laughed. He seemed a little curious too. He’d doubtlessly noticed, as had I, her recent growing connection with Simon.

‘Not for that,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘Gutter brain. It’d be nice to hang out with Clary somewhere less gloomy and intense every now and then.’

‘It’s your place too,’ I said, separating the keys. ‘Look, here’s your set and yours too Jace.’

 _‘Our_ place,’ Izzy said with a pleased smile, accepting the keys. ‘Give Dad his due, this is a rare home run. Our own place.’

‘No _rules_!’ said an ecstatic Jace.

‘Some rules,’ I rebuked gently, but it was mostly teasing.

Izzy and Jace began discussing plans for whatever party Jace was determined to throw and I watched them for a few minutes, feeling strange.

The drunk feeling had mostly worn off a while ago, leaving me weak and gutted. I had almost convinced myself that Jace was right; that drinking would keep the pain of withdrawal at bay.

I felt cold. Like something liquid and metallic was creeping up my spine, spreading into my veins. Izzy and Jace seemed further away than I knew they really were. Their words echoed in my head, but the voices were slightly off.

‘Hey, Alec?’

I shook myself, turning to Sebastian. ‘Huh?’

Jace and Izzy stared. I tried to dismiss the feeling.

‘Sorry,’ he said, halfway in the kitchen. ‘Magnus Bane is here to see you.’

‘Oh. Right. Thanks.’

‘Hey,’ Jace said softly as I went to leave. ‘You don’t have to see him.’

I shrugged. ‘Why wouldn’t I see him? He did a lot for me and the others.’

‘I know, but if you’re not up for it—’

‘I’m fine.’

* * *

‘You’re fine? Really?’

Magnus didn’t seem impressed.

‘What do you want me to say?’ I asked tiredly. He shook his head and sat down on my bed.

‘How about the truth? I’m not someone you have to be strong for, Alexander.’

Moodily, I stared. ‘I feel better than I thought I would, considering.’

‘That worries me.’

‘Of course it does.’

‘A human drug would have you rolling on the floor vomiting.’

‘Small victories aren’t for nothing.’

‘I’m just saying with it being a supernatural drug, we can’t know the side effects until they happen. The whole thing feels weird to me anyway. What’s to be gained?’

‘Why take me?’

‘Why keep you there? Why give you the drug?’ he said, rubbing his eyes. He had beautiful eyes. ‘I don’t know, it’s weird.’

‘Thank you for everything you did.’

‘I barely did anything,’ he said. ‘It was Jace who found you. Jace who saved you.’

‘Can I ask you something?’

He looked at me. ‘I don’t know how Jace found you,’ he said. ‘Whatever it was, it didn’t involve me.’

‘So, it wasn’t the bond?’

‘He wanted to travel through the bond, into your body to see where you were. I refused. I know he could feel you, very distantly. He dreamt of you and saw you at one point.’

‘How do you know that?’

Magnus shrugged. ‘He fell asleep at my place.’

Awkwardly, I kicked the base of my bed. ‘How was he? While I was gone?’

‘How do you think he was? You’re his world.’

‘I just have this feeling he’s done something bad.’

‘You can’t just prod at your bond?’

I sat beside him. ‘There’s something wrong, like it’s weak because it was stretched too far. I’m sure in a few weeks it’ll be back to normal.’

‘I’m glad you’re back,’ Magnus said. ‘I care about you.’

My throat contracted. ‘I do too.’

‘If you need anything, I’m always here.’

I stared down at my boots, his shoes next to mine. ‘Thanks.’

‘Look after yourself, OK?’

‘I’ll try.’

* * *

I insisted Jace sleep in his own bed that night, despite his protests. He needed some real sleep and I needed distance to let myself feel whatever was happening to me without trying to hide or contain it.

I showered again, trying to chase away the cold feeling, but it was settling into my bones. I stood naked before the mirror. The bruises were almost gone now, cuts all healed and track marks had faded, but not vanished.

Water dripped from my hair and I closed my eyes as the distance formed once more. When I was little, sometimes in bed at night things would look much further away than I knew they were. It would pass eventually, but I remembered the feeling of my body going rigid and hoping it went away.

This was much worse.

My body ached and screamed, but that was tangible. Pain was real. It kept me present.

‘What’s happening?’ I said, and my voice sounded far away. The cold was travelling through me steadily now.

The higher it rose, the more distant I became. I wanted to smash the mirror because the pain might have grounded me, but I didn’t. I _couldn_ _’t_.

 _You moron,_ a much colder Alec said. _You dropped all your defences getting drunk like some whiny, attention-seeking little brat and now look what you_ _’ve let in._

I screwed up my eyes, shaking my head. When I opened them, the distance was so great that the mirror looked small. Like I couldn’t have touched it if I tried.

_You_ _’re pathetic. A sad, shadow of a man. A dull little virgin who can’t do anything that might make him happy because Angel forbid you actually crack a smile once a blue moon!_

‘Shut up!’ I yelled, but it was faded and muffled.

_All this power and you use none of it. You shame yourself. You_ _’re weak and weakness is despicable!_

_‘_ SHUT UP!’

_Your weakness is what let me in. Four days was plenty of time for someone as weak as you are! Well, you know what? It_ _’s my turn now!_

_…_

I must have blacked out. I was still standing, there had definitely been a break of some sort. The cold was everywhere, but it felt pleasant now. Cool, relaxing. The pain vanished and the distance was gone.

There was a bang as the door opened and Jace ran inside.

‘Alec?’ he called. ‘You OK?’

‘I’m fine!’ I replied, watching myself speak. I tightened the towel on my hips, pushing it a notch lower than usual and then I ran a hand through my hair.

Jace came inside the bathroom clad in only a t-shirt and boxers.

‘You scared the shit out of me!’ he said, hand on heart. ‘What the hell was all the yelling? I felt something weird too, were you hurt?’

‘I had a shower and banged my damned elbow as I got out.’

‘Funny bone?’

‘Yeah, it was hilarious,’ I said with a playful eye roll.

He was gorgeous, even when sleep tussled. I wanted to reach out and touch him, so I did.

I put my hand on his shoulder, brushing my thumb up the side of his neck just slightly.

‘But thanks for coming running, my knight in shining armour.’

He smiled. ‘Knight in PJ’s, but I’ll take it.’

I moved closer. ‘Jace, will you stay with me tonight?’

‘But you said—’

‘I know, but I don’t think I can be away from you. I want you near me.’ I pitched my voice lower. ‘I _need_ you near me.’

His reactions were delicious. The slight bob of his Adam’s apple, his pupils dilating, the way he wet his lips. He reigned himself in quickly, but I had seen it now. I wanted more. I wanted to puncture his control.

I wanted him to _lose_ all his control.

‘Whatever you need,’ he said, touching my shoulder in return. An acceptable friend gesture that wasn’t satisfying. He was being kind and caring. That wasn’t what I wanted.

‘Jace,’ I said, voice pained as I screwed up my face. ‘It hurts when you’re away from me.’

Concern flooded him immediately. ‘I’m right here. What can I do?’

I linked hands with him, pulling him nearer. ‘Never leave me?’

He laughed, but his eyes were wide. He wasn’t sure what was happening. I was never like this, he was suspicious. I had to be careful or I wouldn’t get what I wanted.

‘That’s my line,’ he said. ‘And you know I couldn’t if I tried.’

I shook my head. ‘Nah, look, I’m sorry. I just feel so fragile right now. You don’t need this shit. Why don’t you go back to bed?’

He was openly searching my expression. Adrenaline was flowing through me, part of me excited about him calling me out on my unusual actions.

‘Are you OK?’

‘Yeah, of course, go back to bed,’ I said, leaving his space and retreating like a sad, broken little puppy. He followed me into the bedroom. ‘You deserve a night without me.’

‘I don’t want to leave you.’

‘Get some sleep,’ I said with a put-upon sigh. ‘We’re up early. I’ll be fine.’

‘Alec…’

I waited, but he couldn’t find the words.

‘I know,’ I whispered. ‘Love you too.’

He left to return to his room and I grinned, deciding to get some much-needed sleep.

Tomorrow was going to be fun.

* * *

_A/N - I'm sorry this took longer than usual to post, but I had to do some Actual Book Writing and it ate a lot of my time. I did work super hard to get this up today for everyone, especially midnightsky7702 who wanted to read this before exam time._

_I hope you all enjoyed this and are excited for what's to come._

_Because oh yes, good stuff is on the way._

_Feedback is oxygen._

_xxx_


	9. Chapter Nine: You Lose Your Way Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multipl POV's in this chapter. Dark!Alec tries to find his footing in his pursuit of Jace.

**CHAPTER NINE**

**\- You Lose Your Way Again?** **-**

_‘You took my sadness out of context,_

_At the Mariners Apartment complex,_

_I ain_ _’t no candle in the wind._

_I_ _’m the void, the lighting the thunder,_

_Kinda girl who_ _’s gonna make you wonder,_

_Who you are and who you_ _’ve been.’_

_\- Lana Del Rey_

**\- Alec -**

For a Shadowhunter in the midst of an action-packed Institute in New York, there sure was a lot of loving family crap sometimes. Breakfast was dull and boring and I marvelled at my family’s intent to be there for me and maintain some web of support, because it was bullshit and I was long over it.

Mom was droning on and _on_ about leads and links to the shipping of the drug into the Manhattan area and I tried not to look too bored, but it was difficult.

‘—really got to step this up if we’re going to get the results the Clave are looking for,’ she was saying as my attention drifted in and out. There were better things to pay attention to. _Interesting_ things.

Jace was listening, an avid little frown on his face. I watched him as he felt me staring, watched how he tried to not to show that he’d felt it. He shifted in his seat, swallowed and then refocused his dutiful attention to the woman who raised him.

I was usually the dutiful one, but he was making effort to cover for me. He would always cover for me, give me whatever I needed.

Through clear, cool eyes I acknowledged that my love for him did not wane or bend. It was total, all-consuming and in every part of my being. I adored him, worshipped him and yet he was not entirely mine. That was wrong. I didn’t like that and would not accept it. He loved me, I loved him. This was all that mattered.

‘This doesn’t matter,’ I interrupted. Mom stopped, brought up short. Everyone looked at me and I did not falter. ‘None of it matters.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You’re not in charge of the Institute,’ I said, ignoring pointed looks from Jace and Izzy. ‘You’re not even supposed to be here.’

She huffed indignantly, colour rising in her cheeks. ‘Alec, I don’t know what you presume to—’

‘I presume nothing. You’re not head of this place.’

‘There _is_ no head, currently. A replacement has not yet been selected!’

‘No and we’ve been running it just fine without one. Without you.’

Jace leaned closer. _‘Alec_.’

I pressed on. ‘When the Clave does eventually select a leader, we all know who it won’t be so I don’t know why you’re sitting there, wasting our time as if you know anything about this situation beyond the information the Silent Brothers handed you.’

‘How dare you speak to me like that?’

I cracked a grin. ‘How dare I? I _dare_ speak the truth, Mom, because that is what you’ve taught me. The law is hard, but it is the law. The truth hurts, but it’s the truth. Reality sucks, but here it is. You’re not in charge. Stop acting like you are.’

‘Well, someone has to!’

‘You’re right,’ I said, standing up. ‘And someone will.’

* * *

The uproar was dull. Mom and Dad fighting and yelling was dull. Their entirely predictable _Turn It On Each Other_ routine bored me instantly. Dad couldn’t hide how pleased he was that I was taking aim at Mom, even yelled at one point how proud he was of me while Mom insisted that I clearly wasn’t myself because _her_ Alec would never speak like that.

‘Dude, what the fuck?’ Jace asked, hurrying to catch up with me as I made my way to the training room, Izzy in tow.

‘I’m done with their bullshit,’ I said easily, pushing the door and holding it open for them. ‘It’s more than I can stand.’

‘You shouldn’t have said that to her, though,’ Izzy pointed out frowning. ‘She’s doing the best she can.’

I shrugged out of my shirt, leaving my vest on. ‘It’s not good enough.’

Sebastian was there already with Clary and Max. He smiled and waved at Jace and Izzy, but it faltered when he saw me. His eyes narrowed, head cocked and I wondered distantly if he sensed something.

Interesting.

Though nothing was as interesting as my Parabatai. Nothing ever would be.

‘Hey,’ he said, pulling me aside before I could warm up. ‘Alec, what the fuck is happening?’

I gave a put-upon sigh and tried to look sad. ‘Jace,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I’ve been taking their crap for years, my whole life really. I just…my tolerance is gone.’

‘Izzy’s right, though,’ he said gently. ‘She just wants to help.’

‘I don’t need it,’ I told him honestly. _Just you_ , I wanted to add but didn’t.

‘Still,’ he said with a worried once over. ‘Overkill.’

I smiled. Not a tight smile or a brief smile. I smiled fully because I knew he _loved_ seeing me smile. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ I conceded generously. ‘I didn’t sleep great. I’ll apologise later.’

That settled him. Karine joined us, Simon following soon after.

‘Why is it World War Three out there?’ he asked worriedly.

‘You friend is ‘ere,’ Karine pointed out unnecessarily to Clary. ‘I like that you ‘ave made friends with a vampire. Most clever to understand their sneaky ways.’

I grew bored of whatever little interactions were about to happen between Simon, Clary and inevitably, Izzy. Izzy was very caught up with the two of them and while I loved her completely, I didn’t especially care about whatever witty banter was about to be exchanged. Karine approached Jace and me, tying her long hair back.

‘Your Father says we are leaving,’ she informed me. ‘But I came to say that if you need me to stay, I am ‘appy to do so.’

‘We appreciate your offer. I’m really sorry,’ Jace told her, throwing me a mildly scolding look. ‘Alec is gonna apologise later and fix it.’

Karine laughed. ‘I doubt anyone can fix what is between them, cherie. Robert also says that you are not coming to stay with us for the winter?’

‘It seems unlikely,’ Jace went on, looking regretful.

‘Well,’ she said, waving her hand airily. ‘I understand zat completely; your Father can be rather boring, indeed but I assure you there are plenty of things to destroy in Paris and if you do not wish to sleep near where we will be sleeping, you can stay in one of my castles.’

Jace’s eyes widened. ‘Castles?’

‘You can ‘ave the small one. You would like it, I think.’

 _Great, then maybe we_ _’d be far away enough not to hear you and my Dad fucking,_ I almost said. But Jace was right there and he was already suspicious and not happy with me.

‘Sounds great,’ I lied.

‘I would also like to say,’ she said, lowering her voice and moving closer. ‘Your friend, Sebastian? I do not like him at all.’

‘Oh?’

‘No,’ she confided, shaking her head. ‘Not at all. ‘E is too pretty and too clean. The two never combine for anything less than a lie.’

‘Hey!’ Jace laughed, mostly to break the tension. ‘I’m pretty!’

‘You, ma cherie, are beautiful, but you are little bit of a _salope_.’

I gave a bark of laughter before sealing my lips and trying to look serious.

‘She called you a slut,’ I explained solemnly.

‘What?’ Jace squeaked.

‘It is fine,’ Karine assured him. ‘In France, everyone is this way. We are beautiful, bien sur, but also sluts. France is truly the land of rude, pretty sluts.’

‘Can’t wait to visit,’ I sighed.

‘Your friend?’ Karine went on in a conspiratorial whisper. ‘Is not in balance. Be careful with someone ‘oo is not in balance, OK?’

‘Well, sure,’ Jace said, still a little stung and baffled.

‘Alors, I will say goodbye in case we ‘ave to leave suddenly because they begin fighting.’

She did a round of double kisses with goodbyes. I watched her leave with no real feeling beyond relief that my Father would be going and soon after, my Mom would likely follow. I had no time to play the role of good son or to live up to their anchor-like expectations.

‘Can we fight now?’ I asked when she was gone. ‘Mon petite _salope_?’

Jace shook his head, but he was grinning. ‘How dare you? My honour is forever impugned.’

‘What honour?’ Izzy chimed in, sparring with Clary.

‘I have honour, screw you all!’

‘I think that’s why you’re lacking in the honour department,’ Simon added from the side-lines.

Sebastian was patiently training with Max. Karine’s warning made sense, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing it just then.

I warmed up a little, just enough not to injure myself. Jace stretched in front of me and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. ‘You ready?’

‘Yeah, let’s do it.’

* * *

**\- Jace -**

OK, maybe something was different. _Maybe_. Alec barely warmed up at all, which wasn’t exactly like him. The outburst earlier was so unlike him I had whiplash, but it was understandable to an extent. He’d been through trauma and really, a rebellious yelling match was long overdue between him and Maryse.

He was being so…forthright. Alec had always been honest, but this was like he didn’t care if he upset anyone. That wasn’t the only thing, either. There was something kind of _around him,_ like he was crackling with energy. I felt like if I touched him, maybe he would shock me a little.

‘C’mon!’ he called, stretching his arms and then shaking them, jumping on the spot. ‘Let’s go already!’

I joined him on large, flat crash mat. My heart was already beating faster.

He grinned and threw himself at me.

Alec and I were Parabatai; training was usually like dancing, moves and steps and sequences that we _felt_ because of our synchronisation. Alec would rarely hurt me and often held himself back.

He wasn’t holding back now.

The part of me that should have been worried was drowned in excitement and sheer thrill because he was _fighting_ me. This was the thing I longed for in darker moments and it was actually happening.

It was fast, way too fast to plan ahead or coordinate. Moment by moment, I moved and reacted to his attack. _He_ was fast when he wanted to be, but I wasn’t exactly a wallflower.

He hit me first. It didn’t hurt like it should have. He had clearly controlled how much he’d put into the hit, which meant he had _decided_ to hit me, just not too hard.

I didn’t stop to comment, just kept fighting with him. I caught him right on the chin with a left hook. He didn’t even react, just swung around and hit me with his elbow. He smiled and cocked an eyebrow.

He was _playing_ with me.

Move after move it went on, my heart beating so hard I felt like I might have passed out if I weren’t so caught up in what we were doing. Distantly, a voice warned that we should stop now. One of us was going to get hurt in a minute.

It kept going. I was out of breath, almost winded. I felt an edge of competitiveness in his actions. Well, if he wanted to win, he’d have to earn it.

He tried to sweep my leg, but I hauled him back and reversed it. I slammed him down hard, holding him by the wrists. It felt intimate and enticing, but I was too high on triumphant adrenaline to feel self-conscious.

‘You got me,’ he said, no trace of humour in those dark eyes. He breathed hard, opened mouthed and I realised I was sitting on his chest, literally holding him down.

‘Yeah, uh, rematch?’ I asked, climbing off.

He rolled over, sitting up. ‘Maybe in a minute.’

I worried that I’d gone too far. ‘You OK?’

‘Yeah, fine.’ His back was to me, I reached over and touched him to see if he was all right. He whipped around so fast I barely even knew what was happening. He grabbed my hand and flipped me over, knocking the air from my chest. He pinned me down, leaning close, legs straddling me tightly.

‘Got you back,’ he breathed, smugly.

‘Oh, you sneaky fucker,’ I laughed, trying half-heartedly to push him off but he held me there, his superior weight and height making it tricky. ‘C’mon, move your ass!’

‘Why? What are you gonna do?’

I pushed up, trying to dislodge him and I became slowly aware that this was a potentially dangerous situation to be in. The others were right there and he was on top of me in a way that would have made anyone’s _interest_ prick up, let alone _me_ with _Alec_.

‘Alec,’ I said firmly. ‘Come on.’

He leaned right down over me, his face so close I felt his breath. ‘Or what, Jace?’

Intentionally or not, his hips rolled a little and the friction sent my nervous system spinning into overdrive. I struggled to maintain a neutral expression, jaw setting.

‘What are you scared of?’ he whispered, devouring me with his unblinking eyes. ‘I’ve got you.’

I was completely frozen, mesmerised and terrified. Powerless beneath him, I hoped and dreaded in equal measure that he was going to kiss me. It was crazy, but my head was spinning and my body was pulsating with a need unlike anything I’d ever felt. I would die if he kissed me and I would die if he didn’t.

Alec loosened his grip on one wrist enough to drag his index finger into the centre of my palm and trace small, soothing circles.

His lips brushed my ear as be bent closer. ‘I’ve always got you, baby.’

My blood was pumping so hard I make out the rhythm of my pulse in my eyes. Before I could say or do anything, he slowly withdrew and rolled off of me with cat-like grace, as though it was nothing. Like he hadn’t just torn my world apart. Like he hadn’t had me pinned there, five seconds away from coming untouched like a horny teen.

Like he hadn’t called me _baby_.

‘The fuck?’ I muttered under my breath, chancing a glance at the others who were either far too adept at pretending they hadn’t noticed anything or were genuinely too distracted. ‘Gonna shower,’ I said, grabbing a towel on my way out.

Alec nodded thoughtfully. ‘Me too.’

* * *

She wasn’t pleased that I turned up unannounced, let’s put it that way.

 _‘Fuck off, Jace,’_ she warned, sighing into the intercom. _‘This is not OK.’_

‘Alyssa,’ I said, pressing my forehead to the wall. ‘I’m really sorry, I just need to talk to you for five minutes. It’s not about you and me, I promise.’

_‘What is it about?’_

‘I… please just let me in?’

_‘Are you drunk?’_

‘I wish.’

_‘God, fine. Five minutes and I’ve got a taser in here, so don’t get comfy.’_

She buzzed me in and I took the stairs two at a time, desperate to get inside her apartment and have someone to talk to.

She was waiting in her doorway, unimpressed.

‘You look great,’ I said, aiming for charm and landing on pathetic.

‘Yeah, I do,’ she agreed dryly. ‘Let’s hear the drama, then.’

She closed the door and politely waited for me to speak.

‘Can I sit down?’

‘I suppose, yes.’

I sat at her small table, where we’d been eating Chinese food the last time I saw her. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

‘Let me just skip through the whole, _I_ _’ve fucked up my entire life and everything in it,_ OK?’

‘Please do.’

‘Something is happening between me and Alec.’

Cautiously, she sat opposite me. ‘Happening? Like an argument?’

‘No,’ I said, running my hands through my hair, too long, needed a trim. ‘Like, _happening_ , Aly.’

‘Like sex?’

‘No.’

‘Like, building up to sex?’

‘He’s being so weird and I know its…’ I trailed off, not wanting to drag her into the whole mess with the drugs. ‘He’s been through a lot lately so it might not be _him_ , y’know?’

‘What happened?’

I shook my head. ‘He’s flirting with me.’

‘And?’

‘It’s aggressive flirting, not light-hearted banter. He’s…looking at me differently or whatever, I don’t know but I _do_ know, you see?’

‘I see that we clearly didn’t get to the part in our relationship where you told me that Alec _isn_ _’t_ your blood brother.’

‘I’m sure I told you that,’ I said, a little defensively.

‘You absolutely did not. You told me about Clary, about thinking she was your sister for a while. You never said Alec wasn’t your brother.’

‘Because he _is_ my brother, just not in that way, why is it even relevant? Are you saying adopted siblings aren’t real siblings?’

She gave a flat sigh. ‘I’m _saying_ you clearly being in love with him and referring to him as your brother repeatedly when he’s not _technically_ your brother isn’t even one of the top five reasons we broke up.’

My jaw dropped. ‘What?’

‘Why is this my job? Seriously. Jace, you’re in love with Alec.’

‘I’m…’

‘Not? No, because you’re not good enough, right? He’s too perfect and you’re just trash, is that it? Suuuch bullshit, Jace! C’mon, you’re smarter than that. And now, what? Because he’s showing you interest, you’re panicking?’

‘You don’t understand,’ I said, swallowing her words thickly. ‘He’s not himself.’

‘That’s just an easy way to reject someone without hurting their feelings.’

‘I can’t risk it with him, not with Alec.’

‘He’s not worth the risk?’

‘The risk is not worth Alec! He’s too important. I can’t risk what we have over some weird _thing_ that’s happening because he’s upset or traumatised!’

‘How many times have you told yourself that?’

I rubbed my eyes. ‘A lot.’

‘Do you admit you’re in love with him, Jace?’

Quietly, I said, ‘I can’t.’

‘Because things you love get hurt?’

‘To love is to destroy.’

She pursed her lips. ‘Whoever told you that wanted to destroy _you_ and they almost succeeded. Not quite, though. You’re here, he’s here and you only get one life. Look, I don’t know Alec and I barely knew you. Here’s what I do know. You love him and that’s not a bad thing, OK? What you feel for him is not bad or forbidden or harmful. Love is beautiful and you should give it a chance at least.’

‘He’s my Parabatai.’

She wrinkled her nose, discreetly checking the time on her phone. ‘The fuck is that?’

‘Its…we’re not allowed to be together in that way.’

‘Is it a religious thing?’

‘Sort of, yeah.’

‘Jace, are you ever going to stop loving him?’

‘Never.’

‘Then that’s a long time to be in pain, don’t you think?’

‘What if I hurt him? What if I fuck it all up?’

‘What if the reason you’ve been fucking everything else up is _because_ you love him so much? Ever think of that?’

I dropped my head in my hands. ‘This is so fucked.’

‘So un-fuck it. Talk to him.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Because that would actually clear things up?’

‘What if I’m wrong and he was just messing with me?’

‘Your five minutes was up five minutes ago and do you seriously think Alec would ever do that to you?’

‘No, but he’s…he’s different today.’

‘Well, maybe he’s having an off day.’ She looked at me expectantly, a softer expression in place than before. ‘I got stuff to do, Jace.’

‘Yeah, sorry. Uh, thanks for talking to me.’

I got up and she followed me. ‘You’re welcome.’

By the door, I took a deep breath. ‘I should have treated you better. I’m sorry.’

She cracked a smile. ‘You’re sorry a lot today.’

‘Yeah, I’m grateful too. You’re fucking amazing, Aly.’

‘Go,’ she ordered, smiling wryly. ‘Make better decisions, Jace Herondale.’

* * *

**\- Alec -**

There was no way he was in there long enough for it to be anything but a conversation. Even Jace wasn’t _that_ good. It was ten minutes, max, before he was out of the apartment building again. I watched from a distance, obscured by crowds of people who meant less than nothing to me. He seemed so shaken when he went in and now, _now_ he seemed better.

Had she made him feel better? How?

Jealousy churned in the pit of my stomach, bitter and cold. He’d gone to someone else for help. For fucking comfort. My Jace had sought another in time of weakness.

That wasn’t right.

He was confused and that was my fault. The shift was too much for him, he would need something to ground him and reassure him I was still _his_ Alec.

I realised I’d gone about this all wrong and cursed my impatience. It was nothing I couldn’t undo, though.

‘Fucking hell,’ I muttered, realising I was going to have to make reparations with Mom and useless small talk with others. Jace would be worth it, though and it would only be temporary.

I dropped a few dollars on the table, enough for the coffee. The waitress scooped it up, shooting me a dirty look as I left.

‘Some tip,’ she griped.

* * *

Sebastian, I decided, had ulterior motives. He was far too invested in helping to be genuine. It was a dull-as-fuck investigation that involved way too many Mundanes and not enough Demons to be interesting to a veteran Shadowhunter. He’d gone above and beyond, working tirelessly and that just did not make sense.

‘I thus conclude,’ he explained, making me work to suppress a smirk. Who the fuck spoke like that? ‘That we’re looking at a targeted supply, intended to hit the Shadow World.’

‘You found the dealer?’ Izzy asked as we stood, arms crossed looking serious around the situation table.

‘I found _a_ dealer,’ he conceded. ‘I’ve got multiple samples in the lab and one has been sent to the Silent Brothers.’

‘What did the dealer give up?’ Jace asked.

‘Unknown supply, drop offs and pick-ups. Most worryingly, the earnings from the drug aren’t being collected.’

‘Meaning?’

‘Meaning money is of no interest to whoever is supplying the drug.’

‘That’s gotta be unheard of, right?’

‘The drug is supernatural,’ Izzy said with a furrowed brow. ‘There’s clearly an ulterior motive.’

‘You read my mind,’ I said, staring at Sebastian.

He took my death-like stare well, barely letting it slow him down.

‘Clary has news from Luke, I believe?’

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Luke said the effects from the drug on the humans have more or less worn off by now. They seem to be normal.’

Jace let out a breath he’d apparently been holding. ‘That’s great!’

‘Yeah,’ Izzy said, giving me a pat on the arm and a smile. ‘No side effects of anything?’

‘Post-traumatic stress, he said, but nothing more.’

‘That’s to be expected,’ Sebastian said. ‘And very good news.’

Clary frowned at him. ‘Then why do you think the drug is targeting the Shadow World?’

His hesitation grated on me. ‘We have to consider the fact that on a Shadowhunter, the effects might be…’

I cocked an eyebrow, ‘Different?’

‘Well, yes.’

‘Why don’t you just ask me? I’m standing right here.’

‘Would you be honest?’

‘Hey,’ Jace warned. ‘Don’t talk to him that way.’

‘I apologise. Listen, I have multiple samples of the stuff - I will know more by tomorrow. In the meantime, Alec, if you feel any different please don’t attempt to hide it.’

I glared. ‘Why would I hide it?’

He knew. He knew I knew, as well. Fuck.

Meeting over, we scattered and broke off into smaller groups; Izzy with Clary, Simon and Jace were talking about something to do with the waterfront and I followed Sebastian out, ignoring Jace’s attempts to stop me.

He seemed to be expecting me to follow him. ‘After you,’ he said, holding his bedroom door open for me.

‘You’re staying here?’ I asked, somewhat incredulous.

‘While you were away, Izzy and your Mother invited me to stay, yes. I’m still looking for an apartment and they’re expensive here.’

He closed the door and we faced each other.

‘Well?’

He shrugged. ‘Well what?’

‘What do you want?’

‘Believe me when I say I want track down the dealer of this drug.’

I narrowed my eyes, trying to get his measure and coming up short.

‘You know what it does?’

‘Of course, I do.’

‘Do you, really?’ I asked, moving closer.

He rolled up his sleeve, removing a discreet glamour rune and showed me track marks, fresh ones.

‘I really do. You’ll want to find some for yourself soon enough,’ he said. ‘After a few days, you’ll need it to sustain the change.’

‘I feel fine.’

‘You will, right up until you don’t. You’ll need it about once a week. Injecting is best, but if you’re a little slow on glamours, I can show you a few other ways.’

‘How long have you been using?’

‘A year.’

‘You followed it here,’ I said, nodding. ‘Where did it come from?’

‘Russia.’

‘Huh, wouldn’t have guessed. So, you want me to stay quiet and in turn you’ll do the same? You really think I’d let you endanger my family?’

‘Are _you_ a danger to your family?’ he asked, eyebrows raised. ‘Has the drug made you homicidal? Murderous?’

‘No,’ I said quickly. ‘I feel…clear.’

‘All I want is to the find the source, nothing more.’

‘So that you can manufacture it yourself?’

‘A version of it,’ he said carefully. ‘For personal use only.’

I considered him. ‘I could just turn you in, tell them everything you’ve said.’

He tipped his head. ‘You could, but then I would tell them about you and how will you ever seduce your wayward Parabatai then?’

‘Don’t you talk about him!’

He smirked. ‘They’ll lock you up in a cell right next to me until all the _clarity_ is drained from you and you’re shackled down by self-doubt and obligation once more.’

I didn’t like what he was proposing, but he was right. I couldn’t risk losing what I’d gained, how could I return to what I once was? No, there was no way.

‘If you hurt anyone, even look at them wrong,’ I threatened, lip curling. ‘I will rip you apart.’

‘I’ve no doubt,’ he said. ‘Once we find the source, I’ll be long gone.’

‘Fine. Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.’

As I went to leave, he said, ‘A little advice? Patience is the way to go, believe me.’

* * *

‘Hey,’ Jace said, catching up to me. ‘What did you talk to him about?’

I made sure to look tired and weary, even though I was alert and full of adrenaline. ‘I wanted to reassure him that no matte what he might think of me, I wouldn’t lie if I was feeling something that could help us get to the root of all this.’

‘Was he reassured?’

‘He seemed to be,’ I said offering my beautiful Parabatai a worn smile. ‘I just can’t bear the idea of anyone thinking that about me. It’s making me crazy.’

‘I know,’ he said. ‘You’ve been different.’

‘My defences are low, that’s all. Nothing that can’t be solved.’

‘Solved how?’

‘Being with you?’ I said, slinging an arm around him. ‘Look, I called Mom earlier and apologised. She was fine. Dad too, though I think he was kinda rooting for me a little there. I’m sorry if I’ve been on edge. The last thing I want is to upset anyone, you know that.’

He wrapped his arm around my middle. ‘Of course,’ he said earnestly.

‘Good. Do you want to patrol tonight? Simon and Clary are following up a few leads and Izzy isbhelping Sebastian in the lab.’

‘We don’t have to, Alec.’

‘Sure, we do, it’s our job.’

He stopped us and faced me, evaluating me best he could. ‘You feel up to it?’

‘Standard patrol? Yeah, with you by my side.’

It was working, I could feel it. The apparent return of _his_ Alec was fast erasing suspicion and worry. I just had to control myself enough to let feel in control, for him to make the first move when he felt ready, with a little subconscious pushing of course.

Pushing aside his hesitation, he said, ‘I’ve got you.’

Maybe patience could pay off after all.

* * *

Patrolling was not a good idea, but it was the best I had. Jace’s needs went so much deeper than reassurance and normality. Adrenaline was best; fight or flight. Nothing like vanquishing all those pesky moral questions about _feelings_ in the face of necessary action.

We got a tip off about a rogue vamp nest, hoarding warm human bodies for snacking and it was ideal, until it wasn’t.

Everything was going well. Killing things was always fun. The vampires put up a decent fight and it was me and my Parabatai against the world again, the only way it should ever have been. At one point we fought back to back and the _rightness_ of that hit me hard, leaving a mark that would never fade.

I fired a final arrow into the last enemy and silence fell, save for our heavy breathing and the muffled sobs of chained humans in a nearby cage.

He went straight for the humans and that was fine, I understood. They were weak and helpless and he trusted me to be all right. I watched as he unchained them, checking for serious injuries.

‘Shit,’ he said. ‘Alec, there’s bodies here.’

Well, of course there were. It was a den. ‘Do you want me to deal with it?’

‘No, I can—’

A vampire we hadn’t seen came flying from the shadows behind where the humans were chained. It threw itself at Jace, clawing and trying to bite. I couldn’t get a clean shot, so I grabbed and pulled the petite vampire girl off him.

She turned on me, wild with fury, and in my distraction trying to see if Jace was OK, she sunk her teeth into my neck.

Ah, fuck.

She reeled back instantly, howling and spitting. I dropped her.

‘What?’ she gagged and retched, skittering backwards. ‘What is that?’

‘Are you all right?’ Jace asked, frantically examining the wound on my neck.

‘It’s nothing,’ I dismissed, trying to push him away so I could kill her.

‘Alec, it’s _not_ , that’s your jugular!’

‘Why is it cold?’ she gasped, eyes wide and teeth stained with the blood she’d been disgusted by. ‘So cold and dark! You _burn_!’

Jace threw her a distracted glance, but a moment later what she was saying sunk in and I saw it.

‘Raving bitch,’ I muttered, firmly pushing him away and firing an arrow right in her chest, putting an end to her, albeit too late.

‘Alec,’ he said slowly. ‘What is she…?’

I pitched forward, eyes rolling and he only just caught me. He laid me down, holding me around the shoulders and went to work healing me. I clung to him the entire time.

‘Can you hear me?’ he asked, turning my face towards him. ‘Hey, open your eyes!’

I obeyed, keeping myself weak and pliant, letting him take over and rescue me. ‘’M sorry,’ I said, pretending to try and sit up.

‘Hey, stay down,’ he warned. ‘You lost a lot of blood.’

‘That was stupid, I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s fine,’ he said, wiping blood off my chin and smoothing my hair back for me. I wanted him so much I could taste it in my mouth. If that _bitch_ hadn’t said all that shit, I would probably have thrown caution to the winds and just kissed him.

‘What was she talking about, Jace?’ I asked, worriedly. ‘Is it…Angel, do you think it’s still in my system?’

‘No,’ he lied kindly, still stroking my hair. ‘Probably just wasn't ready for Shadowhunter blood, that’s all.’

‘You should help them,’ I said. ‘I’m OK now.’

‘No, you almost died.’

‘ _No_ , it was a normal fight,’ I insisted bravely and fuck me this was going to get old really fast. ‘I’ll still get hurt sometimes. Doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere.’

His eyes were so intense. ‘Not as long as I’m here.’

I place my hand around the back of neck. ‘Thank you.’ He flushed a little, my touch bringing out the most delicious shade of pink around his ears. ‘Go, help them.’

* * *

- **Izzy** -

‘This is not good,’ I said with a sigh.

Sebastian looked up from the microscope. ‘That seems like stating the obvious, a bit.’

I grinned and rolled my eyes. ‘Well, obviously the whole thing is bad, but that’s not what I meant. The more I learn about this shit, the more I fear it.’

‘The great Isabelle Lightwood? Afraid?’

‘Fuck you, _Sea-bass_ ,’ I jibed good naturedly, using the nickname Max had given him. ‘What’ve you got so far?’

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. ‘A headache. These lights are bright.’

‘So, you have nothing?’

‘What about you?’

‘There’s no way of knowing what it does without testing it,’ I said. He looked at me worriedly.

‘You mean…?’

‘The supernatural element is well masked. We’ll never know for sure what it does unless we see it happening.’

Sebastian paused, looking down. ‘And you’re not seeing it in Alec?’

The question made my stomach tighten. There was something wrong with Alec, that much was certain but I just couldn’t figure out what.

‘It’s unclear,’ I settled for.

‘So, what do you suggest?’

‘If we had enough of it, I would suggest testing it on me.’

‘What? No!’

I shrugged casually. ‘I’ve had experience with Yin Fen and we would have answers, at least.’

‘And what if it affects everyone differently?’ he asked, leaning back arms crossed. ‘What if we only learn what this drug does to you?’

‘I said, _if_ we had enough. We don’t, so it’s moot anyway.’

He returned to analysing the sample. ‘My best guess,’ he said slowly, twisting a dial. ‘Is that it’s some kind of magical amplifying agent.’

‘Amplifying what?’

‘Aspects of the host?’

I thought of Alec and how different he was.

‘Which aspects?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Clear as a cloud.’

He pushed the microscope aside. ‘Can I ask you something?’

I hopped up onto the surface and looked at him expectantly. ‘Sure.’

‘Is Clary your friend?’

‘Yes, I said without hesitation. ‘My best friend.’

‘That’s good. She’s lucky to have someone like you watching out for her.’

‘Clary is a great friend. Why do you ask?’

So quietly, he replied, ‘I wonder if she’s happy?’

‘You like her?’ I asked him after a long moment of consideration.

‘Not like that.’

‘Oh, then I’m not sure why you’d even ask.’

‘I like her very much, just not in _that_ way.’

‘You barely know her.’

‘True.’

‘So why are you concerned about her happiness?’

‘Is attraction a prerequisite to caring?’

I was about to answer when my phone went off. It was Jace.

‘What’s up?’ I answered tensely because he rarely called when they were patrolling for anything less than an emergency.

‘Are you in the lab?’ he asked quietly.

‘Yeah, with Sebastian.’

‘I’m just outside the Institute. I’m gonna give you a sample of Alec’s blood and I need you to test it.’

‘Test for what, the drug?’

‘I don’t know just test it and don’t tell him.’

I didn’t ask how he had his blood. ‘OK.’

He hung up. Sebastian had returned to his study of the samples.

‘Everything OK?’

‘I’ve got another sample coming your way,’ I explained, jumping down neatly. ‘Back in five minutes.’

* * *

**\- Alec -**

I took a shower while Jace checked in with everyone to make a quick report. I knew it would be quick, he wouldn’t want to leave me alone for too long. There was a possibility he was still suspicious, but I felt fairly confident I had done a good job of distracting him.

While I towel dried my hair, I stared at my reflection. There were dark circles under my eyes, but I was tired. The cool feeling from last night was starting to wear thin around the edges, letting in an itchy kind of heat now and then. It wasn’t bad yet, but soon it would be. Fucking Sebastian was right.

I would need more.

‘Hey,’ Jace greeted, slipping quietly into my room. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Great,’ I said with a wry, somewhat sad smile. My patience was almost eroded to nothing and if I had to pretend to be that pathetic, virgin loser, that’s what I would do. Every moment that passed without him in my arms, his taste in my mouth…was fucking _torture_. ‘I just…maybe you should go.’

‘What? Why?’

I turned away from him. ‘I feel low,’ I said. ‘Like I’m just broken apart, Jace. Who even I am anymore? This _shit_ has fucking destroyed my perception. I feel like I don’t know how to be me anymore.’

I waited for the rush of reassurance. I waited for him to come to me. Neither happened.

Silence and then, ‘Do you really mean that?’

I turned to him, frowning and a little shaken to see him watching me like I was a stranger. My heart clenched.

‘You think I’m lying?’

He was pale and alert, like I was an animal he was frightened of.

‘Oh, you think I’m…what? Possessed?’ I laughed bitterly. ‘Fuck you, Jace.’

‘I don’t think you’re possessed.’

‘You think I’m not Alec, though?’

Swallowing, he said, ‘Are you?’

‘How can you even ask me that?’

‘I can’t feel our bond.’

‘Well I can feel it,’ I said, viciously yanking on a t-shirt. ‘I can feel that my own Parabatai doesn’t think I’m really myself because I need some help!’

‘Please just tell me,’ he begged in a strangled kind of voice. ‘If you’re not you, I won’t be angry just please don’t lie to me!’

I didn’t have to fake the anger. ‘If I’m not me? Who the fuck am I then, Jace? Look at me! You don’t even love me enough to know the other half of your own soul?!’

His expression cracked, revealing the turmoil beneath. He was holding back tears and his pain materialised inside me like the most bittersweet agony imaginable.

‘I love you more than anything,’ he said, somewhat breathless. ‘You know I do.’

‘I don’t know that!’ I spat, barely able to control myself. ‘How would I know that? From you using me? Distancing yourself from me the moment I get with someone? From you stringing me along for your own amusement?’

A bigger fracture now, I just had to push until he broke. If I broke him, he would come to me in perfect supplication. I would repair him even better than before, treasure the pieces of the man I loved more than I knew how to live with.

‘No,’ he denied, wiping away two tears. ‘Never.’

‘You have no idea what love is!’ I went on, unable to stop my voice from trembling. ‘You think it’s sex and a deep connection? Love is trailing after someone you know will never love you back! It’s cleaning up your mess, it’s lying to you again and again and _ruining_ my life so you can live yours!’

Hand over his mouth, he cried silently. It should have stopped me, should have made me go cold with guilt. It didn’t.

‘Love is ending a relationship with someone I cared about because you can’t _share_! Love is standing in the shadows so you get all the sun to yourself!’

‘Alec, please.’

‘Love is paying off the psycho bitch who lied about being pregnant so you don’t realise how fucking naive you really are!’

He faltered, looking up at me through his tears. ‘Wh-what?’

I was too far gone, out of breath and blood racing so fast I was dizzy. ‘You heard me.’

‘I don’t understand…you…you paid Katie? What for?’

‘I paid her so she wouldn’t tell you the whole pregnancy was a lie!’

‘She said she lost the baby.’

‘There was no baby, you fucking idiot! How can you be this stupid when it comes to women? She made it up for the money! I paid her to say she lost it and to leave you alone.’

Through his breathless grief, I could see anger trickling in. ‘She told me the miscarriage was my fault. You pay her to say that too? Teach me a fucking lesson?’

‘Of course, I didn’t pay her to say that! She was a manipulative little bitch, just like your fucking ex who you went crying to today!’

‘You _followed me_?’

‘I was worried about you and you went to her!’

‘How dare you fucking follow me? What are you, my keeper?’

‘YES!’ I shouted, finally losing all ability to control myself. ‘I AM YOUR KEEPER!’

That made him flinch. ‘Well, who asked you to be?’

‘Who else was going to be?’ I demanded roughly. ‘Who else would be stupid enough to attach their soul to yours, knowing how much it would be dragged through the dirt? I did, because I fucking love you!’ I was crying too, now. When had that happened? ‘I love you so much, _so much_!’

He swiped his face, shaking his head. ‘How could you do that to me? Watch me cry for something that never existed?’

‘Because I love you,’ I said, voice cracking. ‘Everything I do is because I love you, Jace! Don’t pretend like you don’t know how in love with you I am!’

He froze.

‘No.’

‘Yes, you know it’s true.’

‘No, we’ve talked about it before. It was a crush, just a stupid crush.’

‘I’m fucking in love with you.’

‘You’re not!’

I closed the distance between us and he backed away, like he was terrified. When his back hit the door, he let out a shuddering breath.

‘You’re not,’ he repeated, shaking his head. ‘Please, Alec.’

I took his face in my hands, towering over him and crowding him into the wooden surface. ‘You want proof?’

‘Please stop.’

‘Let me kiss you and you’ll feel it.’

‘Alec!’

‘I’m in love with you and I can’t take it anymore,’ I sobbed, raw emotion breaking me apart. ‘Every moment you’re not mine is painful. Do you know how unbearable it is to see you with other people? To _feel_ you fucking other people?’

He closed his eyes and tried to turn away, but I kept him there.

‘I felt you fucking her, Jace. I felt the pleasure building inside you, felt it like I was fucking _you_. You felt it too, I know you did.’

‘Alec, stop.’

‘Did you feel me? Did you feel my orgasm?’ I pressed my forehead to his, eyes closed. ‘It was us, Jace. I came because I felt _you_.’

He opened his eyes and the heartbreak in them threatened to unmoor me.

‘You’re not Alec,’ he said, but he wasn’t certain, it was a defence mechanism.

‘I am,’ I promised him. ‘I’m your Alec. I kiss your hair when I think you’re asleep, I listen to your breathing because you drink so fucking much, I worry you won’t wake up. I love everything about you, I love you so much it kills me! Look at me.’

I held his gaze, fingers sliding up into his long hair.

‘It’s me, Jace.’

He broke.

* * *

_A/N -Holy crap 7200 words, that's how much I love you guys. Yes, I'm evil. So hoping you guys all enjoyed this chapter, it was fun to write. Lots of suuuch good stuff to come._

_Feedback? Comments?_


	10. Chapter Ten: You Gathered Wrong, I'm Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strap in, guys.

**CHAPTER TEN**

**-You Gathered Wrong, I** **’m Afraid-**

_‘Find myself picking up the pieces of me that you discarded._

_So this what they talk about when they say broken hearted._

_Thought I was a together kind of person the type who had it handled,_

_As fate would have it, I'm exploding, like a roman candle._

_And it_ _’s pretty in the sky, Such a beautiful way to die._

_But I want my sparkle back, Why does it always fade to black?’_

_-Maiday_

**-Jace-**

My resolve smashed like the fucking Titanic.

Months, fucking years of absolute resolve and determination. Alec was special, I didn’t deserve him but I somehow had his love and friendship and it was the best thing I’d ever had, so of course I couldn’t mess it up with…with whatever was wrong with me.

Resolve and dedication. Control and strength. _Restraint_. That was the fucking word. Restraining myself from touching him the way I wanted to, training myself to not want him that way. Keeping myself restrained.

‘It’s me, Jace,’ he’d said. It was Alec, it had always been Alec.

Everyone had breaking points.

* * *

_The ceremony was tomorrow and my excitement was palpable. I was jittery, almost. This was it - my last night with my soul intact, lonely in my chest with no one else in there. From tomorrow, it would never just be me again._

_Alec had finally agreed to my endless pestering and though my excitement was genuine, his was a little less so. I knew he was trying to_ seem _excited for my sake._

Probably not thrilled about shackling himself to you for all time, _I thought._

_Alec loved me, though. I knew that much. It was the greatest gift in the world and a greedy, anxious part of me was desperate to keep him, even if it meant pressuring him into the whole Parabatai thing. I_ _’d never been loved by anyone in such a way and Alec was so amazing, so cool and awesome he would inevitably find people a million times better than I was._

_This way, he would always be mine, if only in this capacity._

_‘You asleep?’_

_I grinned, throwing back the covers._ _‘No,’ I whispered. ‘Get in here!’_

_He dashed inside, graceful and silent. I made room for him on my bed and he joined me there, settling on the soft mattress nervously._

_‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, biting his lip._

_‘Great. You?’_

_‘Yeah,’ he said softly. ‘I feel great.’_

_It wasn_ _’t entirely true. ‘Alec…’ I said, trailing off because I couldn’t bring myself to be a good person and say that it was OK for him to have second thoughts. ‘This is gonna be so awesome. We’ll be connected forever! We’ll be able to fight so much better, too! You and me against the world!’_

_He swallowed, facing down. I stared at his long eyelashes, his shadowy features and viciously shoved down that pang of whatever it was I got if I stared at him without restraint._ _‘Us against the world,’ he echoed._

_‘Unless you don’t want me anymore,’ I joked, pathetically, shuddering at my use of manipulative language so he couldn’t reject the bond without rejecting me._

_‘Don’t be stupid,’ he said with a stern frown. ‘It’ll be great.’_

_I smiled._ _‘Good.’_

_‘I never understood why, though.’ I watched as he grew somewhat apprehensive again. ‘That rule about, y’know.’_

_‘No,’ I lied. ‘Which rule?’_

_‘Parabatai are forbidden from—’_

_‘Doing it?’_

_He rolled his eyes._ _‘That’s crass.’_

_‘Oh, I sincerely apologise, Sir Alexander - making love!’_

_‘That’s worse, somehow.’_

_‘Banging?’_

_‘That’s not even—’_

_‘Fucking?’_

_He flushed gently._ _‘I guess that’s the word you’d like most. I_ meant _the rule forbidding Parabatai from falling in love._ _’_

_‘Oh. I thought it was like, just fucking?’_

_Alec laughed._ _‘No, it’s the whole thing. Romantic bond.’_

_‘What does that even mean?’_

_He didn_ _’t look at me. ‘It means being in love, moron.’_

_‘I dunno,’ I countered breezily. ‘It doesn’t even specify what_ would _happen if anyone formed a romantic bond or whatever. Misery and heartbreak, the fuck is that? Like you_ _’re guaranteed to avoid that shit if you abstain? Sounds like cautionary bullshit to me.’_

_‘I guess.’_

_We had wandered into potentially gloomy territory and I wasn_ _’t entirely sure why._

_‘You devastated to never have the chance to get on me, Lightwood?’_

_My phrasing made it banter, nothing more. He cracked a grin and shot me a playfully dirty look._

_‘Yeah, I’m crying inside.’_

_‘Well, it’s our last night of freedom if you want to get it out of your system,’ I said, heart beating faster. It was only a joke, nothing more._

_Eyes narrowed suspiciously, he mildly glared._ _‘Ha ha.’_

_‘No, I’m serious,’ I went on, moving closer. ‘I mean, I am pretty irresistible, so please do what you need to.’_

_He scowled._ _‘If you’re so irresistible, how have I managed to keep my hands off you?’_

_‘No, I know, I’m only kidding,’ I said, unexpectedly hurt and scrambling to hide it._

_He softened. Alec never hurt me on purpose._ _‘You’re beautiful,’ he told me. ‘And you’re my best friend.’_

_That was enough. Plenty. More than I even deserved._ _‘You’re mine, too.’_

_‘Tomorrow we’ll be bound,’ he said closing his eyes. ‘That’s all I want.’_

_Of course he didn_ _’t want more. Angel, why was I so stupid?_

_‘Me too.’_

_‘Then get some sleep, Jace.’_

_‘I’ll try.’_

_He scooted closer._

_‘You want me to stay?’_

_I rested my head on his shoulder._ _‘Always.’_

* * *

His hands were in my hair, the door handle digging into my side and as he moved forward and I had nowhere to back away into anymore. He pressed himself against me and I was drowning in his eyes. The eyes of everything I’d ever wanted, the man I loved more than I knew how to verbalise.

My soul, my Alec.

He wanted it, he wanted me. He was begging me for this.

It was too much.

I smashed my mouth to his, pulling him down onto me and he shoved me back against the door. The kiss was deep and sliding. He made noises; raw, guttural sounds from his throat and I swallowed them hungrily. I touched him wherever I could, wanting more of him than I could hold. His neck, chest, shoulders; I needed him closer.

He drew back and caught his breath, pupils blown wide.

‘Tell me you love me,’ he breathed. ‘Say it.’

I could barely stand upright, I was so dizzy. ‘I love you, Alec,’ I said, clutching at his shoulders. ‘I love you so much.’

It wasn’t enough, he wanted more.

‘Please,’ he begged.

I closed my eyes, shaking. ‘I’m in love with you.’

He groaned, fisting my shirt and pulling me to him. ‘Say it again.’

‘I’m in love with you,’ I said, voice cracking. ‘I always have been.’

Alec bent enough to grab me under the ass and haul me up, slamming me into the door, hard. I wrapped my legs around him as our mouths reconnected, devouring like we could shed our skins if we kissed hard enough.

‘You’re mine,’ he said between kisses. _‘Mine_ , Jace.’

I threw my head back as he trailed his mouth wetly down my neck, eyes closed against the torrent of emotions pounding through me. ‘Yes,’ I gasped. ‘Yours, Alec, always yours.’

With trembling hands, I yanked my shirt off and he paused long enough to take in the sight of me. ‘You’re so beautiful,’ he praised reverently. ‘Look at you, so fucking perfect.’

The world tilted and my eyes rolled back a little. ‘Oh, fuck.’

He caught it, smiling wickedly before he reclaimed my lips with wet, possessive kisses. ‘You’re gorgeous,’ he said, briefly sucking my lower lip into his mouth. ‘Do you know how long I’ve wanted you?’

‘H-how long?’

‘Forever,’ he said, staring into my eyes. ‘I’ve wanted you forever. You drive me crazy ‘cause I’ve been in love with for fucking _ever_ and I had to pretend that you weren’t all I ever wanted.’

I needed him inside me, verging on desperately. I fumbled with his belt, yanking it open but he took my hands away and I froze, terrified he was about to say we shouldn’t have done this, it was a mistake.

He murmured, ‘Bed.’

Still carrying me, he walked us over to his bed and dropped me carefully, pressing a burning kiss to my lips, slanting his mouth over mine as his hands roamed the planes of my chest, skirting down to my hipbones and tracing circles there, tantalisingly close to where I wanted them.

‘You’re amazing,’ he whispered, lips against my skin as he kissed a trail down the centre of my chest. ‘I’ve never loved anything like I love you.’

‘Fuck,’ I moaned, experiencing a blend of frustrated inertia and squirming delight at the attention he was giving me. ‘Kiss me again.’

He obliged, kissing me deeply and straddling me, holding my wrists, just like when we were sparring.

‘I wanted to fuck you then,’ he murmured, apparently reading my mind. ‘Right in front of everyone. So hard for me to stay away from you, baby, always controlling myself.’

‘I know the feeling,’ I said, swallowing hard as he unbuckled my belt and slid it out smoothly.

‘Do you? Tell me.’

I shook my head, turning away a little but he gave me no room to withdraw. He leaned over me, one hand running through my hair and the other sliding down underneath my jeans and over my cock.

‘Tell me, Jace.’

It was hard to breathe, fucking hard to stay _conscious_ my head was spinning so much. The pleasure was pulsing, flooding me with delirium and heat. Getting everything I’d ever dreamed about was too much.

‘Always stopped myself from kissing you,’ I told him, mouth open and panting a little, eyes still firmly closed. ‘Touching you.’

He ground the heel of his palm against the length of my cock, biting and then suckling on my earlobe. ‘When?’

‘Any t-time you were close,’ I stuttered. ‘Fucking always, Alec.’

‘Why did you refrain?’

I looked at him, our noses touching. ‘You know why.’

He withdrew his hand and moved so he could slowly grind his cock over mine, lips hovering as he repeated the motion and began to drive me insane.

‘Never again,’ he said. ‘You understand? You’re mine and I am yours. No barriers.’

‘Alec, please,’ I begged.

‘You want me to fuck you?’

‘Yes, yes, fuck!’

‘Ask nicely.’

Frustration and impatience crackled. I flipped us over and kissed him messily, making short work of his belt and shoving his trousers down, pants too.

His eyes flashed, biting his wet and swollen bottom lip. I kissed his jaw, his neck, his chest. I dragged my teeth over his nipple, revelling in the way he arched his back up but I didn’t linger there long.

His cock was fucking perfect and I’d never wanted anything so much. I didn’t hesitate, placed my mouth over it and hollowed my cheeks, gripping the base and I swirled my tongue over the head.

He swore violently, throwing an arm over his eyes. He tasted amazing, I could have sucked him off all night. I ran my tongue over the head every time I came up, making it as slick and wet as I could.

‘Fuck, fucking yes, right there, ahhh, Jace!’

I took him deep, controlling the automatic reflex and letting him fuck into my mouth. I was painfully hard at this point. He was everywhere, filling my senses. This couldn’t be real.

‘Stop, wait,’ he said, pushing me away. ‘Can’t come yet.’

He was so far gone, his eyes almost black with overblown pupils, his control in tatters. Our mouths clashed forcefully, lips sucking and teeth biting. Frantic hands went to work removing clothes, removing anything between us. Our joined soul screamed for more contact, _deeper_ contact. Kissing the entire time, only when we were both naked and flush against one another did he reach a fumbling hand into his nightstand for lube.

He drizzled it clumsily onto his fingers, making a mess. He quickly resumed attacking my mouth desperately and pressed one long finger into me, shallow at first and careful, but speeding up as he fucked me with it.

‘C’mon,’ I pleased, arching up. ‘Fuck me, Alec!’

‘Not yet,’ he insisted, adding another finger. My mouth fell open, my nervous system consumed with the aching, fiery burn as he penetrated and stretched me. ‘Fuck, so beautiful, wanna suck you.’

He moved to go down, but I stopped him.

‘I’ll come the second you do,’ I warned. ‘Wanna come with you inside me.’

‘OK,’ he breathed, reaching for the lube again.

‘No, I’m ready. Fuck me, Alec, please.’

‘Jace—’

 _‘Please_.’

He kissed me deeply, tongue twining with mine as he lined up his leaking cock to my ass and slowly, carefully pushed inside.

I couldn’t help but make noises, the pain was as intense as the pleasure. He pressed his forehead to mine, breathing raggedly as he fought to control himself and not plough into me the way I knew he wanted to.

Well, fuck that.

I shifted my weight down, fucking myself onto him in one motion.

‘Ahhh, fuck!’

It was painful, the stretch was almost unbearable and he was fucking huge, but he was inside me. He was _inside me_ and the world didn’t implode, the sky didn’t fall.

The feeling was astonishing, fucking _transcendent._ It shook me to the core, struck me hard and showed me, _look, see? This is what you and he could have been doing all this time._

I felt our bond, at last. It was electric heat, a twisting all-consuming love between the two shapes who shared the same soul.

‘F-fuck,’ I gasped, clinging to him, fingers digging into his arms. ‘Do you feel it?’

‘I feel you,’ he said, fucking _wrecked_ and when we made eye contact it was like I was going to come just from seeing him feel us like this. ‘Love you,’ he gasped, sweat beading on his brow as he traced my lips with his thumb. ‘So much.’

‘Move, Alec,’ I told him. ‘Fuck me.’

He rolled his hips, slowly and experimentally. This was his first time, I had to remind myself. I was taking his fucking virginity. I was the first, I would always be his first.

The pain and the burn were melting away, my nervous system alight with ecstasy and emotion.

‘More,’ I said, reached down to grip his ass cheeks and make him move the way I needed him to. ‘Harder!’

He started to fuck me in earnest and I couldn’t control the noises I was making. It got so loud that he had to clamp his hand over my mouth.

Hot, voltaic bliss was building, unlike anything I’d ever felt. It was in every molecule in my body, every time he fucked into me it became more intense. I was going to fucking explode. I would have been screaming if his hand wasn’t over my mouth. He made short, deep little noises, emotionally ruined and verging on crying.

‘Say you love me,’ he panted, fucking me so hard and fast I was almost detached from my body. He moved his hand from my mouth, eyes screwed tight shut. I fisted his hair, dragging his mouth down over mine, holding him a hair’s breadth from my lips.

‘Love you,’ I managed to say, each staccato breath punched out in the rhythm of him fucking me. ‘Always, ohhh _fuck_ , Alec!’

It was coming. This monstrous, colossal orgasm that had been brewing and coiling inside me since the moment we’d first kissed.

‘Come for me, baby.’

It swelled, expanded and fucking _erupted._ He hadn’t even touched my cock.

The orgasm tore through me, wrenching every emotion and feeling I’d ever repressed and smashing it together with the best feeling in the world. It was too much to bear. A sound ripped from my throat so loud I was sure he would put his hand over my mouth again, but he covered it with his own instead

His hips faltered, slamming _hard_ as he came inside me. _I felt it._ I felt him coming inside me, felt the rapture as it flooded through him.

We were connected, we were one.

He kissed me through the entirety of his orgasm, we were so tangled up in each other I was certain we could never part again.

He slowed and finally stopped, collapsing onto me. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing his neck and whatever else I could reach. Before I had to tell him to roll over because he was crushing me, he pushed up enough to do so of his own volition, but he didn’t go far.

He captured my face in his hands, eyes heavy lidded and still panting softly.

‘I fucking love you,’ he said, thumbs brushing away tear tracks I didn’t even realise were there. ‘You’re…you’re _everything_.’

‘I know the feeling,’ I told him without any hint of humour. I felt stripped and exposed, but there was no insecurity or regret. Here I was and he still wanted me. ‘I love you so much.’

We kissed again, gentle and exhausted.

‘You’ll stay?’ he asked, dragging covers from the floor and pulling them over us.

‘Of course,’ I said. ‘I just wanna, y’know…clean up a little?’

He lay back on the pillow, arms out like a starfish and closed his eyes. ‘OK.’

‘You don’t?’

He cracked one eye. ‘Can’t move,’ he slurred. ‘Never moving again.’

I sighed happily and reached for my discarded t-shirt and used it to wipe his sticky, sated cock and then tossed it back on the floor.

‘You’re the best,’ he said, but he was already pretty much asleep. ‘Don’t be long.’

I padded naked and barefoot to his bathroom, grabbing my jeans from the floor and fishing out my phone. In the bathroom, I ran the tap and splashed water on my face, cleaning myself up with a damp hand towel.

‘You just had sex with Alec,’ I quietly told myself in the mirror. The evidence was overwhelming. Bites and marks, places he’d nipped the skin and held me tightly, gripped with his hands. The reality was almost impossible to reconcile, though. My mind was wrecked, heart hammering and I had never felt like this; so shaky and fragile because I was so, _so_ _…happy._

It hadn’t just been sex, or even _just_ the best sex of my entire life. It was love. He was in love with me.

Alec was in love with me.

‘Fuck,’ I said, but I couldn’t help smiling a fraction. Part of me wanted to laugh, I was high on adrenaline and endorphins.

I decided to have a shower, then I would crawl into bed with him and watch him sleep until I couldn’t stay awake any more. Feeling so light I could have floated away, I quickly checked my phone before turning on the shower.

Two missed calls from Izzy and four messages. 

**Got results, call me.**

**Call me when you get this.**

**Jace, call me ASAP. I** **’m in the lab, it’s urgent. Can’t come to you if you’re with Alec, please call me back.**

**Are you OK?**

Fuck.

I called her, pushing down the sick feeling of guilt for not answering. It rang once before she answered.

_‘Are you all right?’_

‘I’m fine, sorry I didn’t answer.’

_‘Oh, thank the Angel, I was worried Jace, fucking hell answer your phone when I call! I couldn’t come to you in case he was there!’_

‘Why not?’

 _‘The tests, Jace!’_ she said impatiently. ‘ _You need to get here now. We_ _’re in the lab. Don’t tell Alec, OK?’_

‘What, is something wrong?’

_‘Now, Jace.’_

* * *

I left Alec sleeping in his bed and met Izzy where she requested, having dressed quickly, having to wear Alec’s shirt, hoping nothing was especially obvious. The entire way there, I felt sick.

Simon, Clary and Sebastian were there as well and Luke arrived a few seconds after I did, before I could even ask what was happening.

Izzy looked me up and down with a worrying frown. ‘Where’s Alec?’

‘Asleep, I think,’ I said, wrapping my arms about myself. ‘What is it?’

‘You should listen to Luke,’ Clary said.

I glanced at him, worry and fear gnawing at the edges of my temper. ‘OK?’

‘The others from the warehouse, they’ve been exhibiting symptoms of something other than drug weaning,’ he said unhappily. ‘Two of them have been hospitalised. Another was arrested up for killing his wife.’

‘ _What?_ _’_

 _‘_ They’re not themselves,’ Clary said, shaking her head. ‘I’ve seen them, spoken to them. The guy who killed his wife, he was a paramedic. Saved more lives than any of us.’

Sebastian indicated to the equipment they had obviously been using. ‘Alec’s blood didn’t seem to contain much out of the ordinary, but upon closer inspection there’s reason to believe the drug has taken up residence in his system.’

‘Meaning?’

‘The drug is certainly not gone,’ Izzy said darkly. ‘It’s hiding in his cells.’

‘Be more clear, please,’ I requested because none of this was making any sense or maybe I just didn’t want it to.

‘I can smell it in his blood,’ Simon said, indicating to the sample I’d given Izzy. ‘It’s there, like a warning.’

The vampire who spit his blood out, but no, that wasn’t…fuck.

I gripped my arms tightly, holding myself together. ‘So, what is it? What is it doing to him?’

Sebastian sighed, throwing a quick glance at Izzy before speaking. ‘It’s causing a split.’

‘A split?’

‘Yes. In simple terms, light and dark, warm and cold, but it’s much more complicated than that. People are complicated and so the split affects everyone differently.’

I blinked slowly. ‘Izzy, tell me what it is,’ I asked, because everyone else was fucking tiptoeing.

‘Nearest we can tell, it brings out the dormant side of the host. The dark side of the moon.’

Her words echoed in my mind. They would echo there forever.

‘So, Alec isn’t himself, that’s what you’re saying?’

‘He’s split,’ she said, eyes glistening a little. ‘It _is_ Alec, but not the side we would ever normally see.’

I looked down, nodding. ‘So…what? He’s dark? Evil?’

‘We don’t know,’ Sebastian admitted. ‘We don’t know what his dark, or dormant side entails.’

‘Do you have any…ideas?’ Clary asked hesitantly. ‘You’re the closest to him, Jace.’

My mind was slow and sluggish, like a defence mechanism.

‘Ideas about what? This isn’t right, Alec isn’t murdering people or hurting anyone, OK? I’ve been with him the entire time since he’s been back!’

Looking pained, Izzy said, ‘You’re denying he seems different?’

‘Of course he’s different, how many times do I have to say what he’s been through?’

‘Alec would never yell at Mom like that.’

‘Maybe she had it coming!’

‘You don’t believe that,’ she said and I couldn’t bear the implication because she had noticed I was wearing his shirt. ‘Jace, he’s not himself.’

I was about to deny it some more, when the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks.

‘Oh God,’ I breathed, blood running cold. ‘No.’

Clary seemed concerned. ‘What is it?’

How could I not see it? I was so stupid. So fucking pathetic and stupid and naive. _My_ Alec would never do that. Would never be interested. Would _never_ …

‘Oh no, no, please.’

‘Jace,’ Izzy said and when I looked at her, I saw the tears in her eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’

I was thunderstruck, the cruel and icy reality settling and utterly destroying me. It wasn’t Alec. It was the fucking drug and _of course_ it was.

Alec would never, _ever_ do that with me.

It. Wasn’t. Him.

My knees gave out. Izzy caught me and held me as I began to cry.

‘Leave,’ she told the others.

The world was imploding.

The sky was falling.

What had I done?

* * *

_They were on a date, a fucking date? Really? Alec got to go out to a swanky little restaurant with pretentious wine and bread or whatever the fuck and have Magnus swoon all over him all night._

_Fucking bullshit._

_It wasn’t jealousy, no sir. I was just…disgruntled? Displaced?_

_It was their first proper date and I had almost convinced myself it wasn’t even going to happen. Alec and Magnus clearly had some kind of chemistry together, but Alec had never seemed like he was even interested in dates and wine and bread._

_Who went to a restaurant, anyway? What was wrong with fucking in the alley behind the club? Fucking Magnus Bane thinking he ruled the world._

_Sang’s was packed with sweaty, heaving bodies. I would doubtlessly find one to fuck soon and then I’d feel better. I downed another tequila and looked around at the dancefloor, scanning for decent looking women._

_‘What you’re actually doing,’ I told myself, out loud. ‘Is scanning for a girl who looks like Alec, you fucking loser.’_

_‘Sorry?’_

_There was apparently someone standing right next to me at the bar. I turned and for a moment, I thought it_ was _Alec. I was drunk, but not enough to be fooled for more than a second though. This guy was super tall, dark haired and pretty decent looking._

_‘Huh,’ I said, wondering if this was one of those Meant-To-Be things. I was only halfway to being fall-down-drunk at this point and it was prime time for magical thinking. ‘No, nothing – just talking to myself.’_

_I gave him my best Seductive-Jace smile and leaned against the bar._

_Less than ten minutes later we were in an empty stall and my jeans were around my ankles. He was sucking my cock, doing a pretty great job too. I looked down at him and tried to pretend it was really Alec. Alec on his knees, Alec_ wanting _me enough to be on his knees, mouth on me…_

_I came embarrassingly fast._

_He stood up, spat down the toilet and wiped his mouth, grinning. ‘Can I fuck you? I promise. I’ll be quick.’_

_I turned around, facing the wall. Alec wasn’t here, he would never be here. He was with Magnus on a perfect little date that definitely didn’t involve toilets._

_Fuck it._

_‘Sure,’ I said, closing my eyes. ‘Can I…?’_

_‘I’ve got condoms,’ the guy said._

_‘That’s great, can I call you Alec?’_

_He laughed. ‘Ass like that? Call me whatever you want.’_

* * *

Time passed. When I couldn’t cry anymore, Izzy explained what we needed to do and I just wanted to die.

‘It’s the only way to help him,’ she said, pushing my hair back, so similar to the way Alec had done mere hours before.

‘I know,’ I said flatly. ‘It’s just gonna be…difficult. He’s asleep right now. Can’t we just leave him there and do this in the morning?’

‘It’s too risky, we don’t know the full extent of what he _is_ with this drug in control.’

‘We know he’s making terrible decisions,’ I said, voice hollow.

‘Jace, don’t do this to yourself.’

‘Why not? I’m _disgusting,_ Izzy. How could I not have seen it? How could I not have known? It’s like I... violated him.’

The words tore me into piece and I felt the sting of fresh tears in my nose.

‘No,’ she insisted sternly. ‘Jace, he’s been in love with you for years, you can’t think like that!’

I couldn’t hear it, her pity and comfort. I wouldn’t hear it.

‘Please, don’t.’

‘What can I do?’ she asked.

I laughed bitterly. ‘Kill me?’

‘Jace,’ she warned, low and serious. ‘I know this hurts, but you need to be strong for Alec, OK? Sebastian said this could easily go sideways and he might stay this way forever if we don’t contain him.’

I took a shaky breath. ‘Fine. No one else is involved, OK? We keep this in-house and no one breathes a word outside of our circle.’

‘Absolutely, _all_ of this stays secret.’

She meant what Alec and I had done, of course. Or what I had done _to_ Alec. What if he’d been watching the whole thing from inside, screaming to stop?

If the Clave wanted to de-rune me, they could. Let them fucking execute me for all I cared. But first, I owed it to Alec to get him back.

‘No involving Magnus, either,’ I said. ‘Not until I’ve contained him at least.’

‘We don’t know his mental state, we don’t know if he’s only been playing nice up until now. ‘Magnus is the only one who _can_ contain him, Jace.’

‘No,’ I said, forcing myself to stand. ‘He’s really not.’

* * *

When I got back into the room, he wasn’t in bed. I heard the shower and cursed my own luckless existence. It would have been so much easier if he was still asleep.

‘Jace?’ he called out, shutting the water off.

‘Yeah, it’s me.’

‘Is everything OK?’

He emerged from the bathroom, drying his hair and absolutely naked. He didn’t seem to care, at all. It took my breath away, quite literally.

‘Whoa!’ I said laughing nervously. ‘You’re X-rated, Lightwood!’

‘I felt something,’ he said, ignoring my pathetic joke. ‘What happened?’

‘You felt…what did you feel?’

‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged, dropping the towel and opening a drawer for fresh clothes. ‘Felt like you were upset so I figured sleep wasn’t exactly on the horizon. Is there trouble?’

‘Yeah,’ I said, and holy _fuck_ the bond was obviously way stronger than before if he could feel things this accurately ‘We need to suit up.’

He yanked on a t-shirt. ‘What is it?’

‘Not sure yet, but we need to do a sweep downtown.’

He looked at me, not blinking. I did everything I could not to panic.

‘Jace, what’s wrong?’

I rubbed my face, like I was tired. ‘Won’t know until we’ve seen it, but best guess from Clary is that there’s a lead on a shipment of DOM coming in early this morning.’

‘You don’t feel right,’ he said, eyes narrowed slightly. ‘What is it?’

‘I just…’ I said, turning away.

‘You don’t regret what happened, do you?’ His voice was deadly, like if I said yes, he would seriously lose his mind.

‘No, it’s not that,’ I said, trying to keep myself in control. ‘I just keep thinking how difficult it’s gonna be not to touch you in front of people now.’

‘We’ve managed it for years.’

‘I never knew how it would be though,’ I told him, eyes closed. ‘I never knew it would be like this.’

From behind, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder.

‘You don’t have to worry about anything anymore,’ he promised. ‘I’m going to take care of you. If we need to leave, we’ll leave.’

‘Leave?’

‘It would be better if we did, really. I’m never going to be able to control myself around you, not when you’re so fucking beautiful.’

I swallowed hard, blinking back tears.

‘Whatever you think is best.’

His arms tightened, his mouth moving over my neck. ‘Really? I was expecting a big fight.’

‘I love you so much.’

He froze. ‘Jace, what—’

The handcuff clicked into place over his wrist. He yanked it hard, but the other was already attached to my own hand.

‘What the fuck?’

‘I’m so sorry.’

He looked angry, betrayed even. ‘Don’t do this.’

I wiped away tears with my free hand. ‘I have to.’

‘Why?’ he demanded. ‘What have I done?’

‘Don’t play with me,’ I warned.

Teeth bared, he snarled, ‘What is it you think you know, huh? Sebastian been running his mouth? Izzy saying how _unlike myself_ I am?’

‘They tested your blood, I asked them to.’

Now he really did look betrayed. ‘How could you do that to me?’

‘Because you’re _not him_!’

‘I am Alec, I’m just free.’

‘No, it’s the drug.’

‘You fucking idiot! You’re so blinded by what everyone has told you, you can’t even see what’s right in front of you!’

‘You’re not Alec.’

He viciously pulled me to him, gripping my hair. ‘YES, I AM!’

I didn’t fight back. ‘Alec would never hurt me.’

‘I’ve hurt you plenty, Jace!’

‘Alec would never want me like that.’

Disgusted, he shoved me back releasing his painful grip on my hair. ‘You’re pathetic!’ he screamed. ‘I love you more than anything, you are all I want in this world! How dare you use this as an excuse to convince yourself it wasn’t real, because it was, Jace! Every moment I was inside you was real!’

‘But it wasn’t _him!_ _’_

‘You’re so in love with your version of me, aren’t you? Your dutiful Parabatai, self-sacrificing and fucking _perfect_ ,’ he spat. ‘You have any idea how soul destroying it is to go through my life like that? Denying what I want, putting myself last, saving everyone!’ A sneer twisted his mouth. ‘Maybe what really upsets you, _Jonathon_ , is that you can’t be sure if I really am Alec or not. If I’m not, then great - you can go back to pretending we’re friends and that this whole thing was some weird alter-ego possession! But that’s not what this is.’

He tipped his chin, staring at me with loathing.

‘I _am_ Alec Lightwood and this time, you’ve really fucked up. No matter what happens, no matter what you do to tear out the little bit of freedom I have inside me…I will never forgive you for this! I might pretend like I do, like it’s all fine but you’ll know, deep down, I’ll never, ever forgive you.’

Two tears rolled down my face, chest tight as I took everything he had to say. The pain his words inflicted was absolute, that was his intention of course.

The bedroom door burst open and Izzy came inside aiming a tranq gun right at him. Before he could even say anything, she fired the shot and the dart hit him squarely in the shoulder.

The effect was instant and I caught him as his eyes rolled back and he collapsed. Carefully, I laid him out, making sure he wasn’t hurt.

‘You OK?’ Izzy asked, kneeling beside me.

‘No,’ I said, staring down at him. ‘I don’t think so.’

* * *

We took him to the new apartment. It was essential to get him out of the Institute as soon as possible before anyone could question what the hell was happening. With Luke and Clary’s help, we got him there and managed to restrain him with Magnus’s help. The Warlock created an invisible barrier around the area of floor where we placed him and drew a soundproofing glamour around the entire apartment.

‘You should have called me sooner,’ Magnus said quietly when I thanked him. ‘I care about him, I could have helped.’

‘You already have and I didn’t want you to be have to see him like this.’

He sighed, staring at Alec’s still form on the carpet.

‘This is going to be tough,’ he said. ‘You know that, don’t you?’

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘He’s going to pretend to be Alec again so you’ll let him out.’

‘I know.’

‘He’ll manipulate you and do everything he can think of to get more of that drug and it’ll tear you apart, Jace.’

‘I know, Magnus.’

He didn’t seem pleased, but relented and summoned a portal.

‘Call me if you need anything else,’ he said. ‘I’ll check in when I can.’

‘Thank you, again.’

He nodded and walked through the magic.

Izzy came out of the small kitchen, having unpacked the supplies Clary brought for us, mostly food. ‘We should take it in shifts,’ she said heavily. ‘That way we can cover for each other back at the Institute.’

‘I’ll take first shift,’ I offered, but she immediately shook her head, frowning.

‘When have you last slept?’

I couldn’t remember. Two days ago? ‘I’m fine.’

‘We have to keep the cover in place,’ she said, hands on hips. ‘Go back, try and sleep or we’re fucked, Jace.’

‘I can’t sleep, Izzy. There’s no way.’

She took my hand. ‘You’ll sleep, I promise. Please just try.’

‘OK, I’ll try for a few hours, but that’s it.’

‘That’s all I ask.’

‘Fine. Call me if he wakes, promise?’

‘I promise. The dart will knock him out for at least eight hours. You need to gather your strength.’ We both look at Alec, sleeping soundly. ‘Magnus is right, this is going to be hell.’

* * *

_A/N - I'm so nervous about this chapter, I rewrote it a lot and I hope the final product is as good as what I was aiming for. Sex scenes are so tricky for me! Take pity on me and tell me what you thought of it! So hoping you guys enjoyed it._


	11. Chapter Eleven: I Can’t Bear to See You Hurting if I'm Not The Cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With little else to do but talk, Alec inflicts pain through words and Jace makes another bad decision. This chapter is dialogue heavy.

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

**\- I Can’t Bear to See You Hurting If I’m Not the Cause -**

_‘He used to call me poison, Like I was poison ivy._

_I could've died right then, 'Cause he was right beside me._

_Jim raised me up, He hurt me but it felt like true love. J_

_im taught me that, Loving him was never enough._

_This is ultraviolence._

_Ultraviolence, ultraviolence, ultraviolence._

_I can hear sirens, sirens._

_He hit me and it felt like a kiss._

_I can hear violins, violins,_

_Give me all of that ultraviolence._ _’_

_-Lana Del Rey_

**\- Jace -**

‘You know what I like about Izzy?’

‘What?’

‘She knows her place.’

‘Way above us and kicking ass, you mean?’

‘That’s kind of you but no, I mean she knows when to leave. Clary never got that. I remember when you first met her and _urgh_ , that girl does not know when to go the fuck away.’

‘Do you think that upsets me?’

Alec shrugged, leaning against the wall where he sat, looking pretty comfortable.

‘No, but it gets under your skin.’

‘Maybe you don’t know me that well.’

He grinned, knowingly. ‘ _Baby_ , I know you better than anyone alive. I was inside you years before I was _inside you_.’

I sat on the floor opposite him, legs stretched out. My three hours of sleep last night were tormented by nightmares and anxiety, to the point where I’d have been better off not even trying.

‘You’re chatty when you’re evil, huh?’

He rested his head against the wall, eyes closed. ‘Oh, so now I’m evil?’

‘Do you think you’re good?’

‘I think you’re a little under-qualified to discuss the concepts of good and evil.’

‘Oh? Dazzle me, won’t you?’

‘You know, you’re pretty chatty too,’ he pointed out lightly. ‘Usually you’re drunk when you talk this much. I’m surprised you didn’t just go out last night and get wasted, actually. Unlike you to face a tragedy sober.’

‘So this is what you’re going to do? Keep hurting me and cutting me open with words, ‘cause that’s all you’ve got?’

‘Why not? You did it to me for years.’

‘I’ve never—

He pouted, making a sad face. ‘ _No, Alec! Don_ _’t go! Don’t leave me when I’m drunk, you have to stay with me and talk to me all night!’_ He mimicked me in a high, insincere falsetto _._ _‘And while we stay up, let’s talk about everything! About how insecure I am, how I worry I’ll turn into Valentine without noticing it, how I feel numb when fucking nameless girls and of course, how you’ll always be my bestest friend-zone friend ever!’_

‘No one made you stay.’

‘I stayed because I loved you more than anything.’

The past tense hurt. 

‘Oh, was that too much?’ he asked, opening his eyes and most likely sensing my pain. ‘Too raw for you, Jonathon?’

‘Don’t call me that.’

‘Why not? You won’t call me Alec.’

‘You’re not Alec.’

‘I remember every moment of my life as Alec Lightwood, so what does that make me?’

I shifted my legs. ‘You’re not him.’

‘We can play this game if you want.’

‘I don’t want to play any games.’

‘Let’s see, how about when you cried on the roof and asked me to raise a baby with you? That was a corker, for sure.’ My jaw clenched and he smiled, triumphant. ‘You see? I’ve hurt you plenty in the past, you just don’t acknowledge it.’

‘You… _he_ wanted to protect me.’

‘It was Izzy too,’ he said. ‘We both knew you had to be protected, as you put it, from your own shocking naivety. Cleaning up your messes, as always. How about the time Clary rejected your ass? That was a fun month spent watching you mope and sulk.’

‘Wow, so much for loving me, huh?’

He raised an eyebrow, expression flat. ‘No one’s making you stay.’

‘You need to be watched.’

‘So watch from the kitchen, you don’t have to sit in here and talk to me.’

After a moment, I quietly said, ‘Where else would I be, if not here?’

‘Well, you could be bottoming for Declan or playing house with Alyssa.’

‘It’s only a matter of time before the drug leaves your system.’

‘I feel fine. Maybe I don’t even need the drug. Maybe this feeling is permanent.’ He leaned forward a little. ‘What would you do if it was?’

‘It’s not.’

‘Humour me?

I looked away. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Would you avoid me for years? Travel and mope some more? How long before you came back to me on your hands and knees begging for forgiveness?’

‘I have nothing to be forgiven for.’

‘Well, you would see it like that, wouldn’t you?’

‘Alec would see it that way too.’

‘I don’t. I see that I showed you my true feelings and instead of accepting them, you decided I’m possessed and went running for help from the others instead of talking to me.’

‘I should have seen it before.’

‘Poor, broken little Jonathon. Can’t actually get what he wants, that’s _impossible_!’

Anger prickled up the back of my neck. ‘Don’t call me that!’

‘Or what? You’ll lock me up? Threaten to destroy my happiness? Fuck you!’

A bitter silence grew between us until he turned to face the window, eyes glassy.

‘Why did you go to Alyssa?’

‘I just wanted to talk to her.’

‘About what?’

I scowled mildly. ‘None of your business.’

‘Ironic, considering I’m fairly sure you went there to talk about me.’

‘Way to live up to the evil stereotype by following me.’

‘I’m not evil,’ he said, staring out at the sunny day. ‘I don’t want to kill anyone or hurt people.’

‘But you don’t care about them.’

‘Not especially, no.’

‘That, above all else, proves you’re not Alec.’

‘Maybe I’m just tired, Jace,’ he said softly. ‘Tired of saving the world, tired of protecting them.’

‘It’s what we do.’

‘And it’s tiring. I don’t feel like a twenty-one year old, that’s for sure.’

‘You can’t deny you’re not who you were a few days ago, be honest.’

He looked at me. ‘Is that really what you want?’

‘Yes.’

‘The truth is, I am Alec, _but,_ _’_ he added quickly before I could roll my eyes. ‘I don’t get to drive much, you see? I don’t really understand it myself, but I’m not an impostor.’

It was the first thing he’d said that rang even slightly true, but my suspicions were deeply rooted and impossible to ignore. ‘So you’re like, an impulse? Some dark place in Alec’s mind.’

‘It’s hard for you to accept that I’m him, isn’t it?’ he said knowingly. ‘You need to separate it, the before and after. I get that, it’s cleaner than way. But if we’re going for honesty, that’s not how it is. I’m the part of Alec that gets shoved to the back of his mind. I am every needy desire and dark sense of longing he’s ever had and repressed.’

‘There’s no part of Alec that’s dark.’

Trademark Lightwood Eye-roll.

‘You only see the moon as it faces you, bright and shining. There’s another side, Jace.’

‘And that’s you, is it?’

‘I think so.’

‘So then why don’t you hate me? If you’re Alec’s flipside—’

‘There is no part of me that could ever hate you,’ he said like it was obvious. ‘No part of me that doesn’t love you, despite what you did and despite what you’ve put me through over the years. Every part of me, even the worst parts, loves you completely.’

I flushed a little, unprepared for such a statement. Looking down at my hands, I tried to keep myself even. ‘Manipulative behaviour, not really your forte.’

‘It’s easier for you to dismiss it, I suppose, but I’m not your falcon, Jace.’ My eyes snapped to his. ‘Keeping me at arm’s length won’t protect me. You and I both know how we feel now. How are you ever going to go back to friendly back-slaps and playful banter? Are you going to let me pick you up from the club after fucking some slut in the toilet? You going to watch me go through my whole life alone because there will never be anyone I love as much as you?’

‘It was a mistake.’

‘The only mistake was fucking you there, in the Institute. I should have brought you here, destroyed your phone, kept you closer.’

‘Kidnapped me?’

‘Protected you from the truth, like I always do.’

I tapped my fingers against my thigh. ‘So, how often does he…do _you_ lie to me, then?’

‘It depends on what shitstorm you’ve gotten into, but fairly often.’

‘I don’t need to be protected.’

‘Au contraire, mon coeur.’

‘You don’t get to decide that.’

‘Who does? Who loves you more than I do?’

‘That doesn’t mean lying to me.’

‘That’s _exactly_ what it means and you know it. Love isn’t some saccharine fairy tale, it isn’t perfect goodness. It’s a series of moment and the choices we make in those moments. I have all those moments inside me, every time I made the decision to stay with you, knowing how hurt I would be but not caring. Every time I put your happiness ahead of my own.’

‘And what about me? Do I get to make any of these grand decisions?’

‘Like you haven’t already.’

‘Name one.’

He sighed. ‘How’d you find me, Jace?’

My heart caught in my throat. ‘What?’

‘How did you get to me in that place? The barrier was masking the bond. There’s no way you could have found me without help. It wasn’t Magnus, he’d have been with you if he could, so would the others if it was just magic or a rune. How did you find me?’

He looked like he already knew, but I maintained a cool expression.

‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand the way we’re connected or how the bond works.’

‘Now who’s the liar? See, you did what you did to save me. You put me above yourself and made a decision. That’s love, isn’t it?’ His eyes were so intense, rarely blinking. ‘What did you give up for me?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Come on, Valentine trained you to lie better than that. If I’m not even your precious Alec, what’s to be lost in telling me?’

‘I didn’t give up anything, but I would have. I’d have done anything to get to you sooner.’

‘It must be pretty big if you’re _still_ trying to protect me from knowing it. Do you know how much it eats away at me, not knowing? I mean, did you sign away your soul? Cut your life expectancy in half, _what_?’

I kept my lips pressed together, expression flat.

‘You betray us both,’ he said softly, looking away once more. ‘I know you’re lying. I can feel it in the bond, Jace.’

‘Why…’ I swallowed. ‘Why is it stronger than before? I could barely even feel you before last night.’

‘I assume the drug was interfering in our bond.’

‘Was?’

‘Not anymore.’

‘Because of what we did?’

‘Yes. It’s why you can feel me and I can feel you, more so than before and it’s getting stronger.’

That part he wasn’t lying about.

‘Maybe it’ll wear off after a while.’

‘Does being Parabatai wear off? Idiot.’

‘Well, _you_ _’ll_ wear off eventually.’

‘Maybe, but I’ll always be here in some form, even if I get relegated again.’

I felt so tired. ‘You really believe you’re him?’

He returned his gaze to me. ‘When you get drunk, are you still you?’

‘To an extent.’

‘You’re still Jace, just without the inhibitions and insecurities that weigh you down when you’re sober.’

‘I’ve seen Alec drunk. This isn’t it.’

‘Even drunk, I could still feel the weight of the world around my neck. This is different.’

‘Tell me.’

‘Why, so you can invalidate it?’

‘There’s nothing else to do but talk, why not tell me?’

‘Why don’t you come in here and let me fuck you some more? That’s a good way to pass time.’

It was a cold thing to say and I knew it came from a place of genuine hurt.

‘When you said we should leave did you really mean it?’

He frowned. ‘Of course.’

‘Why?’

‘So we could be together, obviously.’

‘Why would we need to leave?’

‘The Clave. Judgement from Mom and Dad and of course, the wonderful moment when you managed to twist all of this around and make it something bad. That was what I hoped to avoid most. Then again, even I didn’t think it would be this fast. That’s just how damaged you are.’

‘I’m sorry I let this happen,’ I said, tears stinging a little because, fuck that hurt too. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t know it wasn’t you.’

‘Save your pity. I’m over it.’

‘I’ll get you through this, no matter what.’

‘That’s why you’re sitting here, taking all my verbal abuse? You think you’re helping?’

‘You hurting me doesn’t mean I love you any less.’

‘You love me, do you, Jonathon?’

I twitched a little at the name, but let it go without comment. ‘I do.’

‘So, you’re not going to deny that you’re _in_ love with me?’

‘I don’t want to talk about this.’

‘Why not? You didn’t mind talking about it while you took my virginity. You were such a good boy, doing what you were told.’ He leaned forward and moved closer to me, crawling until he was inches from Magnus’s barrier. ‘You liked me being in control, didn’t you?’

‘Stop it, I’m serious.’

‘You liked me manhandling you, huh? Lifting you and up and holding you in place while we kissed.’

Unbidden, heat curled through me at the memory.

‘I know you liked me saying how perfect you were. Who knew Jace Herondale had a praise kink, huh?’

‘Fuck you.’

‘We already did, baby, keep up. We were made to fit together and I know you felt it. Did you love it when I put my hand over your mouth?’

He bit his lower lip, watching me carefully. I cleared my throat and flushed a little, treacherous cock twitching with interest despite my best intentions.

‘Oh, I can feel that you did,’ he breathed, running his hand around his neck. ‘I almost came from that alone, but I managed to hold on because I wanted you to come first. Wanted my beautiful, perfect Parabatai to come before me.’

‘Stop.’

‘I want you to come in here with me. What better way to help me get past this? You know once the drug is gone I’ll go back to being horrified with my lack of self control and you’ll be back to fucking random Mundanes in Sang’s, if you haven’t already run out. Please, Jace, don’t leave me alone in here. I need you, I need to feel you. Please just let me kiss you.’

‘No.’

‘No?’

‘Even if I wanted to, it would be like…’

His expression soured. ‘Like raping me? You’re pathetic.’

‘Yeah, maybe. It’s not happening though.’

I felt his mood shift abruptly. ‘Fucking leave then, why are you even here?’

‘Because I care about you.’

‘No you don’t. You’re just obligated to see this through, you don’t actually love me. No one who loved anyone could do this to them.’

‘Alec—’

‘No, I’m done with you. Why should I bother? I’ve been waiting around all these years hoping one day you’d see what’s between us and now…’ he swallowed and looked away, eyes bright. ‘Now I know it’s all bullshit. The only reason I haven’t dumped you like everyone else up until now is because you let me think there was a chance.’

My mind shorted out with the pain of hearing him say the thing I’d always dreaded most.

‘I should have known,’ he said tightly, thudding his head back against the wall. ‘You’d toss me aside like everyone else you ever fucked. I wasn’t even special enough to get strung along for a few days like Alyssa. Fuck, even your boy-toy Declan got a repeat visit.’

‘That’s not—’

‘You know what? I don’t wanna see you anymore. Go get Izzy to come watch me. If I have to suffer through this shit, I wanna be with family. _Real_ family.’

It was like being gutted. The feeling was visceral. I got to my feet, wiping my face.

‘I love Alec more than anything in this world,’ I said thickly. ‘You’re not him.’

‘Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart,’ he seethed. ‘And if this is what it means to be the lucky recipient of your _love_ , tell me which bargaining demon you used so I can pay him to rip it the fuck out of me!’

* * *

The drink sat on the bar, thus far untouched. I stared at it moodily. It was early, too early to even be in Sang’s, but the owner, Nick, sometimes let me in early.

‘You gonna drink that, kid?’ he asked, standing on a stood and dusting off the top shelf in a manner that could only be described as shoddy. ‘Not like you to let tequila breathe.’

‘I’m thinking.’

‘Again,’ Nick said, climbing down carefully. ‘Not like you.’

‘Maybe I’ll just get a coke.’

‘Dude,’ the older man said. ‘Are you dying?’

‘Fuck you, maybe I just want a nice, refreshing coke!’

‘Dude, what’s up?’

‘You really wanna hear it?’

Nick shrugged. ‘If it’s interesting, maybe.’

I downed the shot, barely wincing. ‘I’ve destroyed my life.’

‘Ah, that old chestnut.’

‘No, like…really. Everything is fucked, Nick.’

‘Girl broke your heart?’ I shook my head. ‘Boy?’

‘I think maybe I’ve fucked my life up so much that it will now never, ever get un-fucked.’

Nick snorted, pouring me another. ‘That’s what everyone thinks.’

I knocked it back. ‘I had one good thing. One.’

‘OK, not to rain on your pity parade, but I’ve seen you in here with your brother and sister. You looked pretty happy with them. Who cares if some twink shot you down? Family is everything.’

‘Yeah,’ I said, playing with the shot glass. ‘Ain’t that the truth.’

‘Look, you’re my best customer and I mean that literally. You’re a good kid and you help out when there’s trouble. But you gotta see the other side, sometimes. Life ain’t all drinking and fucking.’

‘I got another side,’ I said, somewhat defensively.

‘Oh yeah, doing what? You a tattoo artist? In a gang?’

‘Yeah,’ I laughed, pushing the glass, silently requesting another. ‘I’m in a gang, what of it?’

‘What kinda gang takes pretty boys like you?’

‘Hey, I’m tough!’

Nick patted me on the shoulder. ‘I don’t doubt it.’

I glared mildly. ‘You clearly do.’

‘So, what’s this heart break over?’

‘I did something I shouldn’t have.’

‘Did _someone,_ you mean _?_ ’

‘Sort of.’

‘And you’re approaching it with the same attitude as always - drink yourself stupid?’

‘I’m already stupid, Nick. Another.’

He poured the tequila and sighed. ‘Well, hiding out in here ain’t the best idea, that’s for sure.’

‘I can’t face him. I thought…I thought if I made myself look at him it would be better.’

‘And?’

‘I’m drinking tequila in your beloved dive at 5pm, Nick.’

‘Look, if it’s that bad and you can’t face him, you gotta try to move on. Turn a new leaf. Start from scratch. Look at me; had a bitch of a wife, three kids I couldn’t stand! I left ‘em, overnight! Started fresh, moved miles away and opened this place.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Oh yeah, you’re a real beacon of fuckin’ inspiration.’

He held up his hands. ‘I’m a lot happier.’

‘Running a nightclub for brats like me to fuck in?’

‘Taking your money sure helps.’

‘Whatever man, leave the bottle, huh?’

* * *

**\- Izzy -**

‘You hurt him, Alec.’

‘He fucking deserved it.’

‘Because he feels bad?’

‘Because he doesn’t believe I’m really me.’

‘If Jace was drunk and you had sex with him, wouldn’t you feel bad?’

My brother snarled, pacing in his invisible cage. ‘It’s not the same!’’

‘The drug is in your system. It’s in your cells.’

‘Barely,’ he spat, hands twitching. ‘It’s fading, I can feel it.’

‘Are you in pain?’

‘Of course I am!’

‘Can I help?’

He didn’t say anything, but I knew what he wanted.

‘Look, you need to eat. When the last time you had anything?’

‘You should talk.’

I graciously let that go. ‘It’s important you stay strong, Alec. Your body is going through a hell of a lot.’

‘I feel OK,’ he blatantly lied. ‘Mostly I feel _drunk_.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Jace is drinking.’

‘And you can feel it?’

He glowered. ‘I can.’

‘That’s not good.’

‘You think?’

‘Jace is wrong,’ I said after a few contemplative moments. ‘You are Alec, I can tell.’

He threw me a suspicious look. ‘Oh really?’

‘You’re different, like…a different angle, but it’s you. I know you, big brother. I’ve always known you and I can see you even in this distorted reflection.’

That, if nothing else, seemed to calm him a little. ‘Why won’t Jace believe me?’

‘I think it’s hard enough for Jace to believe you love him at all, let alone love him in _this_ way. Any hint of you not being yourself is going to throw him.’

‘Why can’t he trust me?’

I pushed a glass of water through the barrier on the floor. ‘Alec, you must see what’s happening here.’ He said nothing, but drank the water. ‘This drug has changed you. You’re off balance, not at your strongest.’

‘I feel strong.’

‘Locked in a barrier without your Parabatai? How is this strength?’

‘And what is strength, Izzy?’

I shrugged a little. ‘Family. Love. Trust.’

To that, he scoffed. ‘You should put that on a fucking Hallmark Card. Family is an anchor around your neck, tying you down, preventing you from moving up and on. Love is nothing but a damned plague, tricking you into delirium and walking you right off a cliff and trust? Fucking _trust_ is for people who haven’t been betrayed yet.’

‘And you’ve been betrayed?’

He scratched his inner arm again, more viciously this time. ‘I’ve betrayed myself, believing in something that was never fucking real!’

‘God above, Alec, get the fuck out of this _mood_! You’re not helping anything.’

‘Oh please!’ he snapped. ‘You feel the same, you’re just better at hiding it!’

‘I do not.’

‘What about Simon? Why haven’t you slept with him already? Not like you to _tarry_.’

I crossed my arms. ‘It’s not like that with him.’

‘Oh, because you care? Because you’re in love?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Then you’re just as stupid as I am. Love isn’t real; just the highs and lows of pursuit, the satisfaction of capture and the entropy of longevity.’

‘I don’t believe that.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I see you and Jace, the way you are with each other.’

‘Yeah and look where I am now!’

‘You’re in here because we all love and you want to protect you, Alec.’

‘PROTECT ME FROM WHAT?’

‘From yourself!’ I yelled right back. ‘The same way we protected Jace!’

He didn’t like that at all. ‘What have I done, Izzy? What have I done that’s so bad? Have I hurt anyone? Gone on a killing spree, huh?’

‘We can’t take the chance. Some of the others you were locked up with, the drug has affected them drastically.’

‘Like how?’

‘One of them committed suicide, the other killed his partner. A few have been arrested.’

‘So that’s what it does, this _thing_? Turns me dark or whatever?’

‘Not necessarily. I wanted to ask what you meant about Sebastian? I heard what you said, that Sebastian was running his mouth or something?’

‘Blathering on about his never ending knowledge of Yin Fen and supernatural drug shipments.’

I watched him very carefully. Alec had never been an especially talented liar, but this wasn’t exactly him.

‘Alec,’ I said softly. ‘Do I have anything to worry about with Sebastian? He was spending time with Max, you know that. If there’s anything I need to know, please tell me.’

He stared at me, then sighed, ‘Ah, fuck it.’

* * *

**-Jace-**

‘Jace, what the fuck?’

Izzy was pretty angry, or at least I thought she was. It was hard to tell.

‘How are you this drunk? It’s barely 8 at night! Oh what the hell am I even saying? Of _course_ you’re drunk.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, trying to pour a glass of water from the tap.

‘That’s the hot water, you idiot!’ she hissed, snatching it away from me. ‘What is wrong with you? This is hardly a night off kind of deal!’

I rubbed my face, avoiding looking in the direction of the living room where Alec was still caged with magic. ‘I needed a drink.’

‘Or thirty? Angel, I know what he said hurt you, but I need you to be with me on this, Jace!’

I took her hands and kissed them. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘You’re right. I am here with you. I’m just…I don’t know how to be, right now.’

‘It’s hard on us both, you especially and I’m aware of that. This is about more than our own ability to cope. If anyone finds out about any of this, our lives will be ruined.’

‘I’m here now, OK? Go to the Institute, cover for us. I got it.’

‘How can I leave you with him in this state?’

‘I’m sobering up, see?’ I took a swig of lukewarm water as if that proved anything. ‘Go, everything is fine.’

‘At least eat something,’ she said, about turning to get her stuff. ‘He could probably use a sandwich too. Keep me updated.’

‘I will,’ I promised, shoving down the guilt. ‘I’m sorry again.’

‘Just watch him,’ she said, pulling on her jacket. ‘I’ll be back early in the morning.’

I watched her leave and then waited a good two minutes, in case she’d forgotten anything, before I made a run for the bathroom, just getting my head down the toilet in time. My stomach clenched and purged, forcing the poisonous alcohol from my sleep deprived body.

‘Urgh, fuck,’ I groaned, wanting to wipe my mouth and finding only two sheets at the end of the roll. The bag of supplies was back in the kitchen. Spitting the last of it, I made my way back there, head spinning.

‘I don’t want to hear it!’ I warned Alec, not even looking at him. He either had the sense to stay quiet or her simply didn’t care. I wiped my mouth, gargled water and forced myself to eat half a slice of dry bread.

Part of me wanted to just leave him in there and actually get some sleep. Fatigue was eating me alive now. He had to be watched, though, in case he needed help.

‘You want anything?’ I asked from the kitchen, fishing out painkillers from the bag, intended for Alec, but just as useful for me. ‘Drink or some food?’

‘Water,’ he said and the tone caught my attention. He sounded weak and sick.

My alcohol clogged brain was slow, but not _that_ slow. I poured him some water and took it in, focusing on him in the gloom. The main lights were off and we had no lamps. Izzy had left her witchlight on the floor, creating a soft glow.

‘Are you sick because…I was just sick?’

‘No,’ he told me. ‘I’m sick because the drug is leaving my system, you fucking asshole. Can I please get some water?’

‘Are you gonna try and grab me?’

He had his arms wrapped around himself, knees to chest. ‘D-don’t flatter yourself.’

I bent down and pushed the water through the barrier. He waited until I’d backed away to reach for it with trembling hands.

‘I see you did exactly what I said you would,’ he said after draining the glass.

‘Yeah, well I may be a dumb whore, but at least I’m predictable.’

‘Don’t,’ he said sharply. ‘Don’t say such things.’

‘Isn’t that what you said to me, more or less?’

‘The difference is I don’t believe it, you do.’

‘Lifetime of practise,’ I slurred, leaning back against the wall and stretching my aching legs out. ‘Anyway, you’re not yourself and now neither am I. Maybe I can bear to be around you now.’

‘Did you…’ he shook his head. ‘Find someone else?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘You’d have felt it anyway, right?’

‘Drinking tampers with the bond.’

‘You’d still be able to feel it.’

‘Because you’re such hot shit when it comes to fucking?’

‘Because you’d feel my heart break in two, you prick.’

Silence fell between us. I checked my phone and saw a message from Izzy asking me if everything was OK. I carefully replied, ensuring there were minimal errors before I put it in my pocket.

‘Do you need anything else?’ I finally asked him.

‘I’m cold,’ he admitted. ‘Are there blankets?’

I glanced around, trying to recall what Clary had hastily brought. ‘There are not,’ I said. ‘It’s OK, here.’

I shrugged off my jacket and threw it gently to him.

‘I don’t want to take your—’

‘I’m boiling, just take it.’

He put it on quietly, making a small noise of relief when his arms were covered.

‘Thanks.’

‘No problem.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, teeth chattering a little. ‘About earlier.’

‘It’s fine.’

‘No, it’s not. Maybe you’re right.’

‘About what?’

‘Me not being exactly…me.’

‘Are you just saying that?’

‘If I was, it’s hardly a master plan and no, I’m not just saying it.’

I watched him levelly. He looked bad, even in this low light. He was sweating, his eyes swimming in dark circles and his hands shook badly. He took a deep, shaky breath and said, ‘I didn’t mean what I said.’

‘So why did you say it?’

‘Because you hurt me and for the first time, I _wanted_ to hurt you back.’ He groaned and clutched his head. ‘Ugh, that’s instant karma, right?’

‘You want painkillers?’

‘No,’ he said, face screwed up. ‘No, no pills.’

‘Alec,’ I said gently. ‘They’re only painkillers.’

‘All the same, no thanks. This too shall pass, right?’

‘Not everything.’

He looked up, eyes locking with mine. There was a bolt of something flowing through the bond. A kind of need that went beyond lust or desire. He _needed_ me.

‘I can’t bear this,’ he ground out. ‘It’s like I’m dying, Jace.’

I could feel his pain, mostly the emotional side to it, despite my inebriated state.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ he said, clutching his hair. ‘I’m so scared, Jace. I don’t want this to go, I know it’s making me something…less than myself, but I’m so fucking terrified to go back.’

‘Why?’

He let out a broken little sob. ‘I was free.’

‘Free of what?’

‘Everything that stops me being in love with you.’

At the mere mention of the subject I was most afraid of, my stomach clenched hard.

‘Don’t say that.’

But he didn’t listen, just buried his face in his arms. ‘It’s worse than if nothing ever happened. Now I have to go back being a coward, knowing what it felt like to be happy. I’d rather die.’

‘Alec!’ I shouted. ‘Shut the fuck up, you’re talking shit!’

‘Please,’ he begged, back heaving as he cried. ‘Please, Jace, don’t let me go back. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll learn to care about everything you care about, I’ll be kinder, just please—’

‘Please what?’ I asked tightly. ‘Please go get more of that crap and shoot you up?’

He crawled forward, revealing a tear stained face. He tried to get through the barrier, but it held him back like a pane of glass. He put his hands against it, leaning forward.

‘Please,’ he openly begged and fucking hell, now I was the one dying. How was I supposed to see him like this and refrain from giving in?

I went to him, trying to remember to steer clear of the barrier that would let me in, but not let him out. ‘C’mon,’ I said, throat constricted. ‘Don’t do this to me.’

‘I can’t go back!’ he cried. ‘Don’t make me go back to pretending!’

I’d never seen him cry like this and it was, quite frankly, destroying me. A quiet, sober part of me warned that this could be a trick but the majority of me believed that emotions like this couldn’t be faked, not to this extent. I felt him; his pain was mine, cyclical and consuming.

‘It’s gonna be OK,’ I tried to say, barely inches from him now.

‘No, it won’t, I know what he’ll do, Jace and I can’t live with it, please!’

‘Alec, don’t—’

‘Kill me, Jace. Please, just kill me!’

I couldn’t help it, I went into the barrier, pressing my hands to his and forcing him back.

‘Shut up, shut the fuck up! How can you say that to me?’ I shook his arms hard, gripping his hands. ‘You wanna hurt me? Call me names, tell me I’m trash, tell I’m nothing but a fucking whore but don’t you _ever_ ask me to imagine a world without you in it!’ I grabbed his face, making him look at me. ‘There is no world without you. There is _nothing_ without you!’

I knew it was going to happen. I’d known since the first moment I heard his broken voice, saw the pain he was in. I was weak and it was always going to happen.

I brought his face to mine, pressing a messy, wet kiss to his mouth, tasting his tears. At first it was just a press, I could have pulled back and left in that moment before he responded. I made a choice not to and everything that followed would be shaped by that choice.

He arched up, slanting his face to get a better angle, treating the kiss like it was oxygen and he was dying. The desperation between us was tangible.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I sobbed against his lips, hands caressing his face and hair. I wanted to devour him, wanted to shed this skin and meld with him irreversibly. ‘Forgive me, Alec.’

* * *

_A/N - Hey guys, I worked super extra hard on this CH as I wanted to get it up fairly quick. Over the next few days and possibly week, I need to focus more on my actual book as my agent is probably less than thrilled that I'm spending all my time on beloved fanfiction. That said, reviews always get me writing more of it, so if you want a quicker update, you know what to do. I really hope you're still enjoying the ride. Also, if anyone wants to follow me on twitter i'm at azriel_green._


	12. Chapter Twelve: Why Wake Me For Bad News?

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

**\- Why Wake Me For Bad News? -**

_‘Remember when you were young? You shone like the sun._  
_Shine on you crazy diamond._  
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.  
_Shine on you crazy diamond._  
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,  
Blown on the steel breeze.  
Come on you target for faraway laughter,  
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine! _’_

_-Pink Floyd_

_-_ **Alec-**

I watched Jace sleep longer than was necessary. He was exhausted and the temptation to stare at him was simply too much. His expression smoothed out in peaceful rest as I mapped every part of him to memory.

After we had sex, he’d fallen into an incredibly deep sleep. He’d needed it, his body drained and running on empty after the last week. The decision to use his phone to message Sebastian was one I wrestled with, but only for a few seconds.

Sebastian brought me more of the drug, pre-prepared in a syringe. He didn’t ask questions, didn’t comment on the sleepy Shadowhunter laying in my lap. He injected me between my toes and the pain was nothing in the face of the instant, overwhelming _calm_ that washed over me like an ocean at dawn. The hot, itchy guilt was soothed instantly, cooling my blood and ironing out the creases in my troubling moral tapestry. I had that perfect crystal clarity once more.

I felt strong, in control. In _command._

‘I told Izzy about you,’ I quietly told him, afterwards. ‘I’m sorry.’

He paused, contemplating my confession. ‘I see,’ he whispered. ‘I may have to improvise there.’

‘Improvise how?’

He ignored that. ‘I need your help with a shipment coming in tomorrow night.’

‘Where?’ I asked quietly, soothing Jace by tracing my fingers over his bare shoulder. His skin was warm and soft.

‘Lower Eastside docks, 10pm.’

‘What about the others?’

‘They’ll come along, one way or another.’

I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘That doesn’t sound smart.’

‘I have no intention of hurting them, Alec. I need the supplier to give me the base compound and then I’m gone.’

‘Why did you cover for me? You don’t really need my help that badly, do you?’

Sebastian sighed and gave me a tired smile. ‘Maybe I have soft spot for dark sides, eh?’ He turned his attention my sleeping Parabatai. ‘Do you need to get out of the barrier?’

I shook my head, stroking Jace’s hair. ‘No. I won’t make the same mistakes I did last time. The change was too abrupt, I threw him off.’

‘You’re going to pretend to be yourself from before?’

‘I have to try.’

‘That’s a complicated choice, isn’t it?’

‘Love always is.’

‘I won’t be around to cover for you, so I advise you prepare in advance to interfere with the blood tests.’

‘Thanks.’

He hesitated. ‘How do you know he’s not awake and listening?’

I closed my eyes. ‘Because I can feel him dreaming.’

‘And what does Jace Herondale dream about?’

I unmoored my thoughts, letting them flow in the direction of my Parabatai. They entered his slipstream effortlessly; his unconscious mind was unguarded and welcoming. Colour and sensation hit me, there was a dark undertow of worry and regret but the river was familiar. I touched it and the water whispered my name.

‘It’s a privilege you’ll never be afforded, I’m afraid,’ I said, opening my eyes and catching just the barest hint of naked curiosity in his. It vanished fast.

‘Fair enough,’ he shrugged, as though he didn’t care. ‘See you tomorrow.’

‘Thanks again,’ I said, watching him leave. I would go to the docks and help him, but not out of debt or a sense of gratitude. I had allowed things to get out of hand. To ensure nothing came that close again, I’d need my own supply. He was potentially useful.

I bent to press a reverent kiss to my lover’s face. I would do whatever was necessary to keep him, to prevent crippling doubt and regret from breaking the bond between us. The weight of holding everything I ever wanted galvanised me into utter determination.

So, I would pretend to be guilty, insecure and full of regret. It was what he needed to believe and what he needed, I would provide. It would be tough, sure, but he was worth it. He was worth everything.

‘Whatever it takes,’ I whispered. ‘I promise.’

* * *

- **Jace-**

When I began to wake, the bone deep contentment I felt slowly drained away. I was cold and uncomfortable and _alone_.

I rubbed my eyes with one hand, blearily looking around the room. It was barely light out, the beginnings of pink light filtering through the thick clouds. ‘Alec?’

He was there, inside the barrier but as far away as possible from me against the wall.

‘Stay there, Jace,’ he said in a low, rough voice. ‘Just stay there.’

The sleep had been incredibly deep and it was hard to remember the last time I’d slept so well and it was messing with my brain. ‘I uh…what—?’

‘You were drunk,’ he said, refusing to look at me. ‘He… _I_ should have pushed you away. Should have stopped it.’ His face screwed up, eyes closed. ‘Why couldn’t I stop it?’

I sat bolt upright, panic shocking my system as the memories of last night hit me like a freight train. ‘Fuck!’ I gasped. ‘We…’

‘It’s not your fault,’ he said, refusing to look at me. ‘It was me. I’m so, _so_ sorry.’

The situation came back to me in full and I tried to suppress that most fragile emotion I so rarely entertained…hope. ‘Are you… _back?_ ’

‘It’s not like that,’ he said tightly. ‘What I said before was right, it’s not clean cut. I remember everything. Angel, I _wish_ it was a clean split.’

‘Alec, look at me.’

‘Please, Jace. Please just leave.’

‘Leave you here?’

‘Yes.’

I crawled over to him, trying to ignore how it hurt when he flinched. ‘Angel damn it, _look at me_ , Alec!’

Miserable and tear stained, he brought his eyes to mine. His expression threatened to break my heart. ‘I’m so sorry.’

I wanted to grab him, to pull him into me and comfort him however he would let me, but I had reason to be cautious, or so I told myself. I examined the bond between us; it was strong and tangible and through it, I felt his pain. Self-disgust, shame, loss.

Loss?

‘Alec, no,’ I said, reaching out, but he moved away, pressed himself further into the wall.

‘Jace,’ he begged. ‘Stop.’

‘No, I just…not anything like that.’

He wasn’t sweating, the rolling tremors from yesterday were gone. He was upset, but physically he seemed fine. That, above all else, gave me reason to hope.

‘Do you feel all right?’

‘No,’ he said.

‘The effects of the drug seem to have faded.’

‘There’s no guarantee,’ he said, avoiding me as much as possible. ‘I don’t want to risk anything. Just leave me here.’

I finally backed off, giving him some space. ‘We have to talk about last night.’

‘No,’ he said, shaking his head.

‘Alec, don’t you do this to me,’ I said, heart twisting so hard I wanted to press my hand there. ‘Don’t shut me out.’

‘What else can I do?’ he burst out. ‘It hurts to even look at you!’

‘It was my fault. I got drunk and came back here, I did that, not you.’

‘Don’t bother trying to make me feel like less of a fucking rapist, because it’s really not going to work.’

‘Alec, that’s not—’

‘You were way beyond incapable of giving consent and even if you were, I was still…still not me.’

I wanted so badly to come up with the perfect comeback to that. I searched for the words to dismiss what he’d said, reassure him to the point of calming down.

‘Yeah,’ he rasped, taking my silence for tacit agreement. ‘Like I said, just leave me here. I mean it.’

‘I can’t.’

‘You can and you will.’

‘Please, just listen to me!’

‘So you can lie and make out like you’re not hurt by any of that-that _poison_ I was saying to you? So you can make it all better, somehow?’ He shook his head, staring blindly away from me. ‘I know when I’ve fucked up, Jace. I know when there’s no going back.’

Jagged anxiety carved into my chest.

‘No, that’s not what this is.’

He wiped his eyes. ‘Leave, Jace.’

I was about to launch into a massive protest, when I felt the ripples of something vibrating on the wooden floor. I looked around for my phone, finding it under my jacket nearby. It was Clary.

‘Hello?’

_‘Oh my God, where are you?’_

‘I’m here with Alec, what’s wrong?’

She sounded so upset, my stomach clenched in anticipation. _‘Sebastian has taken Izzy, he left a note telling us if we want her back, we need to meet him at 10pm, Lower Eastside Docks and to come alone.’_

My mind raced. ‘Wait, _Sebastian?_ _’_

 _‘There was something wrong about him, I’ve felt it for a while and now…’_ Clary said, voice cracking. _‘He’s got Izzy, Jace.’_

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. ‘We’ll get her back no matter what.’

_‘You and Alec have to come here; the rest of the Institute doesn’t know yet but I can’t cover for all three of you.’_

‘We’re coming, we’re both coming right now.’

_‘Is Alec—?’_

‘He’s fine. We’ll be there in twenty.’

I hung up, staring at the floor. ‘Sebastian has taken Izzy, he’s holding her captive and wants us to go to the docks tonight.’

Alec, if possible, paled even further. _‘What_?’

‘He’s got her.’

‘No, he…shit! _Why_? Did he say why?’

‘Fuck, Alec. We need to go.’

He seemed unsure. ‘Go where? It’s not safe, what if the drug takes control again?’

‘It won’t,’ I said, grabbing my jacket. ‘And even if it does, are you really going to take the fucking risk of losing Izzy?’

His expression smoothed out and he got to his feet, exuding shaky determination. ‘No, of course not.’

‘I’m letting you out now,’ I said, only a little warily. I went to the kitchen, read from the hand-written note Magnus had left me and the incantation dropped the barrier in an instant.

He stepped through it carefully. ‘I can’t believe he took her.’

‘I can’t believe we ever trusted him.’

‘He didn’t seem evil, Jace.’

‘People never do. It’s us and them, always.’

He gave me a kind of sad look, like he wanted to say that we were no longer _us._

‘We should go,’ he said finally. ‘No one fucks with Izzy and lives.’

* * *

**-Izzy-**

‘Why are you doing this?’

My hands were bound cleverly, stripped of my weapons and any useful runes. It was dark where we were, a small room with no natural light and a work bench he was constantly bent over, laden with lab equipment.

‘Do you need to pee?’

‘No.’

‘Then please be quiet.’

The small cut on my hand had already begun to heal. I thumbed it carefully, satisfied Sebastian hadn’t noticed it or the small droplets of blood I’d trailed as we entered the building. ‘I’m going to destroy you,’ I promised him. ‘You’re going to slip up and I’ll be waiting.’

‘I’ve no doubt, Isabelle. Your strength and skill are the main reason you’re here, regrettably restrained.’

He fell back into a concentrated silence, focusing on whatever he was doing. There was nothing within reach for a weapon, no way of removing the restraints.

‘Are you even a Shadowhunter? If you’ve hurt Max—’

‘I never harmed a hair on his head, he’s a sweet boy. I’m trying to be a better person, Izzy. Believe it or not.’

‘Hard to accept when I’m shackled to a steam pipe in your evil-doers dungeon.’

‘It’s a basement.’

‘Much less evil.’

He turned around on his chair, surveying me wearily. ‘Look, I’m not going to hurt you or anyone, not if I can help it. I need for your brothers to go crashing in, blades a’blazing so I can get what I want. After that, I’ll be gone.’

‘With what? The drug? _That_ _’s_ what you want?’

‘Yes.’

I laughed bitterly. ‘So, you’re just another junkie, huh? Too weak to part with something that gave you power for once?!’

‘No, no,’ he said with a polite smile. ‘I don’t want power. I’ve no interest in that.’

‘Bullshit!’ I yelled, yanking on the restraints and hurting my wrists. ‘What is all this for then?’

He fixed me with an unblinking stare. ‘Isabelle. I need the drug to stay _good_.’

* * *

**-Jace-**

‘Do we know where she was taken?’

Clary paced, biting a fingernail. ‘No. I last saw her three hours ago. She asked me where Sebastian was, if I’d seen him.’

Gently, I prodded, ‘Had you?’

She swallowed. ‘He came to see me, yeah.’

I glanced at Alec, who took over. ‘Clary,’ he said softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. ‘What happened?’

‘He told me…’ she paused, gathering herself. ‘He asked me if I was happy? He said he wanted me to be happy and if I needed anything, he would help me get it.’

‘What did you say?’

‘I told him I was fine and asked what was happening. He didn’t answer, he just said he would check in on me from time to time and if I ever needed help, he’d be there for me.’

She seemed uncomfortable, so we didn’t push, but Alec felt my suspicions through the bond. Was it really possible he was…no, that couldn’t be it?

‘Clary, when you told Izzy this, where did she go?’

‘She just _went_ , told me to stay and make sure he didn’t slip back in to the Institute. Then I got this text.’

She held out her phone.

**Clarissa, I** **’ve taken Izzy. I need her, you and the others to help me intercept a shipment arriving tonight. I apologise for this, but know that it is truly necessary.**

**Eastside Docks. 10pm.**

**Sebastian.**

‘Fucker,’ I breathed, mind running rampant with images of him hurting Izzy.

‘She’s strong,’ Alec said, jaw clenched. ‘Stronger than all of us. She’ll be OK until we can get her back.’

‘I’ll kill him if he touches her,’ Clary swore. 

‘Where’s Simon?’

‘He went out looking for her.’

‘With what leads?’

‘I think he’s just running around trying to catch the scent of her blood, to be honest. He’s…upset.’

‘We’re all upset,’ Alec said gruffly. ‘But I get it.’

‘What’s the plan?’ she asked, looking between us.

‘Obviously, we’ll play it mostly by ear. His intent must be to get his hands on a shipment, right?’

Alec looked disgusted. ‘That’s what he wanted all along, you think? A massive supply of his own?’

‘The timing of his arrival makes sense, I guess. We don’t know anything about him, really. Clary, we’ve got some time - see what you can turn up about him. Anything that might be useful.’

‘What will you do?’

‘I want to do a scout of the area while there’s daylight, basic recon.’

Alec said, ‘I’ll come with you. We’ll get her back, Clary,’ he offered the redhead kindly, albeit a little awkwardly.

She smiled and the two hugged briefly. ‘It’s good to have you back.’

We left Clary’s room and headed to the armoury to stock up.

‘We’re gonna need Magnus, right?’ I said quietly as we walked.

Alec hesitated. ‘I don’t think we should involve him.’

‘Why? He’s the most powerful of us all, Alec. We’re gonna need firepower on this one.’

‘It’s your call,’ he said heavily, taking his bow from the rack. ‘But we call on him way too often and I can’t help but feel we need to keep this from becoming a battle. My instincts say we should keep it contained. We don’t know Sebastian’s motives yet.’

‘He took Izzy,’ I pointed out, sheathing a fresh blade. ‘The bastard is going down.’

‘He knows we would react like that,’ Alec said quietly. ‘He knows we’ll be upset, go in hard and emotional.’

‘You think he’s expecting it?’

‘I think he’s counting on it. Why else would he take her?’

‘To hurt her?’

‘But why? It doesn’t add up.’

‘Alec…’ I said, hesitantly.

He closed his eyes. ‘If he touches her, I will rip out his spine. Until we know more or Clary digs something useful up, we work from facts and good old-fashioned recon.’

‘I still think we should at least involve him, as a backup if nothing else.’

‘Your call,’ he said, stocking up on arrows.

‘Thanks.’ I adjusted a strap and watched him suit up before placing my hand on his arm. He stared at it for a long moment, the point of contact between us.

‘Jace,’ he said so softly I could barely make it out. ‘I’m so sorry for what I did. I know this isn’t the right time, there won’t ever be a right time…but I am sorry and I need to you to know it.’

‘I do,’ I said earnestly. ‘I do know it, Alec. I can feel it.’

He looked a little relieved. ‘Good,’ he said. ‘I’m glad you can. I wasn’t sure if you could feel anything.’

‘I-I can feel everything,’ I admitted. 

His eyes fluttered, seemingly affected by my admission. He withdrew his arm, disconnecting us, but in body only. We were always connected.

‘We’re gonna get her back.’

‘I know we are. Let’s go.’

* * *

- **Izzy-**

‘Good? What the hell does that mean?’

Sebastian sighed. ‘I’ve been evil my entire life. Not the silly kind you keep referring to, either. _Evil_ , Izzy. Cruelty, violence, sadism…it was my life. For years now, I’ve been planning to destroy you all, Jace especially.’

My heart lurched. ‘Why _Jace_? Why us?’

‘Jace was the son Valentine always favoured.’

My jaw dropped a little. ‘You’re Valentine’s son?’

‘After a fashion, yes. Whereas Jace and Clary carry Angel blood, so Demon runs through mine. I came from ugliness and pain, brought into this world a gruesome mistake and a despised creature—’

I rolled my eyes. ‘Skip the sob story!’

He bristled, but obliged. ‘Five months ago, I’m breaking a Demon into pieces. Experiments, you know. It starts crying. Demons never _cry_. I test its blood and I see this strange anomaly. Something in its cells. The Demon had fed on a human recently, some junkie in Central Park. The drug had infected the Demon, brought out a lesser seen side. Aspects like weakness, fear.’

‘And, what? You thought wow those sound great, where do I sign up?’

‘I was intrigued. At first, I thought the drug _only_ weakened the user. Something powerful enough to infect Demons was worth investigating. I intended to utilise it myself, perhaps. Infect my enemies and weaken them. My search led to me being captured by the same creature who took Alec.’

‘The spider bat thing?’

‘Her name was Arinchel and yes, one and the same. I was held captive, injected for four days and then let loose.’

My hands tightened. ‘And?’

‘At first, nothing. I was furious with myself. I was planning an especially vile revenge when something happened. This…’ he trailed off, unable to find the right word. ‘It was small. Some tiny part of me that had always been drowned in Demon blood and darkness…it fought its way to the top and took control.’

I sneered doubtfully. ‘The drug made you good?’

‘It made me _want_ to be good. I had blood on my hands, guilt slowly seeping in for the first time in my life. I grieved for those I’d hurt. I thought I was dying, at first. It spread like a plague, contaminating every part of me. It was too much.’

‘And now you want to stay like this?’

He cleared his throat. ‘Because of Clary, yes.’

‘Angel, she’s your sister,’ I said slowly, my heart going out to her.

He nodded, looking down at his hands. ‘I realised that the way I had been _feeling_ about Clary was wrong. Very wrong.’

Eyes narrowed, I asked, ‘Wrong how?’

‘Just…wrong,’ he replied darkly. ‘I couldn’t go back to that. I had to maintain the switch for her, even if only to protect her from a distance from myself.’

‘Why not just kill yourself?’

That made him laugh. ‘Oh, Izzy,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I really do like you. I’ve tried to kill myself a hundred times, maybe more.’ He held out his wrists, removing a rune which then revealed dozens of vertical scars. Further up his arm, I saw track marks. ‘Nothing works. I don’t know, maybe I don’t _want_ to die now. This second chance is…precious.’

‘Why do you need the shipment? The drug is everywhere.’

‘It’s being diluted. Middlemen and other junkies getting greedy, cutting it with whatever household cleaner they can buy in bulk from Costco. It barely lasts when it’s not pure. No, I need the supplier. I need to know how it’s made and then I can manufacture it for myself. That’s all I want, Izzy. I want to _stay good_.’

He was pleading with me to see it and I wanted to believe him.

‘Why didn’t you just tell us?’

He sighed. ‘I couldn’t risk you holding me and preventing my intake of the drug. If the other side gets control again…it’ll be bad and this side will never be allowed to resurface again.’

‘How bad?’

‘Let’s hope you don’t find out.’

* * *

**-Jace-**

In broad daylight, the docks didn’t look the same. It was a huge area, full of shipping containers, loading bays, buildings but my instincts drew me to the waterfront. I glanced along the high edge, water below and thought of that night.

‘Hey,’ Alec called. ‘If you do decide to involve Magnus, this would be a good place for him to stake out. Simon should be over there, watching from those containers, so he can see if others are coming.’

‘Sounds good,’ I said, eyes still glued to the spot in the distance where Belaphim had taken my future, taken away my ability to have children.

‘Are you OK?’ Alec asked, following my stare. ‘What is it?’

I shook myself. ‘I’m thinking it’ll be a boat, right? Bringing it in?’

‘I would assume.’

‘Once we have Izzy, we need to destroy the shipment if we can.’

He nodded solemnly. ‘Absolutely.’

‘We should burn it.’ I stared out at the water. ‘Alec, do you think he’s keeping her there?’

‘The warehouse?’

‘Well, yeah,’ I said. ‘It’s warded, it’s conveniently nearby, right?’

‘You want to check it out?’

I looked up at him. ‘Is that OK?’

He nodded a little, like he was telling himself it was. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I can do it.’

* * *

The journey across the water by small ferry was quick and uneventful. A ride I could have made myself not a week ago, saving myself the trouble of bargaining with a demon. The waves made Alec feel sick and I fought to restrain myself from stroking his back as he dry heaved, barely keeping down the little water he’d ingested the last few days.

Once we hit solid ground, I couldn’t help but think of the last time we were here. How _good_ it had felt to have a solid enemy, a purpose.

Before things were absolutely fucking _fucked._

‘Hey,’ he said, nervously. ‘Is that it?’

It loomed large and shadowy, but that might have been my general sense of outrageous hatred for the place.

‘Yeah.’

‘It was dark when she brought me here,’ he said quietly. ‘I couldn’t see it properly.’

As we approached, I felt something growing in intensity, like static build up. Ten feet from the building, I stopped.

‘Alec…I can’t go any further.’

He was behind me and when I turned to face him, his expression was grim.

‘The barrier has been reactivated,’ he said. ‘When the others came back, it was down. Magnus dropped it.’

‘Who drew the new one?’ I asked, trying to push forward, but it was like being held in place by giant magnets. ‘Shit.’

‘How did you get in before?’

‘Huh?’ I realised way too late what he was going to ask next.

‘How did you past the barrier when you came for me?’

I swallowed, trying to think fast. ‘I went around the back of the building.’

‘Why?’

‘No, I… there wasn’t a barrier then. I went around to scope the place out and—’

‘You’re lying, I can feel it.’

‘Alec, this is hardly the time.’

‘How did you get inside?’

Traitorous heart thundering, I tried to relax and shrug it off. ‘The more important question is who put the barrier back up and how we’re going to get through it?’

‘Well, how did you get through it last time?’

‘It wasn’t activated then!’

‘Of course it was, that’s why you couldn’t track me!’

‘Look, please can we just _please_ focus on Izzy? If the barrier is back up, it makes sense she could be inside.’

He glared dully, like he was disappointed with me. ‘Fine,’ he relented. ‘But later, we’re talking about this.’

‘If there is a later,’ I hedged. ‘We can talk about whatever you want, OK? I promise.’

‘Fine,’ he sighed. ‘How are we going to—?’

He pushed his hand through the barrier as though it was nothing.

‘Whoa,’ I said. ‘How’d you do that?’

‘I can’t feel anything,’ he said. ‘But then I didn’t feel anything when she brought me here the first time. Maybe because I was with her?’

‘Hey, no _way_ are you going in there without me!’

Distractedly, he said, ‘I’m not,’ but he moved right through the invisible wall which held me at bay. ‘Huh.’

He turned back, reached through and pulled me. The moment his hand touched mine, two things happened. The barrier vanished and I stumbled forward, where he caught me and kept me from falling.

But also, our skin was touching again. This time, his hand on mine was like a fucking _shock_ to my system. From nowhere, a fever dream of heat and longing hit me. When he caught me, he held me close just a little longer than he should have. I stared at him, unable to contain myself and the desire to kiss him was beyond overwhelming.

I felt him feel it, too. We were going to kiss, we _had to_ kiss.

He let me go gently, moving away and rubbing his neck. The loss of contact shattered the feeling, leaving me disoriented and lost.

‘Yeah I uh,’ he cleared his throat. ‘I thought that might work.’

‘I’m your guest, huh?’ I tried to laugh because that sledgehammer of wanton lust sure was fading but not fast enough. ‘Good call.’

We faced the building and he rolled his shoulders, the mood shifting.

‘Let’s do this.’

Almost immediately, it was clear that the warehouse wasn’t empty. He covered the left side while I advanced. I heard noises; voices from up ahead inside the door. We were barely inside the complex. I flattened myself against a wall and stopped, signalling to him.

 _Hold_.

He halted, arrow drawn from a crouch, covering me as I slowly crept towards the source of the noise. I heard voices, five males inside. Their conversation was muffled.

_5 inside._

Silently, he came to stand opposite me. I looked to him, asking his opinion on approach. I felt him make the decision. If they were here, they had something to do with the drug. They weren’t civilians, they weren’t innocent.

He kicked the door open and let his arrow fly.

* * *

**-Izzy-**

‘So, did they have sex, then?’

Sebastian hadn’t spoken to me for at least twenty minutes. He’d been focused on his work and I’d been carefully cataloguing the room for potential weapons and means of escape.

It caught me off guard. ‘What?’

‘Alec and Jace.’

Protective of my brothers, I answered carefully. ‘Why would you even think that?’

He shrugged, not turning away from his observations. ‘I thought it was fairly obvious, no? They’re so clearly in love.’

‘What do you know of love?’ I sneered.

‘Until this drug, nothing,’ he admitted. ‘But the more I grow as someone who wants to be better, the more I notice. So, did they have sex?’

‘That’s none of your business.’

‘Such a shame, they’ve made their lives so difficult now.’

‘You don’t know anything about them.’

He fell silent for a moment before writing a few notes. ‘I know them well enough that they’ll go and scope out the docks hours before we’re due to meet.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, fear growing in the pit of my stomach.

‘I know that they’ll look across the river and wonder if I’m holding you in the warehouse and they won’t take the chance of not checking it out.’

‘You set them up?’

He tipped his head, considering. ‘I’m utilising their skills.’

Angrily, I yanked on the chains again, ignoring the pain in my wrist. ‘What for?’

‘The shipments don’t come in by boat, obviously. The dealers are convening at the warehouse, high level players. When Jace and Alec take them down, the supplier will be drawn out. That’s all I need. The elusive creator.’

‘Why did you even kidnap me, if that’s all you need?’

He smiled at me, so beautiful and yet something dangerous still there.

‘The boys will be more reckless with your life on the line. More intrepid. But I do need you, Izzy. I need you to protect me.’

Fear curled in my stomach. ‘Why would I do that?’

‘Because,’ he sighed sadly. ‘I have Max.’

‘WHAT? You fucking piece of shit!’

‘Calm down, you’ll hurt—’

I threw myself forward, stretching the chains away from the pipe to their absolute limit and swung my right leg at the nearest thing to me, a metal trolley laden with scientific equipment. It went flying upon contact, the instruments scattered and the trolley shot towards Sebastian who moved before it could hit him.

‘Enough!’ he yelled, but I kept thrashing, determined to get free of the chains. Pain shot up my arms, bones screaming in protest as skin tore. He marched towards me, exactly what I wanted, but he didn’t grab me like I thought he would.

He raised his hand and my body froze, caught in stasis against its will.

‘You will not trick me into coming closer,’ he said, deadly calm. ‘You’re going to let me explain.’

I wanted to open my mouth and scream at him, but it wouldn’t cooperate. I tried to convey how much I was going to hurt him with my eyes, but he didn’t seem to get the memo.

‘Understand, Max is not chained up somewhere. He’s safely in Paris with your father, but I have someone working there, watching him. If I don’t check in with him every hour, Max will be taken and…well, I’m sure you get the idea.’ He took a deep breath, eyes closed. ‘You think I’m evil and believe me, I know how disgusting a threat this is to make, but understand this above all else. I am a threat to the world unlike anything you’ve faced and without this drug, I will be unleashed.’

My body trembled with the effort to break the stasis. He stared at me for a long moment and then sighed, dropping his hand and I fell hard to the ground, knocking my chin and knees.

‘If you’re…’ I gasped. ‘Truly good now, let me take you in. I’ll make sure you get the drug and we’ll contain you.’

‘I can’t risk it,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘There’s too many variables.’

‘Then you are not and never will be good.’

‘You might be right,’ he relented, taking his seat once more. ‘But as my father used to say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.’

* * *

**-Jace-**

‘Well, that was fun,’ I said, catching my breath as Alec toed a dead body. ‘Ah, look,’ I said with a grin. ‘Your scowl is back.’

He gave me the middle finger and crouched to search the bodies.

‘You think we shouldn’t have killed them?’ he asked quietly.

‘They had guns,’ I said easily. ‘They tried to kill us.’

‘Still,’ he said. ‘Mundanes.’

‘Drug dealing, life ruining _murderous_ Mundanes who would have killed us if we hesitated.’

He let it drop, though I hadn’t really convinced him. ‘I’ll do a sweep of the compound. There aren’t others, they would have come running at the sound of gunshots.’

‘They could have headphones on,’ I suggested playfully, simple to earn another of his unimpressed scowls that I wasn’t taking this seriously enough.

But he didn’t look at me, I didn’t get my scowl. His eyes were fixed on something else across the room.

‘Holy shit,’ I said when I followed his line of sight.

There were crates, huge pallets with stamped numbers on the wood. One of the crates was open, revealing large, clear packs of slightly pink tinged powder.

‘That’s a lot,’ Alec said with a nervous attempt at a chuckle. His whole body had gone rigid and I felt a sick thrill of worry for the first time since he’d refused to leave the barrier this morning.

‘You OK?’

He stared at the packs. ‘Not really,’ he answered. ‘My body is… _arguing_ with my mind.’

‘I can’t really feel it,’ I offered, hoping to reassure him. ‘Not like I felt it last night.’

That seemed to break his fascination. ‘We should get rid of it,’ he said. ‘Burn it or whatever.’

‘I’ll get Clary to contact Luke, he can impound the lot of it,’ I said, messaging Clary quickly. She’d know what to do.

Alec sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘Ugh, my head. Look, we need to get back to scoping out the docks for—’

A phone rang from the pockets of a dead drug dealer. The tone was cheery and insistent. We exchanged a glance before he pulled it out and answered.

‘Yes?’

His eyes darkened and he put the phone on loud speaker.

‘Say again?’

 _‘I_ said _, why haven_ _’t you checked in? He’s seriously pissed, man.’_

‘Your men are dead,’ Alec explained in a flat monotone. ‘Your shipment is gone.’

Static and silence until, _‘Is this Sebastian?’_

We shared a wide-eyed look.

‘Yes,’ Alec said, with impeccable cool.

The speaker rattled with a sigh. ‘ _What a pain in the ass you are, boy. He_ _’s really gonna kill you now.’_

In his best Sebastian voice, Alec said, ‘He can try.’

_‘That shipment cost a lot. You’ve really fucked up.’_

‘So, tell him to come get me.’

The called ended. Alec stowed the phone.

‘He planned this,’ he said quietly, almost to himself. ‘He knew we’d come here. Fuck, Jace, he’s using us. Moving us like pawns.’

‘You really think so?’

Implacably, he replied, ‘I know it. ‘We can’t risk him hurting Izzy. We need to get her back, that’s the priority.’

‘OK, any ideas how?’

‘It might be time to call our resident Magi Ex Machina.’

* * *

**-Alec-**

It was almost too difficult. There had been moments throughout the day when the desire to relax and be myself had nearly overwhelmed me. The only thing had kept me going was that somehow, he did seem to believe I was _his_ Alec.

The trick was to hate myself. That gave Jace just enough of what he seemed to think comprised his normal, boring Alec.

Pretend I hated myself for what we did last night.

Pretend I hated myself for finally giving him exactly what he needed.

Pretend I wasn’t going to _ruin_ him the moment he was convinced I was his and only his version of myself.

My concern for Izzy made the whole thing bearable, _just_. Fucking Sebastian was dead. How dare he take her, help or no help, the fucker was going to pay.

Magnus was probably the worst thing about today, though. Having to go to him for help was the last thing I wanted to do.

He didn’t exactly know from what I could tell, but it would be close.

‘I’m getting rather tired of saying this, but you should have come to me sooner,’ he sighed, stirring his tea magically. ‘But of course, I’ll help Izzy.’

‘Great,’ Jace said, sounding relieved. He shot me a glance, suggesting I should thank Magnus. I shook myself.

‘Yeah, thank you,’ I said, hoping I looked sufficiently awkward and ashamed of my general existence. ‘Can you track her?’

‘If she’s not held in a barrier,’ he said, holding eye contact with me. ‘Like you were.’

I let my cheeks colour, ducked my head. Pussy Alec 101.

I said, ‘Let’s hope not.’

Jace gave me a kind of reassuring smile without actually smiling. Fucking hell, I loved him so much. It was so hard not to touch him.

Magnus closed his eyes, making complex movements with his hands. While I waited, I let myself examine what, if any, feelings I had for him.

I liked him, at least in an abstract kind of way. He was kind and intelligent and generous. He was attractive, too.

 _He_ _’s not Jace_ , _though_ , snarled my entire being. _Not our Jace._

My Parabatai frowned slightly, glancing at me. I did my best to look pathetic and ashamed of myself for being in love with him. I held up a glass wall, showing him what he needed to see, but cloaking him from the truth.

 _Not long,_ I promised myself.

‘No,’ Magnus said, dropping his hands angrily. ‘I can’t feel her at all.’

‘Damn it,’ Jace swore. ‘We have to find her!’

Magnus shot him a disapproving look. ‘Well, let’s not do anything rash _just_ yet.’

Jace flinched, a spike of lightning panic lancing his chest.

‘What?’ I demanded quickly, looking between them. ‘What does that mean?’

‘Nothing,’ Jace said, shooting Magnus a cold, warning look. ‘Look, even a radius of where she last was would be useful.’

My beautiful soul mate was lying once again. He lied so much. It hurt me that Magnus seemed to know something about how Jace had found me, but I would put it aside for now.

For now.

I checked my phone, mostly debating sending Sebastian a vile death threat or two, when it burst to life. Simon was calling.

‘Hello?’

He was so out of breath it hurt my ear. ‘ _I_ _’ve found her trail!’_

‘What? Where?’

_‘Apartment building on North Moore Street.’_

‘OK, we’re coming now.’

_‘I’m going inside.’_

‘No, wait for us, Simon!’

_‘If she’s in there, I’m getting her out right the fuck now.’_

‘You wanna risk something going wrong? We’ll be there in like ten seconds!’

_‘How the fuck—?’_

‘Magnus?’ I pleaded, mostly with my eyes. ‘North Moore Street.’

He sighed. ‘One day, I’ll start charging you pesky kids.’

* * *

It was busy, but Magnus was smart. He portalled us in the back of a nearby store and we ran the rest of the way. Simon was lurking unsubtly in a doorway of the apartment building.

‘Her blood,’ he said without preamble. ‘There’s a droplet of it right there.’

‘How fresh is it?’

‘Hours,’ he confirmed as we stared up at the huge building. Strategically, it was a nightmare. Too many rooms, so many ways to tip him off we were nearby. ‘She’s in there, I can feel it.’

‘Where’s Clary?’

‘Inside,’ he said. ‘Seeing if anyone has noticed anything weird.’

‘Hey,’ Jace said, touching his shoulder. ‘We’ll find her.’

I tried to imagine Simon’s feelings for my sister, but it was too distant and not relevant enough. Izzy was important, his feelings for her were not.

I looked around at the street, packed with Mundanes in broad daylight.

‘We’re at a distinct disadvantage here,’ I pointed out.

‘Undoubtedly his intention,’ Magnus said.

Clary came out, still smiling, fake and polite. She let it drop the moment she saw us. ‘Basement,’ she said, hurrying us away from the main doors and to the left. ‘Few people have seen someone matching Sebastian’s description coming and going. He wore a janitor’s uniform but apparently nothing’s getting cleaned.’

‘How do we get inside?’ Jace asked. ‘Without him seeing, I mean?’

‘I can go,’ Magnus said. ‘I can glamour myself to be invisible.’

‘Alone?’ I said. ‘No way.’

‘I can go and check, at least. See if he’s there.’

I didn’t like it and neither did the others, but it was the best we had.

‘Fine,’ I bit out. ‘But be careful and don’t interact with him, just come straight back.’

He gave me a mock salute and vanished.

The four of us waited down the side of the building, standing around stupidly. Clary and Jace were taking turns speaking to Luke on the phone.

‘So, you feel better?’ Simon asked me after an awkward minute of silence.

‘Obviously,’ I said, raising an eyebrow.

‘That’s good,’ he prattled on, nerves making him chatty. ‘I’m glad we found you, even if it was a huge fuck up.’

I didn’t react, stayed calm. ‘Fuck up?’

‘Yeah, Jace and the whole thing,’ he said distractedly eyeing the building.

‘Hmm,’ I said. ‘He didn’t say you were there with him.’

‘I was lookout, but I heard what happened. Clary told me. I heard the Demon’s voice too. As if there wasn’t enough that night to give me nightmares.’

‘He was stupid,’ I sighed, not wanting to alert him to the fact he was, perhaps unwittingly, revealing more than he should. ‘Using a Demon.’

‘Clary said Bargaining Demons can’t be trusted.’

‘I would have done the same for him.’

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Did he tell you what he gave up?’

‘No,’ I said carefully.

‘Thought as much, wouldn’t tell us either. Ah, he’s back!’ he said, dashing towards a newly visible Magnus who shook his head.

‘They _were_ there, but they’re gone.’

‘Fuck!’ Clary said in a rare outburst. ‘Any indication—?’

‘Not really. A bunch of science and dull notes about formulas. There was something, though. Izzy wrote a word on a pipe in what seems to be her own blood.’

‘Which was?’

 _‘Supplier_.’

‘I knew it,’ I said. ‘He’s going after the supplier of the drug.’

‘Why?’

‘From what I saw,’ Magnus said. ‘He wants to make it himself.’

‘OK, I ask again, _why_?’

‘Maybe he wants to control the supply to others,’ I said, but that wasn’t true and I knew it. He wanted it for himself, a lifetime supply to maintain his change.

I knew it because it was what I wanted.

Jace looked at me, frowning a little. I immediately cut the chords on that thought, let myself feel ashamed and guilty, base ingredients for the Alec he needed to see.

He wouldn’t _always_ need that Alec. Over time I would let myself relax, little by little. Small steps, nothing to alarm him.

Then we would leave together, run away and disappear into each other for all time. He would be mine with nothing in between.

It was all I wanted.

‘Makes sense,’ Simon said. ‘We need to find them. Magnus, can you trace her now if she’s not inside a barrier?’

The Warlock closed his eyes, connecting to his magic. ‘Yes,’ he said, frowning intensely. ‘But it’s…not easy.’

‘What is it?’ Clary asked.

‘She’s with Sebastian, but I can’t see him or anything around him. I can feel her, but he’s somehow blocking me.’

‘Fuck, can you see anything?’

After a minute of intense, palpable concentration, he opened his eyes.

‘She’s so smart,’ he said, running a hand through his hair. ‘She’s tapping her location in Morse code against her thigh. Sixty in SoHo.’

‘The hotel?’

‘Must be. Everyone ready?’

‘Which part are we portalling into?’

‘Rooftop bar,’ Magnus said. ‘Fabulous Mai Tai’s.’

* * *

The scene we landed in was not what I expected. The rooftop area was large and chilly, stylishly set out but totally devoid of people and after a second it was easy to see why.

There were people, technically. They were just in pieces.

Blood and gore was strewn like streamers and confetti; seats, floor, the bar. Everywhere we looked we saw little pieces of meat and blood.

Distantly, I heard the fire alarm ringing beneath us.

Clary knelt down and poked some clothing, attempting to locate anything we could use to ID the scraps of flesh. ‘What the hell happened?’

Simon stopped, turning abruptly. ‘Izzy?’

We all spun around, searching frantically. ‘What? You smell her?’ Jace asked, sharing my panic and worry.

‘There,’ Simon instructed, heading towards the small wooden bar area. ‘Behind.’

I ran to the edge of the rooftop, skidding to a halt as I peered behind the bar and saw my sister unconscious and lying in a wide puddle of blood on the ground.

‘Izzy!’ I put my hands on her still warm body, gently trying to assess the damage. Jace was right there a second later and he activated her healing rune and drew a few others to help. She stirred, but her injuries had been severe. She’d been beaten and shot twice in the stomach.

‘It’s OK,’ I said, ripping the hem of my shirt and wadding it against the wounds on her stomach which would not heal so quickly. ‘We’re here now.’

She groaned and tried to move, but Jace stopped her. ‘Let us heal you up some more first, OK? You can kick ass later.’

‘Is she all right?’ Clary called out. The area behind the bar was so narrow there wasn’t enough room for them to follow.

‘Move the bar back,’ I instructed.

Simon obliged, running to her side the moment he was finished.

‘Hey,’ he said shakily smiling at her as she tried to focus her vision on him. ‘What have I told you about showing off, huh?’

Jace was steadily applying fresh runes as I tore off more material to press against the still bleeding gunshot wounds close together in her stomach. Izzy looked at Simon and smiled weakly before croaking out, ‘Max...need to get Max here.’

'Of course,' Simon assured her. 'Does Sebastian have him?'

She shook her head slowly. 'S'one...watching him.'

'Mother fucker,' Jace snarled quietly. 'We'll get him back here, sweetheart, don't worry.'

Izzy swallowed. 'Clary.'

Clary dropped to her knees, eyes bright as she took her friend's hand.

‘I’m right here.’

‘Sebastian,’ Izzy said thickly, throat working. ‘He’s your brother. I’m…sorry.’

‘I don’t care,’ Clary said, kissing her hand. ‘You’re all I care about right now.’

‘Alec,’ Jace said in a low tone that made my heart plummet. ‘One bullet is still inside her I think.’

‘Fuck. We need to get her back to the Institute.’

‘Should we risk moving her?’

‘I can freeze her body, put her in a kind of stasis,’ Magnus said. ‘That should be safe enough so we can move her.’

Jace looked at me, naked fear in his eyes completely mirroring mine. The feeling was unexpected and part of me distantly wondered if it was the bond between us bleeding his emotions so strongly into me…or if the other Alec was slowly taking control through my weaknesses.

I stroked my sister’s hair and nodded. ‘Do it.’

* * *

The medics in the Institute were second to none and it was less than an hour before they came to us with reassurances that Isabelle would be fine in a day or so. It was mostly the blood loss, they explained. The bullets had been removed, internal scarring fully healed.

‘Her injuries were substantial,’ one of them told me quietly. ‘She took one hell of a beating.’

Clary was beside herself, all unspent rage and anxiety. ‘I’m going to kill him,’ she said, head in her hands as we sat outside the medical rooms. ‘I’ll pull him apart, I swear to the Angel!’

‘We’ll all help,’ Simon said, staring at the doors. ‘But right now, we need to be smart and we need to be there for Izzy.’

‘Of course we will,’ Clary said. ‘That goes without saying. I just…feel responsible. He’s _my_ brother, how could I not see it?’

Simon wrapped his arm around her and the two sat silently for a while. Jace had been quiet ever since the medics assured us she would be fine, but I could feel him so clear it was like his soul was speaking aloud.

He needed comfort. My Parabatai was mentally wrecked and he needed me.

‘Jace,’ I said softly. ‘Walk with me.’

He leaned away from the wall uncertainly, but Clary and Simon didn’t even look up from where they sat, holding each other. He followed me as I led him to our living quarters and then his bedroom.

‘Shouldn’t we…?’ he asked.

‘She’s gonna be asleep for at least a few hours, you heard them.’

He looked down, unease plaguing him as he questioned my motives.

'Did Robert get your message?'

I nodded. 'He's taking Max to Alicante, they're going alone. He should be safe.'

'That's what he was using against her, right?'

'Had to be. She'd do anything for Max. He could have been lying, but she wouldn't take the risk.'

‘You need to shower,’ I told him firmly, but kindly. ‘You need to eat and then you need to sleep.’

‘Alec,’ he said in a rush, like he was forcing himself to say it. ‘We need to—’

‘No, we don’t,’ I countered gently. ‘We don’t need to do anything, OK? You need to take care of yourself and so do I. What good will we be otherwise?’

I went into his en suite and turned on the shower for him, setting it to the red-hot temperature he liked and then set out a fresh towel on the side.

‘I’m gonna make something for Clary too,’ I said as I dried my wet hand on my jeans. ‘She looks so pale.’

He was watching me, I felt it. In these quiet in-between moments, his scrutiny of me was intensified and I knew I had to be so careful.

‘Will you…?’ he began, but trailed off. ‘Do you want to stay?’

I looked up. ‘With you?’

He _blushed_. Oh, it was almost too much. ‘Yeah.’

I let out a pained sigh, shaking my head. ‘I’m so sorry, Jace,’ I told him. ‘I wish I could go back and be _stronger_ for you. Not let it happen. I’ve fucked up so bad.’

‘No,’ he insisted, coming closer. ‘No, it was me too.’

I put my hands up, gesturing as though trying to control myself. ‘I just need some space, please. Let me take care of you like I know how to.’ I gave a half-hearted smile. ‘With food and sleep.’

His pain radiated over me. ‘Are we…going to be OK?’

I let myself experience that pain, let it penetrate me so that my eyes clouded with tears. ‘I want to believe that we will, Jace,’ I told him.

He had been slowly closing the distance between us and he stopped bare inches from me, his heartbeat echoing in my chest.

‘Is it really you?’ he breathed.

I laughed bitterly. ‘I wish it wasn’t.’

‘I can’t live without you, Alec. You know I can’t.’

I wiped my eyes. ‘So we’ll get past it, then. Whatever we have to do, OK?’

He wanted me to stay. He wanted me to kiss him and never leave his side. His soul sang it to me and the _agony_ of not giving in there and then would forever stay with me.

‘I have to go,’ I forced myself to say. ‘Shower, rest. I’ll bring food.’

That was it. A little _click_ as a final piece of his suspicions chipped away and fell. He believed me, now. My denial of self was enough to convince him.

At the door he said, ‘Say you still love me.’

I closed my eyes, chest tight. ‘Always,’ I promised. I waited for the door to close behind me before I allowed myself a small, victorious smile.

*

_A/N - That was one long motherfucker of a chapter and, quite frankly, testament to how much I love you all. I will warn you all that the next chapter is going to take a dark and triggery turn so be prepared. I am also way behind on my book so gaps between updates will vary for a while. Hope you enjoyed. Comments would be so appreciated._


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Fucking Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter.  
> Jace's night takes a dark and irreversible turn.

****_TRIGGER WARNINGS!!_  
_This chapter is dark and grim (I warned you in the tag a while ago I tend to go dark and yup, here we are)_  
**SPOILERS**! It involves non explicit Non-Con by OMC's. __**End Spoilers!**  


* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

**-Fucking Hell-**

_‘_ _Blue, blue caravan_

_Won't you drive away all of these tears?_

_For my true love is a man that I haven't seen in years._

_He said, "Go where you have to for I belong to you until my dying day."_

_So, like a fool, blue caravan,_

_I believed him, and I walked away._ _’_

_-Vienna Teng_

**-Jace-**

He’d left me to sleep, but it was unlikely to happen in the best of circumstances. The food he’d made, melty cheese toast pockets, sat uneaten on a plate by my bed. My mind and heart were a tightly wound knot of confusion and pain. A headache formed and took up residency right in the back of my skull.

I wanted to get drunk so bad my hands were shaking.

People had teased me before; Izzy and Alec often expressed their disapproval over how much I drank but I never listened. Drinking was fun, it made everything better, at least in the moment.

When I was alone though, it was clear how much I relied on it.

Problem? Drink. Celebration? Drink. Hooking up? Drink. Boredom? Drink. _Alec_? Drink.

The ghost of Alec’s presence lingered long after he’d gone. He was only next door, our separation made of nothing but brick and plaster. I felt him, still, through the bond. This intangible thing, a link between us on a basic level. It was stronger than it had ever been before, now. His emotions were back to being well controlled again, nothing like how he was days ago. He felt like my Alec, but we were closer now. Bonded on a deeper level.

In the crashing quiet that always followed coming down from a mission, I sat alone and every bad thought I’d kept at bay came flooding in.

There were hundreds of images; regrets and fears. I experienced them one by one, letting those with the sharpest edges cut the deepest.

I was so fucking weak. Last night was my fault. It was my fault that Alec thought it was _his_ fault. This was all on me.

It was always on me, right from the start.

* * *

_‘So, your name’s Jonathon?’_

_I flinched. Every time someone said my full name, I heard my father and his masterful way of turning it into a rebuke._

_‘I go by Jace,’ I said, slightly puffing out my chest._

_The young Lightwood boy narrowed his eyes._ _‘That’s not a derivative of Jonathon.’_

_As insolently as possible, I leaned back in the chair._ _‘Jonathon Christopher. JC. Jace.’_

_‘I guess.’_

_Silence spread between us awkwardly. I looked around at the kitchen, taking in everything and delaying the time when I needed to look back at him._

_‘When is your Mom coming back?’_

_‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged. ‘They might be a while if they’re discussing important stuff.’_

_‘Like what to do with me, huh?’_

_‘I suppose.’_

_I sighed and looked at him._ _‘What was your name again? Alex?’_

_‘Alec,’ he corrected quickly._

_‘Well,’ I said with no small amount of snark. ‘That’s not_ technically _a derivative of Alexander, is it? There_ _’s no C in Alexander.’_

_He changed the subject._ _‘How old are you?’_

_‘Ten.’_

_‘I’m nearly twelve.’_

_I scoffed._ _‘You want a medal?’_

_‘You’re rude.’_

_I balked slightly._ _‘I am not. My…people always say I’m polite. You Mom said I was one of the most well-mannered boys she’d ever met.’_

_‘Well, you’re being rude to me.’_

_‘Yeah,_ well _I_ _’m just pissed off that I got shoved in here with you, like I need a babysitter.’_

_‘I think they didn’t want you to feel alone,’ Alec said softly, though still scowling slightly. ‘After, y’know.’_

_Just the mere reference to it got my back up._ _‘Whatever.’_

_The kitchen door opened and a young girl was pushed gently inside by her Dad, Robert._

_‘But I don’t want to!’ she insisted under her breath._

_‘Why don’t you make the boys something to eat?’ he said, still pushing her in. ‘Won’t be long!’ He closed the door quickly and she turned with a defeated sigh._

_‘Hello,’ she said dully to me. ‘I’m Isabelle.’_

_‘Jace,’ I said, giving her a nod._

_She went and leaned up to the counter on tiptoes, reaching for a glass._

_‘I’m not making any food,’ she warned. ‘I don’t even know why he said that.’_

_‘Did you hear anything?’ Alec asked his sister. ‘About what they’re saying?’_

_Isabelle shot me a hesitant glance._ _‘Maybe.’_

_I looked down._ _‘You can tell me, if it’s…what did they say?’_

_‘They said you saw it. You saw your Dad die.’ She didn’t say it with pity or sadness, just statement of fact, waiting for me to confirm._

_Suddenly, my swagger faltered and threatened to crack. The vicious and vivid memory flared up painfully, so much that I could almost smell the smoke, feel the heat of the fire._

_‘Yeah,’ I said, swallowing. ‘I saw it.’_

_Alec moved like he was going to put his hand on mine, but thought better of it. Traitorous disappointment hit me hard, catching me off guard. Had I wanted him to touch me?_

_My father would have been disgusted._

Seeking physical reassurance, Jonathon? Weakness incarnate.

_‘That’s…I’m sorry,’ the Lightwood boy said, glancing worriedly at his sister._

_A retort sat ready and waiting, but I kept it at bay._ _‘Thanks,’ I said instead. ‘So, what do you think will happen to me? I don’t have any other family. Is there, like, Shadowhunter foster care or whatever?’_

_‘No, not that I’m aware of,’ Alec said. ‘It’s possible you’ll stay here.’_

_‘With you?’_

_‘Our parents run this Institute, so yeah, I would think so.’_

_I tried to look annoyed._ _‘OK.’_

_‘Do you want to come and train with us?’ Isabelle asked after a moment of silence._

_Anything was better than sitting there._ _‘Sure,’ I said, following them out of the kitchen._

_‘Are you a good fighter?’ she asked._

_I snorted._ _‘Only the best.’_

_‘Arrogant, huh?’ she smirked._

_‘Just honest.’_

_Alec chuckled, holding the door for us._ _‘We’ll see.’_

* * *

Unable to sleep and knowing how much Alec _needed_ to sleep, I walked the residential halls of the Institute, careful to avoid anyone on active duty. I ended up circling back to the medical area, surprised to see Simon still there without Clary.

‘Hey,’ I said quietly. He looked up, blinking owlishly. ‘Sorry, were you asleep?’

‘Not really,’ he said, wincing and rubbing his neck. ‘Well, maybe but I immediately regret it. My neck is destroyed.’

I sat beside him. ‘No news?’

He shook his head. ‘Clary went to get coffee. We thought you were sleeping.’

‘I tried. No use.’

‘You’ve been through a lot, man,’ he said. ‘Sleep is necessary.’

I let my head fall back against the wall. ‘I’d rather be drunk, truth be told.’

‘Hey,’ he said with the tone of someone breaching an awkward conversation. ‘I was thinking about something Alec asked me earlier and I…I don’t know if I’ve unintentionally fucked up.’

‘Oh?’

‘He was asking me about the…y’know, the deal you made.’

The gnawing feeling twisted. ‘What did you tell him?’

He blew air through his teeth. ‘I wasn’t paying attention enough to even think maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, that maybe you hadn’t told him. I said that you’d made a deal with a demon.’

_No._

‘Oh, fuck, Simon!’

‘I’m really sorry,’ he said. ‘I really wasn’t thinking and he made it seem like he already knew, but when I asked Clary, she said he definitely didn’t know.’

If I didn’t want a drink before, I sure as shit did now. ‘Fucking hell!’

‘Language,’ a medic reprimanded, standing in the doorway.

We both whipped around comically fast.

‘Is she awake?’ Simon asked.

‘She is. If you’re quiet and contain your foul mouth, you can come see her but only for a few minutes.’

Trying to appear calm, we walked briskly in and made a beeline for her bed. She was sitting halfway upright and already looked so much better.

‘Izzy!’ I gasped, gently pressing a kiss to her cheek. ‘Are you OK?’

She smiled up at me. ‘I’m OK. You got Max out of France?’

‘He’s safe,’ I promised. ‘He’s travelling with Dad only, they’re gonna check in with us tomorrow so we know they’re OK.’

Simon bent to hug her, wrapping his arms carefully around her and holding her there longer than convention would have dictated. ‘I was so worried,’ he whispered.

‘I really am fine,’ she said. ‘Getting shot absolutely fucking sucks, though.’

I sat on the other side of her bed so Simon could sit beside her and hold her hand.

‘What happened?’ I asked.

She sighed and shook her head. ‘He took me, fucking asshole is stronger than he looks and he’s got some kind of powers. He explained that he needs the drug to stay good.’

‘Wait, what?’

She nodded. ‘I mean, that’s what he told me. Said he’d been Valentine’s evil experiment all his life and that until he was taken, like Alec was, and shot up with that shit, he’d been the biggest evil thing that ever evilled.’

Simon asked, ‘And then what? He just became good?’

‘Better than he was, at least. He wants to manufacture the drug for himself so he can sustain the change. He needed me to protect him when he went to meet the supplier. He threatened Max.’

‘So, the whole thing about the docks _was_ bullshit then?’

‘He knew you’d check out the warehouse, stir up shit with the dealers and force the kingpin out in the open.’

‘What happened on the roof?’

She sighed. ‘He didn’t tell me how he knew, but the supplier was on the rooftop deck of that hotel. We went, he attacked the henchmen and all hell broke loose. I…’ she faltered. ‘I did my best to protect him.’

‘We understand, Izzy,’ I assured her. ‘You did it for Max.’

‘I tried not to kill anyone,’ she said. ‘But his magic tore people apart, like they were bread. They panicked and started blanket shooting. I got hit, ducked for cover and must have passed out.’

‘You didn’t see the supplier? What happened to Sebastian?’

‘No,’ she said morosely. ‘It was chaos. Jace, I saw Alec with you all. He’s OK now?’

I nodded. ‘He got it out of his system.’ I left out the details, especially about how I _helped_ him flush it out of his system with reality shattering sex.

‘You’re sure?’

‘I can feel it,’ I said. ‘He’s completely different.’

‘All right, that’s something good at least.’

‘She needs to rest,’ the Medic said as he walked past.

‘Yeah, we’ll come back tomorrow,’ Simon said before she could protest. ‘Do a full and impressive debrief after we’ve all slept.’

Reluctant, but clearly still exhausted, she agreed. ‘OK.’

I tried not to watch them part, but I saw the way he framed her face before pressing a fervent, gentle kiss to her forehead. I didn’t hear what he whispered.

‘Jace,’ she said as Simon moved away. ‘Thank you.’

I rubbed my neck. ‘What for?’

‘For taking care of Alec. He wouldn’t have got through it without you.’

The guilt of that pretty much split me in half.

‘No problem.’

‘Get some rest, huh? What use will you be if you can’t even stand upright?’

‘Only the best,’ I told her with a wink.

She sighed, snuggling down into the bed, beneath the covers. ‘Still so arrogant.’

* * *

_That first night was the worst. It was the most alone I_ _’d ever felt in my entire life. I’d always had my father, even when things were difficult. Now, I had no one. Ten years old and alone in the world, in a strange bedroom with alien objects and a weird, almost sterile smell._

_The bed was huge and too spacious. Four posters made it darker than it needed to be. This wasn_ _’t anyone’s room. It was intended for guests. People staying briefly before moving on._

_But I was not moving on._

_In the darkness and cloying quiet, I lay wide awake and stared at the ceiling, seeing my father burn to death. He had screamed as he died. I_ _’d never heard him scream before. The fire was so hot, everything since then had felt oddly cold._

_I_ _’d watched him burn and die, like a coward._

_The emotion threatened to eat me alive. I kicked off the covers and sat on the edge of the high, ridiculously huge bed, feet dangling above the hardwood floor._

_‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, eyes tightly closed. ‘I’m so sorry.’_

_He wouldn_ _’t have liked that, though, me apologising. ‘Try harder, Jace,’ I told myself, hearing his voice instead of my own._

_That, more than anything, caused a sob to bubble up in my throat. I would never hear his voice again. The last time I_ _’d ever heard him, he was screaming as he burned._

_The sob turned into a wrenched yell, anger and despair crashing through me with no outlet but my own sorrow. Tears came, despite training against such weaknesses._

_I wanted to go home, but it was burned to the ground. They told me they_ _’d recovered his body, or what little remained of it, two days ago. Maybe I had no home anymore, but I could still try and find one for myself. Go to the places Dad had told me about, hunt the things we spoke of late at night. Become the warrior he expected me to be. I could finish my training alone; I was disciplined enough._

_Alone. That word again._

_I jumped down from the bed quietly, scouting around the room for what I could take. The clothes they gave me were all new, slightly too big and not worn in. I just needed a bag, something to put them in._

_There was a soft knock on the door. I froze. Maybe if I stayed quiet, they would go away._

_But no, the knock came again._ _‘Jace?’_

_It sounded like the Lightwood boy._

_I scrambled back up onto the bed, diving beneath the covers._ _‘Yeah?’ I called out sleepily._

_He opened the door and came inside._

_‘What?’ I asked, sounding annoyed to have been woken._

_‘Uh, sorry,’ he said quietly, slipping inside. ‘I heard…yelling?’_

_Oh, right._

_‘Wasn’t me,’ I lied sullenly._

_‘Yeah, I just didn’t know if you heard it too,’ he said. ‘Wow, your bed is huge.’_

_I sat up._ _‘Yeah. I hate it.’_

_The older boy watched me for a moment._ _‘You wanna swap? Mine is smaller.’_

_I bristled._ _‘Smaller bed for the small boy?’_

_‘No. Just thought you might be more comfortable.’_

_I wouldn_ _’t be comfortable anywhere. ‘No, I’m fine.’_

_‘You said you hate it.’_

_‘Yeah, so?’_

_He looked bemused._ _‘So, if you hate something, you should change it.’_

_‘We’re not all spoilt little rich kids, you know.’_

_He came closer and I was surprise to see he was smiling a little._ _‘I know. You’re much cooler than I am and clearly tougher.’_

_‘Are you teasing me?’_

_‘No. Being honest.’_

_I frowned._ _‘You’re weird.’_

_‘I know that too,’ he said. ‘Look, whatever that noise was, it scared me. Do you mind if I stay in here with you for a while?’_

_‘I don’t want you stay in here,’ I said. He blinked, clearly a little hurt. His pain affected me, made me want to take it back but I couldn’t. Instead I said, ‘Could we go into your room?’_

_‘Oh,’ he perked up. ‘Yeah, of course.’_

_I hopped down from the bed._ _‘Lead on, Macduff.’_

_He grinned and held the door open for me._ _‘You know, that’s a misquotation. It’s actually,_ Lay on, _Macduff_.’

_I was about to snap at him, call him a know it all loser, but he hadn_ _’t said it with hubris. I contained my response and nodded. ‘Huh. You learn something new every day.’_

_Part of him seemed to be expecting me to sneer at his correction. I knew I_ _’d done the right thing when his face lit up. His smile was beautiful. There was no other word for it._

_His room was miles away. Two different corridors to get there. It was already a drastic improvement from the hollow guest cavern I_ _’d been given. His bed was reasonably normal, still a double but much lower and he had no curtains on the posters. It was lived in, well used and smelled of him._

_‘There’s a bathroom in there,’ he pointed. ‘I don’t know if you got a chance to have a shower or whatever.’_

_‘I did,’ I told him. It was one of the first things the paramedics suggested, once they established I had no injuries. I remembered them saying it would be good for me to get clean as soon as possible. Wash away the smell of…_

_I shook myself._ _‘Can I stay in here? I’ll sleep on the floor. I just don’t want to go back to that other room.’_

_‘Of course you can,’ he said. ‘But you take the bed, I’ll just go next door whenever you’re tired.’_

_‘No,’ I said quickly. ‘That’s OK.’_

_He nodded and seemed to understand, though he didn_ _’t comment._

_‘You wanna talk?’_

_‘No,’ I said automatically because that seemed like some girly bullshit._

_He sat on his bed._ _‘Yeah, that would be lame. You’re a great fighter, you know.’_

_‘I do indeed know that,’ I said, sitting at the end of the bed opposite him._

_He cracked a grin._ _‘So humble.’_

_‘Why should I pretend to be ashamed of being talented? You’re amazing with a bow and arrow, you’re not ashamed.’_

_He blushed a little._ _‘I’m not amazing.’_

_‘Oh, you_ are _ashamed._ _’_

_‘No,’ he said, picking at the bedspread. ‘I just don’t go around broadcasting it.’_

_‘Why not?’_

_He opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out._

_‘Yeah, exactly. Modesty is useless.’_

_‘People won’t like you if you go around saying how great you are.’_

_‘Some people won’t,’ I shrugged. ‘But you’re not great at_ everything _, I mean no one is. Being proud of what you are great at shouldn_ _’t be an issue.’_

_‘You’re great at a lot of stuff.’_

_‘Yeah,’ I nodded, leaning back. ‘I can speak four languages. I play piano. I kick ass.’_

_He smiled._ _‘No denying that.’_

_I couldn_ _’t help but smile in return. ‘And you’re a kick ass archer. Own it.’_

_‘I like that you’re full of yourself,’ Alec said. ‘Confidence is good.’_

_‘Do you go out on missions?’ I asked, changing the subject._

_‘Yeah,’ he replied. ‘Izzy and me go out with some of the older kids, the teenagers. Hodge always comes along to supervise. Have you had much experience in the field?’_

_‘I have.’_

_‘You killed things?’_

_‘Yup.’_

_‘Scary things?’_

_‘They’re not scary,’ I said. ‘They’re just dangerous.’_

_‘Like what?’_

_‘Demons.’_

_His jaw dropped._ _‘You have not killed demons!’_

_I grinned._ _‘Have too. Well, banished them after a solid ass kicking.’_

_‘On your own?’_

_‘My Dad supervised,’ I said. ‘But mostly on my own, yeah. Last one was tough, I did it all myself. My Dad just watched to make sure nothing went wrong; he didn’t intervene at all.’_

_‘What kind of demon?’_

_‘Nasty fucker,’ I said. ‘Bela-whatever.’_

_Alec gasped._ _‘You swore.’_

_Dad never let me swear. Vulgarity was unappealing and a waste of vocabulary. It had felt good though, giving me a small thrill of exhilaration._

_‘So?’ I said smugly. ‘It’s only a word.’_

_‘Yeah, but it’s a bad word.’_

_‘Alec,’ I sighed. ‘It’s just a word.’_

_‘Right, but it means…y’know.’_

_‘Sex? What’s wrong with that? It’s not like it’s a bad thing.’_

_He bit his lip, clearly a little excited._ _‘I guess. Don’t let Mom hear you say it, though.’_

_I snorted._ _‘Please. She’s not_ my _Mom._ _’_

_He looked around the room._ _‘Haven’t heard that noise again.’_

_‘No,’ I said. ‘Maybe Isabelle had a nightmare or something.’_

_‘Yeah, maybe. So, tell me more about the demons you banished?’_

_I moved closer, crossing my legs._ _‘All right, get ready to swoon, Lightwood.’_

* * *

There was no sleep to be had and I couldn’t face going back to that room alone. So, I went where I usually did when I couldn’t look myself in the mirror.

‘Another,’ I slurred, music loud enough that I blissfully couldn’t hear myself think. It was like white noise. ‘S’meant to be to the top!’

The bartender rolled her eyes. ‘It was, dipshit.’

‘That’s rude,’ I said and threw back the freshly poured tequila. I felt level again; calm and relaxed. My hands were steady, my entire system at ease. ‘But I’ll let it go.’

‘Hey man!’

Someone clapped their hand on my shoulder, hard and clumsy. I looked up slowly, supremely pissed off to see that my calm had been smudged by none other than Fuckface Adam.

‘Fuck _off_ ,’ I told him, eloquently.

‘Haven’t seen you in here for ages,’ he chattered, blinking rapidly. I peered at him.

‘You’re fucking sky high, man.’

‘Yeah?’ he sniffed, eye twitching. ‘And you’re not?’

‘Nope. I’m _drunk_. There’s a difference, you tweaker piece of shit.’

He leaned on the bar beside me, not noticing his elbow was in a small puddle. ‘Where’s your bodyguards? Don’t see them around anywhere.’

‘’m shocked you can see at all.’

‘All alone, then?’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘I was _tryin_ _’_ to be, yeah!’

‘Well,’ he said, not remotely talking the hint. ‘I’ve got some friends over there, y’know. They’d love to meet you, especially after you started taking it up the ass.’

‘Fuck you!’

He snorted. ‘Not without a condom. Who knows what I might catch?’

I grabbed him by the collar and shoved him down painfully against the bar. People yelled and scrambled to get away, while others excitedly crowded closer to see a fight.

‘HEY! Let him go, Jace!’ I looked up at Nick’s serious face and relented, not in the mood to fight in the slightest. Adam slumped to the ground, coughing.

‘Rude,’ I said, grabbing my wallet from the bar and heading to the bathroom. People gave me a respectful distance, but when the music resumed, they went back to their night and the incident faded almost immediately.

The queue for the Ladies Room was long and as I passed, several of the girls greeted me. I managed a wave, but didn’t reply. I shoved past the three guys waiting outside the Mens Room and went inside, blinking in the harsh lights.

I tried to steady myself over the urinal, unzipping my fly.

‘You Jace?’ someone asked, coming to stand nearby.

‘One ‘n only,’ I said.

‘Thought as much.’

I didn’t look at the guy. Didn’t care enough to.

‘I think you know my friend?’

I sighed. ‘Probably.’

‘Yeah, you remember Dan? He said he met you in here.’

‘Uh huh.

‘Said you were a great fuck.’

I finished up and gave him the best cold glare I was capable of in such a condition.

‘That’s what they all say,’ I said and turned to leave.

‘How about we go back to mine?’

‘How about no?’

He followed me out of the bathroom, back into blissful noise and darkness.

‘C’mon, I’ll let you call me Alec.’

I stopped dead, facing him. ‘The fuck did you say?’

He gave a sneering grin. ‘Dan said you wanted to call him Alec while he fucked you. Said he’s never had such a good fuck. We asked around and apparently, you’ll fuck anyone.’

I managed a nasty, brief smile. ‘Not you, though.’

His expression lost the sneer, a splinter of anger cracking his cockiness. ‘Why not?’

‘I’m really fuckin’ bored now. Why don’t you go find your little buddy Dan and take turns fucking each other?’

He didn’t reply, eyes glittered with unvoiced anger and rejection. I left him there and shoved through the crowd, a sick feeling welling in my stomach. I shouldn’t have come out tonight, should have stayed home.

I left the club and waited at the side of the door to see if the asshole followed me, but he didn’t. People came and went, but not him. After a few minutes, I left.

This would normally be the part where I called Alec. I’d call, he’d come running and make sure I got home safe. My phone felt heavy in my pocket, but I didn’t call him. There were too many reasons, chief among them was that in my drunken state, I was more than likely to attempt something stupid.

Like kiss him.

Like telling him I needed him more than anything.

Like telling him I wanted his hand over my mouth while he fucked me again.

I had money for a cab, they were usually parked two blocks over so I took a shortcut through the alley between Sang’s and the building that used to be a gym. It was a little colder than usual for this time of year and the air felt nice in my lungs. I tasted moisture and sensed it would rain soon.

Though my instincts were drenched in alcohol, I heard footsteps. More than one pair. I turned and saw two men following me.

‘Where you goin’, Jace?’ the guy from before asked. His friend, Dan, gave me a look that, even in my drunk state, made pretty fucking crystal clear what his intentions were.

‘Home,’ I said loudly.

‘Nuh uh,’ the guy said.

I heard the third pair of footsteps too late. I tried to spin around but something cracked me over the head. Pain exploded, yellow light flashed inside my eye sockets and before I had time to react, he hit me again in the same place.

I went down hard, the world spinning as I struggled to stay conscious. I felt hands on me, someone picked me up and for a moment, I thought it was Alec. I thought he’d saved me.

But it wasn’t. I heard them laughing as they carried me somewhere else.

‘Don’t worry, sweetheart,’ one of them said, patting on me the cheek. ‘Wouldn’t wanna fuck you in the rain, would we?’

* * *

_‘Jace,’ Maryse said, looking at me over her morning coffee._

_The way she said it made me hesitant._ _‘Yeah?’_

_‘I’ve noticed you’re sleeping in Alec’s room. Every night.’_

_Defensively, I shrugged._ _‘So? He gets scared, sometimes.’_

_‘You’re protecting him?’_

_I stared down at my cereal._ _‘Yeah.’_

_She nodded. It was just us two in the small kitchen._

_‘Well, I wanted to ask if you would mind moving into the room next to Alec?’_

_‘What?’_

_‘There’s a room next to Alec, it’s a lot smaller than the one we originally gave you, but I would consider this a favour.’_

_‘Why?’ I asked with no small amount of suspicion._

_‘Alec sleeps better when you’re near him,’ she said, sipping her coffee. ‘He seems happier too. For a while, we were all very concerned about him, but having met you, it seems to have changed him.’_

_She was talking about me, offering me what I wanted in the guise of me doing her a favour for Alec._

_‘Yeah, OK,’ I said. ‘I guess I don’t mind.’_

_‘Thank you,’ she said with a warm smile. ‘It’ll mean a lot to Alec.’_

_‘He’s nice,’ I said. ‘And Izzy.’_

_‘Is there anything I can do for you in return?’_

_I considered her question._ _‘Maybe…maybe I could go out on patrols with Izzy and Alec?’_

_She seemed surprised._

_‘Yes, I suppose that would be fine. Hodge still supervises.’_

_‘I know, Alec told me. I’d like to get back to doing what I’m good at.’_

_She smiled indulgently._ _‘Alec has told me how gifted you are. He said you’re like a superhero, only real.’_

_Her compliment, even second hand, made my stomach swoop low with something resembling pride and pleasure._

_‘I try,’ I said with a cheeky grin._

_She leaned across the table and cupped my face briefly, fingers stroking my cheek._

_‘Alec will learn a lot from you, I’ve no doubt. You’re a good boy, Jace.’_

* * *

‘JACE! **_JACE_**!’

Hands on my face, slapping lightly, pulled me into consciousness.

I jerked awake violently, trying to shove him away. It was dark, the only light coming through a window behind him. I pushed him back as he said my name repeatedly.

‘JACE, STOP! It’s me, it’s Alec!’

Alec. It was Alec. Relief slammed into me so hard I could have cried.

‘Jace,’ he said, breathlessly as his hands moved, uncertain of whether to touch me or not. ‘Jace, I couldn’t find you; the bond was…you were too drunk, I…’

‘Alec,’ I said slowly, trying to clear my head from the nightmare. ‘What happened?’

His voice broke. ‘Jace, I’m sorry.’

He was crying. Angel, why was he crying? Was he hurt?

The thought of injury made me realise, quite suddenly, how much pain I was in. My whole body felt like it had been beaten with a sledgehammer and my head was splitting with the worst migraine I’d ever experienced. Gingerly, I put my hand to the back of my head and felt sticky, old blood. My skin was cold and I was in a state of undress that triggered a primal fear.

‘Alec,’ I said again, mind not cooperating. ‘Why…?’

He was still crying; I’d never seen him cry like this. His sorrow resonated deeply inside me; a great chasm of grief and anguish and in the centre of it, was my name.

Abstractly, I began to understand, but my mind was determined not to cooperate.

‘I was so close,’ he sobbed. ‘I was outside, I-I couldn’t find you until it was too late!’

For the first time, I looked around, eyes adjusting to the darkness. It was a dilapidated, vast room. Broken windows and dirty floors. No lights but for the streaming, cold moonlight from outside.

This was…where they’d carried me.

‘Oh,’ I gasped, realisation punching the breath from me. ‘Oh my God.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he cried, not knowing what to do. ‘I’m sorry, Jace, please…I’m so sorry!’

Small, distorted pieces trickled back slowly, but I didn’t want them. I could not bear them.

 _No_ , my mind said. _No_.

‘It’s OK,’ I told Alec, raising a torn and bloodied hand to try and calm him somehow. ‘I-I’m OK.’

He couldn’t stop saying he was sorry. Over and over he said it. His heartbreak was too great for me to absorb even an echo of it. Distantly, I felt myself disconnecting from my own pain. It had to be put away, locked up tight somewhere at least for now.

I would die, otherwise.

‘Alec,’ I said, trying to make him look at me. I couldn’t keep my voice steady. ‘I’m OK. See? Look, I’m fine. A little banged up, but nothing a rune won’t fix.’

He put his hands on my face, his devastation total and evident. ‘I failed you.’

‘No,’ I said, shaking my head despite the pain. ‘No, you… it’s all OK.’

‘It’s not,’ he wept. ‘I don’t know… please tell me what to do.’

I gripped both sides of his face, ignoring the pain in my hands and fingertips, and held him steady.

‘Look at me! Alec, I need you to be strong for me. You understand?’ he blinked tears down his face, so much sadness in his beautiful blue eyes. ‘Be strong for me, Parabatai.’

Gently, his hands wrapped around my wrists, just holding me.

‘I could feel it,’ he said, face screwed up. ‘I felt what they did and I c-couldn’t get to you to stop it.’

I pressed my forehead to his, allowing myself a moment of pure, undiluted suffering, shared by us both.

‘You did what you could,’ I said shakily. ‘I’m alive, Alec. That’s all that matters, right?’

The thought of losing me struck him hard; a minor chord in his symphony of distress.

‘Yes,’ he said, trying to shore up enough strength to control himself. ‘You’re alive.’

He was telling himself that, the same way I was. It could have been worse. I was alive. It didn’t matter, not really. I was alive. Bruises and cuts, skinned fingernails, internal bleeding maybe.

Alive, though. That was enough, it would fucking have to be enough.

‘And I’m OK,’ I told him, closing my eyes. ‘Or I’ll be OK once I’ve been healed.’

It was a lie, one of my worst, but it said I lot that he didn’t challenge it.

‘What can I do?’

I move back, releasing his face. It hurt to move.

‘Take me home.’

* * *

Almost immediately, he went to call for an ambulance and I stopped him. He didn’t ask why, just silently helped me get dressed and on my feet. I tried to ignore details, but it was difficult. My jeans and belt were cut with a knife, tossed in a corner near my jacket. The jeans didn’t stay up well, but I gripped them tightly and he helped me walk.

‘Let me carry you,’ he suggested. ‘Or at least do a healing rune.’

‘No,’ I said, teeth gritted. ‘Not until we’re home.’

‘Jace…’

How could I explain to him that healing myself before I was clean filled me with terror that somehow, a piece of them would get stuck inside me?

I didn’t have to, of course. He felt it.

‘Let me carry you then,’ he begged.

Like they carried me in there?

‘I’m OK,’ I said, flashing him a brief hint of a smile. ‘Been hurt worse.’

In the end, we went back to the Institute. I wanted to go to the apartment, but there was nothing of ours there. No clothes, no beds even. We took a taxi home, the line of cabs not thirty feet from where I’d been hit over the head. The journey back was silent. He held me as much as I would let him, which wasn’t much.

I would not have him contaminated.

So many times we’d made it back to our rooms without detection, but tonight had to be the exception. Henson was headed to HQ with two others as we made it inside.

‘Oh,’ he said, shooting us a disdainful up and down. ‘Looks like quite the party.’

Alec said nothing and we continued to move. Henson hung back as the others went on.

‘Y’know,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I get that you like to let loose drinking, Herondale, but this is pretty beyond the pale. It’s not a damned Frat House!’

‘Get the fuck away,’ Alec said, low and cold. ‘Before you cease to exist.’

Henson blinked. ‘What?’

‘I will rent you apart,’ Alec said. ‘Unless you move.’

The man faltered, clearly unsure of the seriousness of the threat. After a moment, however, he stalked away, muttering under his breath.

‘What a dick,’ I said, trying to be funny and failing completely.

‘Nearly there,’ Alec said, supporting me almost entirely at this point. It would have been easier for him to carry me and I knew it, but the thought was too much.

We went into his bedroom. He had the en suite and it was pretty much my room as much as his anyway. Gently, he lowered me onto the same bed where I took his virginity and finally, I let go of him and tried to catch my breath.

He went straight to the bathroom and got me a glass of water. I took a few sips, painfully reminded of our role reversal, not long ago.

I kept my focus on the glass, not wanting to look up and see him.

‘You want to shower,’ he said. It wasn’t a question.

‘I need to, yeah.’ I almost wanted to make a self-deprecating joke about how stunningly accurate the stereotype of rape victims always being in the shower really was, but that was the first time I’d even thought of the word and it brought bile up into my throat. I kept it down by sheer force of will.

‘You can’t shower like this,’ he said gently. ‘You can barely stand.’

‘I’ll be fine,’ I said, slowly reaching to put the glass on his nightstand. He took it and placed it down for me, making his point pretty well.

‘You won’t let me heal you first?’

‘No.’

‘Can I help you, then?’

‘Help me shower?’ I stared unseeingly at some point across the room. ‘OK.’

It was quite something to have him undress me and it be the least sexy thing in the world. He’d only helped me _get_ dressed less than half an hour ago. Each time he peeled off a layer, I felt his pain at seeing some new injury I forced myself to avoid.

The disconnect was strong and I wanted to keep it that way.

‘All right,’ he said thickly. ‘Let’s go.’

Together, we made it to the bathroom. He ran the shower, adjusting the temperature. Then he removed his jacket, shoes and shirt, but left on his vest and pants.

‘Ready?’ he asked. I gave a brisk nod.

The water hit my skin and my nervous system jolted.

‘Too hot?’

‘No,’ I said flatly. ‘I’m fine.’

We got inside the spacious shower together and I stood under the spray, letting my eyes fall shut. The hot water brought attention to each little cut, graze, bruise and ache. I knew if I looked down, I would see my own blood circling the drain.

‘Jace,’ he said hesitantly, holding me up with one arm. ‘Do you want me to…clean you?’

I really didn’t. I couldn’t bear any of it. Him touching in me this way, having to let him do this after…I shook my head, hoping to dislodge the thought.

It was easier, though and then he could heal me. I would be healed and all of this, it would be like a bad dream.

‘Yeah, OK,’ I said.

He rubbed soap onto his hands. ‘I…I’m going to touch you now, OK? Tell me to stop if _anything_ is too much.’

‘Yeah.’

Slowly and methodically, he began to clean my body. He knew what I wanted and he sought to give me that cleanliness, if only exterior. His hands were careful, making sure every inch of me was washed and rinsed. He stayed silent the entire time and now he was trying to control his thoughts and reactions. I appreciated the effort, if not the lack of success.

When he came to the last place, the thing I dreaded most, he paused.

‘I don’t—’ he broke off, unable to vocalise his inability to proceed as emotion overwhelmed him. I opened my eyes and braced myself, leaning against the glass.

‘Just do it,’ I said. ‘Make me clean.’

But the water would never be hot enough. My skin would never shed and regrow enough.

I would never be clean again.

* * *

Only once I was dry and my clothes were all thrown away did I allowed him to heal me. I sat on his bed wearing his pyjamas while he worked angelic magic to remove my injuries.

Him drawing the rune made it stronger, somehow. It worked faster and in barely a minute, my body was entirely damage free.

‘You feel OK?’ he asked tentatively.

‘Yeah,’ I said, looking down at the freshly repaired skin on my fingers. ‘Much better.’

‘Jace, I’m so sorry,’ he told me. I couldn’t bear his apology.

‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘Please, I just…I can’t do this, all right?’

‘I know you can’t,’ he said, wiping his eyes. ‘I can feel what you want, what you need and I don’t know if I can do it.’

‘You have to.’

‘I can’t pretend nothing happened to you. I _can_ _’t!’_

I turned to the side, anywhere but his eyes. ‘It’s what I need. At least for now.’

‘You think it’s your fault,’ he whispered.

‘It was,’ I said bluntly. ‘I got drunk, I provoked him. I left without calling you. I’m amazed it hasn’t happened before, really.’

‘No,’ he insisted. ‘No, it was _not_! The fault is theirs; you know that!’

‘Alec,’ I said, forcing myself to look at him. ‘I need you to promise me two things.’

‘No.’

‘I’m asking as your Parabatai.’

‘Don’t make me promise it, I won’t.’

I took his hands in mine.

‘You promise me right here and now that you won’t tell anyone.’ He resisted. ‘If you love me, you’ll do it.’

He ground his jaw; eyes bright. ‘I promise I won’t tell anyone.’

‘Good, and now promise me you won’t kill them.’

He looked down, tears running as he shook his head.

 _‘No_.’

‘Promise me right now.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Alec, I can feel what you want to do to them. I just…I can’t have that, all right? Promise me. Hey, I mean it.’

‘I don’t want to make a promise I know I’ll break.’

I leaned back. ‘Then you don’t love me.’

He looked up, resentful of this boundary and of my manipulation.

‘That’s not fair.’

‘It’s what I need,’ I said plainly. ‘Swear to me.’

Finally, I felt him acquiesce, albeit bitterly. ‘I swear I won’t kill them.’

‘Good,’ I said as quicksand-like exhaustion began to pull me down. ‘After tonight, we don’t talk about unless I say so, got it?’

He nodded miserably. ‘Whatever you need.’

‘OK. Do you want me to stay?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I’ll go back to my own room.’

There was this moment where he stood and I knew exactly what he was thinking. If he’d have stayed with me earlier that night, none of this would’ve happened. He hated himself then, blamed himself more than I would ever be able to talk him out of.

‘You stay here,’ he said, grabbing his phone and a change of clothes. ‘You’ll sleep better in here. I’ll only be next door.’

His heartbreak was mine, everything shared between us now. No walls or divides. Ostensibly, there wasn’t any point asking him to leave.

But I needed to be alone. I couldn’t be near him.

‘Yeah, sure,’ I said. ‘Remember what I said.’

‘Of course. Night.’

He didn’t look back as he left and I knew it was because he was crying again. Part of me was so disconnected, I wondered why he was even _that_ upset.

‘You’re OK,’ I breathed so quietly once he closed the door. ‘You’re fine.’

Tomorrow would be better. Tomorrow I would solidify the necessary pretence that none of this was real and eventually, it wouldn’t be real. It was fade, like a scar.

I told myself that until darkness came and took me.

* * *

_A/N - OK, so I realise this is a bit of a left turn, but that's how I wanted it; an unexpected gut punch. I hope the trigger warnings were sufficient for anyone who needed them._

_Apologies for the delay, this was tough to write, thanks so much for all your comments and support so far. Next chapter up sooner, I hope._


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Won't You Let Me Try?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath, decisions, flashbacks involving Clary and Alec says, 'What?' more than usual.

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

**-Won’t You Let Me Try?-**

_‘There's a dream that I see, I pray it can be._

_Look cross the land, shake this land._

_A wish or a command._

_A dream that I see, don't kill it, it's free,_

_You're just a man, you get what you can._ _’_

_\- Cat Power_

**\- Clary -**

‘This is so fucked up.’

‘Language!’

I rolled my eyes, Lightwood style. ‘Luke, I’m not a kid.’

‘You’re _my_ kid,’ he said firmly. ‘And you sound just like them. They swear a lot, especially Jace.’

‘Alec swears just as much,’ I told him, cracking open can of cola. ‘Only not in front of adults.’

Luke chuckled. ‘I think Alec _is_ an adult.’

The sugar and caffeine hit me in a blissful jolt. ‘You know what I mean.’

‘How are they?’

I shrugged. ‘Still waiting to see Izzy. Simon said she was up for a bit, seemed OK.’

‘You care about her.’

‘I love her,’ I told him. ‘She’s my best friend.’

‘I thought Simon was your best friend.’

‘He is. You can have more than one. Anyway, it’s inevitable that they’ll be _Simon and Izzy_ soon. A couple. My two best friends.’

He nodded quietly. ‘And how’s Alec?’

‘He seems fine,’ I said to him. ‘Jace stayed with him while he got the drug out of his system. He seemed almost normal again.’

‘The others who had the drug, they all reacted differently.’

He was hedging. ‘What? You think he’s still in danger?’

‘No, just that you and the others should all keep an eye on him.’

‘Jace will.’

‘I know that, but Jace is hardly objective when it comes to Alec.’

I put the drink down on Luke’s coffee table. There were no coasters. He didn’t give a damn about rings on the cheap wood. ‘They slept together I think.’

Luke nodded solemnly. ‘I thought as much from seeing Jace in the lab. The blood drained from his face. I’ve never seen him look that way.’

‘Luke, why is it forbidden by the Clave?’

‘I knew you’d ask that.’ He sighed. ‘The law is hard, but it is the law, Clary.’

‘OK, but why?’

He stared off for a moment. ‘I’m sure they have their reasons. You want to talk about Sebastian?’

‘You mean Jonathon?’

‘Whatever you’d like to call him.’

His offer was genuine, but I wasn’t ready to discuss anything beyond what was next.

‘No, I’m OK,’ I said, glancing at my phone and seeing messages. ‘When things are more stable, maybe.’

‘You just said everything is fucked up.’

‘It is, but it’s not totally _fucked_ just yet.’

‘What can I do to help?’

I stared at my father, for all intents and purposes. ‘I need you to find him.’

‘Find Seb— Jonathon?’

‘Yes, on top of your amazing and never-ending help keeping any heat away from us as a result of the huge rooftop blowout.’

He waved a hand dismissively. ‘There was no CCTV for hours before and during the attack, no leads. I wouldn’t worry.’

‘Thanks.’

‘You’d better get back. Your tribe will be lost without you, kiddo.’

I smiled wryly as I stood. ‘I kinda doubt it.’

* * *

_My hair was fanned out on the bedspread, his fingers curling through it every few seconds and he kissed me deeper. The room was hot and stifling, summer determined to be everywhere. My skin was damp with sweat._

_Kissing Jace was incredible. He was a force of nature when it came to kissing; hot, intense and caring. His plush lips were confident as they moved against mine._

_It was perfect, except all we ever did was kiss. I wanted him to kiss me harder, to take things further, but he never did. The urgency was not there for him as it was with me._

_‘Jace,’ I broke off breathlessly._

_‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, concern flooding his mismatched eyes. ‘Are you OK?’_

_His concern prickled me, sparking irritation._ _‘I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be fine?’_

_‘I don’t know, it’s hard to know without…’ He trailed off, rubbing his neck._

_‘Without what? Reading my mind?’_

_‘I can’t actually read Alec’s mind,’ he explained patiently._

_My irritation blossomed into anger._ _‘I’m not your Parabatai, Jace.’_

_His concern expanded into worry._ _‘I know that, Clary. What’s wrong?’_

_What_ was _wrong? He was literally the most beautiful boy I had ever met. We had chemistry; I was attracted to him. He was a superhero, of sorts. He was everything I dreamed of._

_‘We never do more than kiss,’ I said, unable to shake the anger._

_‘What? I don’t—’_

_‘All we do is make out, Jace.’_

_He looked hurt._ _‘And that’s boring?’_

_‘No, it’s not boring but I want more.’_

_He didn_ _’t move or react. ‘OK.’_

_‘OK as in…we’ll have sex?’_

_‘As in OK I’m listening to you.’_

_I huffed._ _‘Jace, I know you’ve had sex with other girls.’_

_‘Yeah, so?’_

_‘So, don’t you want that from me?’_

_‘Clary,’ he moved back. ‘What the hell? I do want that with you, just…not yet.’_

_‘Look,’ I said. ‘You know how I feel about you, but it’s been months! We only ever kiss! You’ve never even felt me up!’_

_‘Maybe I don’t want to rush things,’ he said a little defensively._

Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

_‘Well, apparently it’s never stopped you rushing with other girls!’_

_He blinked._ _‘What?’_

_‘I heard—’_

_‘You heard what?’ he asked quickly, sitting way back, expression closing off. ‘Heard from_ who _, huh?_ _’_

_‘I know you sleep around sometimes,’ I said, attempting to be diplomatic and immediately failing. ‘Not in a bad way or anything, but I just don’t understand! You only ever want to kiss me.’_

_‘I like kissing you.’_

_He said it so earnestly, without guile and my anger wavered._

_‘I do too,’ I said. ‘But it never goes anywhere.’_

_He looked to the side, frustrated._ _‘Why does it have to go somewhere? I like being with you and kissing you without the…expectation of anything else.’_

_‘So, you don’t want anything else from me?’_

_He looked back, meeting my questioning gaze._ _‘This sounds weird, I guess but I like you too much for it to be…’ he trailed off, rubbing his eyes. ‘I like you too much to ruin it with sex.’_

_‘Jace,’ I said, huffing a laugh. ‘Why would sex ruin what we feel?’_

_He didn_ _’t answer. ‘I care about you.’_

_‘I care about you too,’ I told him. ‘Sex won’t ruin that.’_

_‘You can’t be sure,’ he said. ‘And I don’t want to take the risk.’_

_I sighed._ _‘Jace, are you not attracted to me?’_

_‘Of course I am,’ he said a little wildly now. ‘You’re gorgeous, Clary, and I care about you so much! I want to be with you all the time, I just don’t want to spoil anything.’_

_He seemed to think that explained everything when really, it explained precisely zero about what the hell was happening between us._

_I wanted to talk more, but he had already detached from the moment._

_‘Look,’ he said, sliding off the bed and gathering his shoes. ‘I gotta go find Alec, we’re patrolling tonight.’_

_‘Yeah, sure,’ I said easily, not wanting him to see how upset I was. ‘I’ll just…wander around.’_

_‘Izzy is training, I think,’ he offered, pressing a kiss to my cheek. ‘Love you.’_

_‘You too,’ I told him as he left._

* * *

Izzy still seemed sore, despite the Medics all proclaiming she was fully healed. It was hard to tell, of course, because Izzy was so brave, but I knew her. I knew what that small wrinkle of her nose meant when she sat up in the hospital bed.

‘How are you?’ she asked me quietly.

‘Jesus, Iz,’ I said. ‘You’re the one who was shot. Twice!’

‘I’m good,’ she said, eyes trained on me. ‘I’m not the one who found out I had a brother.’

‘I don’t really know what to make of it,’ I sighed, stomach clenching unpleasantly. ‘I feel like I _knew_ but I just couldn’t _see_ it, you know?’

‘He was a good liar,’ Izzy said. ‘I didn’t see it either. Alec knew. Thank the Angel he was nearing the end of his _high_ on that shit, he broke down and told me.’

I took her hand in mine. ‘I thought you were dead,’ I told her. ‘I saw you and I thought you were dead.’ Tears sprang to my eyes. ‘You can’t do that to me.’

She smiled gently. ‘Never.’

‘Did he hurt you?’

‘No. He was polite and kept his distance.’

I nodded. ‘That’s good.’

‘You want to ask what happened on the roof,’ she ascertained.

‘If you’re OK to talk about it.’

Izzy shrugged. ‘I already gave my statement, it’s fine.’ She took a deep breath which trembled on the last of the exhale. ‘I was his bodyguard. He took me there knowing I would protect him because he had Max, or so he said.’

‘And who was there on rooftop?’

‘It was a meeting. Top tier people, apparently. There were civilians too,’ she added, softly. ‘As soon as they saw him, everything went to hell. They started shooting before we could even get close. Sebastian… he used his powers or whatever and tore them up. I protected him best I could, but it was chaos. I got shot and he picked me up and put me behind the cabana.’ She paused, looking down at our hands entwined. ‘Clary, he gave me a message for you. Only for you.’

My heart clenched painfully. ‘What is it?’

‘He said to tell you only. I debated just telling the boys, but I wanted to let you decide.’ Izzy took a deep breath. ‘He said he has something to tell you…about Jace.’

‘What? What does that mean?’

‘I have no idea. _“I have something to tell Clary about Jace.”_ That was verbatim what he said. I passed out after.’

I leaned back a little, staring off at the wall. ‘OK, well let’s do the logic walk. A trap. Maybe, but why? I seek him out without the others knowing and he… what? Grabs me?’

Izzy’s hand tightened on mine. ‘He told me that before the drug, in his natural state of evil, he was kind of obsessed with you. It could be his endgame. We know so little about him.’

‘I just…I don’t know, I don’t think that’s it. He could have taken me any time. We didn’t suspect anything.’

‘OK, so maybe he’s _counting_ on you telling Jace, like before with the waterfront.’

‘I tell Jace, he goes after Sebastian and gets taken prisoner. Sebastian has Jace, but for what?’

‘Or,’ Izzy said. ‘It’s a distraction. To get us out of the Institute? To draw our focus? He’s smart, Clary.’

I thought for a minute, mind whirling. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I think he told you knowing that we were close. He knew you’d only tell me. He knew we’d consider the possibility of a trap or a betrayal.’

‘You think he’s going to contact you.’

I nodded. ‘And this was just to prepare me.’

‘Do you think we should tell the boys?’

‘No,’ I said with certainty. ‘They’ll be looking to intercept him and it’ll throw them off, it potentially being about Jace.’

‘I agree. But, Clary, what do you think he wants? If he genuinely only had something to tell you, he could send a text, right?’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘It’s a peace offering. He wants to something resembling forgiveness in my eyes when he looks at me.’

‘And will he?’

I looked at her, my best friend. ‘Not after what he did to you, babe.’

She grinned a little. ‘Thank you. Are you OK? What happened while I was gone?’

‘Honestly? Not that much.’

* * *

**-Alec-**

The divide was crumbling. There was no other way to describe it. The drug was strong and still very much in my system, but this overruled it.

 _He_ was coming through. The other.

The… _incident_ last night, it transcended everything. It had affected me on every level, conscious or otherwise. My _self_ was shaken, disjointed. It was a bare echo of Jace’s pain, of course. Nothing but a reflection, but even that was unbearable.

Why hadn’t I been able to find him? He was so close, I’d been able to sense his presence, but I couldn’t pinpoint it. His fear and pain had infected me, driving common sense and reason away. Why hadn’t I called for help or backup?

Well, I knew the answer to that, at least.

Because I wanted to save him myself.

Because I wanted him to be grateful.

Because I wanted to show him the dangers of being away from me.

Because I wanted _to control him_.

‘You let it happen,’ I said to myself, quiet and trembling. ‘You let harm befall him.’

It felt like I was coated in some thick, cloying poison. The _harm_ that had befallen my Parabatai, it went beyond failing him, beyond letting him down.

The guilt was seconded only by an absolute and all-consuming fear that I would lose him to this. I knew Jace, I knew how he would deal with it.

Pretend it had never happened. Put it in the rear-view and move on.

Only he wouldn’t be able to. Fucking hell, _I_ wouldn’t be able to and it hadn’t even happened to me. I worried that it would eat him alive, slowly consume him.

He was asleep, at least. I felt his mercifully dreamless sleep.

How had this happened? How was this real?

My heart and soul _demanded_ that I go out into the remains of the night and find them. Find the men who did this, who hurt him and…and raped him. Find them and _end_ them.

I would not offer clean deaths, either. It would be agony. Drawn out and brutal, enough to soothe the screaming in my head, the rolling echoes of noises Jace had made.

But he’d made me swear and even though I was almost certain I could have fooled him - his end of the bond was much less clear than mine - I could not betray his confidence at such a time.

I had already betrayed him so, so much.

I closed my eyes and let my head drop into my hands. In turmoil, I clawed at my hair, revelling in the pain. I deserved it and worse.

A part of me screamed silently in despair. It was _him_. Weaker Alec.

He blamed me and thus himself as much as I did. I felt him so keenly, it was like there was no divide at all.

The shock had sent a fracture through the structure of the divide. It could not hold in these circumstances much longer.

 _“There is no part of me that does not love you,”_ I had told Jace and it was true. Every single part of me grieved for him. For what he had endured, for my utter failure to save him and most of all for my part in it.

Hindsight was crystal fucking clear. Wasn’t it always?

* * *

‘There’s a decision we need to make,’ Jace said, quite calmly. He entered the kitchen like always, the room where we spent a lot of time. Izzy was up and out of the hospital, at last and I was making breakfast. I hadn’t expected Jace to be up so early. I’d hoped he would want to sleep a while longer.

He looked…fine. He didn’t seem upset or agitated or whatever the fuck I was expecting. He seemed normal.

‘Oh?’ Clary said, glancing up at him. ‘Is it to do with syrups? ‘Cos we have both kinds.’

He sat down beside Izzy, dropping a kiss onto her hair as he did. ‘I’m not talking about pancakes.’

Jace sounded all business, but absolutely in control. I knew I was gawking and he wasn’t pleased. I forced myself to look back at the pancakes I was making.

‘You mean Sebastian,’ Izzy surmised. ‘Whether or not we pursue him.’

‘Yeah,’ he said, reaching for coffee. ‘That’s the one.’

‘Well,’ Clary said. ‘Are we talking about Clave orders or _Screw Them Let_ _’s Make Our Own Fate_ orders?’

‘The Clave don’t know he’s your brother, Clary,’ I said, flipping a pancake with ease. ‘Or, so _far_ they don’t know.’

‘I think Clary should decide that,’ Izzy said firmly. ‘The implications upon her will fall hard and fast. Nobody knows but us. It can stay that way, if that’s what she wants.’

Clary reached for juice. ‘I think for now, Izzy is right. The less people who know, the better. As for pursuing him, I say for now we leave it.’

I changed looking over my shoulder. Jace was watching Clary intensely.

‘If that’s what you want,’ he said. ‘Then that’s what we’ll do. Alec, you agree?’

‘I mean,’ I said, serving up another round. ‘You pretty much already made the decision, but yes. I agree.’

‘Good,’ he said, sipping his coffee. ‘Then for now, can focus on the real issue.’

‘The supplier.’

‘Yeah. We need to find this guy and we need to take him out.’

Clary and Izzy exchanged glances. ‘You mean, _down_.’

‘No, I mean out. This shit is destroying people. Ruining lives.’

Carefully, I placed a couple of small, round pancakes on his plate. He ignored them and drank more coffee.

‘Jace,’ Izzy said with concern. ‘Our mandate can’t just be to _take out_ a Mundane.’

‘We don’t know it’s a Mundane!’

‘His guys were all Mundanes,’ she argued gently. ‘I know the drug has supernatural elements, but we can’t just decide to kill him. The Clave has given a clear order to bring him in alive.’

‘Fuck the Clave.’

‘Jace,’ I said, ever so softly. ‘Come on.’

Izzy frowned. ‘Are you…OK?’

For the first time that morning, I saw his throat work, Adam’s apple bobbing.

‘I’m fine,’ he said through lowered lashes.

But our sister was not to be dismissed to easily. ‘Are you sure? You don’t seem—’

‘We need to speak to Magnus,’ Jace said, standing and taking the coffee with him. ‘He sent me a message saying he has some intel. Alec and I will go, you guys see if there’s any CCTV from other sources that might have picked up who this guy is. We need to track him down, priority one.’

As acting head of the Institute, I wanted to point out that I was the plan-maker here, that he could have at least checked with me that this was a solid plan.

As the other half of his soul, I nodded quietly.

‘Hmm,’ I agreed. ‘Let’s check in at midday, OK?’

We left the girls looking fairly suspicious.

‘Are we really going to see Magnus?’ I asked, unable to keep the nervous note from my voice. Magnus was the last person I wanted to be around. There was always an outside chance he would just look at me and instantly proclaim that I was not, in fact, Alec. One never knew with Warlocks.

‘Yeah, of course,’ he said, still walking with the coffee. I was afraid to touch him, so I jogged a few paces ahead and slowed, bringing him to a gentle halt.

‘Hey,’ I said. ‘You still have the cup.’

He looked down. His hand was red and wet, scalded slightly from the hot coffee he’d spilled during his march.

‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Yeah.’

He handed it to me and went to suit up. I hung back for a few seconds, clutching the warm cup and trying to ignore the chorus of screams from the captive side of myself.

* * *

The journey to Magnus was long and unbearable. We took public transport, which made sense. I supposed he didn’t really want to think of the last time we were in a taxi. The issue was that it was a Saturday and therefore, insanely busy. Every single time someone bumped into him, this vicious spike of fear and pain shot through him and tore him up anew.

His exterior reactions were minimal. An observer might think he was irritable, perhaps. Maybe he had stitches that gave him pain when someone knocked into him.

They couldn’t feel him like I could.

After the seventh or eighth time, he reached very surreptitiously for my hand and held it. I moved closer to him so it wasn’t immediately obvious to outsiders. He gripped it tighter when someone nudged past him, but his fear lessened. I did everything physically possible to send him my strength, whatever was left of it anyway.

After what seemed like an age, we were outside Magnus’s door.

‘Greetings, little Shadowhunters,’ he said, opening the door and standing back to allow us entry. ‘You are rather late.’

‘Sorry about that,’ I said, not elaborating. ‘We appreciate your help.’

‘Of course. Drinks?’

‘No, thanks,’ Jace said. He wanted to ask what the intel was right away. He felt uncomfortable here and nervous. Magnus was perceptive, after all. ‘So, uh?’

‘Please, take a seat,’ the Warlock offered pleasantly. Jace and I sat side by side on his plumb, comfortable sofa. Magnus magicked up refreshments anyway, despite our refusal. He made himself tea and then sat back, observing us both.

‘Well,’ he said after a beat. ‘I think it’s best to get something out of the way, right off the bat.’

I swallowed as Jace stiffened. ‘Oh, really?’

‘I have two pieces of intel, one which concerns the drug and the other is much more…sensitive.’

I hoped, for the first time, that he was going to say he knew about _me_ and not about Jace. I wanted to protect Jace, even if it meant losing the clarity and strength I had previously so treasured.

‘Spit it out, then,’ Jace said tersely.

Magnus sighed. ‘I think it’s quite obvious what’s happened between the both of you.’

I blinked. ‘Sorry?’

He indicated with a scone. ‘You two. Sex has clearly been had.’

Jace wasn’t breathing.

‘Magnus,’ I said, pressing my leg subtly against Jace for what I prayed was comfort. ‘This isn’t—’

‘Believe me, I’m not about to sit here and languish in self-pity, Alexander. This has to do with the Clave.’

Oh fuck.

‘Do they know?’ Jace asked tightly.

‘They suspect,’ Magnus replied delicately. ‘There was a report made, early hours of this morning. Oscar Henson.’

‘Motherfucker,’ I snarled. ‘He did it out of spite, he doesn’t even _know_ anything!’

‘Knowing means nothing when you have a vendetta,’ Magnus said airily. ‘My point is this; clearly, neither of you needs any official scrutiny right now. I would consider getting him to retract the report and confess to malicious interference or…’

I looked up sharply. ‘Or what?’

‘Or make it clear that there’s nothing to investigate.’

Silence followed his suggestion, broken only by me with absolute determination not to be rude. It was hard to recall why I had ever felt so strongly for Magnus in those moments, a strange disconnected part of my life which had no inflection now.

‘What was the _other_ intel?’ I asked, at length.

‘I’ve been extensively studying the compound,’ the Warlock explained. ‘And this morning, I believe I’ve made a breakthrough.’

‘Oh?’

He handed us a weighty pile of notes I sincerely hope he didn’t want us to read there and then. ‘The _Too Long Didn_ _’t Read_ version is this,’ he said. ‘The drug contains a new agent I’ve never encountered before. It seeks to suppress the host’s natural and prominent instincts and personality and bring to light the weaker, lesser utilised ones.’

‘We know that already,’ I pointed out with a frown, because that should have been obvious.

‘Yes, I’m aware. However, you’re probably _not_ aware that it’s contagious.’

Jace flinched. ‘What?’

Now Magnus was deliberately not looking at either of us. ‘It can be passed along by blood or…fluids.’

I ground my teeth. ‘You’re saying this shit is…what? Sexually transmitted?’

‘Yes.’

‘Hold up,’ Jace said. ‘The host had to be shot up with this for four days straight, now it can be passed along in microscopic amounts? With what effects?’

‘If it has a solid hold in the host and the host’s cells—’

‘You can just say my name, you know,’ I snapped. ‘In _Alec_ _’s_ body and _Alec_ _’s_ cells.’

He sighed again. ‘Because you incubated it properly, your body would be capable of passing it along, most likely for an extremely brief amount of time, to another. It likely wouldn’t be permanent and it I can’t imagine it would be strong.’

 _‘But_?’

‘But it would be there, it would show up, even days later. Trace amounts. My point is, it could be passed back to the…to you, Alec. Even after the drug had left your system, you see?’ He winced. ‘I assume you two didn’t use…’

Jace’s nervous system was in overload. He cleared his throat and slightly turned to me for help.

‘Look, this isn’t relevant,’ I insisted loudly. ‘The drug isn’t in me anymore, OK? It’s gone and Jace is…he’s fine. Was that it? Was there anything else?’

Finally, he seemed to get the message to back off. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘The notes will help, I hope.’

Jace stood up abruptly. ‘Yes, I’m sure they will, Magnus, thank you.’

The Warlock politely rose from his chair. ‘You’re welcome.’

‘Can I just, uh,’ Jace said, handing me the bundle of hand written notes. ‘Use your bathroom?’

‘Of course. Second door on the right, down there,’ Magnus said. Jace fled in the direction he pointed. Magnus frowned.

‘Alexander,’ he said heavily. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘With the best will in the world,’ I said slowly. ‘I’m not sure that’s your business.’

‘Your Parabatai is emptying his stomach in my toilet, I have a right to be concerned.’

‘About him?’

‘About you both. Your situation is precarious at best. The Clave don’t forgive matters like this and Jace has always been…unsteady.’

‘Not always,’ I defended automatically and also, it was true. There was a time when Jace Herondale had been the most confident boy I knew, before time and experience had jaded and aged him prematurely. ‘Though I appreciate your concern.’

‘Alec,’ he said very quietly. ‘I still care about you. I always will.’

Jace emerged a few minutes later, face blank and giving nothing away. Magnus looked away and I couldn’t find the strength to say anything back to him.

‘Thanks again,’ Jace said to Magnus and together, we left.

* * *

**-Clary-**

‘ _Jace is a complicated guy, right?_ _’_

_Izzy paused, coffee halfway to her lips._ _‘Is he?’_

_‘I mean, I don’t know him as well as you, so I’m asking.’_

_‘Complicated isn’t the word I’d choose,’ Izzy said, sipping the drink and then wincing. ‘Not enough sugar.’ She got up out of her seat and grabbed a few sugar packs from the side in the cafe where we sat. ‘I thought you guys were doing better.’_

_‘We are. It’s just…how do I get him to, uh…?’_

_‘Open up?’_

_‘Have sex with me?’_

_Isabelle spluttered into her newly sweetened beverage._ _‘Sorry?’_

_A few people from other tables glanced over, but I couldn_ _’t have cared less._

_‘How do I get him to have sex with me?’_

_Izzy stared, her mind clearly working. What did I know, what didn_ _’t I know? I watched her working it out._

_‘Clary, you haven’t slept with Jace yet?’_

_‘No.’_

_‘You’ve been together for months. The other day he was talking to me about asking you to move in with him.’_

_‘Into his room.’_

_‘Somewhere else, I think.’_

_‘Izzy,’ I sighed. ‘Is it me? I know it’s dumb to even ask, but I can’t help feel like he’s not_ into _me that way._ _’_

_Fingers tapping against the ceramic mug, she said,_ _‘Did you talk to him?’_

_‘I tried. He shut me down.’_

_‘Clary, I don’t want to get in the middle.’_

_‘I know, and I don’t want to put you there but I feel like I’m losing my mind.’_

_‘Look, Jace isn’t overly complicated. Anyone with half a brain can see how much he likes you. Clary, he_ loves _you._ _’_

_A bubble of resentment grew in my throat._ _‘Like he loves Alec?’_

_‘Alec is his Parabatai. It’s different.’_

_I stirred my tea slowly._ _‘Is it? Izzy, I know he’s slept with plenty of girls before, so why doesn’t he want that with me? It’s been a month since I brought it up and still, no change.’_

_‘Have you tried to instigate it?’_

_‘Plenty of times. He makes an excuse about something he’s forgotten, or literally just…gently pulls me back.’_

_Izzy frowned._ _‘Maybe he’s genuinely not ready for sex with someone he cares about, Clary.’_

_‘I believe that’s part of it, but why? Why isn’t he ready? He told me he doesn’t want sex to screw it up between us, but why would that even be an issue?’_

_Izzy swallowed a fraction, biting her bottom lip._ _‘He said that?’_

_‘Yes.’_

_‘Hmm, OK, well that’s a little complicated, I grant you.’_

_‘Why is it complicated?’_

_‘Clary, if I tell you something you have to swear not to tell anyone else.’_

_I held up my hand._ _‘I swear.’_

_‘You know how Alec feels about Jace?’_

_‘Yeah?’_

_‘Well, I’ve always suspected privately that maybe Jace sort of feels the same.’_

_‘What? No, Izzy, come on.’_

_Isabelle tipped her head, considering._ _‘I don’t think he realises it, not the way Alec does. They’ve always been extremely close, even before the Parabatai bond. I think perhaps Jace is confusing the way he loves you for the way he loves Alec. Maintaining a kind of no-sex embargo and keeping things platonic to an extent.’_

_I let her words sink in, settling near a place where I had suspected something similar myself._

_‘So, how do I get past it?’ I asked._

_‘I have no idea.’_

_‘So, you’re saying I’ve been friend-zoned?’_

_That made Izzy laugh, though she tried to reign in it with apologetic look._

_‘I’m sorry,’ she said, trying to school her face back to normal. ‘It’s kind of ironic what with you and Simon, you know?’_

_‘Oh, ha-ha,’ I deadpanned._

_‘I don’t think it’s the friend-zone, Clary. He’s kissing you and stuff, right?’_

_‘Only kissing. It’s like being stuck in a YA novel.’_

_‘You should talk to him again, make him see it from your perspective.’_

_‘Or,’ I said, finishing my coffee. ‘We could go out and get drunk.’_

* * *

**-Alec-**

He hadn’t said anything for a while, so when he spoke, it made me jump.

‘Usually when I feel anything like this,’ he said, low and hoarse. ‘I go out and get drunk. Isn’t that funny?’

We were poring over Magnus’s notes in the library. I, personally, hated the library and this wasn’t exactly endearing it to me.

‘Is there something I can do?’ I asked, knowing what a useless question it was, but needing to offer anyway.

‘No,’ he said, but it was gentle. Weak, almost. ‘I don’t know what I feel. I can’t feel anything, sometimes. Other times…’

‘Let me help you,’ I said. ‘Please.’

‘How?’ He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘What would you even do? I don’t know what would help. I don’t think anything can help.’

‘Jace—’

‘Please don’t,’ he said, refocusing on the notes. ‘We need to do a blood test.’

I shook myself. ‘What?’

‘If Magnus is right and it can be passed _that way_ , then we need to be sure.’

I didn’t say anything. I watched him closely as he pretended to read what was before him, his eyes fixed on a single line and not moving.

‘I said don’t,’ he breathed shakily. ‘I can feel you _feeling it._ _’_

 _‘_ I’m trying not to,’ I told him.

He closed his eyes. ‘Try harder.’

* * *

The decision to go back to Magnus’s alone came upon me by surprised. Wandering the streets at night while Jace slept in a wretched state, plagued by nightmares, I began in search of something that needed killing. My useless hands itched for something to hurt and break. To let arrows fly and feel a sense of purpose.

But the streets were quiet and my feet took me to Magnus. Old habit, maybe.

He opened the door, but didn’t greet me. I stepped inside and immediately, my even being there felt like a betrayal to Jace.

‘I…I’m sorry,’ I said, feeling stupid. ‘I don’t know why I’m here.’

‘Sit down,’ he said in a tone of voice that made clear it was not a suggestion.

The chair was ridiculously comfortable and within seconds he handed me a drink. Herbal tea of some kind. I despised tea, but in an effort to be polite (see how the divide between us crumbles?) I drank it.

‘What happened to Jace?’ he asked without preamble.

The question was so direct I wanted to cry, faced with the reality both Jace and I had been trying to suppress. The overwhelming emotions I was losing to bubbled up viciously, sensing an outlet.

‘Something bad,’ I managed, taking another sip.

‘I can see that much. I can see it reflected in you.’ He stirred his own tea, considering how best to phrase whatever was coming next. ‘Do you feel a stronger connection to him, after you slept together?’

 _Lie_ , my instincts said. _Lie cleverly. There is no one outside of you and Jace._

But I was so tired and so _alone_.

‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘The connection is much stronger than before.’

Magnus nodded in a non-judgemental way. ‘Does it feel intrusive?’

Staring down at the tea, I nodded. ‘More than that, it feels like I’m intruding. Like there’s nothing between us now to keep us separate.’

‘So, you feel his pain too, then?’

I closed my eyes. ‘Yes.’

‘That must be difficult.’

‘It’s nothing to what he went through.’

‘Your pain is still real. If you experienced it as you say, then in many ways whatever happened to Jace happened to you too.’

His words hung heavy in the air between us.

‘And Jace would hate that,’ Magnus went on. ‘He might even feel as though he has inflicted this pain upon you by proxy.’

I gripped the teacup. ‘This is not his fault.’

‘Fault has precious little to do with pain. What you feel and what Jace feels will not dissolve if you properly assign blame, will it?’

‘I don’t know what to do, Magnus,’ I said after a beat. ‘For the first time, I don’t know how to take care of him.’

‘Perhaps that’s because Jace doesn’t know what to do either. Your intuition with him stems from your empathy and connection. If he’s lost, so would you be.’

Quietly, I asked, ‘Do you know what happened?’

Eyes downcast, he said, ‘I can guess. I’ve known a great many people and I’ve seen reactions similar to Jace’s.’

Anger twisted the pain like a hand around my throat. ‘He was raped.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘And I did nothing. I, with all my brilliant _intuition_ and Jace centric _empathy_ couldn’t find him. I was too late.’

‘Blaming yourself will make his recovery more difficult,’ Magnus intoned gently. ‘He can’t worry about you.’

‘I’m not blaming myself. It’s a statement of fact.’

‘I assume you haven’t told anyone?’

‘No.’

‘Well, that’s to expected, but Alec, he might need help. Everyone reacts differently to trauma and this is one of the worst kinds.’

‘Who can I tell?’ I asked, shaking my head. ‘He’ll never forgive me.’

‘Isabelle doesn’t know?’

‘No.’

‘She would want to know, though.’

I sighed shakily, barely keeping myself together. ‘It feels like if I tell anyone else, then it’s really real. That if I tell people, I’ll be making him relive it.’

‘I think that’s a natural instinct, but over time you both might need to consider additional help.’

‘Help?’ I echoed doubtfully. ‘Like what? A therapist? Support group?’

‘Why not?’

‘Just…I can’t see Jace wanting that.’

‘I said over time. All you have to do for now is keep yourself together and be there for Jace. If there’s one person who can care for him at a time like this, it’s you.’

‘He barely speaks to me. Barely _looks_ at me.’

‘But he will speak to you eventually and you need to be ready, Alec.’

‘He made me promise not to kill them.’

Magnus winced. ‘Them? _Tuhanku_.’

‘It’s all I think about doing. Like if I could just find them and wipe them off the face of the earth, it would be like this never happened.’

‘But that’s not real,’ he reminded me.

‘Jace doesn’t even remember most of it. Maybe I could—’

‘No,’ the Warlock said sternly. ‘I don’t blame you for considering it, but removing his memory, however fragmented, of such a thing would destroy him over time. He could lose his mind, knowing something terrible happened, but not knowing what.’

‘But if the memories were all wiped…’

‘His body would know,’ Magnus said.

‘I just want to help him,’ I said, voice cracking. ‘I love him more than anything else in this world and I can’t help him. He’s breaking apart right in front of me and I’m useless, just like I was that night.’

Magnus placed his teacup down and reached for my hand. ‘You are not. Jace is strong. Give him a little time and try again. Be close by, make yourself ready for when he comes to you, which I think he will.’

I blinked and tears rolled down my cheeks. ‘Thank you,’ I said, squeezing his hand. I laughed sadly. ‘Who knew you were a psychologist?’

‘Immortality has a few perks in coming to know the way people work.’

I sniffed and carefully withdrew my hand. ‘I never thanked you for my birthday present,’ I said. ‘The ancient arrowhead? It was beautiful.’

He smiled. ‘You’re very welcome. I’m always here for you, Alexander. You did the right thing to come here. Dealing with something like this alone will take a toll. The weight of the world is hard to bear with a weapon in hand.’

* * *

A week passed with no real results. The supplier remained elusive and I wished I cared more. My mind was honestly not with the search.

Jace barely slept anymore, he hardly ever ate and he would only drink water if and when I nudged him during the rare times he would sit and pretend to eat with us.

Twice I had managed to go out into the night and find a shady dealer who sold me the drug. The second time, he charged me considerably more and I was so frazzled, I briefly considered flat out murdering him, but then where would I get my next fix from?

Jace had become the centre of my universe for a very different reason. He was a collapsing star, sucking everything into his space. The pull of his despair was unstoppable and I was too close to break free from it.

Perhaps the worst thing about it was that he was doing such a flawless job of pretending everything was fine. Aside from looking like maybe he was about to come down with the flu, he was energetic and witty, laughing and bantering with the others. It was almost enough to make me believe it, had I not been given an all access pass to the dark and grim reveries of his heart.

The week had gone slow. Jace didn’t want to patrol or go out. He hadn’t left the Institute since the _incident_ as I had taken to calling it in my head. The word was vague and common; a far easier name for what had taken place.

When Izzy questioned why Jace didn’t want to leave, he would complain of a pulled hamstring that hadn’t healed right and how he wanted to train a little before hitting the streets. Izzy assumed it was something to do with _us_ needing time and so she left us to it, mostly. She asked me a few times if Jace was OK and I felt like the lowest of the low, telling her that yes, of course Jace was fine.

The Clave had not yet done anything regarding the report of Jace and myself, but they would. Henson often shot me increasingly shifty looks and the lack of recent orders from the Clave was confirmation enough. They were circling, waiting for their moment.

Let them come. Let them try to even _touch_ Jace. I would wipe them out.

Jace was broken, quite badly. He seemed to accept it, but refused to talk about it or let me comfort him. This was difficult to bear. We slept in separate beds and I learned that if he made noises, it was best not to go into his room.

Not since the first night he came to us had I done that. Let him cry or scream without running to his side. It felt alien and wrong, to let him suffer alone.

I had no idea if I was even doing the right thing by him. Should I have told others? Ignored his requests? Was there an official way of handling someone in his… situation?

For all my confidence a week ago, I felt absolutely at sea. Lost and adrift, wondering how best to keep my Parabatai going from moment to moment.

Pride goeth, my Dad always said. Pride goeth before a fall.

Yeah, well, pride had well and truly fucking gone now and here was the fall.

The blood test hadn’t happened, thankfully. He’d sort of _given up_ on the idea and not mentioned it again which was so unlike him, but I was a pathetic coward and the less he saw of my blood, the better.

We were in between the big moments. The quiet time when something resembling a normal life might have occurred if it hadn’t been rent apart. I wanted to be close to him, to help him however I could but things were so bad.

It couldn’t get worse, if it got worse, I didn’t know how I could go on.

Famous last words.

* * *

_‘Jace, stop mumbling! I can barely hear you!’_

_It was 11:42pm and I hadn_ _’t exactly been asleep, but I’d been close. Angel damn it all to hell, I could never ignore Jace when he called this late._

‘Y’keep texting me!’ _Jace accused._ _‘_ ’M resssponding!’

_I pinched the bridge of my nose._ _‘I texted you about four hours ago.’_

‘Oh,’ _he said and sniffed loudly._ ‘Well, as you were.’

_The call ended. I looked at my phone, stung. He_ _’d hung up._

_For a few minutes, I sat there wondering what to do. Go back to bed, pretend to sleep and wait for him to call and ask for an escort home or cut out the middle man and just go there now?_

_By the time I got to Sang_ _’s, it was closing, way earlier than usual. A few determined party goers were lurking outside the club which was unusually silent. Maybe there had been a fight. I zeroed in on someone Jace occasionally hung around with, Aaron maybe?_

_‘Hey,’ I tried to think of his name and failed. ‘You seen Jace?’_

_‘He left with a chick, before it all kicked off,’ the annoying idiot said, furiously rubbing his nose. ‘That way.’_

_I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and tried to find some reservoir of strength._

_Jace was down the alley behind Sang_ _’s, making out with a girl. Of course._

_‘Jace!’ I barked loudly, hoping to shatter any and all magic between them._

_The pair broke apart suddenly. The girl, who looked suspiciously like Clary, seemed alarmed to see some tall, angry guy yelling at her but Jace relaxed once he saw me._

_‘Hey,’ he greeted. ‘You can keep watch.’_

_I blinked slow._ _‘Excuse me?’_

_He was still upset, then. For God_ _’s sake._

_‘Or you we can take turns with her, what do you think?’_

_The girl shoved him away, outraged but it was nothing to how I felt. He finally looked at me, eyes wild. He was lashing out in a way I_ _’d never really experienced._

_‘Fucking asshole!’ she yelled, pushing him again for good measure before she stalked towards the street._

_Jace leaned into the wall and laughed._ _‘Y’ scared her away.’_

_‘The fuck is wrong with you?’ I demanded; my blood still cold from his previous spiteful comment. ‘Huh? Clary breaks up with you and less than a day later you’re out fucking someone else?’_

_He swiped at his nose again and something clicked._

_‘Are you fucking serious?’ I asked, marching over to him._

_‘Hey!’ he yelped indignantly as I began to search his pockets. ‘The fuck, Alec?!’_

_When I found it, that little bag with scattered white powder, I yanked it out and held it higher than he could reach._ _‘Fucking cocaine? Really?’_

_‘And what? It’s my life!’_

_‘Every time you come here, you destroy that life a little more.’_

_‘So what? Life is nothing without a little fun!’_

_‘This is fun?’_

_He shoved me away, as hard as he could._

_‘Maybe not for you, boring tight-ass!’_

_I threw the bag to the ground and viciously used my boot to grind it into wet asphalt._ _‘This is beneath you, Jace.’_

_‘Fuck would you know?’ he shot back, but his voice cracked a little. ‘You’ve never had_ anyone _beneath you!_ _’_

_‘I know you,’ I reminded him, wanting to be calm for him. He would come to me if I was calm, like a wild animal. ‘You’re better than this.’_

_He shook his head, nose scrunching._ _‘I’m not.’_

_‘Yes, you are.’_

_‘I’m not, Alec. She…she broke…’_

_‘I know she did, but this isn’t OK. There isn’t any excuse for this.’_

_My words seemed to take the last of the wind from his sails. He shook his head, biting his bottom lip and I could see how much pain he was in._

_‘I love her, Alec,’ he said. ‘What’s wrong with me?’_

_I put aside my own pain at his declaration._ _‘For loving her? Nothing’s wrong with you for that.’_

_‘No, what’s wrong with me that it’s not enough for her?’_

_‘Jace, she said it wasn’t you.’_

_He scoffed._ _‘Yeah, an excuse I’ve used a billion times.’_

_I came closer, not wanting to invade his space too suddenly._ _‘Look, I don’t know what happened between you two. You’re entitled to be upset, of course you are, but this isn’t the way.’_

_Softly, he said,_ _‘I wanted to feel different.’_

_‘I know.’_

_‘I’m so sick of being like this. What_ is _wrong with me? And don_ _’t say nothing, we both know that’s not true. You have your whole life on track, Alec. You’re the best at what you do, you believe in yourself.’ He let out a shaky breath. ‘Look at me.’_

_‘OK,’ I said. ‘That’s it. Come on.’_

_I pulled him away from the wall. He looked up, alarmed._ _‘What?’_

_‘I’m not listening to the Jace Herondale Self Deprecation Society Monologues in a filthy fucking alley at midnight.’_

_‘I don’t wanna go home.’_

_‘We’re not going home.’_

* * *

**Clary**

The text message was from Luke and I didn’t feel too bad that I only glanced at it. The night time air in Manhattan was freezing, almost enough to make my teeth chatter. Central Park was hardly an ideal place to meet Sebastian, but after changing the location three times once I agreed to meet him, this was the place I felt confident I was safest.

There were Mundanes nearby, a group of teens laughing and playing music. I’d seen a few cops making the rounds. They didn’t get rid of the teenagers, just warned them about the noise. Picking their battles, I supposed.

‘Clary.’

I didn’t jump and for that, I was proud. He’d appeared out of nowhere, standing by a tree on a grass knoll. I took a deep breath and slowly approached him.

‘You still look like him,’ I said. ‘Sebastian.’

My brother shrugged. ‘I like the way he looks. I like that this was the body I wore when I first gained access to whatever small spark of goodness lay within me.’

‘Seems kind of unfair to his family, but sure.’

He smiled at me. ‘You always think of everyone but yourself.’

I huffed a laugh. ‘What absolutely bullshit. I think about myself all the time. A woman doesn’t have to be some paragon of selflessness to be a good person.’

‘I am sorry for the trouble I caused,’ he said after a beat of hesitation. ‘Isabelle seems to have recovered well.’

I didn’t comment on the fact that he was clearly monitoring us.

‘Why am I here?’

‘There are things I want to explain, face to face.’

‘Does any of it pertain to people I care about?’

‘Well—’

‘Then I’m not interested.’

A spark of sadness flickered through his eyes. ‘Clary, I’m doing this - all of this - for you.’

‘So you can be decent enough not to murder my family? Not to obsess about me in ways that would give me nightmares?’

‘Yes.’

‘You expect me to thank you? You put people I love in danger!’

‘And I hate myself for it, believe me.’

‘I believe in what I see, and all I see is someone who infiltrated my family when they were vulnerable and used them for your own gain.’

He looked down. ‘You’re right.’

‘Damn right.’

‘I…one day, do you think we could talk?’

 _Be careful,_ I told myself. _Get the information about Jace first._

‘Maybe,’ I said, crossing my arms.

That cheered him up a little, I saw hope bring life to his eyes. ‘Thank you. Even just the chance to be in your life—’

The idea of him actually being involved in my life was enough to make me snap, ‘Do you have information about Jace or not?’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘Then tell me.’

‘It’s twofold,’ he said, pulling a small piece of paper from his inner jacket pocket. ‘First, I have the supplier. I’ve extracted the procedure for recreating the compound from him. I’ve no use for him now, so I left him in a warehouse for you.’

For _you_. He didn’t mean for us, he meant for me. A gift.

‘OK. What’s the other thing?’

Sebastian sighed. ‘When I was _extracting_ information from him, he told me a lot of other information; screamed it, actually. Most of it was useless, but something he said about Jace that I knew you’d want to know.’

I stared at him coldly. ‘Are you going to ask for something in return before you tell me?’

‘I want to,’ he admitted. ‘But no, I won’t. I just want you to see that I _could_ use this information to destroy Jonathon Herondale. Instead I’m handing it to you because I know you care about him.’

‘He’s my family, they all are.’

My brother seemed to feel some kind of pain at that. ‘I’m glad you have them.’

I sighed impatiently. ‘Well?’

‘The warehouse is in Brooklyn; I’ll give you the address. Officially, you can find it from a source or whatever you need so as not to be tarnished by association when the Clave asks what happened.’

‘I’m waiting to be stunned by this apparent information.’

‘This is going to be difficult to hear.’

I crossed my arms. ‘Let me hear it, then.’

* * *

Izzy looked up from her conversation with Simon, smiling and happy until she caught the look on my face.

‘What’s up?’ she asked, concerned.

I shook myself. ‘I, uh. Where’s Jace and Alec?’

‘Training, I think,’ Simon ventured. ‘Why? What is it?’

My chest tightened. ‘I need to talk to them about it first, actually.’

‘Is something wrong, though?’ Izzy asked, eyes wide and searching. ‘Oh God, what is it now?’

I tried to take a steadying breath. ‘OK, don’t get mad but I went to meet Sebastian.’

‘Fray, what the—’

Izzy shushed him and waited for me to explain.

‘He has the supplier; he’s giving him to us. But he also had information about something that’s happened to Jace.’

I watched as Izzy nodded, taking it hard. ‘Is it bad.’

‘It’s bad. I can’t get into it with you before I speak to him.'

‘Go,’ she said. ‘We’ll be here.’

Isabelle grasped my hand as I walked past, giving me momentary strength but by the time I was outside the sparring room, I almost lost my nerve.

Jace and Alec were inside, just like Simon had said, but something was seriously wrong with the scene. They were nowhere near each other for one thing.

‘Oh, hey,’ Alec said looking up at me, dragging his forearm across his brow. He’d been pummelling the fuck out of a punch bag. ‘What’s up?’

I looked around the hall. They were alone, at least. It was late at night, residents only at these hours usually.

‘Guys,’ I said, making sure the door closed behind me. ‘I need to tell you something. It’s gonna be difficult and I don’t have long before we need to act.’

Jace had been shadow boxing. He seemed wary, lips tight as he glanced at his Parabatai, assessing the situation.

Alec nodded, the pair of them coming closer. ‘Tell us.’

‘Sebastian has the supplier of the drug; he’s already extracted the formula he needed apparently and he’s left him alive for us in a warehouse in Manhattan.’

They waited, sensing I wasn’t done.

‘During his extraction, he learned something else from this guy,’ I said, voice trembling slightly. ‘About Jace.’

Jace’s reaction was instant. He flinched, that perfect control fracturing to reveal a deep well of pain beneath it and although he regained control a moment later, I’d seen it nonetheless.

Alec swallowed and asked, ‘And?’

Jace shook his head. ‘Alec, no, tell her to stop.’

I’d never, _ever_ heard Jace Herondale sound like that. His voice was in complete contrast to his expression.

‘Clary,’ Alec warned. ‘Maybe we should go somewhere else for this.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry, but this can’t wait.’

Jace turned away. ‘I don’t want to hear it,’ he said quietly.

I had to just say it. ‘Jace, the supplier is Nicholas Sang.’

* * *

**Alec**

_‘You want milk duds?’_

_I shrugged._ _‘They’re not my thing.’_

_Jace rolled his eyes._ _‘Your thing is gross, Lightwood. You can’t put chocolate in popcorn.’_

_‘I can and I must. It melts and then you get bunches of popcorn with chocolatey goodness. Perfection.’_

_Jace was still a little drunk and probably high from his dabble with cocaine, but he had cheered up significantly when he realised we were going to a 1am showing of old horror movies at the multiplex. We were the only two people in there, waiting for the movie to roll as he jammed his feet up high on the seat above._

_‘Are they always open this late year-round or ‘cause it’s nearly Halloween?’ he asked, throwing milk duds high and catching them in his mouth._

_I suppressed a yawn._ _‘Halloween.’_

_‘That’s cool. Can’t believe there’s no one else here.’_

_‘Probably because they’re not crazy.’_

_He grinned askew._ _‘Fuck normal. I love this movie.’_

_I stared at him and smiled to myself._ _‘I know you do.’_

_The screen burst to life, grainy black and white and Jace was enthralled. I watched the movie with him for a while, but I wasn_ _’t really watching it. I was so focused on him, on making sure he was happy, that I could barely pay attention to the zombies._

_After a while, he rested his head on my shoulder._

_‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, though we were alone in the stands._

_‘That’s OK,’ I said, quite automatically. ‘It’s always OK.’_

_‘One day it won’t be,’ he said. ‘One day, you’ll say no it’s not OK, Jace.’_

_I wrapped my arm around him and he moved closer, head resting against my chest. We looked like lovers, intimate and comfortable._

_‘It will always be OK,’ I said. ‘I’ve got you, Herondale.’_

_‘Love you,’ he said._

_‘You too.’_

* * *

**Clary**

Alec frowned. ‘No, what?’

Jace didn’t turn back to me, nor did he speak.

‘Nicholas Sang,’ I repeated.

‘As in…Sang’s? The shithole dive we drink in?’ Alec questioned with a strong measure of disbelief. ‘No, Clary, come on.’

‘That’s not all,’ I pushed on because fuck, this was so much harder than I thought. ‘Jace, Sang has been feeding you the drug for years.’

Still he didn’t move. I wanted to reach out to him, but if Alec thought it best to give him space then I would follow suit.

‘And before you say it, I _know_ Sebastian is hardly trustworthy and we have verify all this ourselves by bringing him in, but I wanted you to hear it before it came out of his mouth or…fuck, I don’t know…as _leverage_ or whatever from this guy! Sebastian told me he’s been putting it in your drinks, in _everyone_ _’s_ drinks, for years.’

When Jace moved, it was to raise his hand a little, like he was motioning for something. He cleared his throat.

‘Alec,’ he said and his Parabatai went to him as though someone had cut a rope that had been holding him back. It wasn’t a second too soon. Jace’s knees gave out and Alec caught him just in time. I rushed forward, but Alec motioned me to stay back.

‘I’m sorry,’ I babbled. ‘I just…I didn’t want to you—’

‘It’s OK,’ Alec said, but his focus was on Jace. ‘You did the right thing.’

‘The decision as to whether or not we _find_ Sang officially is yours, Jace.’

Alec nodded in lieu of his Parabatai, stroking his hair and touching him in such an openly _intimate_ way that I worried for them. Alec didn’t seem to care, though.

‘Thank you,’ he said and it was clearly a dismissal.

* * *

**Alec**

The implication hung in the air like the aftermath of an explosion. By some miracle, Jace got to his feet when she left and tried to look normal.

I opened my mouth to speak but Jace shook his head ever so slightly and then a moment later Henson came in, towel in hand and dressed for a workout. 

'Hey,' he said with such purposeful nonchalance he may as well have just graduation from Spy School. 

'Ready for patrol?' Jace asked. 'Bring Izzy too.'

'Good idea,' I said firing off a text telling her to meet us at the apartment.

This was thin fucking ice, now. The Clave were either going to have to be dealt with or we would need one hell of a cover-up once we had a better footing.

Jace was on the edge. Even if I hadn’t been able to feel it, I could see it so plainly now. Assuming any of this was true, did it mean Jace had seriously been on the drug for years? What did this _mean?_

 _You know what it means,_ a small Un-Cold part of me whispered.

* * *

Henson followed us, tailing at a stupidly obvious distance until we activated anti-tracking runes and lost him easily. The net was starting to close, we had no time.

The apartment was untraceable. Our last bastion of freedom, though it was still empty of furniture and had never been home to any of the parties or hang outs we dreamed of. A prison and a hideout, little else.

Izzy paced. ‘How long do we have?’

‘Not long. Whatever we’re going to do, we need to do it fast.’

Our sister sighed. ‘OK, so we go to the warehouse. We see if any of this is real.’

‘I agree,’ I said, watching Jace out the corner of my eye. He was just standing there, staring out of the window. This was where we’d slept together, right on this floor. The things he’d said to me…

That was before, though. Before and after. Two time lines, split completely.

‘No point speculating, we may as well just go there.’

‘What if it’s a trap?’ Jace asked, arms tight around himself.

Izzy frowned, considering. ‘Set by who? Sebastian?’

‘Maybe.’

‘It’s a possibility, of course, but as evil plans go it’s not one of his best. He’s had the opportunity to kill us all at various times. Also, he wants Clary’s approval. This whole thing is a gesture for her benefit.’

‘You don’t know that.’

Izzy glanced at me. ‘We don’t know anything, that’s why we need to go find out. The implications, if true—’

‘Let’s not jump to conclusions,’ I hastened to add. ‘Izzy is right. We need to know what we’re dealing with before we consider how to move forward.’

He fell silent again and I waited, trying to ignore Izzy’s concerned looks.

‘Alec and I can go,’ she offered uncertainly. ‘If you want to stay here.’

‘No,’ he said, finally looking away from the window. ‘No, you’re right. Let’s go.’

* * *

The warehouse was huge and empty, save for a man tied to a chair in the centre. Around him was a pool of dried blood, splatters going off in every direction like some monstrous finger painting of a flower. Cautiously, I signalled to Izzy to check the perimeter of the room, letting Jace hang back.

I didn’t expect her to find anything. Though it wasn’t especially advisable, I couldn’t help but believe Sebastian didn’t want to harm us. If he’d gotten what he came for, then I imagined he wouldn’t bother us again.

The man tied to the chair was alive from what I could make out.

‘Clear,’ Izzy said.

The closer I got to him, the more evident it became that this was in fact Nick Sang, the same overweight, balding fat guy who owned and managed Sang’s. Proximity also alerted me to the rather jarring fact that his hands had been cut off at the wrist. Two bloodied, bandaged stumps remained, taped tightly to the back of the chair.

‘Oh fuck,’ Izzy swore, facing him.

One of feet had been removed also. I felt a dizzying kind of shock seeing such a thing. Nick wasn’t bruised or beaten. Gagged within an inch of his life and deathly pale, but aside from the loss of three appendages, he didn’t appear to have been roughed up at all.

 _Clever_ , I thought to myself. Bruises and cuts heal. Hands and feet don’t grow back.

I looked to Jace and saw only my shock reflected there, but dull and distant.

‘Nick,’ he whispered, shaking his head. ‘What the fuck?’

The man looked up, tears streaming as he made strangled sounds. I tore the gagging tape off, taking some skin from his lips as I did. He let out a scream which simmered down into a sob.

‘Please,’ he cried, back heaving. ‘Please!’

I looked around at the warehouse. There were anti-tracking sigils everywhere and many more I didn’t recognise. We still had to be quick.

‘So, it was you?’ I asked. ‘You’re the one behind all this, huh?’

Nick shook his head, sobbing quietly. ‘Please, don’t hurt me anymore.’

‘Was it you or not?’ Izzy demanded.

‘Yes!’ he yelled, struggling against the extremely tight ropes binding him. ‘YES, ALL RIGHT! PLEASE JUST UNTIE ME!’

I looked at the restraints with doubt. ‘I’d hazard a guess they’re the only thing keeping you alive, stopping you from bleeding out entirely.’ I knelt before him. ‘Tell us what we want to know and I’ll call the cops. You’ll live.’

He scrunched up the toes on his remaining foot and after a shuddering breath, he nodded. ‘OK.’

‘You made the drug?’

‘I did.’

‘Why?’

Snot pouring from his nose, he swallowed hard. ‘My wife was a warlock, I wanted…we both wanted to make her human. I’d worked in chemistry all my life, I thought I could find something to access the human part of her and give it dominion.’

‘But it didn’t, did it?’ Jace guessed softly. ‘You invented this shit instead.’

He was shaking violently, his body in shock. ‘Yes,’ he rushed to agree. ‘It backfired at first so I—I added other elements, then my wife used magic for the last part, but it didn’t work like we thought.’

‘You’ve been the one selling it all this time?’

‘Yes, using —ahhh!’ he flinched, pulling on his left shoulder which seemed to be spasming. ‘Using proxies and middle men, obviously.’

‘Why?’

‘God damn it, I already told your psycho friend all this!’ he screamed, face contorted with agony.

‘That’s not our friend,’ Izzy said. ‘And if you wanna live, keep talking.’

Nick sobbed some more and I marvelled at how expertly Sebastian had broken him.

‘Did you order that _thing_ to take Alec?’ Jace asked quietly. ‘Did you?’

‘Yes,’ Nick wheezed. ‘But not for the reason you think.’

‘You ordered it to take Alec,’ Jace said, slowly getting closer to Nick. ‘Hold him and shoot him up with your poison?’

‘It’s not poison!’ Nick yelled suddenly. ‘And I did it for you, kid!’

Jace was stunned into silence, we all were.

‘I wanted you to get your happy ending,’ Nick said. ‘You were so obviously in love with him. You know how many times I listened to you in that bar? I knew he’d never make a move, too cowardly!’

‘You fucking piece of shit,’ Izzy breathed with abject disgust. ‘Who the fuck are you to ruin lives like this?’

‘And it’s not entirely true either,’ I said, watching him. ‘He wanted to spread it through the Shadow world too. Have it infect everyone.’

‘I wanted you all to know the other part of yourselves,’ Nick insisted. ‘To embrace the darkness like I did! I injected myself with it and I saw everything crystal fuckin’ clear! It made me better than who I’d been all my life!’

‘The next question I ask,’ Izzy said. ‘Will determine if we call the cops to collect a corpse or a cripple. Did you give Jace this shit in his drinks?’

Nick stilled, looking her in the eye. ‘I gave it to _everyone._ It was in every single drink I ever sold. It’s not my fault that _he_ drank five times as much as everyone else!’

‘So, you weren’t targeting Jace?’ I asked doubtfully. ‘You knew we were Shadowhunters.’

‘I knew, yeah. I didn’t force any of you inside. Didn’t make you drink. I didn’t want to be alone,’ Nick said, eyes rolling back a little. ‘I just…wanted to see…’

‘See what?’ Jace asked tightly. ‘See how you were destroying me for years?’

‘’M sorry,’ Nick slurred. ‘Brought out the worst in you. ‘S usually the other…way…round.’

Jace slapped him across the face, bringing him back to the present moment. ‘Answer me this,’ he said, pressing against the severed area where a foot had once been. ‘Is it permanent? If I detox or whatever, will I get myself back?’

Nick swallowed his screams, eyes bulging. ‘No!’ he burst out. ‘You’ve been taking it too long, too often. It’s in your cells now. Irreversible.’

‘No,’ Jace said, voice cracking. _‘No_.’

‘This is who you are now,’ Nick said wildly. ‘I have altered you! Made you into something different. You’ll pass it along to whoever you’re with. Don’t you see? You’re the _carrier_ , Jace!’

Jace whitened. ‘What?’

‘Shadowhunter blood can sustain the change better than human blood,’ Nick went on. ‘You’ll even pass it to your children, think of that!’

To my surprise, Jace laughed, ice cold. There was no humour in his eyes at all and it quite took my breath away.

‘You’re all out of luck there, Nick,’ he said softly. ‘Too bad.’

Izzy swallowed nervously and glanced at me.

‘I’ll change the world, you hear me?!’ Nick yelled, his manic energy peaking as he struggled uselessly.

Jace pulled out his blade. ‘You won’t even put a dent in it.’

Nick eyed the blade. ‘No, I have lots more to explain! The history, how I created it!’

Jace held the blade out. ‘Is there a cure?’

‘No, but there is so much more—’

Jace cut his head off.

* * *

There was very little discussion about what to do. Izzy volunteered to dispose of the body nearby. She seemed to have a very specific plan which she didn’t share. Jace and I kept watch atop the warehouse roof.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I said after we hadn’t spoken for a while. It was cold, but with the distant sounds of the city around us, it felt comforting. Like the rooftop back at the Institute. ‘I don’t…’

‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘I can’t really um…process it, too much?’

‘No, I understand,’ I rushed to say because holy fuck, he was talking to me again. ‘It’s a lot, too much to take in.’

Fuck, I was so useless.

‘Alec,’ he said hesitantly. ‘I know you’re still on the drug.’

The bottom of my stomach fell out. ‘What? No, Jace—’

‘It’s OK,’ he said tiredly. ‘I don’t mind.’

I didn’t know what to say. ‘How…?’

‘I think I’ve known for a while; I just didn’t want to believe it. I’m not mad.’

‘But I’m…not _your_ Alec.’

He laughed, teeth chattering in the cold. ‘I’m hardly one to be choosy, am I? What the fuck version of myself am I? Broken, ruined, pathetic.’

‘Don’t say that,’ I said automatically.

‘But now it’s actually true,’ he said. ‘Like, it’s _really_ true. That shit has been inside me for years. I’m not myself anymore and I never will be again.’ He wiped at his eyes, real tears this time. ‘Alec, I want to leave with you.’

‘What?’

‘You…before, you said we should leave.’ He looked at me. ‘I want to leave with you. I want to go somewhere, I don’t care where the fuck it is, and just be with you. Whatever of you I can get, I’ll take. If you’re…if you want to, that is.’

My heart was doing crazy things. ‘Jace, why are you saying this?’

‘I just can’t do this anymore. There isn’t a way for me to cope and if there is, I don’t know it. I can’t be here; I can’t make myself seem OK on the outside anymore. What Nick said, he’s right. I’m not myself and I never will be again. This is who I am now and I have to accept it.’ He moved closer. ‘I accept you like this if you accept me.’

The fracture between the two Alec’s became a chasm. The divide was crumbling, there and then.

‘Jace, you’re perfect,’ I said, unable to stop myself taking his hands in mine. ‘Fucking perfect.’

He let out a small, breathy sob. ‘But I’m not.’

When he didn’t recoil from my touching his hands, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. I enveloped him in a hug as he cried in earnest.

‘You’re perfect to me,’ I insisted.

‘Alec, I…I sold my ability to ever have children,’ he confessed wretchedly. ‘I gave it away.’

All the air left my lungs. ‘What?’

‘I found you with a bargaining demon,’ he said, drawing away to look at me. ‘It asked for my ability to father children and I agreed.’

‘Oh, Jace,’ I said, eyes stinging with un-shed tears. ‘I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have come for me, look at the mess I’ve made since then!’

He drew his thumb across my jaw. ‘Not come for you?’ he said, eyes shining. ‘Never.’

‘But I’ve fucked everything up,’ I went on, hellbent on venting. ‘I can’t give this shit up, Jace! I…I took advantage of you, I planned on making you come to me because I was…’ my breath gave out as a huge rolling sob crashed through me. ‘Because I was so in love with you.’

He pressed his forehead to mine. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘It _does_ matter, Jace! You deserve better, you deserve _him_.’

‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘I really don’t. Maybe it’s better this way. We’ve both fucked up so bad at this point, there’s no reason to keep tabs.’ He gave a breathy, fragile laugh. ‘At least I won’t have to feel guilty about tainting you by association.’

I wanted to insist how wrong he was, but it would go on all night.

‘You’ll be an amazing Dad,’ I told him fiercely. ‘You can adopt or use a surrogate or whatever you want.’

He managed a small smile. ‘I should have listened to you before. Of _course_ you’re Alec.’

‘And you’re Jace,’ I said, head spinning. ‘No matter what that asshole said.’

‘So, can we leave?’ he asked in a hopeful whisper.

‘We don’t have to. We can find a way to fix things here.’

‘No, I can’t be here anymore. I hate it. Everywhere I look there’s piece of that night. I still…’ he shook his head, eyes scrunched. ‘I still can’t remember it, but I know you do. You felt it all and that’s…it’s like I don’t have to remember it because you do. You felt it for me.’

It was like I’d never felt pain before until now.

‘So, if we leave, I won’t have to remember any of it, ever. We can go somewhere new, start fresh. Both of us. Together.’

‘Jace,’ I said hesitantly.

He dreaded the thought of me rejecting him. I felt it. So he kissed me. A chaste press of his mouth to mine, nothing more. But it wasn’t a kiss borne of the desire to do so. It was _bargaining_.

‘Together,’ he insisted, almost like he was trying to convince himself. _‘Together_.’

The moment slowed, froze.

If I agreed, he would go with me. He would let me choose where and how; he would follow. He would be grateful. He’d lean into me and let me lead us both from there onwards. He would love me unconditionally. He would not prevent me from maintaining my use of the drug.

It was everything I wanted.

But there was no part of me that did not love Jace Herondale and that was my undoing. The common link between myself and the _other_ Alec had corrupted my determination and ruthlessness. A virus, a weak link. Heavy and immediate, morality infected my perfect ambition.

Everything I ever wanted… and I couldn’t take it.

But I didn’t let him feel that. I kept it tightly under lock and key.

‘Together,’ I lied and let myself feel him in my arms one last time.

* * *

The demon wasn’t easy to summon.

 _‘You come willingly, Shadowhunter?’_ a ghastly voice asked from a pillar of smoke and light.

Eyes closed, I said, ‘Yes.’

_‘I do not require from you the price of Belaphim.’_

‘Wait, what?’

_‘I have already taken from your lover. From you, I want something more.’_

‘OK, what?’

The voice sounded calculating. _‘Tell me first, what you ask of Belaphim?’_

‘I ask that you give my Parabatai his strength back and remove the substance from his body that has been poisoning him for years.’

Silence, until, _‘This is a great deal more than I simple location request.’_

‘Tell me the price, then.’

_‘First, you must agree to pay it.’_

‘The fuck? No!’

_‘The price affects only you, no others.’_

‘I won’t blindly agree to—’

_‘Then we have nothing to discuss.’_

The light vanished, leaving me blinking in the darkness.

‘Fuck.’

I redrew the rune, fresh from a print out from the library and waited.

‘ _You irk me, boy,_ _’_ the voice said, lightly slowly filtering back. ‘ _Decide._ _’_

 _‘_ I need a guarantee that the price affects no one but myself!’

_‘You have it.’_

My whole body was shaking, sick with dread. ‘Then I agree to the price upon completion of a bargain between us.’

 _‘Clever little Shadowhunter,’_ the demon said. _‘You may state your request.’_

‘Like I said before, I need you to remove the poison from his body. Make him whole again.’

 _‘Your request is poor,’_ the Demon chided with evident amusement. _‘Why not take his memories of the assault he suffered?’_

I thought of Magnus’s warning. ‘No, that’s not…no.’

_‘So many requests you could voice,’ it said. ‘And you ask this?’_

‘Yes.’

_‘It could be done.’_

‘Name the price, then.’

_‘I will clean your soulmate, purify him of the rot in his blood and in exchange, I will take all your memories since the first moment you were born unto this strength and clarity.’_

My mind scrambled to understand. ‘Wait, no! I can’t do that.’

_‘You beg a great gift; it comes at a great price. I will have the memories of your time since the moment your consciousness was altered. Every moment of it.’_

‘I won’t remember anything from the last few weeks?’

_‘Nothing. Every moment of your delicious torment and self-destruction will be mine for all time.’_

I considered the offer, heart thundering. ‘I can’t,’ I bit off. ‘No, Jace needs me to remember it. I’m the only person who knows.’

 _‘As a goodwill gift,’_ the demon extolled. _‘I will impart unto you the knowledge that your Shadowhunter is dying.’_

My blood turned to water. ‘ _What?_ _’_

_‘He has barely five years left of health enough to keep him standing before the poison in his blood eats him alive. He will die a twisted, broken little thing, unrecognisable and you will feel relief at his passing, such was the indignity he suffered in his final months.’_

‘You’re lying!’

_‘You know the science of Yin Fen. You know the dangers posed. I have no need to lie, little Shadowhunter.’_

‘Let me verify this,’ I begged.

I expected the refusal. _‘No_ ,’ it said calmly. _‘My offer expires the moment you leave and I will never make such a generous one again. A few memories and in exchange I clean you and your Parabatai, saving his life in the process?’_

‘Take something else. Take _my_ ability to have children!’

The demon went quiet for a moment. _‘I cannot.’_

‘Why?’

_‘I have stated the price; it cannot be altered.’_

‘Please,’ I said. ‘I can’t leave him alone in this.’

_‘He will have his strength once more. His true Parabatai by his side. Everything he needs to survive in this world. Are you so selfish to deny him this?’_

My heart was fit to cave in. This could not be borne.

‘Make your offer properly,’ I said through gritted teeth and tear stained eyes.

_‘I offer to remove the corruption from both you and Jace Herondale, resulting in good health and returned state of mind. In exchange, I will take all memories of yours since you were so affected by this blight.’_

I tried to breathe. ‘I will never have existed.’

‘ _Indeed_ ,’ the demon said, I could tell it was smiling. _‘Look into the light of your own extinction, creature born of science and madness. I will take you for all time and cradle you in glass and steel.’_

‘He’ll have his Alec back?’ I asked, wiping my eyes. ‘His strength and true self?’

_‘He will.’_

With closed eyes, I searched for any last trace of that cool, calm tranquillity but it was long gone. Faced with the prospect of my own death, I took a steadying breath and opened my eyes. I thought of Jace, let him fill my senses as I held his memory close. 

‘The price is acceptable. Do it.’

*

_A/N -Holy fuck guys I am **SO SORRY** that was well over a month, honestly I'm so sorry. However, this chapter was basically two chapters in one at a whopping 13000 words so hopefully that makes up for a bit? Book writing really took over this month and I had so little time to get this done, but here it is. _

_Please let me know your thoughts, I know I ask this every time but hearing from readers makes writing this all worth it and every word you say means so much to me._ _As you ca see we are headed for misunderstandings galore in the next chapter and more bittersweet interactions. I'm also sorry if any of this was triggering._

_So, yeah. If you liked it, I'd love to hear from you. Like, I need to hear from you or I'll cry into a pillow._

_p.s even if the comments section is as barren as last time, I won't be this long updating again, promise._


	15. Chapter Fifteen: If I Look Away Will You Dissappear?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has lost a piece of himself, the Council serve warrants for Jace and Alec to stand trial.

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

**\- If I Look Away Will You Disappear? -**

_‘Help you dress yourself up fancy,  
_ _And bathe you when you get sore.  
I'll be good, I think I could,   
Be all you would want and more and more.   
Be proud when you dazzle the wanderers,   
Glitter your eyes for the town.   
Tell every last boy that you're my man, I  
'll try not to let you down._ _'  
Til the siren come calling, calling, I  
t's driving me evil, evil.   
Mama was a heart-breaker, loved you,   
The same way I do,   
But I've got so much wickedness and sin._ _’_

_-Bat for Lashes_

**Jace**

I awoke, as always, with a sense of thick and monstrous realisation. Reality set in, obeying gravity when dreams were not around to suspend it. The desire to fall back into unconsciousness was strong, but not so overwhelming that day.

My morning routine began; showering away the night sweats, practising facial expressions in the mirror and doing a few breathing exercises. Days were an onslaught of sensory overload, anxiety and reactionary facades. Better to be prepared.

For the first time, the breathing exercises actually _helped._ I felt a little calmer, slightly more in control. I looked at myself.

‘Everything is fine,’ I said, like I always did. ‘Everything is fine.’

Maybe today it would be. Alec had promised we would leave together and that had to be the reason I felt something resembling hope.

It would be difficult adjusting to things like kissing and…touching, but I knew he wouldn’t push. He’d give me the time I needed and if I had to push myself, well then that’s what I would do.

Someone knocked on my door.

‘Come in,’ I called, dressing quickly. I looked around, hoping it was Alec.

‘Hey,’ Izzy said with a small wave. I tried not to make it obvious that I’d been expecting someone else. ‘You OK?’

Cue my relaxed _Everything Was Great_ smile. ‘Of course,’ I said. ‘You?’

I hadn’t seen her since last night when she’d disposed of Sang’s headless corpse. I watched for signs of distress, but Izzy was just as talented as I was when it came to hiding emotions.

‘Fine,’ she said, but there was clearly something on her mind. ‘Have you seen Alec?’

‘Uh, no. Why?’

She shrugged, biting her lip. ‘I haven’t seen him since he went out last night.’

I paused. ‘He went out?’

‘Yeah, he said he wouldn’t be long and not to wake you.’

‘He’s not back?’

‘No. He’s, uh, not answering calls either.’

‘You tried tracking him?’

She shook her head. ‘Still wearing the anti-tracking rune from last night.’

Shit. My stomach twisted horribly, worry immediately eating away at my shakily constructed control. ‘OK, let’s…let’s do the tracing thing on his phone!’

Izzy reached for her phone from her pocket. ‘I didn’t even think of that, fuck!’

Clary had installed it for us as Alec’s request a few days ago. He didn’t say anything, but it was clear he never wanted to be in a position where he couldn’t find me again.

Izzy got there before me. ‘He’s nearby,’ he said, sounding relieved. ‘Two blocks away.’

‘Let’s go.’

* * *

We walked around, searching for his face in the crowd. The phone locater was imprecise, but it gave us a general area, a radius to search within.

‘He’s moving,’ Izzy said, staring intently at her phone screen. ‘Look, the circle thing has moved!’

Panic strangled my heart. What the fuck was happening _now_?

Deep down, I suspected Alec had finally given into his anger and gone in search of them, the men who’d hurt me. I tried to feel him out through our bond, but it was weirdly neutral.

‘Fuck. Try calling him again.’

She dialled and waited, tense and worried. ‘Alec!’ she burst out when he must have answered. Relieved beyond measure, I put my hand to my heart and closed my eyes. ‘Where the fuck are you? OK, look around - what do you see? A deli, what’s the name? We’re real close, stay there. We’re coming now. No, stay on the phone.’

We navigated a path through Mundanes until the Deli came in to view. I thought maybe I was having a panic attack. Izzy swerved and pulled us inside and there he was, standing by the counter, phone to his ear.

‘Alec!’ Izzy called. He turned to her and she yanked him down into a fierce hug which he returned slowly but before I could get the measure of anything, Izzy slapped him hard across the face. ‘This has to stop!’ she yelled, not remotely bothered that they were causing a scene in the small, cramped Deli. ‘You understand? I’m not gonna die of a heart attack before I hit twenty-one, you asshole!’

‘Izzy,’ he said, shaking his head, hand on his cheek. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t…I forgot I had my phone.’

‘Guys,’ I said cautiously ‘Let’s take this outside?’

Alec followed his sister out, but the whole way his eyes were latched onto me. He was searching, seeking me out. The bond between us flared, but it felt so different I hardly recognised it. It wasn’t weaker exactly, just…different. _Less_.

In the fresh morning air, we walked a few paces to a little coffee shop. Izzy sat down at a small table outside. ‘I need coffee,’ she said sternly. ‘Then we’ll talk.’

‘I uh,’ Alec said, feeling in his pockets. ‘I don’t have my wallet.’

‘I’ve got mine,’ I said, nudging him inside with me where we joined the small queue. ‘Are you OK?’ I asked in a hushed voice. ‘What happened? Alec, you didn’t… kill them, right?’

His eyes widened almost comically. ‘Kill who?’

I stared suspiciously. If he was lying, he was doing a good job. ‘So, where were you then?’

He rubbed his shoulder absently. ‘You know, I’m not sure? I’ve just been walking around for a while. Things are a bit…muddled.’

He seemed so innocent. ‘Muddled how?’

‘I don’t know,’ he said, but smiled and put hand on my shoulder. ‘But you’re here now, so everything is fine.’

‘What can I get you?’ a man behind the counter asked impatiently.

‘Three flat whites,’ I said, pushing crumpled dollar bills towards him. ‘We’re outside.’ I moved us away from the counter and pulled Alec close. ‘Izzy said you left.’

‘I… yeah, I must have left,’ he said and shrugged with another child-like smile. ‘Angel, I can barely remember anything. Last time I let you take me out day-drinking, Herondale.’

He went outside and I followed, frowning. ‘Day-drinking?’

Alec sat beside Izzy and now that he thought he’d found the reason why he couldn’t remember much; he seemed a lot more relaxed.

‘I’m really sorry,’ he told her again, kissing her head and hugging her. ‘I must have been way over the legal limit, I think. Blame our brother.’

Izzy squinted at him and then looked to me, but I had no answers. It was strange that he’d just called me his brother like that, when he _knew_ Izzy knew about us.

‘You went out drinking?’ she asked quietly as a young girl placed coffees on the rickety metal table. I sat down and took a sip, anxiety knitting a fucking sweater of dread in my stomach.

‘Must have,’ Alec said, reaching for sugar and glancing at me. ‘You weren’t with me?’

‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ I asked.

‘I feel OK,’ he said simply. ‘A little uh, blank, you know? Did I go to Sang’s?’

I almost spilled my coffee. _‘What_?’

‘What’s the last thing you remember?’

Alec considered Izzy’s question, seeming confused. ‘I remember drinking with Jace at that bar, the nice one. Before that, we were trying to get a lead on the drug with Sebastian.’

Izzy paled. ‘Oh my God.’

‘Alec,’ I said, voice shaking. ‘That was almost a month ago.’

He laughed nervously. ‘No, it was yesterday. C’mon. I think I remember…yeah, I sort of remember arguing with someone, actually. That’s the last thing, but it’s so muddled. Did we argue?’ he asked, eyes full of youthful concern. ‘I’m sorry if we did.’

‘Christ.’

‘Guys,’ he said, looking between us with growing worry. ‘What is it?’

Izzy took his hand. ‘Alec, listen to us, OK? This is going to be difficult to hear, but I need you to listen. The things you’re describing, they happened weeks ago.’

He blinked owlishly. ‘What—what does that mean?’

‘Do you seriously not remember anything else? Not about Sang or Sebastian?’

My Parabatai looked alarmed. ‘What about them? Why, did they… _do it_?’

Part of me wanted to burst out laughing. He was so scandalised.

‘No,’ I said. ‘They’re…Sang was the supplier of the drug.’

‘Sang?’ he echoed with extreme doubt. ‘As in _Sang_ _’s_? No way.’

‘Yes way,’ I said. ‘I cut his head off last night.’

‘And Sebastian,’ Izzy cut in before Alec could question anything about that. ‘Was using us to get to the supplier. He’s actually Valentine’s son. Clary’s brother.’

He looked between us, scanning for any signs of a lie and when he found nothing, he swallowed.

‘OK, what _the fuck_?’

* * *

In the end, we did what we always did in times of need.

‘I swear I’m leaving the country,’ Magnus groaned. ‘This is it. I’m going into Witness Protection just so I can have a week to myself!’

‘I’m so sorry,’ Izzy said, pushing Alec unnecessarily into the room. ‘But this is an emergency’

The Warlock sobered. ‘Go on, then.’

‘He doesn’t remember anything after a few weeks ago,’ I explained, indicating to a very lost looking Alec.

Magnus circled him, hand on chin. ‘He hit his head?’

‘Not that we can see, no.’

Magnus cleared his throat. ‘Could have been a memory spell. To uh, get rid of any _bad_ memories maybe.’

My heart clenched so tight I winced. Did he _know_?

‘He wouldn’t do that,’ I said without really meaning to.

Izzy and Magnus looked at me while Alec stared, listening to everything we said in confused and frightened silence.

‘Very well,’ Magnus said, giving Alec his attention. ‘Sit down, blue eyes.’

Alec sat cautiously.

‘Before we try magic, let’s see what we have here. Your name?’

Alec rolled his eyes. ‘Alexander Gideon Lightwood.’

‘A-plus,’ Magnus said with a comforting smile. ‘Who are we?’

‘Magnus Bane,’ he said. ‘Isabelle Sophia Lightwood. Jonathon Christopher Herondale, though he hates the name Jonathon.’

‘That’s good. So, tell me what happened yesterday?’

‘I felt down. Jace took me out drinking. It sorta made me feel worse, actually.’

‘How do you feel now?’

‘I feel like…everything is OK,’ Alec admitted, clasping his hands together. ‘Which it clearly isn’t, but that’s how I feel.’

‘Walk me through the blurry parts.’

Alec sighed. ‘I remember feelings bad, like physically bad. I remember the drug in my system, making me feel sick and shaky. Jace took me out and after, we saw the new apartment.’ He thought hard for a moment. ‘I remember talking to you, Magnus! You came to see me, you told me to uh…take care of myself!’

Magnus smiled indulgently. ‘That’s right.’

‘After that, things aren’t all that clear.’

‘Try.’

‘I was… maybe arguing with someone.’

‘With who?’

‘I don’t know, I can’t picture it. That’s the last thing I remember. Then I was just…kind of walking around.’

‘How long for? Was it daylight?’

‘No, it was right before dawn. I didn’t think I needed to do anything, I just wanted to walk.’

‘OK, you did great. I’m gonna use a little magic now. Is that all right?’

‘Yeah, that’s fine.’

Magnus stood behind Alec and moved his hands, conjuring red swirls of magic. He muttered a few words, eyes closed in concentration. For a while everything seemed to be going well, but then something crackled and hissed. Magnus stepped back in alarm. He looked to me, eyes wide before he recovered and shook whatever it was off.

‘What?’ Izzy demanded worriedly.

‘You were right,’ Magnus said in a low tone. ‘His memories of the last few weeks are completely gone, like they were never there at all. I can see the tear. It’s put him in a mild state of shock.’

‘Gone?’ I said, hands tightening. ‘Like, forever?’

‘It would seem so,’ the Warlock said slowly. ‘More importantly, he seems to have come in contact with a serious dose of dark magic.’

‘How dark?’

‘Very.’

My knuckles were white, pulse racing so fast it hurt my wrists. ‘A demon?’

‘Most probably,’ Magnus hedged, his gaze fixing on me.

‘What?’ Izzy asked, looking between us. ‘What the _fuck_ is happening? I’m so sick of all the lies and furtive looks, someone tell me what’s going on!’

‘I think,’ I said, trying to keep my voice level. ‘Alec bargained with a demon.’

What had he bargained _for_? Did he take my memories away of… of what happened? Oh God, had he messed with my brain?’

‘I don’t think he would have done that,’ Magnus said quietly to me and I realised I said the last part out loud. ‘I really don’t.’

‘Done what?’ Izzy demanded.

‘Hey,’ Alec said, standing up and his expression clouded as he took in my pain. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, closing the gap between us. ‘Jace, what’s happened?’

He didn’t remember. He didn’t _know_.

‘I don’t know either,’ I told him as reassuringly as I could. ‘But we’ll figure it out.’

‘Magnus,’ Izzy said, her mouth turned down with grim undertones. ‘Yesterday we found out that Nick Sang was the supplier of the drug. We also found out that he’d been putting it in all the drinks for years, especially Jace’s. I think that might have been what Alec traded for, if anything.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Jace had the drug in his system for years,’ Izzy said and I felt my Parabatai panic.

‘Is that true?’

‘Yeah, looks like,’ I said, trying hard to keep myself together for him.

‘That can’t be right,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘No, that would mean—’

I didn’t want to go through all this again. ‘Sang confirmed it last night.’

‘No,’ he insisted. ‘I can feel you, you’re still my Jace!’

‘Can you check?’ Izzy asked Magnus. ‘See if it’s still inside him?’

‘You think Alec bargained to remove it from Jace?’

Izzy huffed. ‘Do I think they would bargain away their entire lives to help each other?’

Alec whirled to face her. ‘Wait, did Jace bargain something for _me_?’

‘Come sit down, Jace,’ Magnus suggested calmly. Carefully, I untangled my fingers from my Parabatai and sat where Magnus indicated. He kept a respectful distance and said, so quietly I barely heard it, ‘I’m not going to touch you at any point.’

At first, I felt relieved. Unexpected contact was a nightmare, resulting in anxiety and breathless internal hysteria. Then I processed what he’d said.

He knew.

Fucking hell, he knew.

I heard the sounds of magic being conjured, but before anything got going, Izzy’s cell phone went off. She seemed torn between answering and ignoring it, but eventually gave in.

‘What’s up?’ she asked and I knew it was Clary. ‘Oh _fuck._ _’_

 _‘_ What is it?’

She looked at me slowly. ‘Emissaries from the Council in Alicante. They’re at the Institute with warrants for you and Alec.’

* * *

It was a full house in the courtroom. The Council in Alicante had put on an enormous show for everyone to see. A spectacle that would live on as a modern-day cautionary tale for those who considered becoming Parabatai. The Council members sat at the head of the court, a podium nearby and two Silent Brothers lurking on the other side.

And right at the front, in pride of place, was Henson. I didn’t glare at him as we were escorted in, he didn’t deserve the satisfaction.

Alec was terrified and hadn’t stopped asking what was happening pretty much the whole time until now. Now he was silent and pale, looking to me for guidance.

 _Fuck_. Where was my ruthless, fearless Parabatai now that I needed him? Alec’s shock seemed to have mostly worn off, at least. I’d been too cowardly to tell him why we’d been hauled here, sick dread working to keep my throat closed.

‘Silence please,’ called Jia Penhallow, overseeing proceedings. ‘We are in session. I hand over to the Council.’

‘Thank you,’ said the central member, Sarah Roseclay, in a solemn voice, surveying Alec and I with a heavy, though relatively neutral expression. ‘The Council has convened today in light of troubling accusations brought forth against you both. We will hear the allegations and then we will hear a defence, if the accused wish to present one.’

As a murmur of sound rustled through the chamber, Alec leaned closer to me and breathed, ‘It’s me isn’t it? They know about the drug, right?’

I swallowed and minutely, shook my head.

‘What the _fuck_ is it then?’

‘Quiet, please,’ Sarah admonished the whispers of those gathered, but also clearly Alec and myself. ‘I would like to say on a personal note, that the Council have placed a great deal of trust in Alexander Lightwood. We have allowed him the opportunity to showcase his skill and leadership as interim Head of Institute and we have also granted him and the entire New York Institute a fair amount of breathing room, mostly due in part to their significant contributions over the years to the ongoing safety of the Shadow world and the world entire.’ She paused and shook her head. ‘Upon receipt of these reports, we are troubled to say the least. Conduct unbecoming is one thing. _Mistakes_ are one thing. Breaking cardinal law is quite another.’

I didn’t dare chance looking at Alec, it took all my strength to keep standing.

‘We will have the truth,’ Sarah said. ‘Gregory Henson, please step forward.’

Henson uncrossed his arms and came to stand on the small podium. Nearby, the Silent Brothers were watching. Fuck, they would verify everything in a heartbeat.

We should have run when we had the chance.

‘Please briefly recount for the court your statement, please.’

Henson cleared his throat. ‘Well, I’ve always suspected about those two. Everyone talks about it, you know? Everyone sees how close they are. Their whole little group excludes everyone else. They go on main missions while the rest of us get left behind to perform research and recon, maintain weapons, keep everything going! I’ve never been given the chance to—’

Sarah rolled her eyes. ‘I said _briefly_.’

Henson coloured and cleared his throat. ‘Yes, uh. Sorry. Jace and Alec have always been suspiciously close. Last year I was speaking with Clary—’

‘For the sake of the court, Gregory refers to Jonathon Herondale and Alexander Lightwood. Continue.’

‘So, last year I was speaking with _Clarrisa Fairchild_ and in a heated conversation she let slip to me that Alec was in love with Jace.’

That felt like a gut punch. I hadn’t known Clary was the reason for all the rumours.

Council seemed unimpressed, Sarah in particular. ‘And?’

‘And I started to notice things.’

Council member Albert Carmine leaned forward. ‘Yes, get to the incidents, please.’

Though the bond between us was weak compared to the last few weeks, I could feel Alec’s shame radiating through him. I wanted to reach out for him, but that would have been pretty damning.

‘I began to watch them,’ Henson explained. ‘How they were together. I saw that they were very close. Almost always touching.’

‘Touching how?’ Sarah asked.

‘Well, like hands on shoulders, playfully shoving each other.’

Albert said, ‘Like friends?’

‘More than friends,’ Henson insisted. ‘They were always together! _Always_ laughing and happy around each other!’

Sarah didn’t look impressed. ‘So, like… _friends_?’

‘Then there’s the nights they would go out drinking!’ Henson almost yelled. ‘They go to a Mundane club and get drunk and do Angel only knows what!’

The third and oldest Council member cleared his throat. Tomas Suena said, ‘There is no law that forbids Shadowhunters from spending free time with Mundanes.’

‘Yes,’ Sarah said quite sharply. ‘So far this is speculation and little else. Speak to the accusations you brought to us.’

Henson’s nerve just about held. ‘I know they slept together.’

Gasps and whispers filled the air, silenced by a stern glare from Sarah.

Alec looked like he’d been slapped. ‘That’s not true!’

‘You will be given a chance to defend yourself,’ Sarah told him. ‘Do not speak again without permission. Please continue, Gregory.’

‘It all started when Alec got injected with that drug.’

Sarah leaned back. ‘Specify, please.’

‘Well, Alec got taken by a demon and held for four days—’

‘Specify about the _relationship_ ,’ Sarah corrected with a sigh.

‘Alec got hooked on the drug and then, while _still on_ the drug, they had sex.’

‘How do you know this?’

Henson looked down. ‘I heard them.’

‘You heard them having sex?’

‘Yes.’

Alec shot me an incredulous look which I wished I could return.

‘How do you know that’s what you heard?’ Albert asked.

Henson shrugged uncomfortably. ‘It was clearly them having sex and it wasn’t exactly _quiet_ either. They were… talking a lot during, which is how I know it was them. Also, I was…I was listening from the other room so I knew who was in there.’

Trembling with barely restrained anger, I hissed, ‘Pathetic!’

Sarah glared mildly in my direction, but didn’t say anything.

Tomas said, ‘The court asks you to specify what you heard.’

Cheeks flushed, Henson said, ‘Alec told Jace he was in love with him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He said it was unbearable to feel him… _sleeping_ with other people. Then he said, kiss me and you’ll feel it.’

Alec shook his head silently, numb horror and ferocious denial coursing through him. How must it have sounded to him, hearing Henson parrot things he’d said, but with no memory of?

‘You must have had your ear pressed very hard against that wall, Gregory,’ Sarah commented dryly. ‘What then?’

Henson was red and flustered, but he went on. ‘And then they started doing stuff, I heard noises. Banging and groaning. They talked a lot, still. Tell me you’re mine, say you love me, can you feel me inside you? Blah blah blah.’

‘You’re certain it was both of them?’

‘Of course! I’ve read about the effects of Parabatai _doing it_ and it was obvious their bond was way beyond normal after that.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, the telepathy thing during sex seemed to make sense, the stuff they were saying, it was like their reading each other’s minds! After that, they were obviously a lot closer, too! They disappeared for days, shacked up Angel knows where.’

‘Very well. Do you have any other accusations to levy?’

Henson took a breath and here, he seemed to be debating with himself. But after a moment, his resolve hardened and he spoke. ‘I know Alec has been buying and using the drug, the _Dark of the Moon._ _’_

‘For reference, this is the supernatural drug causing issues in New York?’

‘Yes. I followed him a couple of times and he went to dealers and purchased it.’

Tomas asked, ‘For research purposed, no?’

‘No,’ Henson insisted. ‘He’s addicted to it! Test him, you’ll see! Everything I’ve said is true.’

‘We shall have the truth, indeed,’ Sarah said. ‘You may step down, Gregory, thank you. The court has heard these troubling accusations. Before we ask the Silent Brothers to verify or nullify these claims, Alexander Lightwood, do you have anything to say in your defence?’

I closed my eyes, heart breaking. This was his worst nightmare. Dragged before his peers and publicly punished for being not only gay, but having feelings for me. His secret spread wide across the Shadow realm. I didn’t dare look at him because what I might have seen could destroy me, but with everything I had, I sent my love and strength to him through our bond.

_Love you, love you, be strong, I_ _’m here._

He cleared his throat and shook himself, staring down for a moment before speaking. ‘I have no idea what to say in a situation like this, but Henson is clearly motivated by a professional grudge and there is no truth to either of these accusations.’

Sarah nodded, her focus moving to me. ‘Jonathon Herondale?’

I tipped my head back, showing resolute defiance. ‘What he said.’

‘Very well. Brother Zachariah, come forward. Jace, would you step onto the podium, please?’

Brother Zachariah waited until I was standing on the podium, facing the court and the people there. I saw Clary, Izzy and _fuck_ , Robert too. No Maryse, thank the Angel. Izzy and Clary were as close to the front as possible, they both gave me encouraging smiles, Clary’s arm around her best friend. Robert was in the back, staring.

‘Brother Zachariah will now examine your Parabatai bond,’ Albert explained. I knew what was about to happen and nodded briskly, awaiting the intrusion as though it was a death sentence.

I didn’t want to be intruded upon. I really, _really_ didn’t.

_Fuck, stay calm. Stay calm, breathe. Do the breathing exercises, in and out. Slow and rhythmical._

It wasn’t working.

**_I am going to place my hand on your shoulder now._ **

The voice in my mind was pitched as though he was speaking to me normally.

**_Are you ready?_ **

I nodded again; eyes closed as my treacherous heart sought to break my ribs.

The invasion was no subtle thing. I felt him inside me right away, my body rejecting this newcomer in the place where only Alec was allowed. Our bond, fragile and distressed, despaired at the examination, but I was powerless to prevent it.

 ** _I see the trauma you have endured_**. **_Rest easy, I will reveal nothing but what was asked of me._**

When he withdrew, I let out a violent breath, steadying myself against the podium. He said nothing, but nodded to the Council.

‘Jace, you may step down. Alec, please take to the stand.’

On shaky legs, I passed my Parabatai. He seemed to be controlling his terror a little better than me, but only just.

I watched him stand there, watched the Silent Brother lay a hand on him. Distantly, I could feel the intrusion and it sent second hand fear through my nervous system, but it was over quickly.

‘Your conclusion?’ Sarah asked, when Brother Zachariah nodded once more.

‘The Parabatai bond between these two is virginal. It has not been consummated or corrupted.’

A huge rustle of whispers erupted. Henson let out an indignant yell, eyes wide and jaw slack.

‘Silence!’ Tomas warned. ‘Continue, Brother.’

‘Furthermore, there is no trace of anything supernatural or otherwise inside them. They are clean of the toxin we first saw in Alexander when he was taken and forced to incubate it against his will. From what we know of the drug, thanks to Magnus Bane’s research, the compound is transmitted sexually. They are both completely clean.’

Both clean? _Oh Alec, what did you do?_

‘No!’ Henson yelled. ‘No, this is bullshit!’

‘Are you questioning the testimony of a Silent Brother?’ Sarah demanded icily.

But Henson’s outrage was too far gone, his testimony was damning to someone; us or him. ‘I demand the use of the Soul Sword!’

Sarah and the two men convened silently for a moment, before looking back at Henson.

‘Because of the severity of these accusations, we will permit the use of the Soul Sword, but your conduct, _Mr Henson,_ leaves much to be desired.’

Henson fell silent, watching as Brother Enoch handed the instrument to Brother Zachariah, brought to Alicante especially for the trial.

‘Place your hands upon the blade and speak only truth, lest it be pulled from you.’

Alec nodded and complied. The instant his skin touched the sword, I felt a vicious rip tide in his chest, awaiting a question.

Sarah went first. ‘Have you ever had sexual relations with your Parabatai, Jace Herondale?’

‘No.’

‘Are you taking any kind of drugs?’

‘No.’

Henson scowled and moved closer. ‘You didn’t sleep with Jace?’

‘No!’

‘You didn’t tell him he was perfect?’

‘He _is_ perfect, I’ve told him that before.’

‘During sex?’ Henson cut in, verging on desperation.

‘I’ve never had sex!’ Alec ground out, closing his eyes as his version of the truth was torn from him.

‘Gregory!’ Sarah bellowed. ‘Move back _immediately_!’

Henson ignored her. ‘I heard you! I _heard_ you having sex!’

‘Oh please, you heard Jace!’ Izzy shouted from the stands in the court. ‘Jace is _always_ having sex!’

‘Quiet, please!’

‘NO! Tell them you’re in love with him!’ Henson screamed. ‘Admit you’re in love with Jace!’

Alec’s whole body was rigid with the effort of trying to contain it, but there was no point. The sword dragged it out.

‘I’m in love with Jace!’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘I’ve been in love with him for years, everyone knows that! Jace doesn’t love me like that, though and we’ve never been anything but Parabatai and best friends!’

Brother Zachariah looked to the Council. Sarah gave a nod and he withdrew the sword. Alec keeled forward, but steadied himself just in time. He looked down and away, bitterly ashamed of his feelings and my heart was in pieces. Fucking pieces.

He believed I didn’t love him that way. _Believed_ it, heart and soul. Just like his counterpart had until that night in the apartment…

‘The Council has heard quite enough,’ Sarah said. ‘Please step down, Alec. Thank you for cooperating.’ She didn’t even wait for Alec to be back by my side before she spoke again.

‘We have heard accusations and been countered with evidence; cold, hard and undeniable. The allegations are withdrawn and expunged with immediate effect.’

Some people in the court clapped loudly, but it rang hollow to me.

‘Furthermore,’ Sarah added, sharp eyes zeroing in on a fairly devastated Henson. ‘We have clear evidence of malicious interference and slander. Do you have anything to say for yourself, Gregory?’

Pale and sweaty, Henson shook his head.

‘Very well, the Council recommends proceedings against—’

‘If I may!’ Alec said, raising a hand like he was in a damned classroom. ‘Please?’

Sarah, Albert and Tomas seemed surprised. ‘You wish to recommend a sentence?’ Tomas enquired.

‘Actually,’ Alec said. ‘I would like to speak on his behalf.’

I whipped around to face him, but he was already moving forward.

‘Alec,’ Sarah said. ‘This man has just attempted to ruin you and your Parabatai for reasons we must conclude are malicious.’

‘I know that,’ he went on shakily. ‘But I would like to speak for him anyway.’

‘Proceed.’

Alec took a deep breath. ‘Henson is a dedicated Shadowhunter who works hard and provides high value intelligence on a regular basis. He’s correct in his assertion that he is often overlooked for higher priority missions and this has been an oversight on my part. It’s clearly led to some resentment and misinterpretation of events. Jace and I are very close, anyone who lives with us at the Institute knows that. Greg was wrong, but he believed we’d broken the law. He did what any law-abiding Nephilim should do and he reported it. I would ask the Council to consider the matter closed without bringing forth retribution to the accuser.’

He fell silent and stepped back beside me.

Sarah had watched Alec the entire time without blinking. ‘Your kindness does you credit, young man,’ she said quietly. ‘I believe you’ll make an exemplary Head of Institute someday soon.’

She sighed and convened once more with her fellow Council members once more, while Henson stared at Alec like he’d never seen him before.

‘The fuck?’ I breathed, under cover of the whispers making the rounds in the stalls.

Alec shrugged ever so slightly, mouth in a thin line.

‘Very well,’ Sarah said. ‘We accept your recommendation at this time. Gregory, no charges will be brought against you, but I would think very carefully before making such serious accusations against the people you work shoulder to shoulder with again.’

Henson looked thunderstruck. ‘Y-yes,’ he managed to say, at a loss.

‘Good, good, Court dismissed.’

Izzy and Clary rushed to us once we left the court area. The hugs didn’t feel quite right, it was hardly a celebration.

‘You did great,’ Clary gushed tearfully. ‘Both of you.’

If I thought things were bad up until that point, it was nothing to how Alec felt when he made eye contact with his father, only to have Robert look away, shake his head and walk in the opposite direction.

‘Fuck him,’ Izzy intoned, lacing her fingers through Alec’s and swaying their hands a little. ‘You hear me? Fuck him! What does he know, anyway? Asshole is never here.’

Alec managed a brisk nod and a drawn smile. ‘Sure.’

‘Does this mean the investigation is over?’ Clary asked quietly as they walked.

‘It seemed pretty conclusive,’ Izzy said with an airy shrug that belied her deep concern. ‘We should get back.’

We passed a small group of Shadowhunters from the LA Institute who were speaking in low tones, glancing around furtively.

‘…crime or not, it’s absolutely disgusting. In love with his Parabatai? Not in my day, I’ll tell you that much.’

‘The New York Institute is a joke.’

‘The Lightwood name used to mean something, you know? Now it’s dragged through the mud by that little tramp Isabelle and that f—’

They saw us and straightened, the three older men. I wondered how good it would really feel to knock their teeth out (really fucking good) but Alec pressed his hand to my arm meaningfully and I got the message. He just wanted to leave.

Clary got no such message.

She diverted over to them and snarled, ‘On your _best_ day you wouldn’t be fit to polish the Lightwood crest, you spineless piece of shit!’ Before the taller one could respond, she brought her knee up hard and crushed it between his legs.

He dropped like he’d been shot, yelling and curling into a protective ball. The other two didn’t seem to know what to do, maybe given that Clary was barely five feet tall. They hesitated in hilarious fashion while their friend writhed in agony on the stone floor.

‘Watch your mouth, next time,’ she warned, daring the others around her to do something. When no one moved, she wrapped her arm around Izzy once again and led her away. Alec and I following in relatively stunned silence. He gave me a respectful, normal amount of distance and didn’t try to brush his hand against mine the way the _other_ Alec would have.

My mind was reaching full capacity. This whole day had been nothing but endless stress and I barely knew where to begin to unpack it all.

_Why not dump it on top of all that other shit you haven_ _’t unpacked either?_

Most prominent in my thoughts, the knowledge that the drug was no longer in my system. I had no real way of verifying it, but I just _knew_ Alec had bargained his memories away to rid me of it. How else was there no trace of that shit inside me? Plus, it was apparently absent from Alec too, along with his memories.

It was hard to swallow. To give up those memories…every moment of his consciousness in that form. He’d given _himself_ away, let himself be killed in a sense. I grieved for him. 

That Alec was gone. The Alec I slept with, confessed how deeply I was in love with…he was dead. The man who felt what had happened to me, who felt it _for_ me. The man who promised to take me away, who would love me in spite of my flaws, who was in love with me, who knew who to take care of me in my broken state.

Gone.

* * *

‘There’s been a development,’ were the first words that greeted us when we got back.

Alec lifted his eyes to the heavens. ‘Hasn’t there always? Report.’

The woman, Ellie, handed Alec a thin folder. ‘Rumours from the streets of a rival drug gang attacking the unknown supplier of DOM.’

‘Oh?’ Alec, flipped through the pages intently, a frown in place. ‘Anything more substantial?’

‘A possible sighting near some warehouses downtown. The details are all there.’

‘Good,’ he said, handing the folder to Izzy. ‘Isabelle and Clary can take this one.’

It was solid, decisive move and it meant giving us all the control over the narrative over how or if we discovered Nick Sang’s remains.

I was slightly bowled over by how well he seemed to be taking everything, considering what he just went through was his own personal hell.

‘Of course,’ Izzy said displaying her stunning capability in maintaining the best poker face of all time. ‘We’ll check in with you after an hour.’

Before we got any closer to residential quarters, Henson approached Alec. I couldn’t quite believe his audacity, but Alec didn’t seem so bothered.

‘Look,’ Henson said hesitantly to Alec. ‘I want to say how much I appreciate what you said back there. I… I didn’t deserve it at all.’

I sneered. ‘No, you really didn’t.’

He wavered, sensing my deep well of rage, but Alec smoothed things over.

‘You made a mistake,’ he said. ‘Everyone deserves a second chance, right?’

Henson almost flinched at the kindness Alec was showing you, maybe because it was so unexpected. ‘I’m sorry for what I did.’

‘We know that.’

I cocked an eyebrow. ‘We do?’

Alec shot me a quelling glance. ‘Yes, we do. Anyway, I’m going off duty for a few hours. Greg, are you OK to take the helm?’

Henson blinked. ‘Eh?’

‘Take over for a while?’

The older man looked at us both as though he hadn’t quite understood, but when we had nothing to add, he straightened. ‘Oh, yeah. Of-of course!’

‘Great.’

We left Henson to it. ‘Well there’s a boatload of undeserved forgiveness,’ I bemoaned. ‘What the fuck, Alec? That prick tried to destroy us!’

‘But he didn’t. I don’t know about you; I’d rather have someone who owes us a favour than a new enemy.’

I was too tired to care about Henson anymore. Having the Clave off our backs, at least for a while, was almost reward enough for enduring that life span shortening bullshit.

‘Can we talk?’ Alec asked as he headed to his room.

I glanced at his door. I hadn’t been in there for over a week.

‘Uh, I kinda wanted to grab something to eat?’

He frowned, tilting his head. ‘Yeah, you look really thin actually.’

‘Side effect of Izzy’s cooking,’ I joked, putting distance between us. ‘I’ll catch up with you later.’

‘Jace,’ he said and his tone stopped me in my tracks. ‘Please. I need to talk to you.’

Fucking _fucking_ fuck.

‘Um, yeah. OK, sure.’

He went into his bedroom, certain I would follow and after taking a deep breath, I did just that. The familiar scent of the place I used to sleep in more than my own room hit me with a tidal wave of nostalgia and now tainted memories. Once the door was closed, he turned to face me. He was taut and on edge. I didn’t blame him.

‘What the fuck happened today?’

‘Henson was trying to screw us over.’

‘No, I mean, what has _happened?_ _’_

I sighed, wondering how many times we would have to ask that in our lives.

‘You heard Magnus,’ I said, looking around so I didn’t have to focus on him too much. ‘Your memory is gone.’

‘I gathered.’ He sat down on the bed where I’d taken his virginity. ‘So, tell me what’s happened that I can’t remember?’

I felt sick. ‘Look, we should have Izzy here for this, OK? She’s an equal part of—’

‘Did I do something to you?’ he asked, voice trembling with the effort of control.

Sickness gave way to something cold. ‘What?’

‘I remember the argument now,’ he admitted. ‘Something took control of me, but I don’t remember what it was or what happened specifically. Was I… something else?’

‘You were still Alec,’ I said, trying not to think about the _other_ too much. ‘Just different.’

‘How?’ he asked quickly. ‘How was I different?’

I was too fucking tired for this shit. ‘The drug was designed to bring out the dormant side of your personality. You were still you, just acting how you normally wouldn’t act.’

‘Like what?’

I sighed. ‘Like, you were kind of rude to Maryse.’

His eyes widened. ‘I was?’

‘Yeah. You were just more driven and a little ruthless.’

‘Did I hurt anyone?’ he asked with stoic wretchedness. ‘Tell me I didn’t hurt anyone.’

‘You didn’t. Feelings were bruised here and there.’

He took that in, staring at me. ‘Jace, I can feel you’re in a lot of pain.’

I looked down quickly, like that would somehow cut the bond between us. ‘I’m fine.’

_Fine. Fine. Totally fine. Feel it so he can stop asking._

‘I need to know; did I cause it?’

I chuckled tiredly, a miserable sound. ‘No.’

But it wasn’t enough. Alec was smart. ‘What happened, then?’

‘Nothing happened.’

‘My dormant side, or _whatever_ it was, had control of me for weeks, Jace. Are you seriously telling me nothing happened?’

_Tell him. Go on, tell him how you took advantage of him right there on that bed. How you were too weak to do anything but give in. How he won_ _’t even remember his first time because you were so pathetic!_

The thoughts came unbidden, like they always did. But for the first time in years, I formed a thin barrier of inner strength and said _no_ to the destruction that sought to ruin me from within.

‘Lots happened,’ I said. ‘And it was a stressful time, but everything is OK now. Mostly we dealt with the fallout from Sebastian’s betrayal.’

Our bond was not as insanely strong, verging on full blown telepathy, as it had been before. It was the normal bond once again, Parabatai and close friends. That being said, he knew I was lying.

‘I hurt you,’ he declared after a painful moment of deliberation. ‘Didn’t I?’

If I said no, he would ask who did and I couldn’t tolerate it. No newfound strength could withstand explaining that.

‘I hurt you too,’ I settled for in the end. ‘We hurt each other.’

Jaw clenched, he stared unseeingly at his chest of drawers. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said tightly and when he blinked, a tear rolled down his face, though he swept it away quickly. ‘Hurting you is the worst thing I can imagine.’

I tried to force a laugh. ‘Worse than today?’

‘Worse than today,’ he confirmed. ‘I understand why you didn’t want to come in here, now.’

‘Oh,’ I said, confused. ‘What?’

‘You didn’t want to come in here with me,’ he pointed out, maintaining his unblinking staring contest with the inanimate object. ‘I’m sorry I pushed you.’

‘No, it’s fine,’ I tried to say. ‘I really _was_ hungry.’

‘It’s fine. You uh, you don’t have to lie.’ He finally broke his stare and glanced at me very quickly, a kind of shuttered expression in his beautiful, sad eyes. ‘What I said today, on trial—’

‘Alec, no, it’s all fine, I promise!’

‘What I said was true, but I need you to know that I am well aware nothing could ever happen. I don’t even want that,’ he said. ‘Knowing that I’ve hurt you, albeit inadvertently, is the worst feeling in the world and made all the worse by the fact I know you won’t tell me specifics.’ Alec closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Will you at least tell me what happened while I was away, the things about Sebastian and Sang? I can ask Izzy if it’s a problem.’

I told him about the drug having been in my system for years, about Sebastian, about Izzy’s kidnap, everything except the things I couldn’t bring myself to say.

He took it hard, that so much had happened and he hadn’t been here to help. I wanted to tell him that he _had_ been here, that he had helped albeit it in a different kind of way, but he wasn’t ready for that kind of reassurance. He seemed to have designated his alter ego as a villain, blaming this _other_ for his absence with intense suspicion and hostility.

‘And I don’t remember it because…?’

‘Because you… _he_ … bargained the memories away to uh, save me. Or so we think.’

‘Why would he do that?’

‘Because he cared about me,’ I said, throat working.

Alec didn’t seem to buy that. ‘Maybe he had an ulterior motive or something.’

I bristled, almost wanting to defend the other. ‘I don’t think he did and even so, he gave away his memories of his entire time in control. He killed himself, you understand? He’s gone now.’

‘Good,’ Alec said decisively. ‘I’m glad he’s gone; he did enough damage.’ Before I could respond, he took a deep breath and added. ‘There’s still one other thing I don’t understand. Why did Henson think we… you know?’

It wasn’t hard to feign ignorance, given how tired I was. ‘Huh?’

‘What he said in court,’ Alec went on a little awkwardly. ‘About hearing us. About… that stuff he accused us of doing and _saying?_ _’_

My cheeks flooded with treacherous red, though I remained otherwise calm.

‘Fuck knows what that pervert dreamed up while listening to me,’ I said in an offhand way.

His eyes slipped to mine. ‘Listening to you?’

I shrugged. ‘I brought that guy, Aiden, over for the night. Henson must have heard it and jumped to conclusions. Fucking asshole was probably listening against the wall with a glass.’

It was a good lie. _Other_ Alec would have been proud. Just real enough to hurt him and make him think twice about enquiring more.

‘I see,’ he said softly. Job done. Lying to him felt so wrong, but it was for the best. He had to be protected. ‘So, it was all lies then?’

‘Yeah,’ I said, my stomach clenching. ‘Yeah, of course.’

‘All right. I need to go check in with Izzy and Clary. You take the rest of the day off, OK? Looks like you could use a breather.’

‘Alec,’ I said, putting myself between him and the door. ‘Wait. Listen, I don’t care what you said about your feelings for me or whatever. No, listen! I love you so much it doesn’t even register with me sometimes. If that soul sword was in my hand, I’d… I’d probably say the same thing.’

It wasn’t the right approach. His expression closed off even more, shame and humiliation flooding his consciousness as he thought of that monstrous object pulling the truth from him without his consent.

‘That’s kind of you to say.’

‘It’s not me being kind,’ I insisted. ‘I… I love you so much.’

‘Jace, please stop. You don’t have to—’

‘No,’ I insisted. ‘I love you, Alec. I love you more than anything.’

 _Say it, you fucking coward._ In _love with you. **I**_ ** _’m in love with you!_**

He gave me an attempt at a normal smile, fractured around the edges. ‘I know. I love you too. We’re Parabatai.’

_Say it say it SAY IT!_

‘Yeah. We are.’

He nodded and moved past me. ‘Eat something, will you? You look like a ghost.’

* * *

_‘Forgive me, Alec.’_

_The water spilled, soaking the carpet and I felt it as I moved forward on my knees, desperate to be closer to him as we kissed. It was aggressive; the force of my desire to literally_ bond _myself to him was too much to contain. Our tongues tangled, growing frantic as I panted and squirmed with arousal that bordered on dangerous. I couldn_ _’t keep my hands from caressing him, pulling him closer, keeping him right there, kissing me._

_He was not my Alec. Some rational part of me knew that and was attempting to bring me to my senses by repeating it._

_He wasn_ _’t the Alec I’d known, but…did this mean he wasn’t_ my _Alec?_

_‘I am yours,’ he ground out, the sound tightened by the unbearable lust flooding his body and mine in turn._

_‘Did you just—?’_

_‘Shut up.’_

_He kissed me so hard it hurt, made me breathless enough that I could have blacked out with bliss and violent emotion. Oh, but he knew what he was doing as well. For someone who_ _’d had sex precisely once, he was a quick learner._

_‘I know what you like,’ he muttered, hands divesting me of clothes so quickly and deftly, I’d barely noticed it._

_His answer to a question I hadn_ _’t posed brought me up short. I moved back, hand on his chest._

_‘You’re reading my mind.’_

_‘We’re too close for me not to,’ he gasped, breathing laboured. ‘I can hear everything, feel everything. I’m inside you now, forever. You’re inside me. Always.’_

_‘But—’_

_He silenced me with his mouth; wet, swollen lips from our fierce kisses. His hands moved over my skin. My shoulders, my collarbone, down my chest. His movements took on a reverent touch though he still kissed me deep enough to make me dizzy._

_It was wrong. The whole thing was wrong, I knew that. He was affected by the drug, not himself. I was taking advantage, knowingly this time. It was almost, fucking_ almost _, like cheating on the real Alec._

_But he loved me and he was right there. When would I ever have this again?_

_I was weak. When it came to that tall, blue eyed boy, I_ _’d always been weak._

_Giving in felt so good, I could have cried. Any resistance I had left came crashing down spectacularly. I pushed him down on the damp floor so I was laying on top of him. He took my weight easily, hands rubbing up and down my thighs._

_‘So beautiful,’ he purred, eyes dark and flooded with desire. ‘Look at you.’_

_I crushed my mouth to his, grinding my ass over his cock where it was trapped beneath his jeans. He let out a stuttered groan, back arching off the ground. I revelled in the power of making him lose control like that. I repeated the motion shamelessly rutting against him, driving him wild and riding the high of seeing his eyes roll back._

_His hands fumbled between our bodies, searching for the focal point of release. His fingers pulled at my belt, clumsy and desperate._

_‘You drive me crazy,’ he croaked. ‘Do you know that?’_

_‘Show me.’_

_He yanked my belt out in one movement, tossing it aside. He sat up enough to find my mouth and plant a deep, possessive kiss there. Then he broke it and pressed his forehead to mine, eyes closed._

_It was like he_ _’d been holding everything back and then he just_ let go _._

_A flood of emotion hit me, exploding inside me and showing me everything he felt for me. Every piece of torturous desire, longing adoration, devotion, love, respect, envy, jealousy_ _… all of it. I couldn’t catch my breath; my whole body was alight with the intensity of whatever the fuck we were sharing._

_The feelings rocked over me like an orgasm, devastating my body and blissing out my mind. All the while, my heart sang. Jaw slackened, eyes screwed tight shut, I clung to him as he allowed us to truly be one. I realised that he had been holding the divide between us the whole time since we_ _’d first had sex. This was how it was between Parabatai, at least when connected in such a way. This was the magic. This was why it was forbidden._

_‘I am you,’ he breathed, trembling. ‘And you are me.’_

_‘I see it,’ I managed to say. ‘I… I can feel it, fuck! I can feel it all!’_

_He broke the contact and I was left wrecked and ruined. My head fell back, breaths coming long and shuddering. He pressed his open mouth to my neck, tongue and teeth dragging torturously over my hot skin._

_‘I love you,’ I told him. I leaned back and made him look at me. There was such sudden_ vulnerability _in his beautiful eyes. He wondered who it was I loved. Did I love_ my _Alec, stoic and self-sacrificing? Or did I love him, this strange, rarely seen side to my Parabatai?_ _‘I love you,’ I repeated with emphasis on the last word and I meant it. It would have been impossible not to, after experiencing everything he felt for me._

 _He let out a broken sob, head dropping lightly against me. Connected as we were, I felt his sense of validation and acceptance, something he so desperately wanted, but more than that, for the first time, he_ believed _that I loved him that way. He had never, including the first time, truly believed it until that moment. How could not know? How could he have truly gone so long not knowing my feelings for him?_

_I wrapped my arms around him and held him, our bodies, minds and shared soul impossibly connected._

_‘I love you,’ I repeated, lips pressed into his hairline. ‘There is no part of me that does not love_ every _part of you… Alec._ _’_

 _When we kissed again, it solidified everything we_ _’d felt. I was so in love with him then, I could have said crazy things. Asked him to marry me, run away with me, start a family. Be with me always,_ always _. He kept my mouth busy as we removed the last offending clothes keeping our skin from fully connecting, but I knew he could feel it. He felt it too. Tomorrow did not exist._

*

_A/N - I'm so glad that didn't take so long to get up, plus it was still really long. So hoping you enjoyed and thank you all for your amazing comments and kindness. I can't actually say how much it means to me and how much faster it makes me write, but both are true._

_I promise happy endings are on the horizon, guys. Stay with me._

_xxx_


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Playing Favourites Since Day One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy struggles to help her brothers while their Mom meddles.  
> Warnings for a bit of a dark ending here (nothing involving poor Jace and Alec, though!)

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

**\- Playing Favourites Since Day One -**

_‘Oh my God, I see how everything is torn in the river deep,_

_And I don_ _’t know why I go the way down by the riverside._

_When that old river runs past your eyes,_

_To wash off the dirt on the riverside._

_Go to the water so very near,_

_The river will be your eyes and ears._

_I walk to the borders on my own,_

_Fall in the water just like a stone,_

_Chilled to the marrow in them bones,_

_Why do I go here all alone?_ _’_

_-Agnes Obel_

**Isabelle**

The blade sliced through the demon and it let out a fractured howl, clawing for me and missing by inches. I ducked swiftly, rolling out of reach and using the momentum to plunge my weapon deep in the stomach of the one Clary was fighting off.

Of the four lower demons who attacked us, two were now dead and the other two furiously lashed out, determined not to follow their fallen comrades.

Fighting something felt _good._ Solid, real enemies I could hit and cut down. It felt like screaming, letting the frustration and anger pour out of me until I was empty and shaking, except with more blood and stabbing.

The demons scrabbled closer to each other, forming a frontal attack. Clary and I mirrored the action and together, we ran at them. A flurry of claws and blades, pain and adrenaline and then… stillness.

‘Fuck,’ Clary gasped. ‘I’m out of shape.’

I grinned crookedly at her. ‘You did good.’

She shook her head. ‘My lungs are burning. Where did they spring from? I haven’t seen demons in months!’

‘Yeah,’ I said, kicking the slimy body drenched in ichor. ‘Guess they’re back.’

‘Because of Nick being dead, you think?’

‘Has to be. They were no-shows for so long. Now he’s out of commission, I guess they don’t have to worry about being infected by the drug.’

Clary sighed, giving me her full attention. ‘You OK?’

I couldn’t pull my gaze from the corpse. ‘After cutting Sang into a dozen pieces and scattering them in a landfill?’

‘Well, that too, but also your neck.’

I hadn’t noticed there was a pretty nasty gash across my collarbone. ‘Nothing a healing rune won’t fix. See? Fine.’

With a dry laugh, Clary said, _‘Fine_ like and Jace and Alec are fine?’

‘Fine, Izzy style,’ I said, having applied fresh healing runes and dropping her a reassuring wink. ‘As in actually fine. Not great, but fine.’

‘Hey,’ Clary said. ‘You _are_ great.’

I looked down at the bodies. ‘Not today.’

Clary looked around ‘You wanna get something to eat?’

I shrugged.

‘Yeah, let’s go get something,’ she said as though I had agreed. ‘C’mon, I’m starving. They’ll… dissolve, right?’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘They’ll be goo in an hour or so.’

‘Great. I want sushi.’

‘You’re high maintenance.’

* * *

The sushi place was expensive, but I didn’t care and Clary definitely didn’t. It was a tiny little shop with cushy booths inside and the pleasant smell of sticky rice.

Clary shrugged off her jacket. ‘I want, like, a million things.’

I picked up a menu and glanced at it. ‘Eh, it looks weird.’

‘Sushi isn’t weird, it’s _amazing._ What do you want? My treat.’

‘What’s a small, plain dish?’ I asked, stomach clenching and tightening. ‘I’m not that hungry.’

‘Well, I’m gonna order at least ten things, so why don’t you just share with me?’

She said it really casually, but it was a calculated move. Clary knew me, she knew I hated the pressure of eating food set in front of me if I was under stress.

‘Yeah, sure,’ I relented, grateful for her in every way.

A waitress came over and Clary, true to her word, ordered so much sushi I didn’t see how it would all fit on the table. The young girl also gave Clary and I long, worried looks, lingering on our torn clothes and slightly bloodied appearance.

‘Do you girls need me to call the cops or…something?’

‘We’re fine,’ I told her. ‘Too much rolling around in the park.’

‘Yeah, be more careful next time, babe,’ Clary said seriously. ‘Forgetting the safe word is no joke.’

The waitress didn’t seem entirely appeased, but she left to the put our order in anyway, glancing back at us as she went.

‘That’s a lot of sushi you ordered.’

‘It comes in tiny little platters,’ Clary defended. ‘This place is great. My Mom used to bring me here when I was little, but I would only eat plain rice.’

I looked around. ‘The last time I ate in a restaurant was with Sebastian.’

‘Huh,’ she said, nodding. ‘I haven’t heard any more from him.’

‘You think you will?’

‘In time, yeah. I know he’s giving me space right now, that’s how he sees it.’

‘Must be weird,’ I said. ‘How do you feel about him now? I mean, he _did_ help us. He told us about Jace and even gift-wrapped Sang.’

Clary’s expression darkened a little. ‘I think _gift_ wrapped it exactly right. I can’t get over the fact that it was all for me. It creeps me out still.’

‘It’s a lot to process.’

‘Yeah,’ she said and now I knew she was going to swing the conversation back to me, more accurately to what was happening with Jace and Alec. ‘I think everyone is in crisis mode.’

‘I don’t even know most of what’s happening with Jace and Alec,’ I admitted thickly because Clary was someone I could be vulnerable with. ‘There’s stuff they don’t tell me, there has _always_ been stuff they don’t tell me, but this is different. Something is wrong with Jace.’

‘But I thought the drug was removed? Alec sold his memories to remove it, no?’

‘I don’t think it’s that.’ I shook myself, trying to focus my thoughts. ‘He’s like… pretending to be OK. I can see the effort that goes into it. I don’t know what happened with him and Alec the last few weeks, but it’s affected him that’s for sure.’

‘You asked him what it was?’

‘What’s the point? He’ll just lie.’

‘Maybe he won’t.’

I ran a hand through my hair, still spattered with ichor and leaves. ‘I think I’m scared to ask him.’

‘Maybe he needs you to ask. You gotta think that Alec, _this Alec,_ doesn’t know what’s been going on the last few weeks. Jace must feel so alone.’

I rubbed my eyes. ‘That’s true, I guess.’

‘I mean, at least all this is well timed, though,’ Clary pointed out bitterly, as the waitress brought over two trays of tiny round plates covered in sushi dishes. ‘Worked out well in Alicante at least. That fucker, Henson.’

The waitress seemed pretty nonchalant as she left, but Clary picked up her napkin and stared at it.

‘What?’ I asked.

Clary grinned and showed me. The waitress had written on the napkin, _If you need me to help, come to counter and complain about something._

 _‘_ She thinks _you_ _’re_ the one being abused?’

Clary sighed and dug into the food. ‘Guess I just exude innocence. Mmmm! Try this one.’

To please her, I stabbed at a tuna roll with my fork and popped it in my mouth. It was delicious and full of flavour. ‘That’s good.’

‘Right?’ she said, her eyes happy and glowing now that I’d eaten something. ‘So, have you seen Simon lately?’

‘Like, clapped eyes on him?’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘Not really. He’s called me a few times, but I’ve been really busy.’

Her expression softened. ‘You still not ready?’

I ate another roll, giving myself time to consider. ‘I just… look at Jace and Alec, you know? It’s so messy. It’s messy because they care. They care _way_ too much.’

‘Caring is good, babe.’

‘Caring is fine. Caring and _sex_ , I don’t know.’

‘Christ, you sound like Jace.’

‘Maybe he has a point.’

Clary sighed and looked down. ‘Izzy, I know you don’t really want to hear this, but have you thought about… whether or not you’ve been damaged as well?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘From Sang’s? I mean, you didn’t drink there as much as Jace, but you went there way more than Alec.’

My stomach twisted and the small amount of food inside it made me feel sick. ‘I’m OK,’ I said, reaching for a glass of table water.

‘Are you? Did anyone else even ask?’

I swallowed. ‘They’ve got their own stuff going on.’

Clary was insistent. ‘So have you.’

‘Not really on the same level, though, is it?’

‘Fuck, Izzy! That doesn’t mean your life isn’t important, all right? I’m always here.’

My nose stung with unexpected tears which I kept at bay, but only just. ‘I know, but you’ve been through so much with Sebastian and everything.’

‘No,’ she said sharply. ‘Don’t do that, don’t make excuses. You’re important to me and I need you to let me help when it’s necessary.’

I managed another piece of sushi and smiled weakly at her. ‘I’ll try.’

She reached across the table and took my hand in hers, not for any purpose but to simply hold me while we ate in companionable silence.

* * *

‘Mom,’ I groaned down the phone, looking up at the ceiling hoping it would give me some fucking strength. ‘No.

_‘A party is what everyone needs. A little fun to lighten everyone’s spirits!’_

‘First off, you hate fun.’

_‘I do not hate fun, Isabelle.’_

_‘_ Secondly, you don’t even know Simon.’

_‘What better way to get to know him by throwing him a party?’_

I pinched the bridge of my nose in an attempt to fend off a growing headache. ‘ _Mom_ ,’ I said. ‘No one wants a party right now.’

 _‘We could make it a joint party for Simon and Alec! We never got to throw one for him and it_ was _his twenty-first.’_

‘Is this to get back at Dad?’

Haughtily, my Mom scoffed. _‘I couldn’t care less about your father. His behaviour in Alicante speaks for itself. Believing the worst right away.’_

‘Yeah, he’s a dick,’ I sighed, rummaging through my drawers for a bra. ‘No party, Mom. Now isn’t the right time.’

_‘Why not?’_

‘Because…’ I hesitated, thinking of the dozens of reasons, none of which I could tell her. ‘Because we’re too old for a party and even if we weren’t, maybe Simon doesn’t even want a party!’

_‘What about Max? He’s been asking me for weeks if we can throw a party, he feels so bad Alec didn’t get to have one.’_

‘Low blow, Mom,’ I sighed.

_‘It’ll be laid back and chilled.’_

‘Please don’t use those words, I just had an aneurysm.’

_‘Is that a yes?’_

‘No!’

_‘Perfect, why don’t we have it in your new apartment?’_

‘No, _no_ , that’s not a good idea.’

 _‘Oh, all right,’_ she said, sounding rather put out. _‘I’ll sort it all out. When is his actual birthday again?’_

I gave up. ‘The seventeenth.’

_‘Let’s do it this Saturday, sound good?’_

‘Barring vicious demon attacks, I guess so.’

_‘Lovely. I can’t wait to see you all! I’ll text you with details once it’s arranged. Love you, Isabelle!’_

‘You too, Mom,’ I said wearily and hung up, dropping the phone on my bed. I finished dressing and applying a little makeup. Today was going to be difficult, I felt an uneasy sense of dread at the thought of trying to reconnect with Jace and Alec, mostly Jace. The day hadn’t exactly gotten off to the best start, either. Fucking Mom and her bullshit.

Deep beneath the shaky veneer of _everything was fine_ I knew there was something seriously bad lurking. It was time to delve deep and see what mess they’d gotten themselves into.

My phone went off again and I almost ignored it, sure it was Mom calling back to ask about fucking balloons or Angel knew what, but a glance at the screen showed it was Simon.

After a brief moment of indecision, I answered it.

‘Hey,’ I said, sitting down.

 _‘You answered!’_ he said. ‘ _I mean, sorry - I didn_ _’t expect you to actually answer.’_

I laughed. ‘So why did you call?’

‘ _Urgh, that was a bad start. Do-over coming up. Hey, Isabelle, it_ _’s Simon. How are you?’_

 _‘_ I’m good, Simon,’ I said, playing along. ‘How are you?’

_‘Well, Izzy, I’ll tell you. I miss you a lot and I feel like I’ve been sort of frozen out which is fine and all but you left a gaping hole in my chest and most days I stare at my phone hoping to see a snarky text or something.’_

‘Well, that was…’

 _‘Honest_.’

‘Yeah, honest is good.’

He chuckled. ‘ _You don_ _’t think that.’_

‘Sometimes I do.’

_‘Rarely, if ever. So, I ask again - how are you?’_

‘I’m…’ I trailed off, wondering how to even begin with an _honest_ answer. ‘Maybe tonight we could go out somewhere and I’ll tell you.’

 _‘Really_?’

‘Sure.’

_‘Like…a date?’_

I rolled my eyes. ‘I suppose you could call it that.’

 _‘OK_ ,’ he said, sounding extremely pleased. ‘ _Where do you wanna go?_ _’_

‘Not a restaurant,’ I warned.

_‘No, I knew that already, I meant is there something specific I should book? Have you ever been rock climbing?’_

‘What? No, I h--’

 _‘No, wait!_ ’ he said excitedly. _‘I got it! OK, I’ll text you shrouded details unless you want me to send an Uber?’_

‘I’ll meet you there, let me know the time.’

 _‘Can’t wait,’_ he said.

‘Yeah, me too.’

 _‘See, that was honest,’_ he pointed out. _‘I can always tell with you.’_

‘Later, dork.’

He hung up first and I couldn’t help but smile. This was good. I could warn him about the monstrously awkward party about to be thrown for him against his will and maybe talk about the other heavy shit going on around here.

Feeling a little stronger, I left to go in search of the boys.

* * *

Jace was doing laundry, something he did a lot of lately. The room was noisy and warm, lots of moving machines and a strong smell of detergent and steam. I knocked loudly before entering, but he still jumped when I spoke.

‘Hey,’ I called over the din of the machines.

‘Oh hey,’ he said, almost covering his tracks, but not quite. ‘You OK?’

‘Yeah,’ I said, letting the door shut behind me. ‘More laundry, huh?’

He shot me a brief smile. ‘It’s actually soothing, like a zen exercise.’

‘Not a hiding away from Alec exercise?’

His hands faltered on the sweater he was folding. ‘He knows where I am.’

‘Jace,’ I said gently. ‘So much has happened lately and I know you’re struggling. Alec might be being a huge dumb-ass, but I’m always here for you.’

‘I know you are,’ he said perfunctorily with a tired smile. ‘I just…’

‘Yeah?’

‘Never mind,’ he said, shaking it away. ‘How are you?’

‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘We haven’t talked properly in weeks, Jace. I’m so worried.’

He laughed, but there was a hint of nervousness to it. ‘Why?’

‘You’ve folded that shirt five times,’ I pointed out. ‘Something isn’t right.’

He glanced down at the garment and blinked forcibly. ‘I’m just tired.’

‘Do you feel different? Without that stuff in your system?’

‘I do,’ he admitted carefully. ‘I do, but it’s not quite registering. If circumstances were different… maybe I’d feel it more.’

‘What do you mean?’

Quietly, he said, ‘It’s probably the only reason I’m alive.’

That shocked me. I didn’t even know what to say to him, how to demand that he explain himself. ‘Jace,’ I said, not knowing how to follow up with the questions I needed answered.

‘So much has happened,’ he said, trembling hands starting to fold clothes again. ‘And you know what’s the weirdest part?’

‘You miss the other Alec.’

His eyes met mine fully. ‘Yes,’ he said and I saw the pain of his loss there for the first time. ‘I miss him so much and it’s fucking with my head because Alec is _here_! He’s here with us and it’s the real Alec! But I still miss that part of him, despite what he did.’

I looked down. ‘Can I ask why?’

‘He was… he understood me.’

‘And Alec doesn’t?’

‘Not every part of me.’

‘Which parts, Jace?’

The question seemed to cause him pain so I didn’t press. ‘I think I’m grieving,’ he said instead. ‘With the memories gone, it’s like that part of him died.’

‘Well, that’s completely natural to grieve over. He’s still in there, though. That part of Alec is always there, in the back of his mind. He’s not really dead, just not in control.’

He frowned, like that hadn’t occurred to him. ‘I guess.’

‘We never talked about you and Alec,’ I said. ‘Sleeping together.’

Jace looked so ashamed I almost wanted to cry. ‘Are you going to tell him?’

‘I don’t know,’ I confessed. ‘I know you don’t want to tell him and I understand that completely, but… Jace, he has a right to know.’

‘He’ll never forgive me, Izzy.’

‘It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t _know_ he wasn’t himself.’

‘I think maybe I did know,’ he said quietly, staring down at a shirt. ‘When I look back, I think I knew the whole time right up until the end. Something in me _recognised_ it, but I didn’t want to believe it, so I lied to myself. I’m good at that.’

‘You can’t know that.’

‘Izzy I…I slept with him again,’ he said, voice tight. ‘In the apartment when he was inside Magnus’s barrier. I went in there with him and we slept together.’

The urge to slap him came and went, hurried out of perspective by the sheer look of _desolation_ on his face. ‘Is that what’s upsetting you?’

He didn’t say anything for a long moment before closing his eyes. ‘Part of it, yes.’

This was it; we were nearing the thing that had been eating away at him. I knew I had to tread carefully. I wasn’t Alec - I would not be able to pull the truth from him if I mis-stepped.

‘What’s the other part?’

He waited so long before speaking again that I half expected the door to burst open or for us to be disturbed in some way. No one came, though and he didn’t seem to be able to verbalise it.

‘I…’ he said after a moment of strangled silence. ‘I _want_ to tell you.’

‘But you can’t?’

He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry.’

I hid my disappointment and touched his shoulder instead, gentle and non-committal. ‘It’s fine, don’t be sorry. Maybe we can talk later.’

‘Yeah,’ he said, looking away so I didn’t see his over bright eyes.

Unable to ignore it anymore, I said, ‘Maybe you could stop by for a haircut?’

Bemused, he ran a hand through his hair. ‘Haircut?’

‘It’s longer than it’s ever been,’ I said, smiling. ‘I mean, unless you’re growing it?’

Self-conscious, he said, ‘I didn’t notice.’

‘You normally get it cut like every three weeks, the sides at least.’

‘Yeah, I uh… haven’t been out a lot lately.’

‘So come to my room, I’ve got scissors and skills.’

He eyed me doubtfully, but agreed. ‘What could go wrong, eh?’

* * *

Alec, it turned out, was looking for me. He found me in the weapons room, examining blades carefully, inspecting those that required repairs or sharpening. He opened the door abruptly, entering in a way that made it clear he was in a bad mood.

‘Mom just called,’ he said, voice barely held together from how angry he was.

I gave him a sympathetic look of shared suffering. ‘At least she didn’t try and make it a surprise.’

‘You agreed to this?’

I scoffed. ‘Yeah, ‘because Mom is such a pushover. C’mon, Alec, you know how she is. She wouldn’t let it go. Poor Simon, he doesn’t know what he’s in for.’

Alec didn’t seem reassured. ‘She said it was a joint party for us both!’ he said, voice getting steadily higher.

‘I guess so,’ I sighed, putting down the blade. ‘But look, just let her do this and then we won’t have to see her for a while after. It’s all to get back at Dad, somehow.’

‘That was about 25% of the impression I got,’ Alec said. ‘But the other 75% seemed to be guilt and her wanting to meet Simon properly. She asked me if he was your boyfriend.’

‘Fucking hell in a hand-basket! How does she even find out these things?’

My brother’s expression blanked out in shock. ‘He is, then?’

Distracted, I hadn’t followed his line of thought. ‘Is what?’

‘Your boyfriend?’

‘What? No, well…. No.’

‘No?’

I slanted my head a shrugged. ‘Well.’

Alec raised his hands. ‘OK, I get it. Space given. We need to cancel the party, you realise that?’

‘How? She’s probably already invited everyone we’ve ever met!’

‘Izzy,’ he said, seriously. ‘The last thing anyone needs is a fucking party.’

‘You mean the last thing _Jace_ needs,’ I pointed out.

He seemed exasperated I wasn’t fully on board with destroying party plans.

‘I mean, it’s hardly top on my list of priorities either,’ he said.

‘Alec, have you spoken to Jace lately?’

He bristled, crossing his arms. ‘Of course, I have.’

‘And?’

‘And what?’

‘Do you know what’s happened to him?’

His blue eyes darkened. ‘I’m not certain.’

Despite how much I wanted to demand why he hadn’t _asked_ Jace outright, hadn’t done everything he could to get the truth from him, it wasn’t helpful. They were both fragile in their own ways.

‘OK,’ I said, pushing away from the workstation. ‘Well, I’m here if _anyone_ ever actually wants to talk to me voluntarily.’

* * *

The date with Simon turned out to be ice skating and it was an unmitigated disaster of the most wonderful proportions. He took me to a small outdoor rink decorated with lights and music. Simon, it turned out, had never actually been skating more than twice when his Mom took him as a kid. He couldn’t skate to save his life.

I, with my years of balance and training, managed to stay upright with relative ease and even skate a little when I wasn’t supporting Simon who seemed to have decided flailing and wind-milling his arms was the way to go. People laughed and some even stared, but I didn’t mind. Being with him was fun and freeing.

‘This is sexy,’ I said, patting his hand currently in a death-grip on my forearm as we inched forward on the slippery surface. ‘I’m so hot for you right now.’

Simon tried to laugh but almost lost his footing again. ‘Yeah, well I’m freezing my ass off!’

‘That’s ‘cause you fell, a lot.’

‘Oh, I give up!’ he wailed miserably. ‘This was not how I planned it at all!’

With care, I guided him to the edge of the rink, bypassing proficient skaters. He clung to the edge and caught his breath.

‘How did you plan it?’

‘If I’m being honest, I thought our positions might be somewhat reversed.’

I laughed. ‘That’s not likely.’

‘Yeah, I kinda forgot how absolutely fucking amazing you are at everything,’ he wheezed, but then he caught my gaze meaningfully. ‘For like ten seconds, anyway.’

A strange fluttering sensation blossomed throughout my body, emanating from my chest. A half smile curled without my permission.

‘You’re a vampire, Simon. Where’s your amazing abilities?’

He scoffed. ‘Apparently ice skating is like _garlic_ to my impressive vampire grace and cat-like agility.’

Carefully, we made it to the exit and walked on stable floor still wearing the bladed boots. I helped him to the nearest bench and he collapsed there in a huff. I unlaced my boots beside him, glancing at him now and then.

‘You wanna eat?’ he asked _super_ casually.

‘No,’ I said with a well-practised smile. ‘I ate earlier. Let’s go somewhere else.’

‘You sure?’ he asked, yanking off his boot. ‘Carrying me around like a princess didn’t give you an appetite?’

I winced a little at his clumsy attempt, made all the more obvious by Clary’s deft and confident ways of getting me to eat. He was trying, which meant a lot but the attention was verging on unbearable.

‘You don’t even eat,’ I pointed out, returning the skates and getting our shoes back. Simon’s ratty, worn All Stars and my knee-high leather boots which still had a little demon ichor from the other night. The guy who handed them over gave me a long up and down look, nodding to himself as though I’d ticked some kind of checklist. A sharp comment was ready and waiting on the tip of my tongue, something to jolt him out of his sense of entitlement in staring at me like a slab of meat, but it would escalate and I didn’t have the energy.

‘I could drink coffee while you ate,’ Simon suggested, but it was weak now, he was running out of attempts. Clary wouldn’t have taken no for an answer.

‘We can go get coffee later,’ I said and he shrugged, giving up.

‘OK, where to next?’

‘This was your date, Simon,’ I pointed out with a grin. ‘Did your plan end with me swooning over your skating skills?’

He rolled his eyes good naturedly. ‘It may have.’

‘Come on, then. My turn.’

* * *

Tuesday night was trivia night in the _Gaelicious Pub_ and I loved the atmosphere. It was rough and highly un-modern with bare brick walls and ridiculous Irish signs everywhere. The whole place was stuck perpetually in St Patrick’s Day, but they had great beer.

‘Did you bring me here to I could fight off a load of burly Irish guys who hit on you?’ Simon asked, looking around as he shrugged off his jacket and dropped it on the back of a wooden chair.

‘I did not,’ I explained. ‘I brought you here because it’s the weekly trivia contest.’

His eyes widened, looking at the bar where a huge sign announced that it was indeed Trivia Night.

Panicked, he said, ‘I suck at trivia.’

I laughed gently. ‘Me too, but I never play. We couldn’t even if we wanted, you need minimum four to a team and I usually come alone or with Clary.’

Sadness tinged his expression and I realised I’d just declared I was an enormous loser who never had enough people with her to take part in a fucking trivia night.

‘Oh,’ he said.

‘Yeah, but it’s really fun to watch and we can see how many questions we know.’

He smiled. ‘Like, do our own little trivia contest?’

‘A secret one,’ I said, helplessly smiling back because he hadn’t teased me, he’d understood.

‘OK,’ he said, nodding seriously. ‘This will require beer.’

* * *

Simon and I turned out to be pretty good at trivia when combining forces. He knew every single question about films or TV and I knew a lot of the history and science questions. We failed dismally at sport, but it was hard to care when we were having so much fun.

I didn’t drink enough to get drunk, a few beers and then onto water. I felt relaxed, just enough to let my guard drop a little. Simon embraced the trivia competition with gusto, getting a little competitive with the other teams despite the fact we weren’t allowed to play officially.

‘I’m telling you, we came second,’ he insisted to me as we left. ‘We need a team - we can _trounce_ those guys next time!’

‘Maybe,’ I said lightly, smiling as the fresh, icy air hit my face. It had been hot in there, though not unbearably so. ‘That was fun.’

‘Yeah, it was.’

He wrapped his arm around me. We walked along the streets together with no direction in mind, simply content to be together. I knew I had to get back soon, I’d been away a while already but his presence was soothing and I longed to be closer, to kiss and feel him undulate under my touch.

‘You have a good time?’ he asked, pressing a kiss to my hair as we reached the underground station.

‘Yeah, it was great,’ I said, leaning into him. He wasn’t warm, but he was solid and right there. He wasn’t looking around for anyone else or wishing I’d leave so he could talk in private. It felt nice to be _wanted_.

The thought prickled ice cold guilt right up the base of my spine. That was a shitty thing to think and neither Jace nor Alec deserved it. They’d been through so much.

‘Shall I insult you by offering to walk you home, Miss Lightwood?’

The returning smile was weak, I couldn’t fully laugh. ‘No,’ I told him. ‘But thanks. I actually have to tell you something.’

He braced himself for whatever I was about to lay on him. He hadn’t asked me if there was anything I wanted to discuss all night, presumably waiting for me to bring it up first. ‘OK, of course. You can tell me anything.’

I sighed heavily. ‘My Mom is throwing you a party.’

He didn’t react beyond saying, ‘Huh?’

‘My Mom,’ I repeated. ‘Has decided to throw you a birthday party. It’s for Alec too, apparently but… well, I think she wants to meet you properly now that she suspects.’

A smile coloured his eyes. ‘Suspects what?’

‘Suspects that I like you,’ I admitted with a grudging smile.

‘Oh, so you _admit_ you like me, huh?’

‘Obviously I like you, Simon. We just went on a date!’

His teasing expression softened. ‘But you’ve never said you like me before.’

I sobered. ‘I like you a lot,’ I told him. ‘I care about you more than I can really admit.’

Somehow, our bodies had drifted closer without me noticing. I looked up at him, just an inch taller than me. He was uncomplicated and solid, imperfect and un-swaying.

Fuck being a Lightwood. _Fuck_ this bullshit about sex and love not mixing.

I pressed my mouth to his, lips closed but insistent. I wanted to gauge his reaction first and when he kissed me back with a low moan, I took all that carefully crafted control and shoved it away as far as it would go.

* * *

‘You look cheerful,’ Jace commented as he came into my room later that night. It was quiet in the Institute, a big training session organised by Alec and Henson to get everyone up to speed on the latest slew of demon attacks. Part of Alec’s _Get Everyone Else More Involved_ plan, which was really fine by me. Others picking up some slack wasn’t a bad thing.

I shrugged, trying to temper my smile. ‘Am I?’

He stopped and squinted, grinning slyly. ‘Oh, I see,’ he said softly.

‘Fuck off,’ I said playfully.

He raided his hands, shaking his head. ‘Don’t shoot the observer.’

‘Sit down, idiot.’

He sat in my chair at my dresser. His hair was wet from a recent shower. He seemed to take a lot of showers these days. I couldn’t help but notice at the hem of his t-shirt his skin was red in patches, like he’d scrubbed too hard.

‘OK, now you want it like you had it before, yeah?’

He was quiet for a moment. ‘Actually, no.’

‘Oh, you want it a little longer?’

‘No, shorter. Make it shorter, if that’s cool? Not, like, join the Army short, but…’

‘Different,’ I filled in, studying the back of his head and the set of his whole body. My brother, the boy we grew up with who knew no fear beyond his own incapability. Something bad had happened to him. The knowledge sat in my mind, heavy and sick, worried to death of what he would reveal whenever he was ready.

‘You got it,’ I said lightly, grateful he couldn’t see the slight tremble of my fingers as I took out the clippers, sharp scissors and a comb.

I started by shaving the back, getting it even and the turned my attention to the wet strands of long hair, past his ears at this point. Jace’d had long hair for such a long time now, I had to stop and ask, ‘Are you sure?’ before I cut it away.

‘Yes,’ he said.

I began cutting and I felt almost sad, like I was cutting away a happier part of him. I shook myself and the stupid thoughts away, trying to make something resembling idle conversation with him.

‘Simon took me on a date,’ I told him, prattling so he wouldn’t have to. I ran my hands through his hair often, less to measure length and more as a comforting gesture. ‘It was a disaster. He took me ice skating and he couldn’t even stand up! I ended up having to hold him the entire time and I swear to the angel if vampires could blush—’

‘I was raped.’

I thought at first something had got stuck in my throat because the words literally caught and died there, my brain jarring and searching to see what had caused the collision. My heart had lurched as though falling through a floorboard.

My hand froze, hair literally mid-way in the blades of the scissors. I heard rain outside, heard it hitting the windows in would-be soothing patterns.

_What had he said?_

‘Please,’ he said. ‘Please don’t stop cutting my hair, OK?’

I blinked slowly, confused.

 _‘Please_?’

Because he’d begged, I had no choice but to comply. My focus was shot, but I carried on slowly. When I did, he spoke again.

‘I got drunk, went to Sang’s a week or so ago and these guys, three of them, attacked and raped me.’

It was strange, I thought maybe I was dreaming it. Like, the dream had been perfectly normal up until then and suddenly it had taken a weird left turn.

‘Alec, the _other_ Alec, he felt the whole thing but he couldn’t find me in time. He brought me home, cleaned me up and I haven’t spoken about it since then. I don’t… I really don’t remember it. He did, but now that’s gone.’

I tried to finish his hair but my whole body was shaking now. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling bile climb up my throat. I stopped abruptly and put my hand to my mouth, helpless tears forming. He didn’t turn around. I leaned against the strong wooden dresser, shaking the scissors off my other hand.

‘I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you,’ he said and I could hear he was crying. ‘I thought that if I pretended it never happened, I’d feel normal again but I have to tell you, Izzy. I have to tell someone. Alec…our Alec doesn’t know.’

‘Can I…?’ I croaked, clearing my throat. ‘Jace, please.’

He nodded jerkily and I moved around to his front, his face tear-stained and so _young,_ so fucking heartbroken it tore me up. I took him in my arms and held him so tight it must have hurt, but he hugged me just as hard. We clung to each other as I tried to contemplate how fucking much he had gone through this last month. To think the last few days he’d been enduring it _alone!_

I drew back, smoothing his hair away from his face, shorter and much more like Alec’s style. As I scrambled for normality, I brushed the hair I’d trimmed off his shoulders, while he stared at me.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I breathed shakily. ‘So sorry.’

He laughed sadly. ‘That’s what Alec kept saying.’

‘Can I do anything?’

‘I don’t even know,’ he said, clasping my hands and leaning his forehead to mine in a rare gesture of closeness. ‘I just can’t be alone in this anymore. I can’t. You see,’ he whispered. ‘I can’t tell Alec anything.’

‘Jace,’ I said, blinking fresh tears. ‘You _must_ tell Alec.’

But my brother just shook his head. ‘He’ll blame himself. He blamed himself before when he was cold and selfish, how will he cope now, knowing he wasn’t there to stop it?’

Carefully, I cupped his face. ‘You _have to_ tell him! He’ll feel it eventually and Jace, you can’t survive without your Parabatai. How much distance is necessary to keep this from him? How much more distance can you two even stand?’

‘To protect him from this? As much as possible.’

I wanted to point out that Alec would most certainly not see it as _protecting_ him, but I didn’t have the heart to argue. My heart was broken for him. I couldn’t even articulate my sorrow and grief for the loss he’d suffered.

The thing Alec and I had always tried too hard to hide from him, his last piece of childlike belief that people were not _capable_ of hurting him…

That was gone forever.

I couldn’t help it, I pulled him back to me and held him so close, crying quietly.

* * *

The drink was easy to toss back. Years of practise.

Nick Sang’s death and dismemberment had not impeded his nightclub business in any way, except that security was a little more lax in his absence. Sang’s was packed, never mind that it was a Thursday.

I was alone, stood by the bar.

‘Another,’ I said with a smile to the bartender.

‘You sure?’ he said with an easy grin. ‘Lotta people complaining the booze don’t taste the same.’

‘Make it double then and one for yourself,’ I said, slurring for effect.

After a few minutes of drinking alone surrounded by the magnificent din of Mundanes and their music, I saw who I’d been waiting for.

I tipped back the last of my drink and headed over to him. 

‘Adam?’ I squealed, hands reaching for him as I smiled. He looked round and couldn’t help but smile in return, especially since the last time we’d spoken had resulted in me insulting his lineage and elbowing him in the face.

‘Izzy!’ he cried, and greeted me like we were best friends. We hugged and I felt how damp with sweat he was. Up close, he looked like _shit_. Eyes red and bloodshot, skin blotchy and he absolutely reeked. ‘Your uh, your brothers here?’

‘Just me!’ I said, throwing my arms wide. ‘I’m so _bored_! Let’s go outside, c’mon, I’ve got the _best shit_ in my purse!’

He followed me without question, leaving the two others he came with. On the benches outside, I sat while he covered me as I raked around in my handbag.

‘That stuff, y’know from Central Park?’ I declared, holding up the bag. His eyes widened.

‘Fuck, really? No one can get hold of it anymore!’

‘You want it?’ I asked, dangling it. When he reached for it, I held it back. ‘Answer my questions and I’ll give it to you.’

Adam seemed torn. Now that he realised there was a condition involved it was clear he wanted to leave, but the bag was too tempting.

‘OK,’ he said, eyes locked on the bag.

‘Do you know who hurt Jace?’

‘Someone hurt Jace?’ he echoed too innocently.

‘I swear I’ll scatter this shit on the pavement, you lying little prick!’

His expression soured. ‘Fucking bitch!’

‘Answer me!’

‘Yeah, I fucking know, everyone knows! Jace, man – he had that coming. Years he’s been slutting himself around and it finally caught up with him!’

I kept myself from cutting his tongue out and asked, quite calmly, ‘Who hurt him?’

Unable to look away from the thing he wanted most, Adam gritted his teeth and said, ‘Dan Ashton and his friends. I don’t know their names!’

‘How many friends?’

‘Two! I think one's a cop! C’mon, hand it over, you bitch!’

‘One more question,’ I said, holding the bag out of his reach a little more. ‘Did Dan and his friends drink in here a lot?’

He scowled impatiently. ‘What? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?’

‘Were they regulars here?’ I demanded.

‘No! Once or twice at most, OK?’

Satisfied, I threw the bag down and he dropped to his knees, frantically feeling for it in the dim light. I left without another word, pulling my phone from my pocket and Googling.

It didn’t take long at all. Social media led me right to him and his friends, Mike Haynes and Scott Wells. Scott was indeed a recently graduated Cop, engaged to be married in the spring.

The bar they frequented was nearby and by the time I got there, their last night on earth was in full swing. I had a few drinks, carefully scoping out the room. All three of them were together, but not alone. Some of Scott’s new Cop buddies had come along. Dan was much taller than the others, laughing magnanimously as he bought rounds of drinks for everyone in their group. He wasn’t with a significant other and neither were the other two.

It wouldn’t be the way I wanted it to go. Not slow or torturous.

Needs must, though.

Poison was far too good for them. I didn’t want to put it in their drinks, lest the bar get the blame. But they were sharing a nice bag of cocaine, discreetly passing it to each other when one went to the bathroom. Perfect. 

In the ladies’ room, I deactivated my rune so I was invisible to the Mundanes and carefully waited inside the men’s room. Dan came in next, heading into the stall and sniffing loudly. The other men in the room didn’t notice or care. He came out of the stall and took a piss. Carefully, I stood behind him and slid the bag out, opened it and poured the powdered poison inside, then closed and returned it.

He frowned, turning, but he assumed someone had brushed up against him. I waited until he left to follow, staying invisible and watching all three of them closely.

The next time one of them took the bag to the bathroom and returned, he looked worse for wear and something vicious and dark rejoiced inside me. He handed the bag discreetly to his friend, rubbing his nose and scowling.

After an hour, the three of them weren’t looking so hot. They began to make excuses to leave and my heart sped up, grimly excited.

Outside the bar, they immediately began arguing. Who had got the bad batch? Who had cut it and taken some?

I followed close behind, stealthy and silent. The argument turned heated, falling back on testosterone and stupidity. They were starting to feel something was wrong. I waited until they were in a dark place, no CCTV of any kind able to detect them. I swiftly came up behind Dan and precisely pinched a nerve in his neck, making him drop like a ragdoll. He cried out, falling hard and awkward, skinning his elbow. When he was down, I pressed my index finger into a certain place a third of the way down his spine and rendered him temporarily unable to move.

The other two were slow and sluggish in their attempt to respond. Scott thought Mike had knocked Dan down. I used their distraction to do the same thing to Scott and while Mike desperately tried to pull his friends up, I did the same to him.

Three grown men. Powerful predators of the night no more.

Base panic set in and they began screaming. I made myself visible, shocking them into a momentarily stunned silence.

‘Shut the fuck up,’ I said, lip curled with disgust. ‘Anyone makes a sound I’ll cut you into pieces, and believe me I know how.’

‘Who the fuck are you?’ Scott demanded with the kind of authority meant to frighten me into answering. ‘What did you do to us?’

‘Temporary paralysis,’ I told him, toeing his useless legs. ‘It only last twenty minutes or so. You won’t make it to then, though.’

Dan struggled to move, trying to rock himself back and forth. ‘Fucking whore!’ he snarled. 

‘You’ll be dead in less than five minutes,’ I said, watching each of their faces. Disbelief, anger, fury, frustration, horror.

‘Lying little slut!’ he spat.

‘I dosed your coke. Put something inside it that’s already killed you, it just takes your body time to realise it. Won’t look like anything but a bad batch, cardiac arrest. So much better than anything you deserve.’

Mike spat at me, but it didn’t reach.

‘We don’t even know you!’ Scott grunted and I pulled out my seraph blade, silencing him effectively.

‘I’m not surprised you’re not afraid to walk down dark alleys,’ I commented. ‘Because you’re the monsters, aren’t you? This is where you _hunt_.’ I crouched low in front of Dan; eyes locked into his. ‘Well, I hunt monsters. You’re just lucky your world has laws otherwise I’d spend hours taking you apart until you were nothing but a hunk of meat surrounding lungs and heart with a sobbing head on top.’

‘Fuck you,’ he breathed, but there was fear in his eyes now. ‘Who the hell are you?’

‘I’m Jace’s sister,’ I whispered and the fear _bloomed_. He swallowed, pulse quickening as the drug began to hit his heart. ‘You’re gonna die for what you did to him. You’ll be dead in minutes. I hope it was worth it.’

‘I-I’m sorry,’ he stammered as I stood and turned away. ‘We didn’t mean to hurt him, it was – it was a joke, right, Scott?’

Scott was having trouble breathing, his face reddening. Mike was still trying desperately to move, but his muscles were locked in place.

‘FUCKING PRETTY BOY DESERVED IT!’ Mike roared, failure to move bringing out a dark toxicity I knew was lurking.

‘No!’ Dan insisted. ‘I didn’t want to hurt him, it was them! They made me to do it! I liked Jace, I really liked him so much and when we--!’ his breath caught in a horrible glottalstop, eyes bulging.

‘You’re dying, Dan,’ I said measuredly. ‘I hope it hurts.’

Scott was the first to stop twitching, followed by Mike who died with an expression of almost comical anger on his face. Dan went last, pleading right up until the last few moments when inevitability made itself known and he gave me a look so cold, it chilled me.

‘Your brother… was a… whore!’ he managed.

The temptation to hit him, kick his teeth out, stab him… it made me dizzy, but I resisted. Only when all three of them were dead did I feel any small measure of peace.

 _You just killed three humans;_ my mind pointed out. 

I stared down at their rapidly atrophying bodies, thinking of Jace. Of what they’d done to him. It would never make it better, but they couldn’t be allowed to exist.

It should have felt like some monumental line I’d crossed. Premeditated murder, cold bloodedly killing three Mundanes. It felt normal, no different than killing demons. Maybe I’d made the world a little safer, too.

I left the scene and went back to my default state of invisibility. 

*

_A/N- I hope this wasn't upsetting for anyone, if I need to add trigger warnings please let me know and I'll go back and do so. This felt really short, I think I'm used to writing insanely long chapters now, but I REALLY hope you liked it. I was about to promise this would be the last SUPER DARK bit in the story, but that would be kind of a lie. I do promise that things are going to get better SOON though. Happiness will come for our boys one day, I swear it, please stay with me._

_Hope this Izzy chapter was good, she gets so left out. Did you like it? Am I needy? A tad._

_Sorry for delay. More soon._


	17. Chapter Seventeen: And Now I've Lost the Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec tries to piece together what happened between him and Jace. Misunderstandings GALORE.  
> Trigger warnings for this chapter for suicidal thoughts and a lot of angst. Seriously, wear a hard hat.

**_(Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts in this chapter.)_ **

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

**-And Now I** **’ve Lost the Key-**

**‘** _To think that only yesterday,_

_I was cheerful, bright and gay,_

_Looking forward to, well, who wouldn_ _’t do,_

_The role I was about to play._

_But as if to knock me down,_

_Reality came around_

_And without so much as a mere touch,_

_Cut me into little pieces,_

_Leaving me to doubt, talk about_

_God in his mercy,_

_For if he really does exist,_

_Why did he desert me?_

_In my hour of need, I truly am indeed,_

_Alone again, naturally._ _’_

_-Gilbert O_ _’Sullivan_

‘Your hair,’ really wasn’t the first thing I wanted to say to Jace that early in the morning but it just kind of slipped out. ‘…is different.’ _Oh, nice one, Lightwood. Going for the gold in Acting Like a Twat, are we?_

He and Izzy were alone at the breakfast table together, neither of them eating but there was plenty of coffee and juice.

‘Oh, yeah,’ he said, touching it. ‘Izzy did it for me.’

‘It suits him,’ Izzy said, making meaningful eye contact with me. ‘Don’t you think?’

It did suit him, of course it suited him. Jace could have grown a ponytail and a beard and cosplayed as Khal fucking Drogo and it would have suited him, he was just that beautiful. Shorter and higher than it had been in years, it made him look more… adult.

‘You look great,’ I said, taking a seat. An awkward silence began to form and I had the distinct impression I’d interrupted their conversation. Through our thin Parabatai link I felt something I didn’t recognise, but it resembled _sharing._

Not with me, though. He wasn’t sharing anything with me lately. The space between us was a chasm, yawning and growing each day we didn’t reconnect.

‘How was the training session?’ he asked me, almost politely.

‘It went OK,’ I said, reaching for the coffee pot, trying to mentally shore up the strength not to just leave. ‘Henson is making a lot of effort.’

‘It’s the least he can do,’ Izzy said coldly. ‘After what he did.’

‘Well, he’s trying to make up for it, I think.’

‘He shouldn’t even still be here,’ Izzy went on. ‘You should transfer him. The Paris Institute has repeatedly asked for manpower.’

I nodded, thumb circling the handle of my coffee cup. ‘Did you, uh… tell Jace?’

My Parabatai whitened a fraction. ‘Tell me what?’ Izzy put her hand on his shoulder and I couldn’t wrench my eyes away from the reassuring gesture, unable to suppress a hint of jealousy that Izzy was allowed to touch him and be there for him.

‘About the party?’

‘Oh,’ Jace said, clearly relieved. ‘Yeah, she told me.’

I waited but he didn’t say anything else. ‘And? You don’t think it’s the worst idea this side of the century?’

‘I think you’re overreacting a little bit,’ Izzy said. ‘It won’t be that bad.’

‘When do these things ever go right?’

‘Your tenth birthday went…OK,’ Izzy said, eyes misting over in search of a good memory. ‘I think?’

‘You kissed Gregory Lougaines,’ I said, unimpressed with her find. ‘I got cake on my shirt and Jace told everyone it was snot.’

‘Maybe,’ Izzy suggested. ‘This will break the curse.’

‘Some fucking curse to break,’ I said grumpily, but it was for show. I wanted Jace to try and reassure me or tease me for being scowly.

He didn’t even look at me.

‘Uh, anyway,’ I said, standing up, feeling like there was a knife in my chest. ‘I’ll see you guys later.’

Outside in the hallway, I leaned into the wall and pressed my head there, eyes clenched shut against the agony of being an outsider to my own soul. Fuck, was this how Izzy felt sometimes? I would never take her for granted again, never be anything but thrilled to see her, with or without Jace.

 _Stop being such a baby_ , a dark voice whispered. _Tell him how you_ _’re feeling, ask him what’s wrong!_

I ignored the voice. I had _always_ ignored that voice and now was not the time to stop, even though it had grown bolder the last few days.

But without Jace to lean on for strength, it was becoming more and more difficult to ignore it.

* * *

Training alone meant I got more done, but the ache didn’t leave at any point, knowing how much better it would have been with Jace by my side. I let out as much anger as possible on a thick, uncaring punch-bag. Each time my curled fist impacted into the material, something flashed in my mind, not bright enough to fully see it, but to feel a hint of it.

Something _bad_.

Frustration built slowly, inched closer to a white-hot crescendo of impotent, useless fucking rage that I couldn’t source, let alone identify.

My knuckles were raw and hurting, but I hit harder, over and over again, searching for that brighter flash when something would click. My upper arms burned; eyes locked on a target that didn’t exist.

_Laughter._

I punched harder, putting so much strength into it I wondered if I would break my arm. Full body punches weren’t meant to be repeated like this. I wanted to break the bag, break my fucking bones and shatter this weird stasis I was caught in, knowing nothing and able to _do_ nothing but plod along and act out the role expected of me.

‘Whoa, _Alec_!’

The hand on my shoulder sent an absolute shock of primal fear through me. A sick, swooping realisation of something about to eat me alive that I hadn’t even seen coming.

Except it was just Simon.

Heart smashing my ribs from inside, I staggered slightly from the momentum I’d built in my attempt to destroy the apparatus.

‘Oh,’ I gasped, righting my footing. ‘Hey.’

He was the picture of concern. ‘Are you…OK?’

‘Great,’ I said, wiping my face on my forearm, which was just as sweaty as the rest of me, so not especially effective. ‘What’s up?’

‘I was calling for you a while.’

‘Caught in the rhythm,’ I shrugged.

Simon Lewis and I were not especially close, but his concern wasn’t enough to seriously annoy me. He was a genuine kind of guy who cared about most everyone.

‘I’m fine,’ I added, forcing my breathing to slow. ‘What did you want?’

‘This is actually kinda awkward,’ he said, still retaining some concern. ‘It’s about the shared party your Mom is throwing.’

‘Ugh,’ I groaned. ‘Don’t remind me.’

‘Well, look - we both know it’s gonna suck, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try and make the most of it, right?’

‘Most of what? My Mom showing off to my Dad or her interrogating you about your intentions towards Izzy?’

Something in his expression softened. ‘Aren’t you gonna ask me that?’

I laughed, trailing over to the benches on the side-line and he followed.

‘I know your intentions for my sister,’ I said, patting the bench beside me as I sat, catching my breath. ‘You’re a good guy and you care about her. That’s about my extent of involvement before I get told to butt out.’

‘I think it could be fun, though. Everyone together. Balloons are nice too.’

I shot him a narrow look. ‘I fucking hate balloons.’

He chuckled, shaking his head. ‘Wow, you really are back, huh?’

His last few words sharpened my focus and drew my attention. ‘Was I not sullen and boring, then?’

‘Hey, you’re _anything_ but boring, OK? Lightwoods couldn’t be boring if they tried.’ He slapped my shoulder again, grinning. ‘And I was only kidding, anyway. I personally, didn’t get to see much of your _Dark Side_.’

‘But some?’

‘Eh,’ he said, deliberating. ‘You were…it’s hard to say.’

Looking carefully down, I said, ‘What happened between me and Jace?’

Simon’s fear of putting his foot in it was palpable. ‘Look,’ he said heavily. ‘I really, _really_ don’t want to keep fucking things up for everyone with my mouth OK? If you have questions, maybe just _ask_ Jace?’

‘I did. I asked him and he said nothing happened.’

Simon was sympathetic, but made it clear he wasn’t going to tell me anything of substance.

‘If it’s any consolation, I will say that your other half tried to trick me into telling him stuff too,’ he added, shaking his head. ‘You’re both insanely nosey.’

I wanted to ask what it was Other Alec could hope to learn from Simon when _his_ memories had been all intact but Simon would have refused and I was still irritable as fuck, despite making my knuckles bleed.

‘All right,’ I said, trying to reign in the anger and force myself back into neutral. ‘So, what shall we do about the party?’

‘Well, I thought maybe we could try and make it more about Max.’

I smiled, bemused. ‘Max?’

‘Yeah, the kid’s been through a lot and Izzy said he always wants to spend more time with you, Jace and her, so why don’t we try make it a Max Party as well?’

For a long moment, I surveyed the vampire. It could easily have been a move to impress Izzy, buddying up with the little brother, but he’d come to me about it.

‘That sounds great.’

He nodded in agreement. ‘I think so too. Your Mom probably won’t like it, but…’

‘She’ll get over it,’ I said. ‘Max deserves to have a bit of attention for once and you’re right, this could be a good opportunity for that. Angel knows there hasn’t been much time for it the last few months.’

‘Cool,’ Simon said, pleased. ‘Are you inviting Magnus?’

‘Mom already called him, though fuck knows how she got _that_ number. He can’t make it.’

‘Ah, OK, just thought I’d check. Nothing like a Mom-Organised party made even more awkward by your ex gate-crashing huh?’

He nudged me, entering banter territory. I rolled my eyes, a small grin in place.

‘He’s the only guy I’ve ever been out with, but it’s not especially awkward between us.’

‘That’s good. Things were _super_ awkward between me and Maia after we had sex, though I don’t know why that tips it over into awkward territory. Like, what _are_ the boundaries of awkwardness?’ he mused.

‘I never slept with Magnus,’ I said with a shrug.

‘Oh, really?’ he said, angling his head in confusion. ‘I’m sure Izzy said something about your date—’

I heaved a great and highly put-upon sigh. ‘Never slept with anyone, Simon. This right here?’ I gestured to myself. ‘Canned goods.’

Despite being a vampire, he paled somewhat. ‘Yeah, cool. I uh, was sure you slept with Magnus before. _First_. No, um. Must be remembering that wrong, anyway. So, _never_?’

‘Nope.’

‘Well,’ he patted my knee, but now he seemed rattled. ‘I’m sure the right guy is just around the corner!’

Perfectly on cue, Jace and Izzy came into the training room and Simon’s eyes widened comically.

‘Hey,’ Izzy said suspiciously. ‘What’s up?’

‘Nothing,’ Simon said, swallowing his look of abject horror. ‘We’re discussing cake. _Cake_! So, yeah, Alec, which cake should we—’

Generously, I saved him. ‘Max likes ice cream cake. I’ll order one without Mom knowing and you can collect it.’

‘Thanks,’ Simon said, regaining some (not all) of his composure. ‘ANYWAY! I’m going now to find Clary and…yeah. Clary. See you later, man.’

‘Yeah, thanks for the suggestion,’ I said earnestly. ‘It’s actually a really good idea.’

‘What’s a good idea?’ Jace asked, his voice sending an override alert to my brain. _JACE IS SPEAKING - PAY ATTENTION!_

‘Max,’ Simon said, getting to his feet. ‘Making the party more about him.’

‘Oh,’ Izzy said, smiling sweetly. ‘That _is_ a great idea, I love it.’

Simon didn’t bask in her good graces long, leaving with a hasty pat on my shoulder. Even as he went through the door, I watched him go with a little frown. That guy was weird sometimes.

‘Should we get him a present?’ Jace asked, looking directly at me. I stared, caught in his gaze, wishing it didn’t feel like he was addressing an acquaintance.

‘Yeah, why not? It’s basically an excuse for a party anyway, might as well shower attention on someone who wants it.’

Jace smiled a fraction. ‘Maybe some new comics? Clary could choose good ones, Simon too.’

He looked away and the connection broke, leaving me worse than before.

‘Sounds like a plan,’ I said, pushing up off the bench. ‘He asked if we were inviting Magnus, too.’

Jace glanced back at me, warily. ‘Oh? What did you say?’

Weirdly, he seemed _worried_ about my answer. ‘I said we were. I mean, the guy is pretty much family, he saves our asses every ten seconds. Magnus can’t make it, though.

‘’Oh,’ Jace said, seeming almost relieved. ‘’That’s too bad.’

Unable to let it go, I built up the courage to approach him.

‘Is it a problem?’ I asked gently, eyes searching.

He gave a small laugh, but there was no humour in it and he seemed to squirm under my scrutiny.

‘Of course not,’ he told me, but he was lying. Why was it a lie?

‘Jace,’ I said, reaching to grasp carefully at his wrist and make him stay, _make_ him look at me. ‘What is it?’

‘Hey!’ Izzy yelled loudly. ‘Is anyone gonna spar with me, or what?’

‘Coming!’ Jace said, giving me a completely fake look of regret and pulling his arm out of my loose hold. The skin connection between us broke, but I’d felt something.

Fear. He was _afraid._

Of what? Of me? Of me touching him?

This was fucking with my head. Unable to contain the resentment I felt towards them both for excluding me like this, I left without another word, not even surprised neither of them tried to stop me.

* * *

Something was not fucking right.

I may as well have got that printed on a t-shirt and worn it every other week. It was slowly becoming apparent that everyone knew more than I did, hiding the truth to protect me.

I didn’t _want_ to be protected. I _wanted_ the truth, even if it hurt.

Paperwork was dull enough to make my mood a lot worse, but it kept my mind at least semi-occupied. Henson sat with me in the Head of Institute office, waiting patiently while I signed a few things.

‘Henson,’ I said, looking up, clicking the pen back. ‘You’re doing a really great job, you know that?’

His whole face brightened. ‘Really? Oh, Alec that means a lot to me. I actually had a whole—’

‘Yeah, yeah, so,’ I interrupted somewhat impatiently because his grand schemes could wait. ‘I’m going to ask you some questions and I expect nothing but the unvarnished truth. OK?’

The bright look was snuffed out by worry. ‘OK?’

‘Good.’ I crossed my arms, leaning back. ‘First, I’m going to tell you something and I want to know that I can rely on your ability to safeguard our autonomy of this Institute?’

‘Yes,’ he said a little more confidently. ‘Whatever you tell me, I won’t repeat, I swear by the Angel.’

‘I can’t remember anything in the weeks that led up to the trial in Alicante.’

‘Oh,’ he said, blinking.

‘Obviously, it would raise questions about my competence and invite a level of scrutiny that could impede our ability to safeguard New York without bureaucratic interference and micromanaging. I know I can count on you to keep this secret, right?’

Henson’s spine straightened. ‘You can count on me, Alec.’

‘All right. So, this time before the trial, it’s all a blank to me. I want you to tell me everything that happened.’

‘The others didn’t fill you in?’

‘I want your perspective.’

The older man considered my question. ‘You don’t remember _anything_?’

‘Last I remember is a couple of days after Jace saved me from that thing, the demon who took me.’

Henson looked at me earnestly. ‘What do you want to know?’

* * *

A shape was forming, slowly pieces were coming together to form something _Really Not Good._ Henson’s perspective had little damning evidence, but it contributed a lot of the backdrop for that time.

The most interesting part of his account was a night Jace and I apparently got in very late. Henson described Jace as looking like he’d been hurt, maybe beaten up and that I, apparently, threatened to murder Henson after he made a (self-described) nasty comment.

Henson, at least, was not bound to the mutual society of secrecy that everyone else was apparently a member of. I busied myself with work for the rest of that day and then decided to patrol that night and get away from the stuffy, unbearably quiet atmosphere.

Patrolling alone was dangerous, but I couldn’t bear to ask Jace or Izzy, who were apparently inseparable now, and Clary wasn’t there. I felt a little reckless, half wanting something terrible to happen to me so that the others might feel bad.

It was a disgusting impulse, but it didn’t entirely go away.

Luckily for me, there was no shortage of things to slay. Demons, demons everywhere and lots for me to kill. They were out in force that night, confidently biting into the drug-free humans, or at least _supernatural_ drug-free, and delighting in rituals to incur more power.

Already ichor splattered from a solid fight, I stealthily tracked a lower demon who seemed to be in a hurry. I followed it as it scurried into an alley, then, to my surprise, into the back of a large van. The van’s ignition roared to life and it pulled out of the alley. I saw a human driving it, checking the road cautiously before pulling out.

I jumped onto the back of the van lightly, ear pressed awkwardly to the metal door as the vehicle rolled along.

Inside, I heard muffled screams and low, demonic sounds. Hissing and growling.

I plunged my blade into the divide of the doors and wrenched them open. Six ugly little demons spun to snarl at the intruder, but there was a taller demon, more human like. Two young girls were bound to a rickety wooden table with sigils carved into their naked flesh.

The demons flew at me. They were small, the size of dogs, but they attacked all at once. They tried to knock me off the back of the van, but I held on tight and manage to curl myself inside. The van turned abruptly when the driver realised something was happening. Fyntheral demons were small and fast with wicked teeth, rows of jagged little weapons inside their mouths. They attacked pack style, clambering over me and biting wherever they could.

The pain was _nothing_. The pain was, quite frankly, fantastic.

I plunged my blades into their slick, black skin one by one and the van wrenched to a stop down behind a store. Two remained and they furiously attempted to bite me to death. They sunk their teeth into my arms, shoulders, legs and even stomach. When I looked down at the grey metal floor of the vehicle, it was drenched with my blood.

Huh.

I killed the second to last demon and kicked the other away. It landed in a heap in the corner of the now stationary van.

The taller demon had one of the girls, holding her in front of him like a hostage.

‘I’m going now,’ it told me, confidently. ‘You can have the other, she wasn’t a virgin anyway.’

‘That’s what you need, is it?’ I asked, fighting for breath, but feeling so incredibly alive. ‘Let them both go and take me.’

‘You?’ The demon gave me a speculative gaze up and down. Then he turned to his lapdog demon and hissed something I didn’t understand.

The smaller demon weakly replied with a snarl.

‘You’re not clean,’ the demon told me, looking almost disappointed.

I felt almost indignant. ‘Pardon me?’

‘You’re not a virgin, stupid Shadowhunter!’ the demon snapped, tightening its grip on the young, naked girl. ‘Do not waste my time with lies!’

‘I’m not lying— oh, fuck it!’

I threw my blade into the demon’s face where it landed with a highly satisfying _thunk_ in the left eye _._ The girl screamed and wriggled out of its death grip, rushing to free her friend.

‘Hey, are you OK?’ I asked, helping her. They were both naked, their skin carved up with sigils.

‘Yeah,’ the girl lied, untying the wrists of the girl still bound. ‘Thank you.’

When they were both free, I shrugged out of my jacket and took off my shirt, handing them over.

‘Here,’ I said, shrugging out of my pants as well.

‘No, please, you’ve done enough,’ the first girl protested, not bothered about covering herself, only her shell-shocked friend. 

‘It’s fine,’ I insisted, kicking out of the leg and handing them to her. ‘Though, I’m sorry they’re somewhat covered in blood and…goo.’

‘Are you gonna be OK?’ she asked me, staring doubtfully at my body which looked like a shark’s chew toy. Lazily, I activated my Iratz and waited for the shallow bites to heal.

She dressed her friend and I called the cops with the standard amount of vagueness. The driver of the van was long gone, made his escape while I fought off the demons.

‘Do you know who grabbed you?’ I asked, using the mushy demon’s cloak to wipe some of the blood off of me. Lucky a black vest and pants didn’t show too much in the way of stains.

‘We didn’t see him,’ the girl told me. ‘He just grabbed us and held us in here with those _things!_ Chanting and cutting us up like this!’

‘Did the tall one say anything to you?’

She wiped her nose, smoothing down her friend’s brown hair.

‘Just that virginal blood was valuable.’

I nodded. It was common in the demon world, but her affirmation made something prickle troublingly in the back of my mind.

‘I have to go,’ I said. ‘Will you be OK? These bodies will melt completely in a few minutes and you can just say the driver ran off.’

‘We’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘Will you be OK, like that?’

Walking through Manhattan wearing a vest and boxers, she meant.

‘I’ll get by,’ I said with a reassuring smile, the kind of thing Jace would’ve done. ‘Take care of yourselves.’

‘Thank you,’ the girl who had not yet spoken whispered. ‘Thank you for saving us.’

Once outside the van, I went invisible and left the scene.

* * *

I didn’t want to return to the Institute, so instead I did something I rarely even thought about doing. I went shopping.

First, I got some clothes. The cashier didn’t give me that much of a weird look, he’d obviously seen worse even at night. Once I looked decent, albeit incredibly Mundane, I wandered into a Mall and found myself browsing in the home decor sections. I picked up curtains, throw pillows, cutlery, plates, glasses, an inflatable sofa and a phone charger. When I made the decision to take a cab from there to the apartment, I put my stuff in a cart and went back for more.

I’d never used the credit card for anything except necessities and travel before. It was a little addictive. I got some blankets, a few candles, a clock, a mirror and some bathroom stuff, but I didn’t stop there either.

The cab took me to that apartment and after three trips up the stairs, I had it all inside.

I left my phone on the countertop in the kitchen, carefully ensuring it wasn’t on silent or damaged, in case someone called me while I went to work making the place fit to inhabit.

I got lost for a while in the simple, but rewarding tasks. My favourite thing was the plant. I put in on the windowsill after carefully watering it. A little fern, so the label said. The last thing was inflating the sofa, which, upon reflection, would have been easier if I’d got an air pump, but I managed to blow it up myself like some giant balloon.

The bedrooms were still empty, but it felt a little homier. I sat on the squishy, rubbery sofa and scrolled through my phone. No one had contacted me. I sent Izzy a message letting her know I’d be out all night. She didn’t reply.

After that, I took a shower, using the new products and dried myself on a soft, new towel. It was late and my body was tired, so I curled up on the sofa, wrapped in blankets and fell asleep.

* * *

My phone pulled me from a solid, dreamless sleep and as awareness returned, so did a flood of information. I’d slept at the apartment. It was morning. The apartment looked nice.

The sofa had deflated almost completely.

I groaned and stretched, back aching a little. I was pretty much on the floor, but it had still been a good sleep.

I answered the phone sleepily, padding out to the kitchen for water from one of my new glasses.

‘Hello?’

It was Izzy. Of course it was. Wouldn’t be Jace, would it? _‘Hey, where are you?’_

‘I’m at the apartment,’ I said, gulping down refreshing tap water. ‘I was out late patrolling.’

_‘Alone?’_

‘Yeah, it was fine.’

_‘And what? You didn’t wanna get in trouble or something so you stayed out all night?’_

I put the glass down, frowning at her tone. ‘No, I just didn’t…’ want to go back there and be alone ‘…feel like going all that way back. I was tired.’

_‘You could have let me know.’_

I sighed. ‘I _did_ let you know.’

There was a rustling sound as she checked her phone. _‘Oh, yeah. Sorry. I uh, I didn’t see the message.’_

‘It’s fine,’ I told her, with as little resentment as possible. ‘Is everything OK?’

 _‘Yeah, all good,’_ she said.

Jace didn’t message, didn’t ask where I was.

‘Great. Well, I’ll see you later, then.’

_‘Alec, wait.’_

‘Yeah?’

_‘…. what time are you coming home?’_

It felt like she’d been about to say something else, but had copped out at the last minute.

‘I don’t know,’ I said.

_‘The stupid party is tomorrow night, remember? She hired out a god damned ballroom, can you believe that?’_

‘Yeah, I can. You know how she is.’

 _‘OK, well, I’ll see you later, then. Yeah?’_ She sounded _tentative_.

‘Of course. I’ll be back soon.’

_‘Great, be safe.’_

She hung up first.

It felt like something was fundamentally broken between all three of us and I could not shake the feeling that I was the one who’d broken it.

* * *

The desire to run to Magnus was strong, but I decided against it at the last minute. He’d helped us enough and besides, maybe he was involved in this conspiracy of hiding everything from me.

After a quick breakfast of coffee and a croissant in the apartment, I dressed in Mundane clothes and headed out.

The Medium Sashinda Morr was well known in New York, amongst both the shadow and human world. There was a backlog of clients and it was nearly impossible to get an appointment with her, but I hoped she would remember the time I helped out her sister who was being brainwashed by a demonic cult and maybe cut me a break.

The shop was beautiful and highly modern. No incense or heavy drapes and candles. It was almost like a beauty spa. Clean light pink walls and glossy marble floors. The new age music was helplessly relaxing and I felt a little more at ease, even when speaking to her whispery assistant.

‘Mistress Morr has no walk-in slots for nine weeks,’ she told me regretfully. ‘Can I interest you in one of our many self-help books? There’s also a wonderful new app we just launched.’

‘I need to see her,’ I pressed. ‘Will you please tell her Alec Lightwood needs to see her and that its urgent.’

The woman eyed me doubtfully. ‘Is it an emergency?’

‘Yes,’ I lied, but only through technicality. ‘It’s very much an emergency.’

With a put-upon sigh, she typed something and then said, ‘Take a seat.’

I sat on the comfiest chair imaginable and waited a few minutes, hoping it wouldn’t be much longer, but then what if it was? No one was waiting for me to get home, were they?

‘Alec,’ Sashinda greeted warmly as she approached, slow and confident. Her black curls cascaded down her back, the silky fabric she wore didn’t do much to hide her rounded belly. ‘Wonderful to see you again!’

‘You too,’ I said, offering my hand awkwardly. ‘Congratulations?’

She laughed. ‘Yes, I _intentionally_ got knocked up, don’t panic. Come on, let’s go in here. I’m sure this isn’t a social call.’

I followed her into a darker room, with low lighting and lilac coloured glass on all sides. Once she closed the door, a vacuum of silence filled the air.

‘So,’ she said, sitting on the floor and indicating I do the same. ‘What’s the emergency?’

‘I need you to read me,’ I said. ‘It’s…something’s wrong.’

She nodded seriously, surveying me. ‘I can feel that. Your energy is fractured. What’s happened?’

I explained about the last month and her lip curled with disgust when I mentioned the drug.

‘That _filth_ has been around for years, but only ever within select circles until recently. I rarely say such a thing, but I was glad to hear of Sang’s death.’

‘Anyway, now I don’t know what happened during that time and no one will tell me.’

‘Have you considered that there may be a reason _why_ they didn’t tell you?’

‘I don’t care,’ I said hotly. ‘I deserve to know.’

‘You think you hurt someone,’ she said. ‘You think you hurt Jace.’

Eyes closed, I said, ‘Please, just read me and tell me what you see.’

‘Come here,’ he instructed gently. ‘Hands in mine, now sit very still, don’t interrupt me whatever you do. After I’m done, you can ask a couple of questions, all right? Keep breathing; in and out, nice and slow. In and out, in and out.’

I followed the rhythm she set, eyes tight closed as her warm hands held mine and she began to hum a low key. For a while she just maintained that key, to the extent I wondered how she didn’t need to breathe, but then it stopped and a few seconds later she started speaking.

‘There’s a piece of you missing,’ she said. ‘The piece was full of life, it was alive, it carried memories. The memories left an imprint, a kind of echo.’

I knew all that already.

‘You’re experiencing a kind of loss. Grief is in your cells, but you don’t know why. I can’t see exactly why. The demon that tore it from you did so expertly. The damage left behind is minimal, though, which is good considering your bartered with Belaphim.’

I _burned_ to interrupt and ask more, but instead I remained silent as she’d bade.

‘Belaphim knew you already, through Jace. He was waiting for you to bargain, though he didn’t expect you to bargain for _that_.’

Through Jace? Fucking hell.

‘Your bond with Jace is a mess,’ she sighed. ‘It’s been stretched and twisted, but at one point it was much, _much_ stronger than it is now.’

Yeah, no shit. My relationship with Jace was at an all-time low.

‘Hmmm. There’s definitely something that happened in the last few weeks. Whatever it was, it tore your Parabatai apart.’

My heart smashed against my ribs, imagining Jace in pain.

‘You were involved in it,’ she said slowly. ‘In what capacity is unclear, though. His love for you…something has changed.’

Oh God.

‘The other part of you that reigned for a while, he was not truly evil. He just took what he wanted, the way you never would. His sacrifice of self was to remedy something done to your Parabatai, something he felt a great deal of responsibility for.’

I couldn’t breathe. Why could she not just put me out of my misery and fucking _tell me_?

She released my hands and I opened my eyes, dizzy with the effort of not asking a hundred questions.

Her expression was grim. ‘You may ask me three questions, Alec. Choose them well, for afterwards, I do not wish to speak of this again. The taint is too deep and these days I try and protect my baby from anything this negative.’

‘Did I hurt Jace?’

‘Yes,’ she said unequivocally. ‘Your other lied to him and tricked him. Made him think he was the _other_ and used it to his advantage _._ _’_

‘Why do I remember laughter?’

Sashinda grimaced. ‘The laughter comes from an incident that hurt Jace terribly. I cannot see it, but I taste the residue and that kind of imprint only comes from one thing severe enough to brand so deep; rape.’

The bottom of the world dropped out.

All thought ground to a halt. For a long time, I stared at her, willing myself not to vehemently deny what she’d said, especially when it made too much sense.

I cleared my throat for the last question.

‘I’m not a virgin anymore, am I?’

‘No,’ she confirmed, with ill-concealed pity. ‘You are not.’

* * *

I went home because that’s where my legs took me, but my mind was stuck in some kind of car wreck, unable to process what Sashinda had told me.

Because it couldn’t be true. There was _no way_ it could be true.

Back inside the Institute, I looked around and made a quick, stealthy path to my bedroom. I saw Henson from behind, but I was too quick for him to turn and see me.

What had he said at the trial? Something about my hand over Jace’s mouth? His _certainty_ that we’d slept together had been unwavering.

Of course I passed the fucking soul sword test. I didn’t _remember_ it.

The thought of the hand over Jace’s mouth comment made my stomach clench and heave. I was too far from my bedroom, so I ducked into a bathroom nearby and emptied the contents of my stomach down the toilet, tears running the whole time.

My skin was wet and cold with sweat, body numb and mind in a weak state of necessary, though failing, denial.

I would never do that to Jace, to fucking _anyone!_ It could not be true. But what about the other part of me, who was fine tricking Jace into thinking nothing was wrong? What about that part?

I realised that this was the same bathroom from when I’d been sick with that poisonous shit incubating inside me. The same place Jace had stroked my neck, comforted me and kept me close by.

My stomach rolled again.

When there was literally nothing inside me anymore except desolation, I gargled water and wiped my face with hands that trembled uncontrollably.

What in the fucking hell was I supposed to do now?

The answer was clear cut, but I had to be sure first. There was still an outside chance that some of it, somehow, might not be right. I clung to that belief as hard as I could, because the _answer_ that lurked, if it was all true, was difficult to contemplate.

* * *

Under the perspective of suspicion, Jace’s actions seemed now to clearly indicate what I desperately wanted to deny. He never left the Institute. He rarely went anywhere without Izzy. He was quiet, withdrawn. He barely looked at me.

Still, I had to be certain and there was little certainty to be gained from staring at Jace like some sick stalker.

Talking to him seemed like an obvious choice, but with it came the potential knowledge that I might be hurting him even more.

Izzy was my secondary source of confirmation, but she might not even have known. Surely, if she did know, she would have killed me herself by now?

But, I reasoned quietly to myself, not if it hadn’t technically been me and certainly not if Jace begged her to keep the secret. That was exactly the kind of thing Jace would do.

‘Alec?’

I blinked slowly. Clary was standing in front of me, almost entirely obscuring my narrow view of Jace and Izzy washing dishes in the kitchen.

‘Yeah?’

‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like shit. Are you coming down with something?’

‘Oh, I…maybe, yeah.’

Her eyes creased with concern. ‘Don’t you think you should go to bed or something? Seriously, you look like you’re about to collapse.’

‘No, I’m OK,’ I said numbly. ‘I’m fine. Thanks, though, Clary. You were always kind to me.’

Her concern intensified. ‘Are you delirious?’

‘Honestly, I’m good,’ I said, moving away. ‘But thanks.’

I didn’t want to train or eat or sleep, but after a day spent in the shadows like a fucking coward, the latter came for me the moment I even sat on my own bed. To think that last night I’d been _shopping_. I thought of the apartment, of the things inside it and how the plant would probably die unless I could somehow prove I had not done this monstrous thing.

I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, body beyond any ability to carry on at this point.

* * *

The dream was vague and the background shifted endlessly like a scrolling screensaver, but the content never wavered. Jace and I were arguing, only it wasn’t quite me. It was like watching from outside of my body, screaming at myself to stop.

_Jace was so angry with me and he had every right to be._ _‘How dare you fucking follow me?’ he demanded. ‘What are you, my keeper?’_

_The thing that wore my body exploded with,_ _‘YES I AM YOUR FUCKING KEEPER!’_

_‘Well, who asked you to be?’_

_‘Who else was going to be? Who else would be stupid enough to attach their soul to yours, knowing how much it would be dragged through the dirt? I did, because I fucking love you! I love you so much! Everything I do is because I love you, Jace!’ Alec or me or whatever the fuck it was, lowered his voice to a quiet waver. ‘Don’t pretend like you don’t know how in love with you I am!’_

_Jace looked terrified._ _‘No.’_

_‘Yes, you know it’s true.’_

_‘No, we’ve talked about it before. It was a crush, just a stupid crush.’_

_‘I’m fucking in love with you.’_

_‘You’re not!’_

_Alec crowded Jace, getting close than Jace wanted to be until he had him trapped in front of the door._

_‘You’re not,’ Jace insisted, shaking his head. ‘Please, Alec.’_

_Alec took Jace_ _’s face in his hands ‘You want proof?’_

_‘Please stop.’_

_‘Let me kiss you and you’ll feel it.’_

_‘Alec!’_

_‘I’m in love with you and I can’t take it anymore! Every moment you’re not mine is painful. Do you know how unbearable it is to see with you other people? To feel you fucking other people? I felt you fucking her, Jace. I felt the pleasure building inside you, felt it like I was fucking you. You felt it too, I know you did.’_

_‘Alec, stop!’_

My entire body violently jerked and consciousness hit me like a sledgehammer. I sat bolt upright, hyperventilating, the dream swirling in my mind.

‘Not real, not real,’ I told myself, pressing my hands into my eyes. ‘Just a dream.’

But it didn’t feel like a dream, it felt like a memory. The level of detail was hard to justify as a dream. It felt _familiar._ Like something I might have done under duress of magical interference.

The sick feeling was back with a vengeance, but I hadn’t eaten anything so it was easier to control.

Dressed and showered, I wandered the Institute halls because moving seemed to be the best thing to do, really.

Until I bumped into Jace, of course.

I jumped back like I’d been electrocuted. He’d clearly been up for a while as well.

‘Oh, hey,’ he said warily. ‘Haven’t seen you around much lately.’

‘Yeah,’ I managed, throat working and pulse racing. ‘S-sorry.’

‘No, it’s…whatever you need to do, right?’ he said, but almost immediately he seemed like he wasn’t satisfied with that. ‘I really miss you,’ he said after a moment of frustrated silence. ‘I’m sorry if you feel like things aren’t right, you know?’

My treacherous heart leapt at the chance of kindness from him, of conversation - fucking _anything_.

‘It’s not your fault.’

‘That doesn’t matter,’ he said. ‘This is your home too and I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay away, Alec.’

It sounded like a line from a daytime movie about divorce.

‘Jace,’ I said, taking a deep breath and trying to stop myself passing out. ‘I’m really sorry for everything I did to you.’

He blanched. ‘What?’

‘Whatever I did, when I was under the influence of that shit, I’m just… I’m so sorry.’

‘Do you…?’ his throat caught. ‘Do you remember something, then?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I said honestly. ‘But I can feel that you’re in pain and things aren’t right.’

Pain that I caused, most likely.

‘But you don’t remember anything?’

‘Like what?’

‘You tell me,’ he hedged carefully. ‘If you remember something and need to talk about it, I’m - I’m here for you.’

 _He_ was there for _me_? Fuck.

Emotions were slowly strangling me, tightening around my throat and choking me. What had I done to my beautiful Parabatai?

‘I don’t remember anything, really,’ I said, watching his reaction. ‘Except I uh, I had a weird dream.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah, about us. It was really strange.’

Colour crept into his cheeks and he averted his gaze. ‘Yeah, like what?’

There was no way I could say it. Saying it would make it real and if I saw even a fraction of confirmation that I’d hurt him like that, I knew where my feet would take me next.

I had to be sure. It had to be factually evident.

‘I don’t know,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘Crazy stuff. Anyway, I’m gonna head to the office.’

‘Look,’ Jace said, stopping me as I went to move past him. ‘I know things are bad between us and I’m sorry too. That’s not what I want, but I just need a little bit of time.’ His eyes were imploring, pleading with me give him the time he apparently needed. A lump formed in my throat and heavyset dread in my stomach.

‘Of course,’ I said as blankly as possible. The last thing he needed was me crying, manipulating him more than I had already. ‘Whatever you need, Jace.’

He was still holding my wrist. ‘I promise,’ he swore, gaze searching mine. ‘I _promise_ soon I’ll be ready to talk to you and we…we can get past everything. Be how we were before.’

Fucking Christ.

‘You don’t have to promise me anything,’ I said thickly. ‘You owe me nothing, Jace.’

Finally, his fingers loosened their hold on me. ‘I wish that was true,’ he said softly, looking down.

‘I’ll uh,’ I said swallowing back tears. ‘See you later, OK?’

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Later.’

I managed to get far enough away from him before I started crying again.

* * *

Being in the office for the rest of the day was a weird blessing. When Izzy inevitably came to see how I was doing, I had the excuse of needing to catch up with administrative duties. It was also a bonus to be alone in a room full of actual paperwork that needed doing as it took my mind off things. A few people came and went, handing in reports and such.

The more I focused on mundane tasks, the more certain I began to feel that I was blowing things out of proportion. The more I scribbled out my signature, focusing on my name, the more I was sure I could never, no matter my mental state, do that to Jace. It went against everything I felt for him, everything I was.

Mom called towards the end of the day and I groaned.

‘Hey Mom,’ I said, not bothering to hide how much I was dreading her call.

_‘Are you dressed nicely? The party starts in an hour!’_

‘I’m wearing clothes, if that’s what you mean.’

_‘Alec, I expect you to be wearing something nice and to be here on time, that’s not asking much, is it?’_

‘No, that’s reasonable,’ I sighed, thinking how this would at least be good for Max. ‘I’ll be there. Do you need me to bring anything?’

‘Just your beautiful self,’ she said and I could tell she was smiling.

‘OK Mom,’ I laughed. ‘See you there.’

I left the office and went to get changed into something I knew she would approve of. For the first time, I regretted giving away my jacket to the girls from the demon van. Maybe I could borrow Jace’s.

After a small internal debate, I decided it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I went and asked him. Gauging his reaction when I was calmer was probably a good idea, too.

I reached his door, right next to my own room, and was about to knock when I heard voices inside. I paused, listening. The door was ever so slightly ajar, making it easy to hear Izzy and Jace speaking.

And because I was already at an all-time low, morally, I didn’t hesitate to listen.

‘…better in time, I think,’ Izzy was saying as Jace moved around, perhaps getting ready for the stupid party. ‘But you do need to tell him, Jace.’

‘I just don’t think I can,’ Jace said, sounding so defeated it made my heart hurt. ‘Everything is already so fucked up, this could genuinely break us.’

‘I’m not saying today or tomorrow. You know I support you completely. It’s just, you know he’s not stupid. He’s gonna figure out that something happened between you two. I’m surprised he can’t feel it in the bond.’

‘The bond is weak,’ Jade said. ‘After the sex, it was insanely strong, like telepathy almost, but now that he’s _back_ , I can barely feel him. It’s like it never happened, almost.’

‘Even so, he’s already suspicious.’

‘I know.’ Jace sighed shakily. ‘He said he dreamt about us, I’m sure he remembers something.’

‘That’s what I’m saying. If he remembers something out of context before you explain what happened, this could all go permanently fucking sideways.’

So quietly, I could barely hear it, Jace said, ‘He’s gonna blame himself.’

‘Honey,’ Izzy said gently. ‘You were raped; of _course,_ he’ll blame himself.’

I moved away from the door, reeling. My mind went into survival mode, only the most basic functions prevailing. I felt numb, like I wasn’t really inside my body at all.

So, it was true then. No chance of misunderstandings or mistaken assumptions. It was real and there was no denying it anymore.

I had done this terrible thing to the person I loved most in the world.

I had raped him.

* * *

Part of me genuinely just shut down the moment I’d heard the undeniable confirmation from Jace himself. I operated on autopilot, unable to do anything more beside dress and go to the party to see my family one last time. I didn’t want to go, but I figured I owed them a final, if covert, goodbye.

The party was ridiculous. A huge, lavish ballroom decorated to the nines with a fucking actual swing band. I couldn’t fathom why my Mom had done this, but really, it was probably a good thing. Everyone was here, even my Dad and Karine. Max came running over, wrapping his arms around my waist and I hugged him back.

‘Hey, buddy!’ I said, trying to sound like a normal human being. ‘I missed you! How was travelling?’

‘It was really cool,’ my little brother said, eyes shining with excitement. ‘We saw a lot of Europe and I learned some French! Karine is a good teacher, she bought me comics too, French ones! I still use Google Translate for some bits, though.’

His babbling made me smile.

‘That’s so great,’ I said, gently ruffling his hair.

‘Anyway, I’ve gotta go see Jace and tell him about this new character I’m making for my own comic series!’

I watched him dash off, so full of enthusiasm and expectation.

‘Hey,’ Dad said awkwardly, drawing attention unwillingly from Max. ‘Uh, how are you?’

‘I’m fine, Dad,’ I said giving him my best _Dutiful Son_ smile. ‘Hi Karine, great to see you again.’

Karine gave me the standard two French kisses and a pat on my shoulder.

‘I am so sorry I was not there for your _connerie_ trial, Alec,’ she told me. ‘I would ‘ave been front and centre if I could!’

‘Don’t worry. It was fine.’

‘No, it was not,’ she insisted hotly. ‘And I was very not ‘appy with your father, also. There were many arguments.’

‘Many _slaps_ ,’ my Dad muttered under his breath.

Karine nodded solemnly. ‘Many.’

‘It doesn’t matter. Really.’

‘Supporting family is _all_ zat matters,’ Karine said. ‘You are my family, Alec.’

The unexpectedly kind gesture made me feel a sting of regret that I wouldn’t get to know Karine any better after tonight, but I held it together, drawing on that numb feeling for strength.

‘That’s so kind,’ I said. ‘My Dad is lucky to have you.’

 _‘Tres_ chanceux,’ she agreed.

‘Well, I’m just gonna get a drink,’ I said, gesturing to the bar. Karine moved away, heading towards my Mom, but my Dad followed me there.

‘I’d make some grand gesture by offering to buy you a drink,’ he said, gesturing to the array of top shelf luxuries. ‘But it’s an open bar.’

‘Yeah, Mom really went all out.’

‘I get why,’ Dad said. ‘That trial was an attempt to tarnish our name and she wants to show we have nothing to hide.’

The bar tender made his way over to us and I ordered a double Dalmore. My Dad nodded approvingly, ordering the same for himself and heftily tipping the bar tender.

I threw the whiskey back, appreciating the burn and the warmth it spread through my chest and stomach.

‘Whoa, easy!’ my Dad laughed. ‘Let it breathe.’

‘Another,’ I ordered, ignoring his suggestion.

‘Look, I’m sorry I didn’t come and talk to you,’ he said, moving closer. ‘It wasn’t because I was embarrassed, I know that’s hard to believe. The truth is, I realised something about you and Jace. Something that, in hindsight, was pretty obvious.’

‘Dad—’

‘No, let me just say this. Old laws be damned, OK? You love who you love, we can’t choose that. I didn’t want to leave your Mother; it wouldn’t have been my choice but the heart takes no prisoners. Karine absolutely kicks my ass, but I love her more than I can even acknowledge sometimes. If I had to leave the Shadow world to be with her, I would.’

The bar tender had barely put the drink in front of me before I tossed that back too. ‘Another, please. That’s really great, Dad. I’m happy for you. There’s nothing between me and Jace, there never will be.’

He stared at me, a little worried. ‘Alec, what’s wrong?’

‘I’m just tired,’ I said, forcing myself to give him a smile. ‘I’m really tired and this party is the last thing I need, you know?’

He returned my smile, glad to be back on solid ground. ‘Well, you know your Mom. Big gestures are kind of her thing.’

‘That they are,’ I agreed. ‘Thanks for talking to me, Dad.’

I left him to prop up the bar and saw Izzy and Jace approaching. I tried to steel myself, but the only strength I had was from the six servings of Dalmore currently churning in my empty stomach.

Izzy looked absolutely gorgeous, wearing a shimmering black dress and heels that made her almost as tall as Karine. Her hair was braided off to the side, little strands falling around her face. Simon and Clary were with them, both dressed in similar formal wear. They looked great, except that Simon’s shoes consisted of old, distressed All Stars.

Jace…God damn it to hell. He looked so beautiful it hurt to even look at him.

‘Hey,’ Clary greeted me. ‘How come you didn’t travel with us?’

I was working on _not_ staring at Jace in semi-formal wear, his white silk shirt visible beneath a navy blazer. ‘What?’

‘We could have shared a cab,’ Simon said.

‘Yeah, I wanted to come early and see if Mom needed any help.’

‘Did she?’ Izzy said looking around.

‘She did not,’ I said, huffing a small laugh. ‘But I wanted to bring the extra presents for Max and sneak them past her.’

‘Oh yeah, I got the cake,’ Simon added with a wink.

Jace was staring at me, his expression indecipherable.

‘Well,’ I said. ‘I’m gonna go say hi—’

‘Are you OK?’ Jace blurted out, his gaze not moving from mine.

Panic tightened inside my chest. ‘Of course,’ I said, working to look confused. ‘Just tired, is all.’

‘Really?’ he asked, eyes narrowing. ‘Because you seem…I don’t know.’

‘Yes, really. Anyway, I’ll catch you guys later.’

I left before he could say anything else.

* * *

The party was in full swing, every Shadowhunter I’d ever met was invited and plenty more I’d only heard of. I spent most of my time dodging Jace and the others, making time to talk with distant relatives and old friends, though there weren’t many of the latter.

More than once, I thanked Mom for the party. She’d gone to such trouble; I couldn’t bring myself to resent her. This was the way of my parents. Big gestures instead of consistency.

The best part of the party was that she’d clearly told everyone not to bring gifts. That would have been awful and at least she knew me well enough to know that.

After chatting to her for a few minutes, Izzy caught up to me and handed me a drink.

‘Here you go,’ she said, putting the glass in my hand. ‘I know you don’t like champagne, but this stuff is actually really good. Karine brought a whole case of it from France.’

I sipped at the glass, surprised to see that she was right. ‘Mmm, not bad.’

‘Why are you dodging us?’ she asked, when Mom wandered away to supervise the servers.

‘I’m not.’

‘You’re literally running away whenever we come close. Has something happened with you and Jace?’

I wanted to laugh. ‘Yeah,’ I said, unable to lie. ‘Yeah, something definitely happened, Iz.’

‘Do you wanna talk about it?’

‘You know what?’ I said, reaching for her hand. ‘This might be the champagne talking, but you’re fucking amazing, you know that?’

She cracked a smile and gave me a Lightwood Eye-roll. ‘Oh really?’

‘Yes, really. You’re the light of my life and everyone you come in contact with is better for it. I adore you.’

Her smile was slightly permeated by a worried frown. ‘Alec, are you really that drunk?’

‘I don’t have to be drunk to tell you I love you, little sister. You’re the heart of this family, always have been. I’m so sorry if I ever made you think otherwise.’

She swallowed. ‘Alec, what is this? Jace is right, something’s up.’

‘Just my blood alcohol,’ I laughed, pressing a kiss to her forehead and doing everything I could to keep myself together. ‘And by the way, Simon is a great guy and he really loves you.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Loving him isn’t weakness, especially not when you’re the literal personification of strength.’

‘My God, you’re wasted,’ she said laughing, but she swiped at her eyes all the same.

‘I really am,’ I said and we hugged tightly. ‘Everything is gonna be OK.’

When we parted, she bit her lip. ‘I’m really sorry I haven’t been around the last few days.’

‘No,’ I insisted. ‘You’ve been with Jace and that’s exactly where you needed to be. I’m fine, see? Propped up with Dalmore, but otherwise all good.’

‘Have you eaten?’ she asked. ‘Let me fix you a plate of something.’

‘That sounds great,’ I said, stroking her hair. ‘I’m starving.’

We hugged again before she left, heading to the buffet. I watched her go, sorrow in my chest absolutely crippling.

She didn’t deserve any of this, she deserved a decent brother.

At least I was leaving her with two.

* * *

‘Attention everyone!’ Mom inevitably called, tapping her glass with a spoon. The room stilled, quietening down and the crowd turned towards her. ‘I’d like to thank everyone for coming tonight to celebrate the birthdays of two boys very dear to my heart. My beautiful son, Alec,’ she said, smiling at me as a smattering of applause broke out. ‘And our resident vampire, Simon. This party is for them, but it’s also for every single Shadowhunter in New York. For the birthdays we don’t get to celebrate, for the parties we don’t often get time to throw. There are moments that go without acknowledgement because we are the guardians of the human realm, charged with protecting them.’ She paused, clearing her throat. ‘Sometimes this can even lead to us not lavishing the love and attention on our children that we should. So, please raise your glasses and toast with me. To Alec and Simon!’

‘And Max!’ I yelled, as Izzy and the others cheered and whooped. Everyone laughed and clapped. Mom chuckled.

‘All right, to Alec, Simon _and_ Max and everyone who didn’t get a big party on their birthday! We love you all!’

The ballroom broke out into applause once more, birthday music playing. Cakes were wheeled out, the songs were sung and everyone laughed when Simon pushed Max’s head down into his cake, getting a little frosting on his nose. Their playful ways melted my heart. Max would be well cared for; I was sure of it.

After that, the attention was off me and I felt like this was a good time to slip away unseen. I wished there was something I could say to Jace, some kind of apology or way to tell him how much I loved him, but anything I said would sound like goodbye and he knew me too well not to see through it.

Max was opening presents, sat on Jace’s lap while everyone crowded around, smiling and happy. It was the perfect scene, made all the better because I wasn’t in it. I branded the happy image into my brain and quietly left.

* * *

I was a coward and the underlying fear of something going wrong with a gun or being discovered before pills could take effect was enough to convince me that there was only one way to do it.

I went back to the Institute, quietly operating on a skeleton crew. Henson greeted me with a friendly smile and I managed one back before I headed to the rooftop, closing the door behind me. The air was freezing, enough to sober me up a little. It was a cloudy night, no moon visible anywhere. I loosened my tie and removed my jacket, leaving my wallet and other items neatly atop the garment.

If it had to end, I was glad it would be here. There was probably something sick in my choice, that it would hurt Jace more than if I just jumped in front of a train or off of the Brooklyn Bridge, but I knew it needed to be here.

Here, there was _just_ enough comfort for me to go through with it.

I climbed up on the short wall, arms out for balance as I looked down. I’d never had a problem with heights, but it was a little dizzying knowing I was going down there, irreversibly. How long would it take to fall? Five seconds? Maybe ten?

There wasn’t any other way, though. I could delay it a few days, a few weeks. It didn’t matter. I would never be able to live with myself after what I’d done.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

‘I’m so sorry, Jace.’

* * *

_‘Are you sure this is a secret?’ Jace asked suspiciously as I led him out onto the rooftop for the first time. ‘It doesn’t look secret at all.’_

_‘No one ever comes out here,’ I assured him._

_‘Except you?’_

_‘Yeah.’_

_He looked around. It was almost dark, the sun setting over the high-rise horizon, thickly outlined clouds setting the sky alight._ _‘It’s nice,’ he said. ‘It’d be cool to bring girls up here, actually.’_

_I frowned._ _‘You can’t bring girls up here.’_

_‘Why not?’_

_‘Because,’ I replied cleverly. ‘This is…boys only.’_

_Jace snorted._ _‘Sounds pretty gay.’_

_‘Well,’ I shrugged. ‘That’s narrow minded as fuck, but sure.’_

_He rolled his eyes._ _‘I’m kidding. It’s nice, I like it. Do you come up here a lot?’_

_‘Sometimes,’ I said. ‘It’s quiet.’_

_‘Yeah,’ Jace agreed, getting close to the edge. ‘Feels almost like you’re invisible, doesn’t it?’_

_I hung back, watched him adoringly._ _‘Yeah, it does.’_

_‘OK,’ he said, swinging his legs over the side of the wall and sitting there. He patted the wall beside him. ‘This can be our secret place.’_

_Immensely pleased, I sat beside him._ _‘Cool.’_

_‘This can be the place where if we can’t find each other, we’ll be here,’ he explained. ‘Like if I go missing, check here first.’_

_I couldn_ _’t imagine not being able to find Jace, but I nodded anyway. ‘Good idea.’_

_‘Everyone needs a place like that,’ he went on. ‘Like in the movies, someone always knows where to find the person, in a special place.’_

_‘Yeah, this can our special place.’_

_Jace looked up at the sky._ _‘The moon can be our secret keeper.’_

_I stared at him, the gentle light from above highlighting his perfect features._ _‘Sounds good to me.’_

_‘OK, you go first.’_

_I blinked._ _‘What?’_

_‘Tell me a secret and the moon will keep it.’_

_‘Oh,’ I said, looking away. ‘Um. I don’t think I have any.’_

_‘If you don’t tell me a secret, this can’t be our secret place,’ he insisted. ‘C’mon, tell me something, I’ll tell you one if you do!’_

_I tried to think._ _‘Right, OK, I uh…Sometimes, I’m jealous of you.’_

_He obviously wasn_ _’t expecting that. His face wrinkled in confusion. ‘What do you mean?’_

_Be honest, Alec._ _‘Sometimes, I feel really jealous of your abilities, your confidence and your…your looks.’_

_‘Why?’ he asked incredulously. ‘You’re insanely talented and all the girls want you!’_

_I shrugged._ _‘You wanted a secret.’_

_‘OK,’ he said, wrapping an arm around me. ‘It’s a stupid secret, but I’ll take it. The moon will keep it for all time, no one will ever know.’_

_‘Your turn,’ I prompted._

_‘My secret is that I wish I’d known you all my life.’_

_My jaw dropped, floored by his quick response and the way he_ _’d said it, like he didn’t even have to think about it._

_‘That’s…why?’_

_‘Because I would have been happy all my life, not just the last two years.’ He smiled at me then, open and beautiful._

_I would never know the exact moment I_ _’d fallen in love with Jace Herondale, but that the was moment I realised I was already in love with him. The moment I knew it wasn’t just a crush or brotherly feelings. I was hardcore in love with him and it would never pass, never ease off or fade. That was my secret._

_I looked at the moon, bright and full, and sent the secret up there, hoping it would land on the dark side, so no one would ever see it._

_‘So sappy,’ I teased, nudging him gently._

_‘Just being honest,’ he said, resting his head on my shoulder. ‘Thank you for bringing me up here.’_

_I couldn_ _’t help it, I pressed my lips to his hair for the first time and allowed myself to breathe in his scent, imagining things that would never be._

_‘Thank you for letting me.’_

* * *

‘I’m so sorry, Jace,’ I said, eyes closed, body and mind detached from each other. I allowed myself to picture that last image of them all together and happy. I held onto it tightly, telling myself it was time to fall forward now. Everything would be all right once I did.

But a voice I would know anywhere shattered the happy image.

‘Alec, what the fuck are you doing?’

* * *

_A/N - I'm such a liar, I always say it'll be up soon and it never is. I'm super sorry, my only offering is that this chapter is once again pretty long. I do however promise, with confidence, that this is the LAST dark and upsetting chapter (at least to this extent) of this story. Things will start to get better soon. The delay was in part due to my book, which is coming along well (hence the delay lol!) but I know exactly what's happening in the next chapter so I'm hopeful at least that there will be less of a wait._

_Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to comment. It fucking makes my entire day, really. Thank you._

_Sorry if this was upsetting or triggering for anyone, I put a warning up top but if it needs to be more specific, please let me know._


	18. Chapter Eighteen: You Can't Cut It, You Don't Even Have Scissors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a LONG chapter, over 18000 words. I suggest you have some snacks on hand.  
> I dedicate this monster of a chapter to SelfInduced, who gifted me the most amazing Jalec fic, called Aught But Death, which everyone should read.

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**-You Can** **’t Cut It, You Don’t Even Have Scissors-**

_‘The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out,_  
_You left me in the dark._  
_No dawn, no day, I_ _’m always in this twilight,_  
_In the shadow of your heart._  
_I took the stars from eyes and made a map,_  
_I knew that somehow; I could find my back._  
_Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too,  
_ _So, I stayed in the darkness with you._ _’_

_\- Florence and the Machine_

**Alec**

****

_Inside the rings of fire, where our family watched, Jace and I stood together. The moment had come, our decision to bind ourselves together for all time. This was the last time I would ever be alone, really alone. Despite the implications, I was trembling with anticipation._

_‘Are you ready?’ he asked, eyes bright with excitement and love._

_There was still a part of me that wanted to say no. No, I wasn’t ready to attach myself to him in a way that would preclude us from ever being more than best friends, more than brothers. No, I wasn’t ready to lock Jace into me, when the feelings I had for him were less than pure. Jace deserved better and I knew that._

_But I weak and selfish and I loved him more than anything in the world._

_‘Yeah, let’s do it.’_

_Both shirtless, with steles in hand, we moved towards each other._

_Together, we began to speak the words we’d memorised._

_‘Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee,’ we said together, eyes locked upon each other. The fire around us made it so that I forgot anyone else even there, witnessing our Parabatai ritual. ‘For wither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.’_

_He smiled at me, taking a breath to continue as we spoke in perfect synchronisation._

_‘Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.’_

_The oath complete, we moved to each other, each holding a stele to draw a rune that would never fade for anything less than death._

_‘Wait,’ he whispered and my heart tightened painfully. Oh God, he didn’t want to do it, didn’t want to be my Parabatai. ‘Can we… I know we spoke about putting the runes on our backs, but…’ he took a deep, nervous breath. ‘I want mine to be here.’_

_Hand over his heart, he waited for me to speak._

_‘You do?’_

_‘Yes,’ he said softly. ‘It belongs here, I can feel it.’_

_I swallowed thickly. ‘Mine too.’_

_‘Good,’ he said, eyes locked onto me. ‘Draw mine first.’_

_Close enough that I could feel the heat of his body, I drew the rune carefully and with precision onto the skin over his heart. He stared at me the whole time, our faces close enough that if I leaned even a fraction closer, our noses would have touched._

_When his was done, he braced a hand on my shoulder and began to draw mine with his stele. The rune burned a little, but as soon as he was done, I felt this deep, strong tug of something locking into place. My soul tore and stretched, latching onto his. He held me tightly, never letting go the entire time._

_When it settled at last, I opened my eyes and felt him._

_He let out a breathy, astounded laugh. ‘You’re inside me.’_

_‘And you in me,’ I replied, lost in the wondrous feeling of him. His soul, his essence, it was all connected to me._

_‘Now you can’t ever leave me,’ he whispered, but there was no trace of it being a joke._

_I hugged him as our family applauded happily, the circles of fire dissipating._

_‘I wouldn’t even try,’ I breathed, holding him tight._

* * *

It wasn’t real, I just had to pretend it wasn’t real. My mind playing tricks on me, some latent survival instinct kicking in. It wasn’t really him.

Only I knew that it was, because I could feel him, just _barely_ , but enough to know it was my Parabatai standing behind me. I should have done a better job of seeming like I was fine, should have left later.

Fuck.

‘Go away, Jace,’ I said, not moving, keeping my eyes closed. ‘Go back to the party.’

‘Oh, yeah,’ he said lightly, but with a hard edge. ‘I’ll just fuck off, shall I? Leave you to it? Get down right the hell now!’

 _‘Please_ just go back to the family. Go back to Max and Izzy.’

‘Alec, what _the fuck_ are you doing? Are you seriously…? Look, just get down and we can talk, all right? Get down _now!_ ’

I opened my eyes, the world patiently waiting for me. In the distance, I could taste approaching rain. The thick clouds from earlier were merging to obscure the remaining rays of sunlight. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I told him, weakly. ‘I should have waited longer to leave.’

‘I knew something was wrong,’ he was saying carefully, soft footfalls indicating his approach. ‘But I didn’t know it was whatever the fuck this is. Alec, what are you _doing_? Talk to me!’

‘Jace,’ I warned. ‘You can’t stop me doing this. Even if you do, I’ll just do it a different way, another time. This is how it has to be. Please don’t take my choice away from me.’

‘I’m not,’ he said calmly, but I could sense a note of panic. ‘I just want you to tell me why you’re doing this. Am I not even worthy of that?’

I should have jumped by now. He was stalling and I knew it. I exhaled forcefully, curling my toes and clenching my fists. It was the right thing to do, the _only_ thing to do. If I could just keep my body and mind detached long enough, I could do it.

Eyes closed again, I was about to lean forward and give in to the chasm of gravity beneath me, when I heard a scuffle on my right.

Jace jumped up on the ledge beside me, balancing precariously. Before I could say or do anything, he grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine.

‘Fuck, that’s so high,’ he muttered. When I tried to pull free, he wobbled dangerously and my heart lurched. ‘I really don’t want to fall,’ he said, regaining his shaky balance. ‘But this is the only way it’s fair.’

‘Get down, Jace!’

‘There’s no point,’ he said implacably. ‘If you go, I’ll have to follow you down anyway and I don’t think I deserve to see you die first, even if it’s only a couple of seconds before.’

‘You don’t _deserve_ any of this,’ I said, voice cracking. ‘Please…’

‘Tell me what’s happening, Alec,’ Jace said and it wasn’t really a request. ‘Don’t let us both die without even having spoken one last time.’

‘You’re not going to die!’

He snapped. ‘Then get down off the fucking ledge and talk to me!’

It was so tempting. More than anything, I wanted to explain how sorry I was. How much I loved him and that _none_ of this was his fault. I wanted to do that face to face, but it was dangerous. He would say anything to keep me safe, even after what I did to him.

That knowledge most of all sat heavy in the back of my mind. He would do _anything_ to stop me, even lie. The metallic taste in the air increased, rain only minutes away. I should have jumped the second I’d heard his voice.

‘I… I can’t live with myself.’

‘Why not?’

‘Not after what happened.’

‘What do you mean?’ he asked sharply. There was a long, drawn out moment of silence before he said, ‘You remember, don’t you?’

‘I don’t remember everything, but I went to a Medium. She told me the basics. I even had a fucking demon point out I wasn’t a virgin anymore, that I’m not _pure,_ _’_ I chuckled humourlessly. ‘Ain’t that the fucking truth?’

‘Alec, I should have told you.’

‘No wonder the other part of me sold his memories. I can’t even live with the knowledge of it, let alone imagining it and seeing it, reliving it! Just knowing what I did… I can’t live with that, Jace. It’s destroying me and I have to _let_ _it_ destroy me. Please don’t ask me to live with it because I can’t.’

For a while, we were both silent, processing what I’d said. I couldn’t look at him, so I stared out at the city, watching the approaching storm. Each moment that passed was unbearable. The knowledge of what I did to him sickened me down to my bones. His hand in mine felt so undeserved.

‘OK,’ Jace said, like he was trying to stay calm. ‘Alec, I need you to listen to me here, please?’

‘You’re just going to lie.’

‘I’m not, all right? I fucking _swear_ it! Just… please hear me out.’

‘Will you let go of my hand?’

‘No.’

‘I don’t want to risk you like this.’

‘Well, tough! Hear me out and then I’ll let go.’

It was the best I could hope for in that moment. ‘Fine. I’m listening.’

‘I should have told you about us, what happened between us and I’m so sorry.’

Jaw clenched, I snapped, ‘Don’t say you’re sorry!’

‘Don’t _interrupt_! I was terrified of telling you and so…fuck, I was just so ashamed, Alec. I couldn’t bear to say it and see you realise what happened and I knew - I _fucking knew -_ that even though you weren’t mentally present for it, that you’d blame yourself and be disgusted. But,’ he took a breath. ‘The truth is that it’s my fault.’

‘Stop this now,’ I said tightly. ‘Just stop. I won’t listen to you blame yourself.’

‘I’m not blaming myself; believe me, there’s blame on both sides, OK? We never talk about things when we should and we bottle everything up. But the reason you’re standing here, the _reason_ you can’t live with yourself… that was my fault and not yours.’

I shook my head, unable to believe he would put himself so low. ‘How can you even say that? Like you were _asking for it_? Like that somehow makes it all right?’

It began to rain softly when he said, ‘I wanted it, Alec. I’m sorry you’re this upset and you have every right to be disgusted, but I’ve loved you for so long that I didn’t question it. I should have and I didn’t, I just…let it happen.’

A surge of anger split right through the numb walls keeping mind and body apart. I yanked us both backwards off the wall, stumbling to regain my footing on the flat rooftop. I released him right away, but he didn’t miss his chance to crowd me back, further from the edge.

‘Is this how much I’ve broken you?’ I yelled; voice unsteady as I pushed him away. ‘Or are you just lying to appease me? Keep me here? _WHY_? HOW CAN YOU EVEN STAND TO LOOK AT ME?’

Jace punched me in the face. Pain exploded across my cheek, through my jaw.

‘HOW CAN I STAND TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU?’ he screamed. ‘You selfish fucking bastard, you _swore_ you would never leave me and this is how you keep a promise?’

Hand on my face, I shook my head. ‘What don’t you understand? I cannot live with myself!’

‘Then neither should I, by the same logic, right? You want to jump together? Because that’s the reality you’re leaving me with!’ He furiously closed the gap between us as the rain intensified. ‘You think I can live in this world without you?’ he demanded, voice shaking all over the place. ‘You think there even _is_ a world without you?’

‘There has to be.’

He was adamant. ‘There never will be and we both know it! Will you really leave me behind like this, with nothing to do but follow you?’

‘Don’t you dare even think—!’

‘Without you, there is nothing but pain and isolation and self-destruction!’

 _‘Because_ of me!’ I was quick to insist. ‘Because of what I did!’

‘Why do you get all the blame? I was the one in the room, you weren’t even fucking there! It was _my_ fault, mine!’ he emitted jaggedly, smacking a hand to his chest. ‘You’re about to jump off the fucking roof because of what we did, but I _chose_ to do that with you, fucking twice while we’re at it!’

‘You’re lying,’ I said, blinking through the rain. ‘This is all lies.’

‘I’m not lying!’ he snarled, his temper like an exposed live wire. ‘If the bond wasn’t so broken, you’d be able to feel it!’

‘Why can’t you just be _honest_ with me?’ Jace shook his head, rain pouring heavily around us now.

His upper lip curled, eyes darkening. ‘You want some honesty before you fucking _kill yourself?_ All right, how’s this? I’m in love with you!’

I turned away, clamping my hands over my ears. ‘Oh no, no, no.’

He didn’t let me go, though. Yanked me back, pulling my hands away. I struggled to be free, but he held me tight, determined to make himself heard.

‘You think this is how I want to tell you?’ he yelled, shaking me. ‘I’m in love with you, Alec, so fucking beyond in love, and if you go over the side of that wall, you will be taking me with you!’

‘Stop,’ I pleaded weakly, tears stinging my eyes. ‘Just stop it.’

‘If anyone is to blame for what happened between us,’ he said, shouting to be heard over the rain as the first rumble of thunder echoed from above. ‘It’s me, Alec! I could have stopped it, but I didn’t! I let it happen between us, knowing how much it would upset you, but I was selfish and weak!’

His hands were still holding mine in place, keeping me with him. Through skin to skin contact, I could just about feel a distant echo of his emotions. _Fear, guilt, worry, anguish, shame._

Lightning flashed, turning the world bright for a second before it reverted back to the natural darkness all around.

‘You’re not weak and you’re not selfish. Even now, you’re trying to save me, but you need to understand… I don’t _want_ you to save me this time. I can’t live in this world after what I did to you, please don’t try and make it bearable because it never will be.’

Jace wrenched his hands away, such _betrayal_ in his eyes. ‘Tell me why!’

‘I already—’

‘Tell me _why_ you can’t live, knowing that we were together? Tell me what about that you can’t bear?’

‘Jace, please.’

‘If you want my permission to jump, you’re gonna have to say it,’ he spat, livid and sharp. ‘Say it to my face.’

‘Say what?’

‘SAY YOU’RE DISGUSTED THAT IT WAS ME! TELL ME THAT YOU WOULD RATHER _DIE_ THAN LIVE, KNOWING YOU SLEPT WITH ME!’

His words echoed briefly and the silence that followed was broken only by lightning splitting the sky and the thunder that followed helplessly. ‘You’re so stupid!’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah, you’re a fucking idiot if you think this will work!’

‘You wanna jump? Then tell me the _reason_!’

‘I don’t need your fucking permission to end my own life!’

‘You do when it’s my life you’re ending at the same time!’

‘Don’t _say that!_ _’_

‘Why, because it’s true? Tell me!’

‘You want the reason?’

‘Yes, you _owe_ me the reason!’

‘You want me to say it, out loud, huh?’

‘YES!’

‘I CANNOT LIVE IN THIS WORLD KNOWING THAT I RAPED YOU!’

The words tore from my throat, the loudest I’d ever screamed anything. Hearing myself really say it made me even more desperate to die. I looked away from him, disgusted with myself, wishing I didn’t exist.

‘Wh-what?’

‘I hurt you and I took from you what you would not willingly give,’ I croaked, throat raw. ‘Maybe there are people who can endure after they do something that, but I can’t. Don’t you understand, Jace? I _want_ to die. This isn’t some bullshit about honour. I _want_ to die after for I did to you.’

‘No, wait, I don’t….’

‘You deserved so much better than me. Ever since you came to us, you deserved someone better. I should have killed myself the first time I realised I love you this way.’

When I stupidly chanced a look at him, his face was frozen in shock, eyes wide and jaw slack.

‘You think you raped me,’ he breathed. ‘Oh my God!’

This would never end. He would never admit it, never be really honest because if he was, it would mean losing his Parabatai and Jace was too good to ever let anyone go. His own failure to act was his worst nightmare, he could never stand idly by.

It was pointless. Everything was pointless and each moment I was forced to stand there, seeing him fucking _prostrate_ himself to try and save me, was untold agony.

I wiped rain from my eyes. ‘I’ve heard you out, now _leave_ , like you promised.’

‘Alec,’ he said, throwing his hands up in a placatory gesture. _‘Alec_ , tell me what you think you did.’

‘I can’t,’ I said and began to walk towards the edge once more. ‘I can’t even think about it. Please stop talking to me, Jace.’

‘Wait!’ he yelled. ‘Just fucking _hold up_ a second, OK? We’ve been discussing two completely separate things!’

I shook my head. ‘I’m not listening to you anymore.’

‘Do you seriously think you could do that to me?’ For the first time, Jace actually sounded disgusted. ‘Do you think you - _any_ variation of yourself - could do that?’

‘I heard you say it, Jace.’

He swallowed hard. ‘That’s my fault, I should have told you everything that happened right from the start, but fucking hell, Alec! What if I hadn’t come up here? You’d be dead now for nothing!’ There was a wild edge of hysteria in his voice.

I was close enough to the ledge now that if I threw myself sideways, I would go over. It was still a long way down.

‘You’re just trying to protect me, like you always have.’

‘I’m trying to stop you killing yourself for something you _didn_ _’t even do_!’

‘So, you weren’t raped, then? I heard you say it to Izzy!’

After a painfully long moment of silence, he dragged his hands through his hair and nodded. ‘You’re right about that. I was raped.’

Sickness and absolute self-loathing lurched violently. This was it. The moment had come full circle. He wouldn’t like it; he might even be devastated but it had to be done. No turning back. I tried to pretend he wasn’t there, made myself look down as I took another step towards the edge.

‘It wasn’t you!’ Jace yelled, stepping back into my peripheral vision. ‘It was… fuck, it was three guys from Sang’s on a night where I went there alone and got drunk. Not you. Fucking _never_ you, you moron!’

Another flash of lightning lit up the sky. The thunder was instantaneous, this time, the storm directly above us. It was so loud, the thunder reverberated inside my chest.

‘You’re lying.’

‘I fucking am not! It wasn’t you; not _you_ you or _other_ you, understand? _You_ ,’ he said, inching closer. ‘Would never do that to me, no matter which part of you it was.’

‘You’re a good liar, Jace, how am I meant to trust this?’

‘Well, it’s just a suggestion but you could come _away_ from the ledge and let me prove it to you? Please, Alec, I’m begging you!’

‘If this is a lie to keep me safe, it won’t do any good. I can’t live in a world where I’ve hurt you like that. I won’t.’

The rain didn’t let up. I stared determinedly down at the people running around below, little ants scampering away to seek warmth.

‘I know that and I would never ask you to, but Alec… how can you even _think_ you did this?’

‘The things you said-’

‘It wasn’t about _that_! It was about us, we…’ his breath gave out, shaking his head angrily. ‘Here it is, all right? Here’s what I should have told you straight away.’ My Parabatai straightened his back, face turned up into the rain and the storm. ‘Alec, when you weren’t yourself, we slept together.’

I pushed my dripping hair back with numb, cold hands. ‘What do you mean?’

‘We slept together as in, we had sex. I didn’t know it wasn’t you, or at least not _entirely_ you, and we slept together. Henson was right about everything. Every single thing he said was true.’

‘If this is a lie, it’s a cruel one.’

He laughed bitterly. ‘You think that makes it look somehow _better_ for me? To have to admit that I basically _raped you_? You weren’t of sound mind, weren’t even fucking _there_ , Alec! I took your virginity, for God’s sake and you’re the one out here on a ledge?! Fuck you for being so stupid and believing, even for a second, that you were capable of something like that!’

‘So, that’s what happened between us?’ I asked doubtfully, not letting any measure of hope really touch me. ‘That’s why the distance?’

‘I was dreading you finding out,’ he explained in a rush. ‘I thought if enough time passed, I’d be able to cope with explaining it, but even now it kills me to admit it.’

‘Let’s say you’re telling the truth—’

‘I _am_ telling the truth!’

‘—I don’t have any concrete reason to believe you, only your word.’

 _‘Alexander_ ,’ he growled, dragging my full name out for purposes of extreme seriousness. ‘You did _not_ do this to me! What is even wrong with you for thinking you had? Christ, I thought _I_ was wreck! Do you really hate yourself that much?’

‘I could feel your pain,’ I told him. ‘Everything I’ve seen and heard _still_ leads me to believe—’

‘Well, it’s all fucking bullshit!’ he snapped. ‘We hurt each other all the time but you would never do that to me, I know it as sure I know we’re both going to get rotten colds from this fucking rain!’

He was trying so hard to stabilise the situation, to make it seem like tomorrow we’d be wrapped in blankets, eating chicken soup and laughing about how I almost threw myself off of the roof because I believed, heart and soul, that I was capable of raping the person I loved most in the world.

‘None of this feels real,’ I said, slowly shaking my head.

As sadness began to infiltrate the icy interior I’d constructed to allow me to self-destruct, Jace advanced, perhaps sensing weakness. We’d been here so many times, comforting each other. The memories were built into the concrete, the love devotion soaked into every part of this place.

‘You didn’t hurt me,’ he said, barely inches away now. ‘You didn’t, I _swear_. Please believe me, Alec. Take my hand. Touch me and you’ll know I’m telling you the truth!’

He offered it to me, eyes pleading. I was so lost and he was my lighthouse, showing me the way home, but the dark seas beckoned still.

‘I couldn’t feel it before,’ I said in a low voice. ‘The bond between us, it’s almost broken completely.’

‘So kiss me, then.’

A shock went through me. _‘What_?’

He was dangerously close now. Jace had always been dangerous to my composure, drunk or sober he threatened to be the ruin of me. ‘Kiss me and you’ll feel it,’ he said, sending a bolt of _de ja vu_ down my spine. ‘You wanted proof; I can give it to you. The bond is only weak like this because the memories are gone. We haven’t reconnected, we _need_ to reconnect and then you’ll know everything I do!’

‘We don’t have to kiss for that, do we?’

His stare was unflinching. ‘You wanna know for sure or not? I don’t have a soul sword lying around. When we kissed before, I could feel everything. If I’m lying, you’ll be able to feel it and then it won’t matter anyway, will it?’

I was weak. I was always, _always_ weak when it came to Jace Herondale. What did it matter anymore? Nothing mattered unless he could show me that I hadn’t done that monstrous thing to him.

‘If this a trick,’ I said quietly. ‘And you let me kiss you just to save me…’

‘I would _never_ do that to you. Please.’

All around us, the natural world was in perfect turmoil. Positive and negative charges sparking within clouds, making great, tearing claws of lightning that split the sky. Rain poured, drowning the earth and the wind howled bitterly.

 _Kissing him is not weakness_ , said a dark voice, quietly. _Be strong, for once._

I leaned down, tipped his face up to mine and kissed him.

* * *

**Jace**

I feared seeing family hurt. I feared turning cold and cruel, like Valentine. I feared the future and what kind of man I would become, when twisted to such an extent in younger years.

But I’d _never_ felt fear like this; all that I’d feared before was nothing to seeing Alec on that ledge, arms thrown wide, about to fall. That would forever stand as my greatest fear for all time. I knew I would have nightmares about it for years to come. That image forever branded into me.

When he bent to kiss me, I prayed to any God in existence that he would _feel_ I was finally telling him the truth. Body taut, mind a tangled mess of terror and heartbreak, I leaned in to meet him.

There was no sudden jolt of reconnection when his lips met mine. I could feel our bond stir, feel it try and raise itself from the depths of distance and misuse.

 _Find me_ , I willed him. _Seek me out._

He began to draw away, so disappointed, and in absolute panic, I wrapped my arms tight around his neck, keeping him there. Helplessly, I slanted my mouth and tried to deepen the kiss, flicking my tongue over his closed lips, begging for entry.

 _Let me in, let me show you, let me bring you home_.

Clumsily, I pushed my hand under his shirt, seeking out the Parabatai rune. Hand firmly on the rune branded into his wet, cold skin, something pulsed. A little more life breathed back into the connection and I kept the truth at the forefront of my mind.

_I love you, I love you, I_ _’m sorry, you could never hurt me, see? See how you didn’t hurt me, Alec? I’m the one who was weak and couldn’t control myself, not you, never you!_

With difficulty, I controlled what few memories I did have of everything about the assault. I didn’t own the full memories, they were gone forever, but the knowledge of it, stark images of the three men were there and so was the memory of the _other_ Alec, crying and telling me over and over that he was sorry.

 _I_ _’m here, don’t be afraid, you did everything you could. You have to stay with me, Alec, if you leave, I won’t survive. We have to be together always,_ always _. Never leave me, never even think of it!_

He let out a small sob, his mouth opening and I didn’t hesitate. I slid my tongue gently over his, free hand running through his soaked hair, falling into him.

_Come back to me, I_ _’ve always been here, we’re not meant to be apart, can’t you feel it too? Every moment we’re apart makes us vulnerable, we have to be together in every way, you feel that, don’t you?_

His arms circled around my waist, drawing me into him and even though he was shaking uncontrollably, breathing shallowly, I knew it was working.

 _We_ _’re two pieces of the same object, split down the middle and misshapen over time, but we still fit together, see how we fit together, Alec. We_ are _the bond; our soul is one and the same. I am you and you are me; we_ _’re made to fit together._

The memories shifted and I immersed myself in our first time together. The desperation to meld myself to him, to have him inside me, to shed the skin that separated us and finally, _fucking finally,_ know what it was to be whole. The images were brought to life as the bond became stronger, rebuilding itself and sewing us closer. It was strange to _feel_ him experience those memories second hand.

I thought of the second time in the apartment, played the moment over and over where he released the barrier between us; self-made and maintained to stop us bleeding into each other. Alec had always had that power, not me. He was still holding back, even now. Still unwilling to release his remaining doubt, unable to accept that he was blameless and _good_ and everything I’d ever wanted.

‘Let go,’ I muttered, breathing the words into him. ‘Let it all go, Alec.’

His resistance intensified, he held on to the one last shred of rotting doubt in himself. _Maybe_ he did that terrible thing, _maybe_ he hurt me, _maybe_ he really was as sick as he’d always believed, wanting me in the way that he did.

_Let it all go now, I_ _’m right here with you and everything is fine. Let it go and you’ll see, let it go and you’ll feel what we’re meant to be together._

I showed him every moment of our time in those missing weeks. I showed him how he tricked me, how he manipulated me into believing he was himself. I showed him everything because keeping secrets had almost _cost me_ everything. I showed him how other Alec had cared for me. How even the darker part of himself had done everything he could for me.

I let him see everything, nothing held back. 

When he let go, it hit like a tsunami.

The last piece of resistance broke and folded under the weight of the bond, demanding to take its place once more between us, inside us both.

The force of it took my breath away, I had to break the kiss but it didn’t matter now. Skin to skin did not dictate the strength of the bond anymore.

‘Oh my God,’ he groaned, clutching at me. ‘I can feel… _everything_!’

‘You see now?’ I gasped, gently running my hand down the side of his face as the bond took hold, irreversible and unstoppable.

‘I-I see it,’ he managed, slowly opening his eyes. His dark pupils were wide, breathing laboured. I was drowning in him and he in me. Between us, the bond consumed any remaining fragments of our soul that were not completely joined. The feeling was so intense, I had trouble focusing. I removed my hand from his Parabatai rune, tightly holding the drenched material of his shirt.

‘You would never do that,’ I said, voice cracking on the last word.

When at last, he believed me, Alec began to cry. His knees gave out and I tried to catch him, but he brought me down with him, wrapped up in each other as we were. He dropped his head into his hands and I held him while he cried.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he wept, painfully reminiscent of _before_. He had my memories inside him now, everything was so tangled, and I had his memories too. All his loneliness this last week, the painful, stabbing suspicion that he’d hurt me somehow, the crushing despair when he incorrectly pieced together a picture that would lead him to this place with the intention of ending his life.

I was crying as well, I realised belatedly. There was too much emotion; a massive unstoppable swell building within. The bond had never been this strong, especially without Alec to hold it back as he had the last time.

‘I love you,’ I told him, face pressed into the back of his neck. ‘I love you so much.’

When he straightened, I was ready to tell him again how much I loved him, how deeply I was _in_ love with him, it was all there waiting to spill out. But he didn’t give me a chance.

Like it was the only thing that could to stop him from dying, he grabbed my face, desperately planting his mouth against mine. There was no guile in it, no attempt to impress. I felt how much he needed me because it mirrored my own need. Clinging to each other, we kissed with wayward abandon. It didn’t even really feel like kissing, just a closer point of contact. Contact was deeply necessary, anything less than the feel of him plastered against me left an aching void inside my chest.

And as we kissed, the bond sang. Pure, unbridled joy wove itself into the fabric of our soul because finally, _finally_ , we were right where we were meant to be.

Something burned on my skin, my Parabatai rune. I barely felt it in comparison to the whirlpool of _loveyouneedyoucloserdeeper._ I wanted to dissolve into him, but wait, no… that was _Alec_ who felt that way. Our feelings bled together, freely flowing back and forth, mixing like paints on a palette, never able to separate again.

We would always be this way. No untangling now. No secrets, nowhere to hide.

‘Please say it,’ he begged softly. I slowed my breathing so I had the chance of letting my brain catch up with my body. The sight of him made that difficult, though.

‘I’m in love with you,’ I said, giving him what I knew he needed. I stroked his hair, his face, dragging my thumb over his bottom lip. ‘So in love.’

His counterpart had wanted to hear the same thing. There was something reassuring in that. If I focused, I could _feel_ that part of him, still there, inside us both now, brought into the light of acceptance.

‘Jace,’ he said, thickly. ‘I don’t think we can ever go back.’

There _was_ no going back, we both knew it. I could feel the rain on his neck, he could feel the gritty surface of the roof beneath my knees.

Dragging him back to me because distance was unbearable, I pressed my forehead to his and let my eyes flutter shut. ‘I don’t want to go back.’

* * *

**Izzy**

‘Did you find them?’

Simon scratched the back his neck.

‘I did, yeah.’

‘And they’re OK?’

‘They seemed… very much OK,’ he answered, eyebrows quirking.

‘Were they arguing?’

‘They were not.’

A flare of irritation had me crossing my arms. ‘Why are you hedging?’

‘I am not _hedging_ ,’ Simon explained calmly. ‘You wanted to make sure they were fine and they appeared to be fine.’

I narrowed my eyes, but reluctantly let it drop. ‘All right, if they’re fine then that’s good. I don’t want to pry any more than that. They’re adults, they can sort things out between themselves.’

‘You don’t mean that,’ he said adoringly.

Exhaling sharply, I confessed ‘No, I don’t! I want to go and supervise everything, make sure they’re really talking and not just plastering over cracks in the foundation. _But_ I have to trust them and let them communicate without interference.’

‘Izzy,’ he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. ‘That’s wise, trust me.’

I swerved my focus elsewhere. They’d be fine without me, they _usually_ were. I hoped they were talking properly. They were so bad at communicating sometimes. 

With a deep breath, I turned on the coffee machine, gathering mugs. ‘So, did you enjoy your party?’

Simon smiled, all his attention on me as I hopped up onto the countertop. The split in the side of my dress was put to the test, legs swinging ever so slightly.

‘There were highlights, sure.’

‘Such as?’

‘You in that dress. Your Mom telling me if I hurt you, she would eviscerate me and scatter my remains across New Jersey. Seeing Alec and Jace ah, making up. You in that dress. Y’know, standard party stuff. The balloons were nice, too.’

‘You like balloons, huh?’

‘Balloons are just really cool. I feel like in another life, I would have been happy to be that guy on the street corner selling the big, shiny helium ones.’

I couldn’t help but smile. ‘I’m sorry about my Mom, though. I don’t know why she said that.’

His expression softened, moving into my personal space where he was very much welcome. ‘Because she loves you,’ he said, like it was obvious. ‘And although she raised a tough, unstoppable Shadowhunter, you’re also her daughter.’

I pulled him closer, my knees against his thighs.

‘What did you say to her?’

‘I told her the truth. That you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever known and also the coolest, sweetest and bravest. I said I could live a thousand years and never know anyone like Isabelle Lightwood.’

‘You did _not_ say that.’

His gaze didn’t waver. ‘I did. Then, after she warned me about hurting you, I told her the truth; it wasn’t possible for me to hurt you because I love you too much.’

My heart stopped, throat catching. ‘What?’

Simon’s hands slid up my forearms and planed across my shoulders to gently cup my face.

‘I know telling your Mom before you is probably not so sexy,’ he said, staring at me with an intensity that belied his tone. ‘But I’m actually not a very sexy guy, so that’s how it went down. Now that I have you here, and for once the world _isn_ _’t_ ending, I love you, Izzy.’

I swallowed, barely breathing. ‘You realise you probably just jinxed the next Armageddon into starting, right?’

He brushed my hair back fondly, dark eyes glittering. ‘I’ll take the risk. You’re more than worth it.’

‘Because you love me?’

‘Because I love you.’

I bit my lip, curling my hands into the hair at the nape of his neck. ‘Do you expect me to say it back?’

‘No,’ he said with a patient and rather smitten smile. ‘I know how you feel about me. You don’t need to say anything.’

The machine needed attention, but I was mesmerised by him. Caught in that beautiful, perfect moment. This was what it felt like to be the centre of someone’s world.

‘That _was_ actually pretty sexy,’ I said, slowly wrapping my legs around him.

His lips hovered over mine as he whispered, ‘I have my moments.’

* * *

**Jace**

Reality wasn’t high on our list of priorities, but eventually sitting in the middle of a monsoon in October became unbearable, despite the heat I felt inside.

‘C’mon,’ Alec said, sensing my discomfort as though it were his own. ‘We should get inside.’ He pulled me up, knees aching and body temperature low, but it didn’t matter. I held onto him, unwilling to let go now or ever again, really. The storm was worsening, wind picking up and now that the intensity of the bond was relaxing into a permanent state, I realised I was freezing.

Together we gathered his things from a sad little pile. I didn’t want to think about that too much, the way he’d folded his jacket, the way things were arranged.

He felt my heartache and soothed it the only way that made sense, by kissing me, dropping the jacket and phone in the process.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, planting small, intimate kisses on my lips, around my mouth and on my nose. ‘Forgive me.’

 _No need to forgive_ , I thought, checking to see if he could still hear me that way.

 _I love you so much_ , he replied, gifting me a much longer, deeper kiss before, then quickly crouching to gather his ruined items.

We made our way inside quietly, closing the door on the raging storm. I felt like we were children again, sneaking back to our room, hoping not to get caught. Except we were adults now, we could do whatever we liked.

Well, not _whatever_ we liked.

That could wait though. Fuck the Clave and the Council. We had given enough to earn one night of happiness, at least.

‘Your room?’ he suggested quietly, dripping loudly as our shoes squeaked on the marble floors.

‘Yours,’ I said. ‘Yours feels like home.’

 _You_ are _home. Right here is where you belong._

His hand tightened on mine, biting his bottom lip to contain a shy smile. We made it through the hallways - we’d have known our way blindfolded - and past the quiet skeleton crew, still manning HQ while everyone else presumably partied the night away.

Once inside his bedroom, something came over me again. A hot, dense wave of needy desire swam in my head, circling down into my body and I needed Alec like I had never needed anything before in my life.

I pushed him against the door to close it and kissed him like I owned him. He couldn’t help but return it, he wanted me the same way I wanted him. There was almost no divide, then. Barely any sense of structure to remind me that I was Jace and he was Alec and we weren’t just _us._

‘Wait,’ he said, gently threading his hands through my wet hair. ‘You’re cold.’

I laughed, rubbing my nose against his. ‘I am, well observed.’

A flicker of hesitation from him drew my attention. As I investigated it, afraid he was having second thoughts or something, I realised he was simply worried about undressing me, even for purposes of making me warm.

‘It’s OK,’ I said, cupping his face. ‘If I want you to stop, I know you will. You’ll be able to feel it. You won’t be able to _not_ feel it.’

Alec closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘Jace, I’m so sorry.’

Stroking his cheek. ‘I know you are. We’re together now, that’s… that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Nothing can come between us, nothing ever will.’

‘But—’

This time I kissed him to shut him up. I let him feel everything, how much I wanted him, how wrapped up in him I was, how deliriously happy this made me. 

‘Feel that?’ I breathed between kisses. ‘That’s all you.’

It reassured him enough that when I slid my hands down the front of his shirt, popping buttons open, he didn’t panic and break the kiss. I pushed the wet material over his shoulders and down off his arms, my fingers delighting in having free roam over his beautiful skin.

Alec was everything; he was the centre of the world and he was kissing me. I could taste him; he dominated my senses. The very centre of my world and what made it painfully perfect was that I could feel, without any doubt whatsoever, that I was the centre of his world too.

Insecurity had no room to unfurl, uncertainty could not lay roots.

With every swell of love and adoration, longing and desire, it was tangible between us. I felt it; he could feel it. We would never be alone again and it should have been terrifying, but I just felt _complete._

He stripped me lovingly and reverently of my wet jacket and shirt, leaving them in a damp pile by the door. As his hands drifted over the planes of my chest, I couldn’t contain a breathy moan, head falling back a little.

‘You’re still freezing,’ he said, pressing a warm, soft kiss to my throat and led me into his bathroom, where he turned on the shower. There were bad memories there, lingering faintly in the background. I didn’t want them, didn’t want there to be a dark, shadowy corner I had to avoid. We would make new memories. Banish the dark by shining a light.

The old memory was especially painful for Alec, who stared at the shower even after I tried to bring his attention back to me. How strange to experience a memory second hand when it involved him so much.

‘Stay with me?’ I asked, recapturing his focus once more.

 _It_ _’s difficult,_ he thought, nose rubbing against mine. _It was so bad, Jace._

_It was, but you made it a lot better. You always do._

Once the shower was steaming hot, my cold skin prickling with anticipation of once more experiencing actual warmth, he opened the door for me, clearly intending to let me go first out of some ridiculous attack of chivalry.

Well, fuck that.

Urgently, I drew him back to my mouth, needing more kisses, more contact. As we kissed, I loosened his belt and freed the top of his pants, letting them drop carefully and with clear intention. His surprise was delicious, granting me an exhilarating kind of power over him that I wanted to pursue. I tugged my own belt out, unzipping and losing my pants in much quicker fashion and for a few moments, we were pressed against each other without anything in between. It should have been weird or awkward.

_Made to fit, meant to be._

The bond, which had been up until recently purring contentedly as it consolidated full power between us, now began to rise and swirl once more, a final act required.

It made my head spin, blood running impossibly hot and fast. I broke the kiss only to guide Alec into the shower, closing the door behind us.

‘See?’ I laughed as the hot spray hit my skin in blissful fashion. ‘We do both fit.’

He tipped his head back, shaking his hair out of his eyes and holy fuck, that was unexpectedly hot. Desire hit me like a wrecking ball, magnified by the intent of the bond to literally weld us together for all time. Beneath the warm, perfect rain of the shower, my Parabatai leaned down and wrapped his arm around me, stealing my breath in a heated kiss.

‘You’re so fucking beautiful,’ he groaned into my mouth and I had to grab him tighter in case my knees buckled, because that would have been embarrassing. He smiled against my lips, lovingly amused. ‘I would have caught you,’ he promised.

The intensity was approaching the point where I could barely focus. I wanted to kiss him forever, get lost inside his mind and soul, revelling in the heavenly gratification that came from our skin pressed together like this.

But kissing wasn’t enough anymore.

When I touched him for the first time, sliding my hand down over his hard, eager cock, his eyes rolled back, and I experienced a wave of _ohfuckohfuckdon_ _’tcomeohfuck._ It was almost like touching myself, except I knew I was making him feel good too. I _wanted_ so badly to make him feel good, to make him come apart. Be the cause of his undoing, watch his expressions, feel him when he came.

My thoughts drove him wild. ‘Oh fuck, _Jace!_ ’ Alec grabbed my ass, kneading the flesh for a few seconds before he hoisted me up and swung me around against the wall of the shower, pressing me there securely as he plundered my mouth, emitting desperate, indecent noises. I wrapped my legs around him tightly. ‘Why are you so perfect?’

I barely had time to revel in his praise. His lips trailed greedily down my neck, sucking the skin and dragging his teeth over the same part, turning it hyper sensitive.

 _Marking me_ , I realised. _He_ _’s marking me as his._

 _You_ _’re mine and I’m yours,_ he thought.

The sensation, if possible, made me even harder to a painful extent. The absolute symphony of _need_ and _desire_ and _love_ was reaching fever pitch. Alec was everywhere, outside and inside, except in the way that I needed him.

‘Please,’ I managed to beg. ‘Please, Alec.’

He looked at me, searchingly. I could feel him determinedly scouting for any trace of hesitation or misgiving. He had none himself, save a distant fear of what tomorrow would bring. I let him see every piece of me and make the decision without attempts to sway.

‘I love you,’ he breathed, holding me up effortlessly. ‘I love you so much.’

Nose against his, I let out a shaky breath.

‘Show me?’

Every nerve ending in my body was firing, tingling with something beyond excitement and anticipation. My heart was beating so fast, it might have been painful, but pain was a distant concept. Alec was the sun, radiant and warm and it was impossible to think of much else. It felt like my entire life had been leading to this moment right there. Every single thing I’d ever done, good or bad… was for this.

I was right where I was meant to be.

Within him, a flash of nerves rippled across the roaring waterfall that was our connection. I cupped his face, bringing his mouth to mine once more, where it belonged.

‘Don’t be nervous,’ I breathed against his lips, fingers running through his hair in that way he loved. ‘We were made to fit together.’

Surrounded by water and heat, the air was thick was steam. We were tangled together in every possible way except one. One last piece that needed to click together.

_I don_ _’t want to hurt you._

_You won_ _’t. I need you inside me, please._

There was such gravity in that moment of Alec’s hesitation, so many reasons he was holding back from this last milestone. The one I cared about most was that this, _this,_ would be his first time. My memories were accessible to him, but this was different. He was nervous, unsure of what to do, frightened of hurting me,

 _I_ _’m scared too_ , I thought. _I_ _’m scared that if we do this, there won’t ever be any going back and that one day, you might regret that._

It was quite something to _feel_ Alec perform an emotional eye-roll.

_Regret everything I ever wanted?_

_But,_ I thought, _despite that fear, I still want to be here with you. You_ _’re worth the risk. We are worth_ all _the risks, Alec. This closeness,_ I tightened my legs and ground myself against him, drawing a bitten off groan from him. _Is the best thing I_ _’ve ever felt. I need you to be inside me, I need you to make love to me. Please._

Maybe it was my reassurance or maybe the desire and pounding need pulsing through us both, steadily becoming stronger and more insistent. In the end, it didn’t really matter. We both wanted it so desperately, bodies and minds surrounded by the love held for each other. It had to happen.

The water was the conduit, my body warm and slick and oh so fucking ready for him to be inside me. I guided him, barely wincing at the discomfort because the connection filled my senses and left no room for pain.

‘Oh God!’ he panted, eyes closed and mouth open, his forehead against mine. ‘Oh my fucking God!’

Slowly and carefully, he pushed deeper and then _finally,_ he bottomed out. The feeling was indescribable. I tried to think about it logically, telling myself that the person I loved most in the world was actually inside me now, but logical thought was almost impossible when the magic that swirled between us was building into a hurricane.

And it felt like the first time, even though it wasn’t. I was myself; he was himself. We were our true selves as we had not been for some time.

‘Fuck,’ I gasped, head falling back against the tiles as the water cascaded over us.

He was holding back, keeping himself still until I was ready. I didn’t need to tell him when I was ready, because he could feel it. With restraint I couldn’t fathom, he slowly began to move and the fact that it was slow, made it almost unbearably pleasurable.

It was driving me wild, wanting him to fuck me harder, wanting more of everything. He didn’t relent, though. Maintained the slow, torturous pace until he became certain that he wasn’t injuring me at all, because distantly, he knew that something in the bond was preventing us from feeling pain.

There wasn’t any time to wonder why or to even _care_ because I was losing my mind to the onslaught of merciless pleasure crashing like waves between us.

The dynamic shifted, Alec became more confident and as he did, his focus turned to taking care of me. He wanted me to let go, to allow him to make _me_ feel good.

‘My beautiful Jace,’ he said, fucking me just a little faster and deeper, his grip on my ass certain to leave wonderful, possessive bruises. ‘You’re _exquisite_ , look at you.’

It was good that he wanted to take care of me because I was losing the ability to think straight, let alone perform complex tasks like keep myself upright or form words.

‘You feel how much I love you?’ Alec breathed, pressing a shaky kiss to my lips.

I _could_ feel it, there was no need to wonder. It was sensory overload, overwhelming me in a way that would ruin me for all time. There would never be anyone else, maybe that went without saying, but _seeing_ and _experiencing_ how much he loved me, how perfect he thought I was… I was ruined.

And strangely, it was that feeling which triggered the inevitable approach of the monumental orgasm between us. _That_ was what drove him over the edge; him showing me how much he loved me and my _feeling_ it.

His slow pace was long gone now. He was slave to driving rhythm that brought our climax closer. The feeling of him hitting _that spot_ every few thrusts had me in a kind of delirium. It went beyond sex, beyond pleasure and connection.

_Loveyouloveyouohgodplease._

The skin over my heart felt like it would actually burn all the way through, the Parabatai rune doing something that should have warranted concern, but I barely noticed it. Alec shifted his weight, bracing us against the wall in sturdier fashion so he could free up one hand, moving it towards my straining, leaking cock with intent.

‘No,’ I managed to say, holding his hand back. ‘Wanna come with you, it needs to be together.’

He kissed me deeply and thought, _We will._

His hand on my cock struck me to the core; a bolt of pure, unbearable lightning, setting my already pleasure worn body alight. He tightened his grip around me, barely more than two pumps required to bring on the tsunami that had been crashing ever closer.

Shockwaves of relentless, rolling devastation were unleashed; our bodies barely able to contain it. I came with a kind of impact that I was certain would leave me genuinely wrecked, it was so strong. Alec was right, it didn’t matter who came first, the other would be helpless to follow.

_Helpless to follow._

He experienced my pleasure like it was his own, bringing about his orgasm instantly and then… _fuck!_

Kissing me all the way through it, Alec held me tightly, our bodies experiencing an event that went beyond sex or love. He slammed into me a few more times as wave after wave rocked over us, smashing away anything that wasn’t the connection between us, transforming the bond.

My eyes were closed tightly against the onslaught so I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like there was bright light coming from somewhere. Our rune _burned._

‘I love you,’ Alec cried, the words broken by the sheer fucking emotions currently shattering us both, building us up again from the wreckage as something new.

‘Love you so much,’ I gasped, shaking all over despite the heat around and inside me. I clung to him, knowing he had me, the still point of my spinning world.

When it began to ebb, I was almost relieved. I could breathe again, _see_ again. My skin slowly began to allow feeling, the sensory overload lessening to bearable levels.

Alec gently lowered us both, kneeling on the tiles, his arms wrapped around me. We were breathing hard, dazed and overwhelmed. He gently pulled out of me, easing himself free and when he did, I felt the physical loss keenly.

But there was something new, now. Impossible to ignore, but not quite a _jarring_ , shocking addition. Ever since the kiss on the roof, he’d been inside me to a certain extent, a kind of telepathy between us.

This was different.

‘Alec,’ I said, hand trailing down his face as his eyes met mine, expression pure and open. ‘You’re inside me.’

He knew what I meant, felt it too. Inside my body there was not only Jace Herondale anymore, Alec Lightwood was there too, as I was within him as well. Not the shallow echo of what we’d grown up with. We were the same soul in two bodies.

It was the Parabatai bond, only now it was _complete_.

* * *

‘Ouch,’ I complained groggily. ‘And by ouch, I mean _fucking hell_!’

It took a long time for the sensory overload to calm down completely and we had retreated to his bed long before that, falling into an exhausted sleep, curled together. A sharp spike of pain woke me from an incredibly deep sleep and it roused Alec too. How funny it was to _feel_ him wake up.

‘You OK?’ he muttered, concern bringing him from sleepy to alert remarkably fast. Propped up on his elbow, he examined me for the source of the pain, knowing where to look because he’d felt it too. ‘Oh fuck!’

‘What?’ I followed his gaze, staring down at my chest and for a second, I couldn’t see what was wrong; my brain was still so sleep addled and exhausted. There wasn’t any injury or significant bruising I could make out; my chest was clear of…

‘Oh _fuck!_ _’_

The Parabatai rune was gone. Not damaged or faded; fucking _gone_.

I pushed his chest back, searching for his but his wasn’t there either. It was like they had never even been there, no trace remaining of the rune that had once been necessary to link us.

‘Where is it?’ he asked, fingers running over my skin.

‘I think,’ I said, swallowing. ‘I _think_ I remember it burning, kind of?’

‘Yeah, me too actually.’ He looked at me, biting his bottom lip. ‘I guess… we don’t need it anymore so it, like, vanished?’

‘Why does it still hurt?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe it’s phantom pain.’

Now that I was awake and able to process concepts like pain once more, my whole body decided to get in on it and tell me about every other place that was hurting, not limited to my own body. Alec’s legs burned like he’d run a marathon without prep, his lower back absolutely killing. I had a throbbing headache, presumably from hyperventilating so much. Other placed ached more pleasurably, though and despite everything, despite waking up to find our Parabatai rune had apparently dissolved or whatever, I was still stupidly happy.

‘Mmm,’ I said with a shrug, focusing on him instead of silly issues like the fact we had broken cardinal law. ‘Morning.’

He raised an eyebrow, smiling at me knowingly. ‘Morning, beautiful,’ he said and kissed me lightly. ‘Are you still in love with me?’

I pretended to consider it. ‘I might be,’ I said, stroking the back of his neck as he invaded my highly unwanted personal space. ‘It’s possible I’ll need convincing, though.’

He wrapped his legs around my thigh, locking us together. ‘Oh, I see.’

 _If you need me to spend my entire life convincing you, I will,_ he thought.

_That_ _’s good, because I’m gonna need you here forever._

At the slightest reference to last night, his eyes creased, rubbing his nose against mine. ‘I’m so sorry again,’ he whispered. ‘I swear, I’ll always be with you, always, Jace.’

‘Right, but _not_ in that sad way people promise when they’re about to die, please. Always with me like, literally no more than ten yards away at any given time, yes?’

A flare of love and protectiveness surged through Alec.

‘I promise.’

There was still so much we had to talk about, or even _think_ about. Outside the bedroom, there was a whole world of problems. People, laws, demons, judgements. Hell, _inside_ the room there were issues we needed to discuss, too. So many things we hadn’t properly explained to each other last night. So much to go over. I didn’t fear it, even the idea of talking to him about _that_ terrible night.

I had nothing to fear anymore. _We_ had nothing to fear, because we were one and the same, finally. He followed my train of thought in a way that wasn’t intrusive, I was simply aware of his presence within me. He wanted to talk about everything too, but maybe it could happen later. The outside world could wait a little longer.

Except as he leaned in to kiss me, Izzy knocked and spoke through the door, shattering that illusion.

‘Alec?’ she called softly from outside. ‘Do you have any hot water? My shower has, like, none. Hello?’

Alec groaned and rolled over to look at his phone. ‘Oh, yeah my phone is completely fucked,’ he remembered. It probably hadn’t taken well to being flooded then dropped. ‘What’s the time?’

My phone, which was still intact, said 10:03am. I hadn’t slept that late in… never.

‘Ten,’ I yawned.

‘Guys?’ Izzy said with a tone. ‘I can hear you, y’know!’

It wasn’t that much of a big decision to let her in, there was no way we could keep something like from her even if we wanted to, which we didn’t.

‘Come in,’ Alec sighed, hauling the covers over us both.

The door opened and she strolled in, rolling her eyes about being made to stand outside on ceremony. She wore Simon’s t-shirt and boxers and when she caught sight of us her jaw dropped, grinning as she quickly closed the door and locked it behind her.

‘Oh my God!’ she squealed, running and leaping onto the bed. ‘What the fuck? Tell me everything, right now! Well, not _everything_ ,’ she added with a wince.

Izzy made herself comfortable, wide eyes flitting back and forth between us eagerly. ‘We made up,’ Alec explained, yawning.

Highly unsatisfied with this explanation, Izzy turned to me instead. ‘Seriously, what happened?’ Her giddy excitement was contagious. I felt almost like I wanted to hide under the covers, I was so happy.

‘Um,’ I said, biting my bottom lip to control my smile. ‘We’re in love?’

A look of fierce approval and bittersweet joy came over her and she grabbed Alec, hauling him closer so she could hug us both tightly.

She squeezed us tight. ‘I’m so happy for you!’ I wrapped my arms around her and Alec, our triangle complete once more. ‘You’re both so fucking stupid, I was afraid you’d never figure it out!’

‘Hey!’ Alec said indignantly, but she just squeezed harder and _fuck_ , Izzy was strong. ‘I’m not _that_ stupid.’

When she let go, her hand remained twined with mine and she wiped at her eyes with her free one. ‘So, so stupid,’ she said, laughing. ‘Are you gonna tell me what happened?’

_Do you want to tell her everything?_

Alec deliberated, partly wanted to conceal the _reason_ he was up on the roof last night, but acknowledging that there shouldn’t be any secrets between us anymore.

_Yes. We need to be honest._

‘What are you two doing?’ she asked suspiciously, eyes moving back and forth between us. ‘And holy _shit_ , where are your Parabatai runes?’

‘OK,’ I sighed, stroking the back of her hand with my thumb. ‘Here’s what went down. Are you ready?’

* * *

‘Did you get my message?’

‘No,’ Simon deadpanned. ‘I’m standing outside Alec’s door with coffee and eggs for five because I _intuited_ it.’

‘Smart ass,’ Izzy said, glancing up and down the hallway behind Simon. ‘OK, you can come in, but limit your freaking out levels, got it?’

When he agreed, Izzy moved aside to allow him entry.

‘Hey guys,’ he greeted us, casual as you please, setting the full tray down on Alec’s bedside table. He was wearing Izzy’s red silk bath robe and not much else. ‘I didn’t know how everyone liked their eggs, so I made a variety and you can all fight over my poached speciality.’

Izzy closed the door in a huff. ‘OK, you could freak out a _little_.’

Still naked beneath the covers, Alec handed me my coffee.

 _He already knew_ , he guessed.

 _Or maybe he_ _’s just really, really unflappable,_ I countered.

‘I already knew,’ Simon confirmed, plopping down on the bed beside Alec and helping himself to coffee. ‘I saw you two on the roof last night.’

‘You what?’ Izzy shrieked, hitting him gently on the shoulder.

‘Simon gets slapped _lightly_ ,’ Alec grumbled under his breath. He had been on the receiving end of a furious _Izzy Slap_ about a quarter of the way through our explanation tale.

 _Simon didn_ _’t almost pitch himself off a roof because of a misunderstanding_ , I said, rubbing his back reassuringly as I took a gulp of the glorious, hot beverage.

Izzy’s glare made it clear she thought the exact same thing.

Simon shrugged. ‘I told you, they were fine. You didn’t ask what they were _doing_.’

‘You saw us?’ Alec asked. ‘Which part did you see?’

‘There were parts?’ Simon said, offering Izzy a piece of toast he had purposefully torn into pieces. ‘I saw the kissing part, very briefly and then I fled. I’m glad you guys are OK,’ he added with genuine sentiment. ‘Clary should be here too; she’ll be so happy.’

‘I’d like to get dressed sometime today,’ Alec pointed out.

‘I already texted her,’ said Izzy unapologetically. ‘They were just telling me about the magical shower sex.’

‘Is that why there’s no hot water?’

‘It was _not_ magical shower sex.’

‘Where did your rune go, then?’ Izzy demanded knowingly. ‘Pass me the poached eggs, Simon.’

I ended up with the scrambled eggs which were surprisingly delicious.

‘Those are good,’ Alec complimented thoughtlessly, looking at my plate.

Simon frowned. ‘You’re not eating anything.’

Izzy indicated between the two of us, sipping her coffee. ‘Magical shower sex resulted in them basically living inside each other now. They can hear each other’s thoughts and feel everything, apparently taste stuff too.’

The vampire nodded appraisingly. ‘Huh, that’s cool.’

 _See?_ I thought smugly. _Unflappable._

‘So,’ Simon asked. ‘Is it because of the Parabatai thing or just the fact you’re soul mates?’

‘Aww, Simon,’ I grinned, kicking him. ‘You’re such a sap.’

‘Clary’s outside,’ Izzy said, leaping up off the bed and dashing to the door.

Alec looked around helplessly. ‘Oh sure, why not get Mom and Dad in here too?’

Izzy hauled Clary inside and once again, locked the door.

‘What up, Fray?’ Simon greeted, waving Izzy’s toast around. I felt Alec internally cringe at the sea of crumbs.

Clary took in the scene, her jaw dropping. ‘Holy _fuck_!’

She and Izzy sat side by side on the bottom of the bed, while Simon nudged Alec over, making room so he could sit beside us, Alec in the middle.

‘Well,’ Clary said, fairly beaming. ‘I see now why Izzy used so many exclamation marks in her text.’

‘They had magical shower sex,’ Simon explained, offering Alec the plate of fried eggs on toast which Alec grudgingly accepted.

‘I give up,’ I said, spearing more of my own scrambled eggs.

‘Oh my God, you did? Ooh, can I have the French toast?’

Simon, head of the Breakfast Division, handed the plate over.

‘So, anyway, magical shower sex and now they’re telepathic. They could be having magical mind sex right now and we wouldn’t even know!’

‘We are _not_ , _’_ Alec and I both said at the exactly same moment, quite by accident.

Clary and Izzy burst out laughing. ‘Oh my God,’ Izzy giggled, hand over her mouth so her eggs didn’t go everywhere. ‘This is so crazy!’

‘But great,’ Clary assured us. ‘Really great. I mean, you could have left some hot water for everyone else, but still really great.’

‘As Head of this Institute, I would really like to put some pants on!’ Alec said, wedged helplessly between me and Simon.

‘That seems unlikely,’ Simon said, patting his shoulder consolingly.

‘In other news,’ I said, finishing the last of my eggs. ‘Izzy is wearing Simon’s t-shirt and underwear and Simon seems to be wearing Izzy’s _way too small_ robe.’

‘This is the best morning ever,’ Clary said, wrapping her arms around her best friend, kissing her cheek. ‘Despite the fact that everyone got laid except me.’

‘Guys,’ Alec said with a hint of desperation. ‘I’m really enjoying this bonding experience, but I would enjoy it a lot more with pants on.’

‘We accept you as you are,’ Simon told him, wrapping an arm around Alec. ‘Spiritually, we’re brothers now. There shouldn’t be any barriers between us.’

I snorted a laugh as Alec glared.

‘OK, that’s it. I’m getting up and putting on pants and anyone who doesn’t want to go blind, look away now.’

Simon covered his eyes while Izzy and Clary shrieked and flailed, turning around, while I watched contently as Alec hauled his gorgeous naked ass out of bed and padded over to his drawers, rifling around for fresh pants.

 _You_ _’re so hot_.

 _Feeling you watching me is oddly hot, too_.

I closed my eyes and focused, experimenting. With effort, I could see him pulling on the pants, locating a pair for me while he was at it.

 _‘_ Huh,’ I said, opening my eyes.

‘What? Is it safe to look?’ Clary asked.

‘If I concentrate, I can see what Alec’s seeing and yes, it is safe to look.’

Simon seemed impressed. ‘You can see what he sees, like, through his eyes?’

‘If I concentrate.’

Alec tossed me the pants and under the covers, I wriggled into them.

‘It’s not that weird,’ he said, returning to the bed, this time shoving Simon into the middle. ‘It’s just like a more extreme version of being Parabatai.’

Izzy asked, ‘Could you feel things to this extent before, then?’

‘No,’ I answered. ‘But we did feel things that no one really warned us about.’

Simon stretched. ‘Like what?’

‘I could feel Jace having sex,’ Alec said, surprising me with his honesty. ‘A lot.’

As the others chorused groans and laughter, I let myself drift into him, curious to see if there was any jealousy or negative thoughts about that time. I was, once again, surprised to see that there weren’t.

 _There_ _’s nothing to be jealous about_ , Alec said, mentally stroking me in an intimate way. _I couldn_ _’t love you more completely if I tried_.

‘Look, look! They’re doing it, see?’

Simon sounded concerned. ‘Doing what? I’m literally right in the middle of it.’

I blinked and returned to see the girls staring at me.

‘So, what happens now?’ Izzy asked hesitantly, clearly not wanting to wreck the atmosphere. I didn’t resent her for it, reality beckoned one way or another. ‘Obviously, we’ll all help you keep the secret, whatever it takes. We need a solid cover plan, though.’

Alec and I experienced an unstoppable swell of affection towards our endlessly caring sister that needed to be displayed immediately.

‘No offence, Lewis,’ Alec sighed, leaning forward to grab Izzy and haul her into his arms. ‘But move your ass.’

‘Hey, get off!’ Izzy laughed as we manhandled her between us into the space where Simon had just been evicted from.

‘She could have sat on my lap!’ he wailed sadly.

Alec and I wrapped our arms around Izzy, each pressing a kiss to her cheeks.

‘You’re the best sister in the world,’ Alec told her. ‘We don’t deserve you.’

Basking in the rare show of affection, Izzy smiled warmly.

‘I’m so, _so_ overjoyed for you both,’ she said, looking at us in turn. ‘And like I said, whatever it takes to protect you, we’ll do it.’

‘If it helps,’ Simon offered. ‘One of you can pretend you’re having an affair with _me_. I’m happy to take one for the team. Jace and I would make a good couple, I think.’

‘Well, despite that incredibly tempting offer,’ Alec intoned dryly as Izzy snuggled into my chest, holding Alec’s hand. ‘I think we’ll be OK.’

I felt him formulate a plan, loose and without detail, but I understood what he was considering. I said nothing, keeping myself in the room with the ones we loved, but a thread of excitement curled inside me anyway. 

‘I assume Mom and Dad and everybody else is still here?’

‘Yup,’ Simon confirmed. ‘Karine was already up, she made the eggs.’

‘You sneaky bastard,’ Izzy laughed, hurling my spoon at him, which he caught with impeccable reflexes. ‘You let us think you made them!’

‘I don’t know what to tell you, babe,’ Simon sighed. ‘I’m a monster.’

* * *

There had been minimal activity throughout the night, which was good because honestly, a cadre of demons could have kicked down Alec’s door last night and I doubted we would have noticed. Dressed and ready for the day with only one or two _bumps_ in the road, we went back into the world, carrying our secret close to our synchronised hearts.

It was impossible to keep myself away from him. I manufactured reasons to get near him, bump against his side, brush my hand “accidentally” over his. I couldn’t contain the almost childlike excitement of simply being close to him, even though it wasn’t strictly necessary.

‘Morning darling,’ Maryse muttered, pressing a kiss to my cheek as we milled around the command table.

‘Morning Mom,’ Alec and I both replied, perfectly in time.

Luckily, she just laughed, assuming that Alec, with his back turned speaking to Clary, thought she meant him. He’d felt the kiss, distractedly thinking she had kissed him.

‘Afternoon, actually,’ Maryse corrected herself, stirring her tea. ‘Did you try Karine’s eggs? She made a huge selection for everyone. I’ve never had sunny side up before, but they were fantastic.’

Izzy shot me a bemused look, wondering at her Mom’s good mood.

‘Yeah, they were pretty great,’ I said, my focus shamelessly on Alec. His conversation with Clary was quiet, speaking in low tones. They were discussing Sebastian and the new reports of his whereabouts. He explained that it was her call if she wanted to pursue them. Watching him speak to her, feeling his careful array of emotions… it was like I _was_ Alec. The longer I stayed there, the deeper I was drawn into him.

‘Ah- _hem_ ,’ Izzy coughed, shoving into me with clear purpose. ‘Oh, sorry, about that.’

I shook myself, returning to my own state of consciousness.

‘No problem,’ I said, gratefully. This was going to require a level of practise and adjustment, for sure. It didn’t even dent my happiness, though. That was bulletproof.

‘Ah, so everyone is up at last!’ Robert said jovially as he and Karine entered the room. Robert was wearing something better suited to a Miami tourist, but Karine was kitted out in full fighting gear, a few streaks of blood and ichor in her hair.

‘’Allo!’ she greeted cheerfully. ‘’Ow is everyone?’ Her glittering eyes settled on me then flicked to Alec and her expression lit up, eyes widening. ‘Ah, _enfin_! C’est magnifique! Est-ce pour cela qu’il n’y avait pas d’eau chaude?’

Robert gave her a funny look while Alec smothered down a heart attack.

‘Karine!’ Izzy said loudly, grabbing her with a wide smile. ‘Thank you for your amazing eggs this morning, I don’t think we’ve all eaten so well in years!’

‘Oh, it was nothing,’ Karine said with a toss of her messy hair. ‘I think to myself, Simon is not alive, so it is not likely ‘e can make nice food for everyone, and - voila! I make eggs for _tout le monde_! I was up all night anyway, I cannot sleep when there is a storm, they make me crazy, you know?’

I could relate.

‘You’ve been out?’ Alec asked, flipping nervously through reports intercepted from Mundane cops. Storms usually had demons inside somewhere, basking in the abundant energy in the air, ready to wreak renewed mayhem and death the next night.

‘Bien sur! Morning is a perfect time to kill things, they are sleeping, you see? Dreaming and _stupid_. I find their nest, I cut them into parts, then - all dead!’

Izzy laughed fondly while Maryse drank her tea. laughed a little, but Robert stared at her with a worried frown.

‘What was that about hot water?’

‘I think the storm must have messed with the water tank,’ I said nodding sagely.

Karine glanced at Maryse and Robert and seemed to understand. ‘Oh!’ she said, dropping me a highly unsubtle wink. ‘Yes, yes! I agree with Jace, the storm it was terrible! Yes, la _foudre_ is clearly to blame!’

‘Lightning hits the spire all the time,’ Clary said calmly. ‘Maybe it caused a surge.’

‘ _Anyway!_ ’ Alec pushed on, a thin smile in place. ‘What’s the latest?’

Henson had been waiting patiently in the background, clutching a few files containing reports.

‘Well,’ he said, stepping forward. ‘Not much, actually. There was hardly any activity due to the storm. A few minor reports of misdemeanours, but nothing big except for the sightings I already told you about.’

‘Sebastian,’ Alec said, shooting Clary a quick glance. ‘Whereabouts was he seen?’

‘Facial recognition picked him up downtown a couple of times and the sightings place him near there too.’

‘OK,’ Alec said. ‘I want to do a thorough sweep today and a full prep for tonight. Its likely activity will be up, due to the excess energy after the storm. I think barring any significant event, we should organise four teams of three. Izzy,’ Alec said, looking at her. ‘Would you take the lead here?’

Izzy looked a little surprised, but didn’t hesitate. She stepped into Alec’s role, discussing sweep patterns and timing with Henson.

Alec handed out various assignments to everyone, but it was boiler plate stuff. The general maintenance and patrol to hold the line was relatively simple. It was the unpredictable events that we struggled to be ready for.

We never saw the big moments coming.

Alec finished up with the other Shadowhunters. ‘Thanks again, Mom,’ he said quietly to Maryse. ‘The party was great.’

‘I’m glad,’ she said, fondly wiping away some imaginary dirt on his chin. ‘But you didn’t seem like yourself.’

‘I was tired.’

‘Yes, well you seem much better now.’

‘Nothing like a good night’s sleep,’ I said, earning a cocked eyebrow from Izzy.

‘We should do something before I fly out,’ Maryse said, looking at us all with a nervous smile. ‘I’m taking Max back with me to Alicante, this might be the last time we see each other for a while.’

‘Sure,’ Izzy agreed. ‘Like, go for dinner?’

‘That sounds lovely,’ Maryse said, pleased. ‘You can invite Simon if you like. Robert?’

Robert and Karine were arguing quietly in French, but at her question, he looked around his tall fiancé with wide eyes. ‘Sorry?’

Maryse smiled in that way she did when someone had annoyed her. ‘Would you and Karine like to come for dinner tonight?’

‘Oh, yes, that sounds great! Ouais, mon coeur?’ he added, checking with Karine who seemed uncharacteristically terse.

‘Bien sur,’ she muttered, looking down. ‘I am returning outside to kill many more things. Where are we going for dinner?’

Maryse stroked her hair back. ‘I was thinking of Marea,’ she said. ‘I have a standing reservation there and its really very nice.’

Karine nodded. ‘OK. Later, then.’ She looked at Alec, Izzy and me, offering a genuine, if faint, smile. ‘’ave a good day.’

I watched her go, sharing Alec’s concern. What had she and Robert been arguing about? Karine was rarely, if ever, so quiet and browbeaten.

‘Is she OK?’ Izzy asked and Robert laughed dismissively. 

‘She’s fine, honey,’ he said. ‘Just French. Dinner together will be great!’

‘So, I’ll make the reservation for eight people?’

‘And Clary,’ Izzy insisted firmly.

‘Oh, yes of course,’ Maryse said, gifting Clary an apologetic smile. ‘Sorry, dear. You’re very welcome to come.’

Clary smiled awkwardly. ‘Thanks.’

‘So, table for _nine_ then,’ Maryse said. ‘Shall we meet there at about seven thirty? It won’t interfere with patrol that way.’

‘Sounds good to me, Maryse,’ Robert said buoyantly. ‘See you there.’

When he left, Maryse seemed to relax. ‘Well, this will be a nice way to end a good trip,’ she said, nodding to herself. ‘I’m taking Max shopping for a few things before we leave, does anyone need anything?’

‘We’re good, I think,’ Izzy said for everyone. ‘Get Max some more comics, though. They don’t have anything like that in Alicante.’

She smiled at her daughter. ‘So thoughtful, my lovely girl. Of course I will. See you all later tonight!’

* * *

The afternoon passed quickly, though Alec remained stressed about the fact that Karine seemed to have walked into the room and immediately discerned that something had happened between us.

‘What did she say?’ Clary asked again as we sat around in the kitchen. ‘Like, what did she say _precisely_?’

Izzy poured herself a cup of coffee after making one for everyone else first. ‘She said, “Oh my God, finally! That’s so great, is that why there was no hot water?” I don’t know how she knew anything.’

‘Well,’ Clary said, not entirely convinced. ‘She could have been talking about anything, really.’

Alec winced at another oncoming headache which I also shared. ‘She didn’t say “oh my God”,’ he groused. ‘She literally said, _“Oh, finally - that’s great. Is that why there was no hot water?”_ Your French sucks, Iz, no offence.’

‘I’m more concerned with whatever she and Dad were arguing about,’ Izzy replied darkly.

‘Yeah, Karine seemed upset,’ I said, reaching for a cookie. Alec watched me take a bite, fondness and adoration at the forefront of his emotions.

 _You_ _’re beautiful_ , he thought with a kind of internal smile I could feel, rather than see. _You even make eating cookies look hot_.

 _Please don_ _’t worry so much about earlier_ , I attempted to reassure him. _It_ _’ll all be all right, even if they find out sooner than planned_.

‘Hmm,’ Alec said with a distracted nod. Clary nudged Izzy, grinning as they watched us.

‘You guys need to get better at that,’ Izzy said kindly. ‘Your eyes glaze over when you speak to each other that way. After a while it would become obvious, even to someone who didn’t suspect.’

‘It’s hard,’ I told her.

Izzy shrugged ‘So practise.’

I understood her concern for us. This was a whole new frontier for everyone, really. So much hinged upon us being able to hide the bond and act normally. It was going to be difficult.

Especially when all I wanted was to straddle his lap, kiss him until he lost all self-control and get my hands inside his pants.

Alec coughed, choking on his coffee.

‘Jesus Christ,’ Izzy sighed, as she sat opposite us around the small breakfast table. ‘Maybe you guys should go do some _research_ or something.’

‘We’re fine,’ Alec said defensively. ‘The coffee is hot, that’s all.’

Clary snorted. ‘I’ll bet.’

‘OK, well, do _something_ before we go out to dinner tonight,’ Izzy said, scrolling through her phone and smiling slowly. ‘People might notice if you’re mentally sexting each other.’

‘You can talk,’ I teased, trying and failing to swipe the phone from her. ‘Checking your phone for messages from lover boy!’

‘You still didn’t really tell us what happened last night,’ Alec said, eager to move the focus away from us while he regained that self-control I would later strip him of.

Izzy rolled her eyes. ‘You want details, big brother?’

‘Not _details_ ,’ he corrected, pinching the bridge of his nose. Our shared headache was worsening. If I took an aspirin, would it soothe him too? ‘But a general overview of what actually went down would be nice.’

‘Well,’ she said, leaning back. ‘After I sent him to find you two, we talked in here for a little while. He uh, told me he spoke to Mom, actually.’

‘What did he say?’

Clary grinned knowingly; they had obviously already discussed this.

Izzy seemed vulnerable in her happiness for a moment, recalling the conversation. I wanted to cherish her, keep that precious, tentative feeling safe for her. When she recovered, she gave nonchalant shrug, her eyes dancing and mouth curling up.

‘He said he loved me.’

‘Izzy, that’s so great!’ I gushed, thrilled for her.

Alec smiled widely. ‘It really is, he’s a wonderful guy. You’re so good together.’

We didn’t ask if she had returned his sentiment verbally.

‘Thank you,’ she said, eyes fixed downwards. ‘Not quite as good as _actual_ soulmates, I know, but still. He makes me so happy.’

‘OK, that’s it,’ Clary sighed, reaching for more cookies, breaking one in half and sharing it with Izzy. ‘Set me up, guys. Come on, I’m all alone out here in the land of singleville.’

Alec watched the simple gesture, the two of them sharing a small source of food and he felt a sting of failure. Clary and Simon always did that with Izzy and though it seemed effortless, it implied a level of care that Alec had never achieved in that respect. They cared for Izzy, _took_ actual care of her and it made Alec sad, and me too, by default.

He experienced a great swell of gratitude towards both Clary and Simon, who had come into our lives and ended up becoming family in so many ways.

‘If you want to be set up,’ Alec said quietly. ‘It won’t be difficult. You’re fucking fantastic, Clary.’

Clary blinked at the unexpectedly fierce way he’s said it. ‘Oh, well. Thanks, Alec.’

‘Just the truth,’ he said, throat tight.

I took over. ‘By the way, thanks for signing us all up for dinner tonight,’ I said to Izzy. ‘Some of us would have liked the chance to veto that idea.’

‘They’re leaving again tomorrow morning, what difference does one more night make? It’s nice for Max. He was so happy last night.’

 _Stop it_ , I thought at Alec sternly, who was wallowing in shallow guilt over the moments leading up to the roof last night. _Don_ _’t make me come over there and kiss all the sadness away because I will._

Despite himself, he smirked. _Oh no, whatever will I do against such a threat?_

‘Yeah, of course it’s worth it for him,’ I said, making a conscious effort to balance my focus between Alec and Izzy. ‘He loved his presents and cake.’

Izzy squinted. ‘That was better that time.’

‘But you could still tell.’

‘I think I’ll always be able to tell,’ she laughed. ‘I know you both too well, I’m afraid.’

Wasn’t _that_ the truth? Izzy, up until last night, had been our resident secret keeper in many ways. I hoped now there would be less pressure on her in that respect. How many times had I confided in her about things I couldn’t bear to tell Alec? Too many.

Alec gasped suddenly, eyes widening with shock.

‘What?’ I scrambled to feel what was wrong with him, I hadn’t been tracking his thoughts just then.

But he had been tracking mine and he’d stumbled across something I had not yet told him.

Izzy got up, concerned. ‘Are you OK?’

Alec’s eyes found mine and oh dear, he wasn’t happy.

‘You _idiot!_ ’

‘Alec—’

He stood, still in a state of shock at what he’d discovered. ‘Why did you do that? Oh my God, Jace! How could you not tell me?’

‘Guys,’ Clary said, looking around when the volume of Alec’s voice threatened to carry further than the kitchen. ‘Maybe you should talk elsewhere?’

I was about to say good idea when Alec grabbed my hand and led me unceremoniously from the room. He was silently furious as we went in search of privacy and the whole journey there, I tried to mentally shore up a solid defence because holy shit, he was so upset.

Inside my room, he slammed the door shut and spun to face me, hands gesturing uselessly before he clamped them into fists and took a deep, shuddering breath.

‘I’m calm,’ he said, which was not true at all. ‘OK, I’m _trying_ to be calm. I’m going to _calmly_ listen while you explain to me why you sold your ability to father children.’

‘You know why.’ I hadn’t meant to say it like that. That way, it sounded like it was his fault and the Angel knew he didn’t need any more reasons to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders. ‘I mean to say—’

‘I know what you mean to say, I can feel it. That doesn’t excuse it.’

With a frustrated sigh, I said, ‘Well what do you want, then? If you can feel and see it in my mind, what more can I give?’

Some of his anger abated. ‘You can _explain_ it to me.’

I sat on my bed and collected my thoughts. ‘I couldn’t find you, Alec. You were gone and I couldn’t find you, so…’

‘So, you went to a demon.’

‘A bargaining demon, Belaphim.’

Alec’s forehead creased. ‘Right, and?’

‘After some dicking around, it told me it would lead me to your location if I gave away my ability to ever father children.’

Rubbing his eyes, Alec said, ‘Specify.’

The headache we were sharing blossomed behind my eyes. ‘What?’

‘Like, be specific? What was the deal, verbatim?’

‘Alec, it can’t be undone.’

‘Just…humour me, please?’

‘I learned from Magnus that Belaphim collects futures, figured that it wanted my ability to father children. I went there, yelled that I would pay the price willingly and knowingly or some such shit and then it brought me to you.’

Talking about it made me deeply sad and Alec’s anger couldn’t withstand seeing me that way, so he sat beside me, arm curling around my shoulders.

‘I’m sorry for yelling,’ he whispered. ‘I just… you should have told me.’

‘So you could feel _worse_ about yourself? So I could feel worse than I already do? I couldn’t bring myself to even say it, after I told Izzy. Sometimes I pretend it’s not real.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said, about to add something else, but he caught himself in time. His mind had no such filter, however, and I read the thought, heart clenching.

I drew back to look at him. ‘Say it out loud,’ I begged softly.

He swallowed nervously. ‘It doesn’t matter… because we can still have children other ways.’

There it was, that sledgehammer of _lovelustwantyouneedyou_ back again like it had never left only amplified massively by the fact he was talking about something that would solidify us in ways that went beyond sex and love and runes. He was broaching the thing we’d both been thinking of all day; the future.

This was perhaps the hardest part of having nowhere to hide. I couldn’t contain how much that affected me, him saying that. I watched him closely as he read my response, but thankfully his feelings more than mirrored my own.

‘I would like that,’ I managed to say when breathing became a possibility once more.

‘You would?’ he said, even though he could feel it.

‘Yes,’ I couldn’t help but say, slowly pressing myself against him. ‘One day.’

‘One day,’ he accepted, but we both knew it wasn’t necessarily that far away, not when we both wanted it this much ‘You’ll be such a wonderful parent, Jace.’ He kissed me sweetly, like we had all the time in the world and I let myself slip into him, body happy to return the kiss on autopilot while I wandered within the realms of his mind and soul.

* * *

The five of us met Maryse and Max at the restaurant where apparently Robert and Karine were running a little late. Maryse had clearly made a lot of effort, more so than usual, to look nice. She’d had her hair done, wearing what must have been a new dress.

‘Oh, you all look lovely!’ she said, kissing us one by one. ‘Alec, you’re so handsome! Look at that suit!’

Smugly, I thought, _told you that you’re amazingly hot in that suit._

Alec’s focus didn’t waver, he was getting better by the minute at controlling his reactions to the bond. Typical Alec, really.

‘You’re beautiful, Mom,’ he told her, hugging Max. ‘Where’s Dad?’

‘Your Father will be along shortly,’ she said, fussing over Izzy’s hair, which was completely fine. ‘We might as well sit down, it’s especially busy for a Sunday.’

The table was huge, basically two tables pushed together facing the gorgeous view of the park. Marea was a nice place, I remembered coming there sometimes when I was younger with Alec and Izzy, Maryse and Robert. 

I sat opposite Alec, shamelessly nudging at him under the table. When everyone was seated, Simon skimmed the menu with no real interest.

‘Even when I was _alive_ , I would never have eaten octopus,’ he mumbled

‘Who wants wine?’ Maryse asked, looking down the table.

Max didn’t miss a beat. ‘Can I have some?’

Maryse rolled her eyes and smiled, stroking the back of his neck. ‘You can have soda, sweetie.’

Beside Alec, Izzy nudged him. ‘What is _up_ with her?’

‘Izzy? A little wine?’

‘I’m underage, Mom,’ Izzy pointed out.

‘Well, you look much older, darling. I’ll order a couple of bottles of white and you can decide if you’d like some. I’m sure you’ve all had much worse when you’re out on the town, eh?’

OK, now even I was suspicious.

‘Did you get some good comics?’ Alec asked Max.

‘We didn’t have time,’ Max shrugged. ‘Mom went to the salon and it took hours.’

‘Hi everyone, sorry we’re late!’ Robert led Karine through the narrow tables towards ours, by the window. Maryse got up out of her seat and to my absolute shock, Robert diverted from the two free seats, to kiss her cheek.

‘That’s new,’ Clary whispered to Izzy, who was watching both parents with severe scrutiny.

‘It really is.’

‘Hey, Karine,’ Alec said and I followed his concerned gaze, because Karine, for once, was not radiant and upbeat. ‘You look great, as always.’

Karine sat next to Robert, dredging up a smile for Alec and the rest of us, though she didn’t look at Maryse. ‘Merci, cherie,’ she said quietly. ‘You are all very, very beautiful as well.’

‘Well,’ Maryse said briskly. ‘Now that we’re all here, shall we decide on what to eat?’

The noise level inside was bustling enough that we could talk quietly in pairs without being overhead by parental figures. Alec and I could say whatever we wanted to each other, of course, and in that possibility, I devolved into a horny teenager once more.

 _When we get home_ , I thought, pretending to ponder the menu. _I_ _’m gonna strip you, peel that fucking beautiful tux off of you one piece at a time and every time I see skin, I’m going to lick and suck it until you’re begging me to let you undress completely. But I won’t let you until you tell me how much you love me, over and over until I’m so hot for you, I can’t see straight. I’m gonna grind myself on you, make so you fucking hard it’ll almost hurt, then I’ll slide my hands under your pants, grip you hard and bring you off, kissing you the whole time._

Alec cleared his throat, cheeks colouring. He was biting down a smile, heart racing. I couldn’t help myself; it was like being a kid again in many respects.

 _I love you so much, I_ _’ll say it forever, Jace, you don’t have to ask._ His words echoed in my mind, ever word laced with want and heat. _I’m going to spend all night making you come apart, making you feel how much I love you when I’m inside you again. Gonna show you how perfect and beautiful you are as I fuck you, want you to lose your mind before I reach down and grab your big, hard—_

‘Breadstick?’

The lusty haze broke with a snap that left me dazed and significantly hard under the table. Considering the fact that Simon literally _shoved_ the breadsticks in my face, I realised that we had fallen into a potentially precarious train of thought.

‘No, thanks,’ I said, reaching for my glass of water, blood hot and racing. I caught Alec’s gaze which was likely a mistake. There was so much _want_ in his gorgeous dark blue eyes. He bit his bottom lip, teeth sinking into that flesh I couldn’t wait to taste later. ‘I’m uh…I’ll wait for the main course.’

‘You sure you can wait?’ Clary asked innocently.

‘Yeah,’ I said, forcing myself to look away and stop _mooning_ over Alec. ‘Don’t wanna fill up on bread.’

Alec smirked and drank some wine, just a small glass. I had sworn off of alcohol, so I was happy with water. I didn’t think I would ever trust anything that altered my state of mind, nothing that wasn’t mind blowing sex anyway.

Maryse and Robert sat at opposite ends of the tables. They spoke to each other a lot, but most of it was in that kind of _The Kids Are Listening_ way. There was a ridiculous amount of civility between them, though. Maybe they’d had some kind of heart to heart at the party.

Karine was sat next to me, Robert on her left.

‘So, did you manage to kill lots of things?’ I asked her, taking a bite of my blissful octopus fusilli.

Karine looked up from her lobster risotto. ‘Quoi? Oh, not so many, no. I found a nest of lower demons ‘oo were worshipping some _grand mechante,_ but they were most easy to kill and not at all satisfying. I miss the dangers of Paris. But you are well, Jace?’ she asked, expression brightening as she patted my hand. Under her breath she added, ‘I will not say a word of what I see between you and Alec, but I am much ‘appy for you.’

I leaned closer. ‘How could you even tell?’

‘My mother, she was a…’ Karine’s hand gestured while she searched for the word. ‘A, um… kind of _sorciere_ , you know? With the cards and the hands?’

‘A medium,’ Alec supplied effortlessly, not breaking his conversation with Izzy and Simon.

‘Yes, a medium! My wonderful mother, she was a _medium_! Very rare in Shadowhunter bloodlines. I ‘ave some of her ability. I can sometimes tell about people, though it is not _anything_ compared to her talents.’ Her brown eyes sparkling, she took my hand in hers. ‘This morning, I am seeing you and Alec and I feel _magic_ between you both, like never before! I see it, cherie. You are _destine a etre._ _’_

‘Is that how you knew about Sebastian?’

‘A little, yes. I ‘ave not the talent of my Maman.’

‘More talent than any of us in that area, believe me,’ I chuckled.

‘Jace,’ Karine said haltingly, glancing back at Robert to make sure he wasn’t listening. ‘I want to say that I ‘ave come to love you all very much; you, Alec and Izzy. I know ‘zere has not been much time gone past, but I care for you very much.’

‘That’s really kind,’ I said, ironing out any awkwardness from my demeanour. Alec was listening in on my conversation with her now, as well. ‘We all love you too and you’re a part of the family.’

Clasping my hand, she sighed. ‘You are much too kind. All three of you are a credit to your father and mother. Remember, though. I am always ‘ere for you, whatever you need.’

I didn’t like this and neither did Alec. I felt, rather than saw, him nudge Izzy and relate to her the basis of what Karine had just said.

Now that I felt keenly aware something was wrong, it became obvious that Dad wasn’t speaking to Karine at all. She sat quietly beside him, mostly listening to us or staring at her food.

Robert was talking non-stop to Maryse and she wasn’t giving him polite, one-worded answers. She was smiling and laughing, _engaging_ him.

Izzy put her knife and fork down with a clatter.

‘OK, what the fuck is going on?’

Maryse and Robert looked at her with equally admonishing expressions.

‘Isabelle!’ Maryse said, looking pointedly at Max.

‘Max is being trained to kill demons and lose people he loves,’ Izzy snapped. ‘I don’t think hearing the word _fuck_ is going to break him! What is going on between you two?’

Alec watched his Mom very carefully while I watched Robert. Maryse’s poker face broke first, Alec’s realisation hitting him low in the stomach.

_Oh God._

‘This is hardly the place or the time,’ Maryse muttered, regaining composure and shuttering her eyes.

‘We have nothing to be ashamed of, Maryse,’ Dad said in a would-be casual tone, leaning back, wine glass in hand.

My jaw dropped. ‘Oh, you’re fucking _kidding me_!’

Clary and Simon sat silently, staring back and forth, but Izzy was furious.

‘I can’t believe you two,’ she said, breathlessly furious.

‘Honey, this is none of your concern,’ Dad told her. Clary winced, knowing as we all did, that that wasn’t an especially smart thing to say to Izzy.

 _‘Not my concern?’_ she echoed in a teeth-baring snarl. ‘Not my fucking concern? What _is_ my concern, Dad? Looking after the offspring you’ve dismissed when you realised we weren’t perfect? Raising our family in your absence?’

‘All right,’ he said hurriedly, glancing around. ‘Maybe that wasn’t—’

‘How about making sure Alec knows he’s loved unconditionally or that Jace is good enough to experience love without feeling unworthy? Is that my concern?’

Even without telepathy, Alec and I could literally feel her ire skyrocketing. People in the restaurant were staring, some even turning in their seats. Alec didn’t say anything, didn’t try to reign her in.

She stood up, sending the chair skidding back loudly as she glared down at her father. ‘Or how about me keeping all your dirty secrets for years, because you told me it would break Mom’s heart. _“You don’t want to destroy your mother, do you, Isabelle?”_ It seemed to be my concern back then!’

Before Dad could say anything, Izzy whipped around to her mother.

‘And you,’ she said, shaking her head with disgust. ‘What are you even thinking, shacking up with him again? Have you no self-respect?’

Something cold flashed over Maryse. ‘You should talk,’ she said quietly.

Alec stood abruptly. ‘Don’t you dare speak to her like that!’

‘That’s enough,’ Maryse warned sharply, but the Lightwood siblings stood shoulder to shoulder, unbowed by her intimidation attempt.

‘I never thought you’d sink so low as to do that to another woman, especially when that’s exactly what Dad did to you!’

Everyone looked at Karine, who was watching Izzy and Alec with a mixture of pain and adoration.

‘And what she did to me!’ Maryse said desperately, pointing a freshly manicured nail at Karine.

‘I _never_ do this to you,’ Karine said, straightening. ‘I meet Robert when ‘e was no longer with you. I made sure before I would even talk to ‘im.’

‘Well,’ Maryse said, moving on swiftly. ‘We were married for decades, it’s natural to be drawn back together.’ Her gaze moved desperately onto me. ‘Jace, you understand, don’t you? Tell them! Please.’

Part of me was so stunned at the revelation that I almost didn’t even know what to say, except I did. I got to my feet solemnly

‘I understand it, sure. It’s just disgusting.’

‘Jace, _please_!’

‘C’mon, guys,’ Izzy said, staring at Maryse. ‘Let’s leave the lovers to their special dinner date.’

‘Hey buddy, how about we go for ice cream?’ I said to Max who was watching everything with wide, hurt eyes. ‘Mom will pick you up later.’

Alec went around to Karine’s side, helping her up unnecessarily. Clary wrapped her arm around Izzy, who was pale in the extreme, but determined. Simon held Max’s other hand.

‘This is the family we forged in your absence,’ Alec said stonily. ‘If you want to be a part of it, sort your shit out.’

* * *

We definitely stood out at the ice cream parlour, most of us were wearing formalwear, except for Simon who, as soon as we got outside of the hot, silent restaurant, tore his shirt off and revealed a t-shirt beneath.

Max had laughed and declared he was like a reverse Superman.

Karine and Izzy sat side by side, consoling each other by eating vast amounts of ice cream while Simon and Alec were on Max duty, cheering him up with hilarious stories and anecdotes while plying him with sugar.

Clary sat with me and we shared the most enormous banana split of all time. She was quiet, focused on Izzy, while I was helplessly focused on Alec.

Alec’s emotions swirled in my chest, mine in his. He was betrayed, I was disappointed. Angel, would we never catch our breath? Still, even beneath this stinging disillusionment, there was something wonderful between us and it remained shatterproof.

I sent him love and comfort, he sent me strength and devotion.

‘They never change,’ Izzy said, stabbing the ice cream viciously and shovelling it in to her mouth. ‘Miserable together, miserable splitting up, now they’re making everyone _else_ miserable while they start the whole process over again.’

Karine sighed, squeezing Izzy. ‘I am sorry you ‘ad to find out in such a way, cherie. Robert told me earlier than something went on, but he didn’t say what, only ‘zat it was a mistake.’

‘He thought you knew,’ Izzy guessed. ‘When you said about the shower.’

‘Guess you two weren’t the only ones using all the hot water,’ Simon muttered to Alec and me.

‘Well, screw them,’ Izzy said with a forced smile. ‘They can do what they want. Karine, we love you. You’re still family as far as we’re concerned.’

Karine seemed beyond touched. ‘I am most honoured, thank you. Your support means much to me.’

‘Do you think you’ll go back to France?’ Clary asked her gently.

‘Yes,’ Karine sighed, thinking longingly of her Paris, perhaps. ‘But you are all welcome to come any time you wish. I ‘ave many castles and you mean all the world to me. Also, now ‘zat your stupid father is not ‘ere - Jace and Alec, I am so very ‘appy for you both! If you would like to come and live in my northernmost castle, I will see to it you are not disturbed for at least a year.’

I grinned around the spoon, glancing at Alec who blushed a little.

‘That’s really kind,’ he said and then added delicately, ‘We might take you up on that.’

Izzy froze, spoon halfway to her mouth. ‘What do you mean?’

Before Alec could answer, Max reached for more chocolate syrup and said to me, ‘So you and Alec are a couple now?’

Alec only hesitated for a fraction of a second. ‘Yeah,’ he said, wrapping an arm around his little brother. ‘We are. Is that weird?’

Max shrugged, heaping the sugary liquid onto his melting ice cream. ‘I used to think you guys were married when I was younger, before I knew what Parabatai meant.’

‘You did?’

‘Yeah,’ Max said, spooning an impossible amount of chocolate ice cream into his mouth. ‘Maybe it’s weird to other people, but not me. I’m a Lightwood, after all. Weird shit is our birth right.’

Everyone laughed at that, the atmosphere lightening. Something inside me unlocked a little; the first piece of acceptance from someone who wasn’t in the inner circle. Alec felt the same, or maybe he felt that way because we mirrored each other.

‘You said it, kid,’ Simon chuckled. ‘Quite a family, huh?’

* * *

Maryse didn’t come back for Max that night and Robert didn’t return either. Max slept in with Izzy and Simon, who ended up buying way too many comics for him on the way home. Clary went to stay with Luke, who had a rare night off and Karine slept in my unused bedroom, insistent upon guarding our privacy with her very life, as she put it.

And despite everything, I couldn’t keep myself away from Alec a moment longer than necessary. Kissing him felt like breathing fresh air after almost drowning. Whenever we touched, the connection radiated blissful vibrations, but kissing, _kissing_ was something else. He made my blood run hot, made my whole body tingle and flutter with dizzying levels of anticipation.

‘Missed you,’ he muttered reverently against my lips, his hands roaming everywhere over my body.

‘I was right here, inside you,’ I said breathlessly.

‘Not enough. Need you like this, need you all the time.’

We fell back onto the bed in a tangle of limbs and inexorable need.

‘I love you,’ he groaned. _‘Fuck_ , I love you so much I can barely contain it.’

‘I can’t believe I get to do this with you,’ I laughed in a bittersweet fashion. ‘We’ve been so stupid for so long.’

His kiss slowed, lips parting from mine. We lay on our sides, facing each other, legs tangled together. ‘We were stupid,’ he said, running a hand through my hair. ‘We have to make sure we don’t make mistakes like that again.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like not trusting each other, trying to protect each other from the truth.’

I kissed his nose. ‘I promise to be honest with you, always.’

Something swirled inside him; a twist of nerves and thrilling excitement. He was going to ask me something and holy fucking shit I was going to _die_ if he said it aloud.

Except the door burst open.

‘Sorry, sorry!’ Karine said, shoving someone inside by the collar. Alec and I scrambled up, thankfully still dressed.

‘Sebastian?’ I said, eyeing the blonde who seemed mildly irritated. ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’

‘I found ‘im snooping around outside your window!’ Karine declared, kicking him down to his knees. ‘I kill ‘im now, yes?’

She had her seraph blade in hand, ready to dispatch of the young man she had long ago warned us was out of balance.

‘Not yet,’ Alec said, holding his hand up. ‘If he’s here, there will be a reason. Let’s hear it first.’

Sebastian looked up. ‘Sensible as ever, Alec,’ he said with a smile. ‘I allowed myself to be caught for that exact reason. Once more, I come bearing the gift of information.’

I crossed my arms. ‘Oh?’

‘Your demon,’ Sebastian said looking between us. ‘Is very, _very_ upset that one of you isn’t dead.’

Silence followed this proclamation until Alec shook his head. ‘What the fuck does that mean?’

Sebastian rolled his eyes. ‘The demon you both bargained with, Belaphim! He was expecting one of you to be announced dead this morning after the storm. Now that you’re both alive, he’s put a mass hit out on all of you. Isabelle, your parents, even Clary,’ he added tightly, his motive for this warning becoming clearer. ‘He wants you _all_ dead.’

‘Hold up,’ I said. ‘The demon I bargained with is the… same one Alec sold his memories to?’

With a long-suffering sigh, Sebastian nodded. ‘That’s right, Jace. Well done. The same demon who has been plotting to kill one or both of you for several years was _slightly_ miffed when its glorious plan fell into ruin this morning.’

Alec was astonished, the information rendering him silent. My astonishment quickly dissolved into vengeful rage.

‘Sebastian,’ I said fiercely. ‘Tell me everything you know.’

The blonde shrugged. ‘That could take a while.’

* * *

_A/N - I worked so hard on this, I think I broke my brain. Why was this chapter so insanely long? Uh, cos I love you guys. I put so much of my heart and soul into this chapter, I just hope you liked it._

_Couple of things:_

_This is_ not _magical healing sex, Jace and Alec will still be dealing with all the things they've suffered for a long time after this, they're just kind of basking for a while. It's been a long time coming and they deserve a little happiness, God damn it._

_Someone pointed out to me about Alec and Jace's eye colour. Look, my story is VERY freeform and should be considered a loose mishmash of show and books. For the record, Jace has mismatched eyes (like Dominic Sherwood) because I literally fell in love with that aspect beyond belief and Alec has dark blue eyes. Also, I should have made this clearer earlier, but both boys have (had) their Parabatai runes over their hearts, not on their hips like the show, or their back's like the books. Sorry for the little inconsistencies there, I hope it wasn't anything too jarring. I always meant to put this scene in earlier where it showed Jace wanting the rune over his heart, but it never really felt natural until now._

_The next chapter won't be this long because that would be, like, madness._

_If you liked it, a comment would mean the world to me, even just a few words._

_Thanks for reading and sticking with this story for so long._


	19. Chapter Nineteen: It's Never Been Safe, You Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.   
> Literally. Plot, plot everywhere. Some kissing, too.

_**((SPOILERS!!! Really minor trigger warning for mentions/brief description of a dead pregnant woman - nothing explicit at all))** _

* * *

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

**-It** **’s Never Been Safe, You Idiot-**

‘ _So come out, you have been waiting long enough._

_You_ _’re done with all the talk, talk, talk and nothing on the table._

_It_ _’s time to come on out, there will be no sign from above._

_You_ _’ll only hear the knock, knock, knock of your own heart, a signal._

_If you are afraid come out, if you are awake come out,_

_Come out and level up._ _’_

_-Vienna Teng_

**Alec**

It was strange, this feeling. This loss of control and somehow absolute control _of_ the feeling, simultaneously. I was lost to it, but I had chosen to become lost. Did that make sense? Not really. I was lost to Jace, that was crystal clear. I was absolutely, completely lost inside him and I would never be able to exist without him inside me ever again. It was strange to have his light existing within me and for it to not actually _feel_ anything less than normal.

Where he belonged. Where I belonged. Inside each other always and utterly.

It was strange to feel this happy, even while Sebastian rambled on with insane attention to detail about the longterm plans of the demon Belaphim. Happiness had never really come easily to me.

Jace, the consummate Shadowhunter, was listening intently to Sebastian, pacing every now and then. He was worried and furious. He loved me and wanted to protect me. He wanted to kill things, kill anything that had ever looked at me wrong.

I was starting to realise that when either of us experienced intense emotions, they bled between us, no barrier capable of containing it. Jace’s emotions were mine, mimicked helplessly by the soul we shared. The impulse was unstoppable. I was his mirror and he was mine. I wondered, abstractly, if it was a bad thing. It didn’t _feel_ bad.

 _You_ _’re not paying attention_ , he scolded.

_I am. I can multitask._

I couldn’t deny the thrill of knowing that this state between us was permanent. I could _feel_ the permanence of it. There was no going back.

‘Excuse me, are you even paying attention?’ Sebastian asked rather irritably.

I blinked, employing my best Lightwood Eyeroll. ‘The limitations of Belaphim’s power, influence and sway, yes I’m listening. How much of this is necessary?’

‘To understand why the demon has operated this way, yes it is. Who ever thought Alec Lightwood would be on the bed distractedly swooning over his lover while Jace Herondale carefully took in all the details?’ He said it slyly, with only a small amount of humour. Really, he was watching us both carefully. Calculating.

I narrowed my eyes. ‘Why are you so interested in the bond between us?’

He snorted. ‘I’m really not.’ But it was a lie, the once-relegated dark voice informed me. His lie did not require immediate attention, though, so I remained quiet and allowed him to continue. ‘As I was saying, Belaphim’s influence is restricted. All demons who are given small glimpses of the future are highly restricted in their actions so as not to cause too many alternate time-lines and parallel universes. Three is considered the maximum and all their actions and interference is controlled accordingly.’

Karine stood by the door, quiet sentinel to the entire conversation. ‘Wait a moment,’ she said, pinching the bridge of her nose. ‘…what?’

I raised a hand. ‘I’m really with Karine in the _what_ stakes.’

Jace’s mind was racing ahead of mine and his understanding was actually rather impressive, but I was still confused even with his help.

Sebastian’s mouth thinned and he clearly exerted effort to be patient. ‘Right then. Belaphim can see the future _very rarely_. Every six or seven years he sees a flash of his life in the future. Sometimes very far ahead, sometimes only a few years. With me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Six years ago Belaphim saw something in his future he did not like. I don’t know what it was, but it involved you two. Belaphim decided to change it.’ He paused, eyes swivelling to me to make sure I hadn’t wandered back into a passionate internal monologue about Jace again. ‘Through his limited ability to navigate the future, he began to painstakingly plan that one or _both_ of you needed to be dead by this morning. He is now very upset that his plans have failed.’

‘What plans, though? How did he _plan_ this?’

‘Good God,’ Sebastian shook his head, eyes wide. ‘How have you devolved this much? His influence is _limited_. He can’t just hire assassins. He has to stay very closely within the realms of how this time-line would proceed without his prescience and if there is change, it must be gradual. Very gradual. He can only influence people, be around when bad decisions are made and hope to push them a little more off balance than they usually would have been.’

Jace’s expression was set in stone. ‘He knew I’d bargain to find Alec.’

Sebastian rubbed his neck. ‘From what I now know, Belaphim influenced the decisions that _led_ to Alec being taken in the first place. His scheming dates back years ago and is far reaching.’

Jace and I exchanged glances. ‘How far reaching?’

‘It’s difficult to unravel the entire thing, but I can confidently say that Belaphim aided Nicholas Sang in creating the compound. Sang was desperate to have his wife be human, drowning in insecurity and jealousy of her power.’

‘That’s not what he told us.’

‘Maybe you should have been there while I was cutting through his foot tendons, he was a lot more honest.’

‘So, Belaphim helped Sang create the compound, then what?’ Jace asked tightly.

‘Understand, Belaphim didn’t swoop in and roll up his sleeves. He can’t take corporeal form in this universe. He offered Sang guidance, little more. A nudge.’

‘A nudge to get him to create this thing?’

‘To create something different to what Sang was actually set on inventing, which would have, at best, resulted in a method of draining demonic and angelic power from all humanoid beings. Instead, Sang invented the drug we’ve all experienced.’

I got to my feet, shaking my head. ‘So, this demon has been pulling strings for years, trying to herd us where he wanted? To last night?’

‘Yes. There are many events in which his influence can be traced.’

Jace went very still. ‘Did he… was he involved in…?’

I went to Jace, taking his hand in mine, offering strength and comfort. He was staring at Sebastian, not able to vocalise his question, but Sebastian seemed to understand all the same.

‘Yes,’ he said quietly, avoiding Jace’s stare. ‘Belaphim wasn’t _directly_ involved, but his fingerprints are all over it. That… event,’ he settled on for lack of a better word. ‘was pivotal, apparently.’

A dark, violent anger slowly brewed inside me. This _thing_ had orchestrated every bad thing that had befallen us the last few months in the hopes of pushing one or both of us to suicide.

‘Because it was meant to drive me to kill myself?’

‘Or Alec. Either was fine, both was ideal.’

Jace’s voice was like ice. ‘And you knew about this before, right?’

Sebastian didn’t blink. ‘Yes, I knew the demon wanted you both dead. I was waiting to see how it affected Clary, if at all, before I acted.’

‘I don’t think there’s enough of that drug in the world to make you a good person.’

‘Probably not, but its better than who I am without it, trust me.’

I stroked my thumb over Jace’s knuckles, holding his hand very tight. Without realising, I was slowly pulling him towards me, moving to shield him from Sebastian and his vile revelations. Jace allowed the proximity, but he kept his frontal posture, not once looking away from the silver haired man on his knees.

‘Why does he want us dead?’

Sebastian shook his head, anticipating backlash. ‘I really do not know.’

‘Do you have an educated guess?’ I snapped.

‘Logic dictates one or both of you will eventually kill Belaphim and he is attempting to subvert his own fate, but I genuinely don’t know. Demons are tricky and they guard secrets with violent jealousy.’

‘So neither of us died like he wanted,’ I said, looking around the room, trying to piece everything together. ‘Now he’s launching an all out attack on everyone? How is _that_ not fucking with the time-line?’

Inclining his head, Sebastian said, ‘It’s a brash move, but still relatively calculated. Belaphim knows all the moving parts in your life, he knows your family, friends, enemies.’ He cleared his throat, dark eyes hooded. ‘I believe he anticipated the fact that if Clary was threatened, I might kill you both to protect her.’

Karine chuckled bitterly, but said nothing.

‘Is that why you came here?’

‘I hadn’t decided until I saw you both from outside.’

My lip curled in disgust. ‘Clary deserves so much better than you for family.’

‘Yes, she does. Unfortunately, I’m not going anywhere at the moment, though. I will help you because that is in Clary’s best interests. I’d like to stand up now if that’s all right?’

I glanced at Karine and nodded slightly, letting her know it was fine for him to move. She was incredibly menacing, even in her pyjamas. ‘Alec, I should wake ‘ze others?’

‘No, let them sleep. Izzy hasn’t had a good nights sleep in weeks,’ Jace said. ‘Could you swing by HQ and casually check everything is OK? We need to talk to Sebastian a little more.’

‘Bien sur, cherie,’ the tall woman replied, tossing a disdainful look at Sebastian as she left.

‘I like her,’ Sebastian said with a nod, getting to his feet. His stance was casual and relaxed, but Jace and I both knew how dangerous he potentially was. We didn’t relax, didn’t let our guard down. We were trained killers, after all. ‘She almost executed me, you know? Nearly cut my head off.’

Jace smiled coldly. ‘She’s a keeper, unlike some others.’

‘How long have you been watching us?’

‘I’ve been watching you all for a couple of days, mostly Clary. Look, I’m not remotely affected by how much you hate me so please don’t waste your energy. I’m here to offer my help, not audition for the role of the lovable villain within your little gang.’

Jace made Sebastian go over it three more times. Every single piece of information he knew about what Belaphim had orchestrated, what he was involved with, how Sebastian knew each part of it.

My Parabatai was reeling against the feeling of finding himself in the centre of a complex and insidious spider web, as was I.

When it looked like Jace was going to insist upon going over it again, Sebastian quickly cut across him and turned to me. ‘I have a lead,’ he said. ‘Someone who bargained with Belaphim a couple of years back. She owes him and he’s been letting her pay him back with favours.’

‘What kind of favours.’

‘Influencing people’s decisions.’

‘How?’

Sebastian shrugged. ‘She’s a psychic, a medium actually. She owns a fancy place and operates from there.’

My blood turned cold. ‘Sashinda Morr?’

‘Yes, how did you know?’

Jace’s eyes snapped to mine as he pored over my thoughts and memories.

‘Fuck!’ he swore. ‘That _bitch_!’

Sebastian pointedly sighed. ‘So this is life as a third wheel. Care to explain?’

‘I went to a medium for advice and she… she told me things.’

‘Bad things?’ Sebastian hazarded.

‘Yes. I mean, it was all technically true, I guess? She just kind of nudged me towards…’

‘Towards killing yourself?’

I swallowed down the shame. ‘Yeah.’

Sebastian either didn’t care or, well no - he just definitely didn’t care. ‘You see, that’s how it has to be. She couldn’t outright _lie_. Minimal influence, a dozen little nudges off the edge of a cliff.’

‘Fucking hell, Alec,’ Jace muttered, the memory of me out on that ledge was sore and stinging in his heart. ‘A _medium_ , really?’

‘I needed guidance.’

‘And she gave it, just the wrong kind,’ Sebastian said decisively. ‘We start with her, I think.’

He looked ready to leave. ‘What, right now?’

‘While she’s asleep, yes.’

‘We can’t just leave the others,’ I pointed out with a deep frown. ‘Especially not if everyone is in danger because the demon put out a hit-list or whatever.’

‘I’ve erected a shield around the Institute,’ Sebastian said. ‘And around Clary while she’s at Luke’s, of course. It’s powerful enough to hold for a few hours, four maximum. After that, you may want to get your magical ex on the case. I suggest we have concrete information before it folds and we have to involve the others.’

‘You could be lying, using the others as bait to divert attention from Clary.’

Sebastian laughed. ‘If it was just you two, maybe. But Isabelle means too much to Clary and even if it guaranteed her safety, I couldn’t do that to her.’

Jace and I stared, not entirely sure what to believe, but we needed to follow up on the lead. For now, it was the best plan we had.

* * *

Suited and booted, I couldn’t help but feel a dark thrill of excitement as we headed out into the night. Maybe it was having Jace by my side, maybe the anticipation of finding the grandmaster who had orchestrated this whole thing… maybe just the way Jace looked in his gear. How many times had we fought side by side? Thousands. It had never affected me like this. My desire for him was usually locked away, kept at bay by self loathing and a rigor mortis-style control.

I did not have that control any more. I didn’t need it.

Sashinda lived close by, which was both helpful and unsettling. The three of us entered her building expertly. Sebastian, for how much I wanted to drop kick him, was admittedly extremely helpful. Izzy was right, he did have some kind of _magic_. I wanted to ask him about it, but we were more than a little preoccupied.

Morr’s apartment was luxurious and filled with expensive, aesthetically pleasing furniture. We looked around silently, getting a feel for the lay out. In her living room, though, I was surprised to find her sitting on the sofa in the dark.

‘You’re a little late,’ she commented neutrally, turning on a nearby lamp. She was fully dressed, wearing shoes and a coat, her prominent pregnancy bump creating a shadow.

Jace and I looked at each other, but Sebastian didn’t seem fazed.

‘I’m almost impressed,’ he commented. ‘But not quite. Any Medium worth their salt would run far and fast if they knew I was coming.’

Morr grimaced mildly. ‘Running wouldn’t have made a difference.’

‘No, it really wouldn’t.’

We waited for her to talk, confident that she didn’t need persuading, but I remained aware of my weapon at all times. I maintained a level head, despite the knowledge that the last time I’d seen her, she had successfully convinced me of something so monstrous it had forever scarred me, even with the knowledge of it being a lie now.

‘Before you start interrogating me,’ she prefaced. ‘Know that I’m in contract with Belaphim.’

Jace asked, ‘And? What does that mean?’

‘It means I can’t break the terms of our contract and that includes revealing his location. Its a standard clause he invokes when using humans for his own means.’

‘We don’t need his location,’ Sebastian said.

‘That’s good,’ Morr said with a slow nod. ‘He’s going to be all over you soon, anyway. You want information. I can provide that, albeit in limited fashion.’

‘Provide away, then.’

Morr looked at me for the first time, placid eyes unmoved by what she saw. ‘I’m glad you didn’t jump, Alec,’ she said. ‘Though things would have been a lot less complicated if you had,’ she added, looking sadly at her bump.

Jace started forward, but I reached for his wrist and gently pulled him back.

_She_ _’s pregnant, Jace._

_I wasn_ _’t going to touch her,_ he said, but he didn’t fully believe that.

 _We need her to tell us what she knows_.

_She_ _’s a spiteful, manipulative bitch who nearly killed you, Alec!_

_No, she didn_ _’t. It was my actions, not hers and my responsibility to undo it. We need information. Stay calm, baby. I’m right here._

Jace took comfort, but he never let his glare waver from the medium.

Morr smiled. ‘How incredible to _feel_ you two talking through telepathically. It vibrates, you know? The link between you is a filament of light; thin and stretching, but unbreakable. Even death would not break it now. You speak like children using tin can telephones. I’ve never seen it before in my lifetime and I’ve actually known Parabatai who’ve consummated the bond. You’re quite something else.’

‘Wasting time is dangerous,’ Sebastian pointed out softly with an edge of malice.

‘Then ask me what you will.’

‘Why does Belaphim want them dead?’

‘That’s not information I, not anyone else, would be privy to. Do better.’

I swept in quickly. ‘Why did he only want one of us dead before? Why not just both us from the start?’

Morr blinked. ‘I don’t know that.’

‘But you suspect something?’

‘I suspect many things, most of them never come to pass, thankfully.’

Frustrated, Jace drew his weapon. ‘What _do_ you know, then?’

‘I know I’ll be dead by tomorrow, torn to shreds by lower demons who worship Belaphim, unless I end my own life tonight or run.’

‘We can help you run,’ I interjected quickly. ‘You and your baby. Help us and we’ll help you.’

For the first time, Morr seemed uncertain. ‘This is dark territory now. At least one of you was supposed to be dead by now. Several times I saw both of you dead.’

I closed my eyes against the pain of that potential future, even though we had negated it. Jace experienced a dizzying kind of terror, the idea of losing me in any world or reality was unthinkable to him. ‘But here you are and Belaphim is _furious_. His window of traceless interference has closed.’

‘Come again?’

‘Imagine a deer hunter. He stalks the animal, camps out and learns the routine of the creature. He spends time aiming that perfect shot, but when he _does_ fire, he has to hit the target or the creature will run and be wary ever more.’

‘We’re aware of him now,’ Jace said with a decisive nod. ‘And now we’re coming for him.’

‘He will be reckless and stop at nothing to kill you.’

‘He has no form in this universe, though,’ Sebastian pointed out.

‘His followers do, a vast band of lower demons have been actively collecting virginal blood for months now under cover of darkness, some of them even raiding blood banks.’

With a jolt, I thought of the two girls in the back of the van with the demons.

‘I killed a demon who was drawing blood from two girls,’ I blurted out.

‘Yes,’ Morr said gravely.

Jace inclined his head. ‘Demons have always done that, it’s common practise.’

‘Not to this extent,’ Morr said. ‘They’re working overtime, gathering power to make a move on the behalf of their master. That power was intended for consolidation purposes, but now it is being aimed at you and yours.’

‘How?’

‘A siege, I think. An onslaught of demons aimed at your Institute, intended to wipe it off the map.’

My fists were bloodless, fingers tight around the hilt of my blade.

‘When?’

‘Soon.’

Something roused inside me, a part of me latching onto that one word and frowning intently at it. Suspicion and intense mistrust bloomed, though I couldn’t say why.

Jace looked at me fully, his serious expression wiped clean for a moment in recognition of something.

 _Other Alec,_ he thought, helpless to phrase it any other way. I felt his pleasure at recognising that part of me which he had come to love, especially as he’d thought it to be lost.

‘How soon?’ Sebastian was asking. ‘Where are the demons now?’

‘I don’t know. How on earth would I know something like that?’

‘You seem to know a considerable amount for a ruthless Medium, actually.’

‘I know nothing concrete. All I know is that things would have been better for your family if you had died, Alec.’

Jace started forward so abruptly, I almost didn’t grab him in time to stop him from hitting her. Just barely holding onto him, I moved him back, arms around his torso. Swiftly, I pulled him outside, into the hallway and released him there to calm himself down.

‘Fucking bitch,’ he muttered, roughly wiping the back of his hand over his eyes. ‘I swear by the Angel, if she makes one more snipe—’

Jace froze, looking down the dark length of the hallway. The bedroom door was ajar. His senses and mine went on high alert. There was something _not right_ in that room and we could both feel it. Silently, I went first, while he provided cover, leaving Sebastian in the living room with Morr.

Flat against the frame, I pushed on the frame and the door swung silently open, nothing but darkness inside, yet the feeling intensified.

‘Alec,’ Jace said slowly, moving ahead of me into the room.

I reached around and turned on the light. My breath caught sharply in my throat.

Sashinda Morr was everywhere.

* * *

_I was fourteen and I made a mistake._

_It was the first time Izzy, Jace and I went on a solo patrol. Jade had been begging for it for weeks, months even. Hodge had given in at last, deeming us ready. I was the oldest and at fourteen, considered more than ready to patrol without supervision, but Jace and Izzy were younger and it had given Hodge pause until now._

_Patrol had led to a nest; an abandoned building in which the basement had been taken over by lower demons, draining blood from humans. They even had apparatus, none of that ritual blood letting over a stone bowl for them. Needles, tubes, blood bags and iceboxes._

_It was stupid, really. Hand to hand combat had never been my forte, there was no chance of beating Jace - who was talent personified in that area - and so I_ _’d never really tried to be any better than I was, honing my skill elsewhere. Archery was my skill, always had been._

_But when I ran out of arrows, things went sideways._

_I was fourteen and I realised for the first time what death really was._

_The mistake was so small, so fucking simple. No arrows, bow discarded and in the heat of the moment, I pulled my blade out with the wrong hand. I didn_ _’t even know how it happened, I’d never done it before. The mistake caused a delay, which triggered an unguarded moment, which led to the demon sensing an opening._

_The demon leapt, mouth gaping and murderous. I stared, frozen with a kind of panic I_ _’d been trained out of long ago, except no, I definitely_ hadn’t _because it was filling my entire being._

_I was going to die because of a tiny, stupid mistake._

_The demon landed on me mouth first, right in in the curve between neck and shoulder. The impact of it rattled my bones, teeth sinking in deeply and it shook its head back and forth, worrying at me like a rag doll. The pain was an unbearable, tone deaf symphony, making me see stars. This was death, then?_

_Distantly, I heard Jace screaming and a weak surge of panic hit me that maybe he was hurt and needed me, except I was dying and useless. It took me a moment to realise that he was screaming because of_ me _._

_Izzy, who was closer, came running and my brilliant sister cut the demon in half. The bite turned lax, teeth leaving my torn epidermis. I fell to my knees and tried to keep steady, eyes latched onto the two halves of the thing that had tried to eat me._

_‘Huh,’ I said and pitched forward. Jace came skidding over, grabbing me with frantic hands._

_‘Fuck, fuck, no, come on, stop it!’ he babbled furiously, voice cracking. ‘Alec, ALEC!’ he slapped my face lightly a few times as Izzy went to work drawing runes over my chest, over my heart. Izzy handed him something, some kind of material, and Jace pressed it against the side of my neck so hard I could barely breathe. ‘Stay still, stop moving! What were you doing, huh? What were you thinking?’_

_‘I forgot… what hand to use,’ I explained thickly, throat definitely not right at all, mouth full of blood. My body was turning numb, but that might have been the runes, drawing energy to heal me. I hoped that was what it was._

_‘He’s lost a lot of blood,’ Izzy said, dark blue eyes finding mine. ‘Alec, do you feel cold?’_

_I wanted to tell her that I was fine. I was the eldest, the tallest, the big brother. I was fine and nothing would ever hurt me or kill me._

_‘I feel numb,’ I said, barely a breathy whisper._

_Izzy swore._ _‘It’s torn his jugular, I don’t know what to do.’_

_Jace_ _’s hands were drenched in my blood, pressed firmly against my neck. ‘Close the wound!’ he yelled at her._

_‘It’s closing, I think,’ she said. ‘Let me see it.’_

_Jace lifted the material and I could breathe again, but pain flooded in immediately._ _‘Shit!’ Jace swore, immediately pressing it back. ‘It’s healing, but not quick enough. He’s still losing way too much blood! What do we do?’_

_‘We could make a tourniquet if it wasn’t his neck, uh…’ Izzy shook her head frantically. ‘Cauterise the wound, somehow?’_

_‘With what?’_

_‘How should I know?! Check it again!’_

_My vision was swimming, body prickling with pins and needles._

_This time when Jace carefully lifted the material up an inch, relief slammed into him hard enough that his exhale shuddered._ _‘It’s closing, not bleeding so much.’_

_‘About time, I drew about ten thousand fucking runes on him!’_

_‘He’s still lost way too much blood,’ Jace said worriedly. ‘Look at it, it’s everywhere. Alec, hey, look at me, OK?’_

_I tried to focus, but the world was slipping away._

_‘Jace?’ I slurred, seeking him out._

_‘It’s gonna be fine,’ he promised, bending over me to press his forehead to mine. ‘I won’t let you leave,’ he whispered, so quiet I could barely make it out. ‘You hear me? You’re not leaving me here without you.’_

_‘Jace?’ Izzy sounded uncertain. ‘What do we—’_

_‘Get the tubes over there.’_

_‘What?’_

_‘Get them, quickly. There’s a sink in the corner, wash them best you can and bring them here, the needles too.’_

_I couldn_ _’t see anything anymore, I was slipping. This was what it felt like to die, I realised. I was just… leaving, really slowly. It was almost nice. I decided that dying in Jace’s arms was a good way to go._

_‘Shut up!’ he snapped under his breath and I realised I must have said that out loud. ‘Don’t you_ dare _even think of dying, you understand? Izzy, come on!_ _’_

_I tried to open my eyes, but the world was a muddle of black and grey blobs, melting together._

_‘There was a fresh pack of needles, but the tubes had all been used,’ she said. ‘Jace, this is so dangerous…’_

_‘We can do a blood cleaning ritual after, whatever it takes, but he’s_ dying _Izzy! I can feel him slipping away._ _’_

_I laughed dazedly._ _‘Same word I thought. Slipping. Sssss-lip-ping.’_

_‘Find a vein in his arm,’ he instructed and Izzy was pawing my at forearm, then slapping it. I could barely feel it. ‘Hit him harder, you have to find one!’_

_Izzy slapped my skin as hard as she could, my arm stinging in a tingly way._

_‘Good, now attach the needle to the tube. Quick!’_

_My poor Jace, he was so fraught. Everything was going to be fine, just fine._

_‘Good, now push it into the vein.’_

_‘Ouch,’ I said, conversationally, my own word echoing around my head._

_‘Now hold it steady with one hand and with your other, press down against his neck, right here.’_

_‘OK,’ Izzy said shakily. ‘It’s gonna be OK, Alec.’_

_‘’S what ‘m tryin’ to say.’_

_‘OK, see there? Twist the regulator, let the air bubbles out. Yeah, good. Now close it. Good, that’s good.’_

_‘Jace, this is so fucked.’_

_‘No it’s not,’ he insisted. ‘It’s fine.’_

_For a while, no one spoke. I mumbled words every now and then, reminding myself I wasn_ _’t quite dead yet. After an undetermined amount of time, though, I started to feel warm. My arm no longer felt numb. Then my shoulder. Then my legs._

_The cold, numb feeling was leaving._

_But something else was happening. Something wonderful. Something terrible._

_‘Jace,’ I rasped, throat hurting like I’d swallowed razorblades._

_‘I’m here,’ he said breathlessly. ‘I’m right here.’_

_‘That’s enough,’ Izzy said._

_‘No! He needs more.’_

_‘You’re going to pass out!’_

_‘’M OK,’ Jace insisted and I opened my eyes, willing the world to take shape and let me back into it. Let me back in so I could see my sister and my Jace again._

_‘Alec? Can you hear me?’ Izzy asked, her face close to mine._

_I nodded slowly._ _‘What’s…?’_

_‘Jace is giving you his blood.’_

_I didn_ _’t have any words for that. I hadn’t been fully aware of it, but some part of me had. Some part had realised a while back that my Parabatai was gifting me the blood from his own veins, keeping me alive by putting himself inside me and making himself weaker to give me strength._

_‘It’s all right,’ Jace told me, sensing my discomfort. He was sitting just out my line of vision, I wanted to turn my head to see him, but it wasn’t possible._

_‘That’s enough,’ Izzy said with vicious finality. She yanked the needle from my arm and pressed down quickly. ‘This is so fucking dangerous, we don’t have any idea what it could do to_ either _of you!_ _’_

_‘What was the alternative, let him die?’_

_‘We could have given him_ my _blood!_ _’ my sister all but screamed._

_Jace fell painfully silent, his emotions radiating vaguely within me. Hurt, shame, guilt that he had wanted his blood to save me, that no other option had even occurred to him._

_‘He’s alive,’ he said softly. ‘That’s all that matters.’_

_‘Fucking_ boys _!_ _’ Izzy snarled. ‘Alec, stop trying to sit up! You just had your throat torn out!’_

_‘That’s an… exaggeration,’ I rasped, coughing slightly. I heard shuffling and Jace came closer, enough that I could see him and his tear stained face; perfect tracks through the dirt and grime. He was so beautiful._

_‘Do you feel better?’ he breathed, hand splayed over my chest, careful not to apply pressure. His arm was bare, a thin trickle of blood leading back to where he’d given me part of himself. Izzy got to her feet, heading up the stairs to seek help probably._

_‘Yes,’ I said, wanting him closer, wanting contact with him because we were Parabatai (nothing else, nothing else!) and we would both heal better if we were touching. Everything would be all right if we were touching. ‘Thank you.’_

_He smiled and shook his head, two more tears falling down the pre-existing track lines._ _‘You’re welcome. Thank you for not leaving me.’_

_‘How could I?’_

_‘You almost did.’_

_‘Never,’ I said, meaning it. ‘Never, Jace.’_

_He stared at me, weighing my words and a million other things about me and us and our bond and what it meant that I nearly went away, despite my best intentions._

_‘You can’t do that to me,’ he said, moving closer, moving his hand across my freshly runed and blood-splattered chest. ‘What would I do without you?’_

_I swallowed painfully._ _‘Live?’_

_‘No,’ he said after a long moment of contemplation. ‘I don’t think so.’_

_‘Guess I’d better be more careful then, huh?’ I said, two tears of my own spilling down the side of my head and into my hair._

_‘Yes,’ he said slowly, laying his head against my chest, over my heart. Guardian of my heartbeat. ‘Please.’_

_I was fourteen and I realised for the first time what death really was. Death was abhorrent and vicious and quiet. Death could come at any moment when I wasn_ _’t at my absolute best. Death was what we Shadowhunters wielded, but it was also my enemy._

_If I died, death would take us both._

* * *

‘Fuck. Oh _fuck_!’

Literally everywhere. Barely an inch of the tastefully decorated cobalt blue room was free of splattered meat. An explosion of blood and gore, hair and bone.

Jace looked at me, fear ringing clearly between us both. We turned and ran back down the hall, bursting into the room where Sebastian was still calmly talking to whatever the fuck was pretending to be Morr.

‘…can’t really expect us to believe — Alec, what is it?’

‘That’s not her!’ I gasped, weapons drawn and aimed at the very calm Medium. ‘Sashinda Morr is dead.’

‘Very,’ Not-Morr agreed. ‘It was quick, though. A rare gift.’

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed. ‘You don’t smell like a demon.’

‘Congratulations, little half breed. You possess the basic skills of a dog.’

‘Are you Belaphim?’ Jace demanded.

‘No,’ it said with a slow smile. ‘That would be pretty stupid, wouldn’t it?’

‘Who are you, then?’

The being shrugged. ‘A friend.’

‘Of?’

‘We have not yet decided.’

‘Why does Belaphim want us dead?’

The thing narrowed its eyes, gazing off to the side. ‘This has been in motion for a long time, but no one knows the reason why. For many years now, we have waited to learn this. We are curious. What powers do these Shadowhunters truly wield for the great Belaphim to sully himself with human endeavours and favours?’

‘Why did you kill her?’

‘Belaphim ordered it. He has ordered the killing of all who helped him, even those who aided him unknowingly. Belaphim is… unravelling.’

‘Why did you wait for us?’

‘We were curious, wanting to see these troublesome Nephilim in the flesh, taste the air around them, see what makes them special.’

‘And?’

It smiled too wide, the first physical slip that indicated it was anything other than human.

‘You _are_ special, more so than either of you realise.’

Jace sneered. ‘How _touching_!’

‘Belaphim was remiss to not even consider capture. The power of your bond and blood is significant. We would have taken you both, years ago, had we known. Made you consummate the bond. How strange to see little angels with such power.’

A flicker of fear went through me.

‘What power?’

A chuckle that rumbled and purred. ‘Not the kind you assume,’ it said. ‘Not the woven tales spun by the Clave, silly giants and such. Yours is something much more… concentrated.’ It tasted the air, moving forward a little. Jace and I raised our weapons in warning, but the thing wearing Morr’s face did not go any further. ‘Are you _related?_ _’_ it asked at length.

‘No,’ I said, very clearly. ‘Of course we’re not.’

But the thing didn’t relent. ‘Are you sure? Your blood sings of something similar. Something… shared.’

Jace internally panicked, recalling a memory I had long since relegated to my _Folder of Times Jace Saved My Life._ The time I’d fucked up and hesitated to draw my weapon or something, it was so long ago. A demon had bitten my neck and Jace had…

The _thing_ was watching us both with a delighted anticipation, eyes wide and still, tongue running over its bottom lip.

‘Yes?’ it prompted.

Sebastian graced us with an irritable look. ‘Out loud, if you wouldn’t mind?’

‘I…’ Jace cleared his throat, back of his neck burning. ‘I gave Alec a blood transplant once. He was dying and there were tubes and needles, I just… I gave him my blood.’

‘Interesting,’ Sebastian said.

‘Very,’ the thing agreed. ‘Though it is _not_ the sole reason Belaphim wants you dead, I believe.’

‘It doesn’t mean anything, anyway,’ I said defensively because Jace’s mind was going to all kinds of bad places about the word _related._ ‘People give blood all the time, that doesn’t make them siblings or whatever the fuck you’re implying!’

‘Of course,’ it said, shrugging gracefully. ‘But you were already Parabatai. You combined soul, then body.’

‘Make the fucking point already!’ Jace demanded fractiously.

‘Because you cannot say it aloud yourself?’ it teased.

‘The transplant,’ Sebastian said, staring at us both. ‘It caused the bond to intensify?’

‘Massively, we would think,’ Not-Morr said. ‘Could you _feel_ each other, after that? Physically?’

I didn’t want to answer, this had all turned around so fast. ‘Sometimes,’ I admitted grudgingly. ‘I could feel him, yeah.’

‘That means nothing,’ Jace insisted, throwing me a furious glance like I’d betrayed him somehow. ‘A blood transplant means _nothing_!’

The thing looked extremely pleased. ‘We see now,’ it said. ‘Why Belaphim was so worried.’

‘Oh?’ Sebastian asked. ‘Care to share?’

‘Not really. We look forward to seeing this play out.’

It vanished into thin fucking air, leaving behind the slowly creeping scent of Sashinda Morr’s rapidly decaying body and the start of Jace’s panic attack.

* * *

Unable to bear the thought of acting as beacons for possible destruction and death, Jace and I insisted on going to the apartment for the rest of the night while Sebastian lurked around outside the Luke’s, checking on his barrier and keeping his sister safe. He assured us that the barrier was stable outside the Institute until dawn.

‘You decorated,’ Jace observed when I closed the door on the outside world.

‘Oh,’ I said, remembering. My plant on the widow needed water, I realised guiltily. ‘Yeah, just a few things.’

The sofa was a flat as a pancake, but everything else remained the same. Jace wandered into the kitchen and I tried to give him a little privacy, but it wasn’t possible. If he’d really wanted to be alone, he wouldn’t have asked me to come there with him.

‘You got cups,’ he said quietly, examining one. I nodded distractedly, debating whether or not to re-inflate the sofa and ultimately deciding against it.

‘So we could have coffee.’

‘You got them in different colours. Did you… did you choose one for each of us?’

I smiled gently. ‘Maybe.’

He knew for whom each colour was intended without having to read my mind. Slowly, he filled one of them with water and then brought the cup into the living room. He poured the water carefully over my plant, drenching the soil and giving it life with liquid.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered and I knew he wasn’t talking to the plant.

‘Stop it,’ I said, approaching him with barely contained intent to hold him close and never let go. ‘Don’t even say it, Jace.’

‘I have to,’ he said, eyes closed. ‘I gave you this, started it with my blood.’

‘No,’ I said, taking the empty cup from his fingers. ‘I loved you since the day we met. You’re my world, you always have been.’

‘What if…?’ his breath hitched and I twined my fingers with his, skin to skin a blissful life preserver. ‘What if we only feel this way because of the blood? Because we’re…fuck, I don’t know. Attracted to each other because of it?’

_I was in love with you before that, Jace. Maybe forever. It doesn_ _’t mean anything. Unless…_

Delicately, I moved into the slipstream of his mind and he let out a sigh, hand tightening. I bit my lip, searching my beautiful Parabatai for any signs of what I feared.

That maybe _he_ didn’t love me this way before the stupid blood transfusion.

‘Alec,’ he said, but he didn’t tell me stop and he didn’t _want_ me to stop.

I went through his memories, the experience enough to make me forget that I was Alec Lightwood. When reliving his experiences and feelings in this way, I was Jace Herondale. His mind was water; a moving river and each droplet was a memory, an experience, a realisation. Some areas were shallow, some deep, some warm and glistening, some dark and treacherous. It was always moving, always rushing onwards towards the ocean.

His hand slipped around the back of my neck, pressing his nose to mine.

‘You _are_ the ocean,’ he breathed, voice thick, skin hot and inviting.

I waded into his mind, into _him_. He let me search, unafraid of what I would find. A bright, bubbling area of the river; water sloshing loudly over rocks, creating the most perfect sounds.

 _I loved you since I first saw you_ , he said simply, and then he showed me.

A thousand times he’d smiled at me, barely restraining himself from touching me. All the moments when he’d wanted to kiss me, tell me things that no friends or brothers could ever say without entering irreversibly territory.

 _As if I didn_ _’t feel the same_ , I told him, dragging my lips lightly over his, the gesture almost inadvertent, lost in his mind as I was. _As if I wouldn_ _’t have kissed you back, touched you back, told you I loved you too._

It was dangerous, this whirlpool. There was a strong, determined undertow pulling us both deeper and deeper. Stay forever, it whispered. Stay inside.

But there were reasons to leave and so, with extreme reluctance, I withdrew.

Pulling out of his mind as gently as possible left me unmoored, lost for a moment and confused to be back in my own body once more.

Alec. I was Alec.

‘I thought I’d infected you with how much I loved you,’ he said, brashly. Then he stopped and smiled, shaking his head. ‘OK, when I say it aloud, it sounds ridiculous.’

‘Just a little. What do you want to do now?’

‘I want to kill this thing, Alec,’ he said. ‘We’re going to do it together.’

I ran my fingers through his shorter, but still _oh-so-fucking-painfully-beautiful_ hair and he let out a sigh, leaning into the contact. It felt like weeks since we’d kissed properly, but in reality it was hours.

‘Yes, we are,’ I promised him. ‘But we’re going to be smart about it. I’m not about to get everything I ever wanted, only to lose it.’

‘Agreed. Is there coffee? I could really use some right now.’

‘What about a stamina rune?’ I offered, a slight edge of teasing there despite my best intentions.

He cocked a suspicious, amused eyebrow at me, heading for the kitchen. ‘I think you only want to draw that on me just so you can wear it down.’

He felt it, threw me a warm, glittering smile that spoke of all the things we might do later. He went about making coffee and I contented myself by wrapping my arms about his middle, resting my chin on his shoulder, watching the mundane tasks. Jace made me a coffee without asking.

‘What were you going to ask me, earlier?’ he asked, very quietly, stirring the hot coffee.

I answered quickly, before my mind tattled on me.

‘I was going to ask you to marry me.’

A broken little breath escaped his lips, hands trembling. He’d kind of known what I was going to say, but hearing it was quite something else. I smiled against the shell of his ear and pressed an errant kiss there.

‘I now realise that was terrible timing. I’ll have to think of something far more impressive. Something you won’t expect.’

He laughed shakily, hands flat against the countertop. His mind was oddly silent, heart spinning and racing and singing loud enough to silence rational thought.

‘I’ll try to act surprised.’

* * *

For hours, we sat on the floor together, talking, surrounded by the little things I’d bought in my attempts to make this place some kind of _home_. We talked about Valentine. For some reason, Jace had been thinking about him a lot lately. Jace didn’t often speak about his past, but with no boundaries between us any more, he was of the opinion that we may as well speak about such things.

No more hiding, no more secrets.

But also, no more surprises. For anything to ever have even a small element of the unexpected, it would have to be completely off the cuff. I didn’t mind so much, but I would like to surprise Jace sometimes with… certain things.

Inevitably, the conversation turned to other things. Darker areas we had not yet had time to broach. With no sleep on the horizon yet again, I carefully asked him about how he felt, even though I already knew the answers.

He told me about this feeling that had come upon him while those men carried him into the old building, one of the few and last things he remembered. It was a feeling of utter worthlessness. That what was about to happen was _his_ fault for getting so drunk, for going out alone, for having a reputation.

‘I felt…’ he paused, searching for the right word. ‘The lowest I’ve ever felt, I think. I’d never felt so worthless in my whole life. Now,’ he said managing a small smile as he reached out and pushed my hair back for the sake of it. ‘Now I can see that I’m not worthless, does that make sense? I think… if it happened today instead of when it did, I wouldn’t feel like that. I’m _me_ again, or like, the better version of me. I _know_ I’m not worthless.’

‘I’m glad you see that,’ I told him quietly, gazing at him.

‘It doesn’t make it better or anything,’ he laughed without humour, looking down. ‘But I can feel that shit is gone and that’s something, right?’

‘I think so.’

‘I know what you plan to tell the Clave,’ he said at length, after a comfortable silence, spent in each others’ minds. ‘I don’t like it, but it might actually work.’

‘Why don’t you like it?’

‘Because you really _could_ have died,’ he said, a small crease between his eyebrows. ‘If I was any later, just a few seconds later… Belaphim would have everything he wanted and I would be… fuck. Probably dead too.’

‘We’re not, though,’ I said levelly. ‘And I don’t want to have to hide how much I love you. I spent long enough doing that already. Pretending one of us died and was brought back is the best way to go about it. We don’t have the runes anymore, they’d struggle to contest that the bond is broken.’

He picked at the carpet, eyes downcast. ‘I would run with you, y’know. If it didn’t work. They could take my runes, I wouldn’t care.’

‘If this works, and I think it will, neither will be necessary, but I know you would. I’d do the same for you. Anything.’

He knew that, but it made him smile to hear me say it anyway.

* * *

Magnus called at a bad time.

Well, technically he called at a really, _really_ fucking wonderful time, but still.

‘Fucking hell, Alec, if you answer that I’ll—’

‘Hello?’

_‘Alexander, sorry for calling so late, but…oh, I take it you weren’t asleep?’_

Breathing like I’d been running a marathon, I swallowed, mouth dry from panting, and shrugged.

‘No, what’s up?’

Beneath me, Jace giggled and mouthed the word, ‘ _Up?_ _’_ He ran his hands absently up and down my back, legs locked around the back of my thighs.

‘ _Well, like every other instance of us speaking in the last few months, it_ _’s not a social call. One day it will be, though. You can all take me out very socially and buy me things from Cartier.’_

‘That sounds nice,’ I said reasonably and waited for him to go on.

_‘I don’t want to discuss it over the phone, obviously. Can I portal over to you now?’_

_Now?_ Hastily, Jace and I began to untangle from each other. ‘Uhhh,’ I stalled, scrabbling to find my pants. ‘We’re not at the Institute, actually.’

Magnus sighed. _‘I really wouldn’t ask if it weren’t urgent.’_

‘I’m not lying,’ I said, almost tripping over, balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder. ‘I’m just… I’ll text you the address and you can portal over here.’

_‘All right, thanks.’_

The new few minutes were spent rapidly and clumsily trying to dress in time before Magnus knocked on the door. We made it back into the clothes we’d shed earlier, but there was little chance or time to do anything about my hair or Jace’s red, bitten lips.

Running my hands through the messy strands and most likely making I worse, I opened the door and tried to look casual.

‘Hey,’ I said, controlling my breathing. ‘Come in.’

He didn’t look especially impressed, but he strode in with a brief smile and didn’t comment on anything else, seeking to be frank instead.

‘Jace,’ he greeted my Parabatai. ‘I’m afraid I come with bad news and a difficult question.’

Jace and I shared a glance. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I need to ask the question first,’ Magnus said, looking at Jace. ‘Did you know they were dead?’

Jace blinked, seeking out the strand between us for any indication that I knew what Magnus was talking about.

‘Sorry?’

‘Did you know they were dead or… did you kill them yourself?’

‘Kill who?’

Magnus shifted uncomfortably, throwing me a look. ‘You know, I presume?’

I frowned, not liking this at all. ‘Know what?’

‘Alec,’ Jace said quietly. ‘He means… y’know.’

All at once, I felt irrationally protective of Jace, wanting to guard him against having to talk about or deal with it in any capacity.

‘Yes, I know,’ I said stiffly, moving closer to Jace. ‘What of it?’

Magnus took a steadying breath. ‘The perpetrators are dead.’

Jace flinched. ‘What?’

He looked at me right away, searching me to see if I knew anything about it. The idea that I had gone out into the night and killed the men who hurt him was both insulting and pleasing because of _course_ I would have done it (would have loved to do it) but I knew he’d made me - albeit _other_ me -swear not to.

 _Sorry_ , he said, offering comfort when he quickly deduced I hadn’t killed anyone recently.

 _It_ _’s fine,_ I said honestly. _I would happily have cut them into pieces, had you said the word._

Magnus rubbed his eyes. ‘Fiery hell in a hand-basket, that’s _really_ obvious, boys.’

Jace bristled. ‘How did they die?’

‘A corrupted batch of cocaine, or so it would seem to most Mundanes, but a friend has told me she detected a layer of poison beneath it which leads to the Shadow world, more directly to _me_!’

‘To you?’

‘Yes, the poison is extremely rare and I have - or _had_ \- the only known quantity in the United States under my watchful protection or so I thought. So,’ he said, swivelling to look at me. ‘Did you take it and kill them with it?’

Jace shook his head. ‘How do you even know its _them_?’

Magnus didn’t answer, waiting for my answer first.

‘No,’ I told him. ‘Though I would have.’

‘How romantic,’ he muttered, but he seemed to believe me. ‘And I know who they were because I investigated it and kept a close eye on them, so nothing like that could happen again to anyone else.’

‘So you kept a close eye on them and _still_ didn’t see who killed them?’

‘Whoever it was, knew what they were doing. It was made to look like they had a fight and then died of heart failure from the bad batch, but…’

‘But?’

‘If you say you didn’t kill them, then I believe you both, but someone _did_ and I need to know who. There are others who’ve died as well, people with connections to you.’

Jace and I experienced a bolt of fear. ‘Who?’

‘No one you’d cry about,’ Magnus said, looking around the apartment. ‘Barzo, Lenwig and his boys. Plus, I don’t know if you remember the medium, Sashinda Moor? She’s dead too.’

‘Yeah, we know,’ I said.

Magnus waited, eyebrows raised in an, _Oh Please, Tell Me More_! kind of style.

I explained briefly about the last few hours. He employed incredible grace and class, not interrupting me the way he so clearly wanted to. When I finished, he magicked up a two sofas and sat on the comfiest looking one.

‘This is really fucked,’ he sighed, conjuring a splendid looking drink with one hand which he downed without even removing the umbrella.

Jace and I sat opposite him. ‘It’s not as fucked as it sounds,’ Jace offered, running his hand along the surface of the sofa; a dark grey velvet Chesterfield. He liked it, hoped it wouldn’t vanish when Magnus left. ‘It’s just one demon. This is all comes from one place, one thing. One head of the snake.’

‘It’s a pretty big snake, Jace.’

‘I take it you don’t know _why_ Belaphim is doing this to us?’

With a grimace, Magnus shook his head. ‘I wish I did. What now, then?’

‘We’re going back to the Institute,’ I said. ‘We need to tell the others and then, I guess we can go from there.’

‘Do they know? About…?’

‘Izzy does,’ I said. ‘But no one else.’

‘All right. Do you want me to Portal you back?’

‘Yeah, I just need to grab a few things,’ Jace said, subtly offering me a moment with Magnus if I needed one.

Magnus, it seemed, did have something to say to me.

‘You haven’t told me about the roof,’ he said, fixing me with a level stare that might have been best suited to a parent. ‘I heard that Belaphim was disappointed no one died, heard that it _almost_ happened, though.’

Despite how much I wanted to, I didn’t look away. ‘It was a misunderstanding.’

‘I know I complain often and loudly about the frequency with which you all trample into my apartment, but I wouldn’t _allow_ it unless I loved and cared for you all. You should have come to me.’

‘I know, Magnus. Everything just got so… dark.’

Magnus sighed heavily. ‘That’s where demons play best.’

* * *

Karine made eggs again as well as bacon, sausages and fried mushrooms and tomatoes. She had everything ready on the table for when the others woke up. Fresh coffee and juice, too.

‘Karine, can you please move in here for all time?’ Izzy asked, dropping a kiss on her cheek as she passed, rubbing her eyes sleepily. Max trailed behind her, bright eyed and bushy tailed, staring at the breakfast table eagerly.

‘Wow,’ he muttered. ‘Did someone die? Is this like, a _“Sorry Someone Died”_ breakfast?’

I laughed and patted the seat beside me which he took with a warm smile, wedged between me and Jace, Magnus at the end.

‘Non, cherie,’ Karine said, shovelling a healthy amount of fried eggs onto her own plate. ‘Is nothing but a simple breakfast for everyone I love.’

‘Karine, thank you,’ Jace said, briefly reaching for her hand which she clasped tightly, eyes glittering.

‘C’est rien,’ she said, but kissed his hand briefly before moving her attention back to breakfast.

‘So, Karine,’ Magnus said, pouring himself a tall glass of juice. ‘How are you related to the Alphonse’s?’

‘Ah,’ Karine said with a grin. ‘Well, in official looks, I am la _cousine_ , but truly, I am half sister to Louis.’

‘The defunct heir apparent?’

‘’Ee is most defunct, yes.’

The two of them began a lengthy conversation about French royalty and secret siblings from scandalous affairs.

‘Did you sleep well?’ I asked Izzy. She briefly seemed a little lost without Clary in the face of so much food, but Simon was clearly on it, piling two plates; one for her, one for Max. He asked Max what he wanted on his and then added one of whatever Max had chosen onto Izzy’s plate as well.

‘I did,’ my sister replied, smiling over the rim of her coffee cup.

Once everyone was seated and happily eating, Jace took a deep breath.

Izzy seemed to have been waiting for it. ‘Oh God,’ she said, shoulder sagging. ‘Here it comes.’

‘So, last night,’ Jace said heavily. ‘Sebastian came back.’

‘Came back how?’ Izzy asked quickly. ‘Is Clary OK?’

‘She’s fine,’ he said. ‘And she’s on her way here now, but she’s coming _with_ Sebastian.’

‘With?’

‘He’s escorting her here safely. Look, this is a lot to explain so I’m gonna do it in one go and then everyone can ask whatever they need to.’

Magnus glanced at Max. ‘Should he be here for this?’

‘Yes,’ Izzy and I said at the same time, earning a grateful smile from our little brother.

‘OK. Everything that’s happened in the last few months, specifically pertaining to Alec and me, has been orchestrated by the demon, Belaphim. He’s been moving chess pieces one at a time, years before now, to get what he wanted; Alec and me dead. Two nights ago he almost got it.’

Here, Jace stopped, letting me continue.

‘Belaphim spun a tangled web, hoping to isolate me from Jace and throw misunderstandings at us both to the point where I thought I’d done something terrible to Jace and…’ I swallowed, wrapping my arm around Max. ‘I nearly killed myself.’

Izzy already knew, so did Magnus, but they both looked almost like they were hearing it for the first time again. Max craned his neck to glare at me, so resembling our sister it was almost scary.

‘That night at the party?’

‘Yeah,’ I said softly.

‘I _knew_ something was wrong!’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You should have talked to me; I could have told you you’d never hurt Jace!’

‘You’re right. But this demon, he’s clever. Everything that’s happened to us has been him pulling strings, making his move. He had people working for him, doing terrible things to push us to the edge.’

Izzy’s breath caught in her throat, eyes locked with Jace. ‘Even the… at Sang’s?’

Jace nodded, lips pressed together tightly.

‘Why, though?’ Simon asked, lacing his fingers through Izzy’s. ‘Why does he want you dead? Did you do something to him?’

‘We don’t know,’ I replied. ‘But from what we _do_ know, it’s something that we’re apparently going to do in the future. Sebastian explained what he could, it was very complicated.’

‘And he’s trying to prevent it by killing you both?’ Izzy asked.

‘One or both of us,’ Jace said.

Simon wrinkled his nose. ‘Why one _or_ both?’

‘Again, we have no clue.’

Karine leaned forward, clearing her throat. ‘I might ‘ave an idea about why,’ she said carefully and quietly. ‘’Zere is only one reason I can think why it would be OK to kill only one.’

Jace and I waited, but something in Jace stirred, sensing her suggestion before she even spoke it.

‘Your children,’ Karine said gently.

Her suggestion was met with silence. I felt myself mildly reeling from the two words, which simultaneously filled me with happiness and fear. The fear came from some deeply primitive part, seeking to protect that which did not even exist yet.

‘Oh,’ Izzy said eyes wide. ‘Oh my God, of course!’

Jace closed his eyes briefly, his pain swirling inside me. ‘When I went to him, he didn’t _outright_ offer me the trade for my ability to have children, though.’

Magnus looked at him. ‘It told you to go away and learn the price of Belaphim.’

‘Wait,’ Simon said, throwing his hands up. ‘What?’

‘When Alec went missing,’ Jace said. ‘That’s what I sold to the demon. I offered up my ability to father children.’

‘You came to the conclusion when you saw me,’ Magnus said in a low voice. ‘Then you went back and offered it to him. He never asked you for it.’

Everyone jumped as I slammed my hand down hard on the table. Max wrapped his arms around me and Jace held me tightly in his mind, sharing in my sadness and anger.

 _I_ _’m so sorry,_ he told me. _Don_ _’t be mad at me._

_Mad at you? Never. I love you. Love you, love you, more than life. I_ _’m just…_

_I know. I feel it too._

_We were played. Like a fucking violin._

‘OK, so,’ Izzy said, shaking her head. ‘If it got what it wanted from Jace, why everything else? Taking away Jace’s ability to have kids should have ended it, right?’

‘Understand,’ Magnus said. ‘Even for a demon such as Belaphim, the ability to see into the future is shrouded heavily. I highly doubt he could see _whose_ child it was, if indeed it was a child he’s aiming to prevent the birth of.’

‘He was being thorough, then?’

‘Why didn’t Alec, _other_ Alec,’ Jace clarified. ‘Sell his ability to have kids? He went to the same demon, right? Sold his memory to free us of the drug? Why didn’t Belaphim demand the same thing?’

‘That would be incredibly dangerous, I think,’ Magnus said. ‘An evident and undeniable amount of meddling to further his own future, which is not permitted of any demon with prescience.’

‘They have to stay close to the original time lines,’ I said, nodding.

‘Yes. Removing the ability from you both would likely be a step too far.’

‘This is so complicated,’ Simon sighed. ‘I’m really sorry, you guys. I’ll help you kill this fucker, however we can.’

‘Me too,’ Max offered staunchly.

Jace smiled in a bittersweet fashion, kissing the top of his head. ‘Damned right you will. Everyone here is crap at research, except you, buddy.’

‘There’s still more,’ I went on. ‘Sebastian explained all this to us and also said that Belaphim is now furious and reckless enough to put a hit out on the entire Institute.’

‘Oh shit,’ Izzy chuckled. ‘I mean, _that_ _’s_ fucking with the time-line, right?’

‘A bold move,’ Magnus said, frowning. ‘I wonder how real a threat it is.’

‘That’s what I said,’ came a new voice.

Sebastian and Clary entered the room. Clary went straight to Izzy, who stood quickly and hugged her friend, whispering to her, asking if she was OK. Clary nodded tightly.

‘Sebastian caught me up on the way here,’ she said.

‘Might I point out,’ Sebastian sighed, lurking close to Clary. ‘That your security here is appalling. I wasn’t stopped once on the way in.’

‘Because I changed security parameters, obviously,’ I said, keeping my eyes trained on him. ‘Albeit stealthily.’

‘So, I’m on the team, now am I?’

Izzy faced Sebastian, her expression hard and cold. ‘I wouldn’t go that far.’

Something in Sebastian’s face softened, there might have even been a splinter of guilt in that otherwise flawless exterior.

‘Isabelle, last time we saw each other, I—’

Izzy drove her knee up hard, right between his legs and sent him crashing to the floor just like every other man who had ever been kneed there.

‘I’m over it,’ she said, sweeping her hair back.

‘Well,’ Clary said, staring at Sebastian coolly, as he got to his feet again with effort, face red and flustered in a way that made me very happy. ‘What’s the plan, guys? It’s broad daylight and I’m not seeing this big ass attack on the Institute.’

‘I believe,’ Sebastian ground out, leaning on the table, eyes closed. ‘That Belaphim was waiting for me to make a move, after all.’

‘To protect Clary,’ Magnus surmised. ‘Even Belaphim wouldn’t risk something so ostentatious as a full frontal attack. The consequences for something so brash would be worse than death.’

‘Which is good,’ Clary said. ‘But doesn’t give us much time to find and kill the thing before it starts trying to poke holes in us one by one.’

‘Safety is paramount, as always,’ I said. ‘No one is to go anywhere alone until the thing is resolved. Our best angle is—’

Mom had just walked quickly past the door, so fast I’d barely seen her. She was wearing the dress from last night, but other than that, I hadn’t been able to discern any details. Ten seconds later, Dad strolled in, also wearing the same shirt, jacket slung over his shoulder. He had huge bags under his eyes, no cocky swagger anywhere to be seen.

When he saw everyone, his eyes widened and I could tell he was considering fleeing, but it was too late.

‘Oh,’ he said, eyes landing on Karine and staying there. ‘Hey.’

Karine suddenly relaxed into a gorgeous smile. ‘Salut, mon bebe. Bon nuit, eh?’

‘No, it was... Can we talk? Please?’

To her credit, Karine laughed gently. ‘Robert,’ she said, making it sound like _Ro-Bear._ _‘_ You ‘ave nothing to say.’

‘I do,’ he insisted, swallowing slowly, glancing around at the rest of us. ‘Guys, can we get a moment please?’

Izzy quietly said, ‘Karine?’

 _‘_ No,’ Karine said. ‘I am not interested in your _moment_. You ‘ad your moment last night and I see ‘oo you chose to be with. We are finis. I’m keeping your kids, though.’

Jace barely contained the wide smile desperately tugging at the corners of his mouth. Karine reached for her coffee, unflappable and the height of cool.

‘But…hey, wait! Isn’t that _Valmont_?’

I took pity on him. ‘Dad, a quick word, please?’

* * *

**-Jace-**

Two hours after the almighty _Breakfast of Holy Fuck Here_ _’s What’s Happening,_ I sat in my room chatting with the other boy Valentine had raised.

Perhaps chatting wasn’t quite the word.

‘So,’ he said, looking around at the room I barely slept in anymore. ‘This is how you grew up?’

‘After Valentine made me watch him die,’ I said, selecting a change of clothes. ‘Or made me _think_ I was watching him die.’

‘Hmm,’ he said. ‘It’s nice. You’re lucky.’

‘Very,’ I couldn’t help but agree. ‘I met the best people in the world. They took me in, taught me to love. I owe them everything.’

He looked at me then, something almost familiar in his eyes. He reminded me of him, of Valentine. Not in features; they belonged to the _real_ Sebastian. Just that edge of steel, the way he scrutinised me. It was a look Valentine would have given me.

‘They owe you much in return.’

‘I guess.’

‘You and Alec have broken the law.’

‘Yup.’ I folded the clothes for no reason, I was going to wear them soon.

‘You’re not worried about that, are you?’

‘No, I’m slightly more concerned with the demon trying to wreck our lives.’

Sebastian - _Jonathon -_ nodded, like he understood. ‘I confess, I… I’m jealous.’

I paused, mid way through the mindless repetition of folding. ‘What?’

He shrugged, eyes downcast now. ‘I’m jealous of you and Alec. Of your bond.’

There wasn’t much I could say to that. ‘Oh,’ I went for in the end.

‘Valentine used to promise me that if I was better behaved,’ he told me. ‘Then one day he would make you my Parabatai.’ I didn’t say anything that time, just watched him carefully, unsure if what he was saying was true. ‘He offered bright things in exchange for supplication, things I didn’t even know I wanted until he voiced them. He told me about you. His golden boy, his little prince. He wanted me to feel competitive with you, expected jealously to spur me on, I think. It just made me long to know you. To dream of a brother.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, because even if he was lying, that was twisted as hell. ‘He never told me about you, but if he had, I would have tried to find you.’

Sebastian smiled tiredly, eyes focused on some point ahead of him.

‘Yes, you would. He spoke often of your bravery and recklessness. I am pleased that you’ve found so much happiness with Alec. Just a little jealous.’

What the fuck could I say to that? I’m really grateful Valentine never chained me to you? I’m sorry he tortured you and made you into… whatever you are, held on the brink of decency only by a drug?

‘I appreciate what you’re doing for us.’

He seemed a little disappointed. ‘It’s for Clary,’ he said, his voice losing some of the wistful softness of moments ago, ‘Clary is my blood. She’s all that matters.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘OK.’

‘Its good that you and Alec are free of the drug, though,’ he said. ‘I will never be free of it, right up until the day it kills me.’

He didn’t seem sad, just accepting.

‘How long do you think it will take?’ I asked after a moment.

‘I’m having to use an enormous amount of it,’ he admitted. ‘At this rate, I calculate less than three years.’

‘We could…’ I said, shaking my head slightly. ‘We could help you.’

He laughed softly. ‘You could try, but failure would be catastrophic and I know exactly where my hand would reach the moment I failed to contain what I am.’

‘It’s not weakness to ask for help.’

He smiled, eyes closed. ‘ _Weakness is despicable_ ,’ he said, by wrote. The words Valentine taught us both were often inside my mind, stuck there with repetition.

I stared at him, long and hard. ‘Sebastian, you can trust me.’

‘Trust you to save me?’

‘To kill you,’ I said and his eyes flicked onto me quickly; admiring and for the first time, receptive to the help I was offering. ‘If the day ever comes when you lose control, trust that I’ll kill you.’

‘That might be the kindest thing anyone’s ever said to me.’

* * *

Alec’s conversation with Robert sat inside me, the knowledge of the encounter full and detailed as though I’d been there. I didn’t need it, though. I already knew what the upshot would be of their little reunion affair.

Maryse had thought they were getting back together. Robert thought it was a few nights of fun for old time’s sake.

Alec was stern with Robert and I was so fucking proud of him. Somewhere over the last few day, _Alec_ had become the parent. Robert came to him quietly and shamefully, asking his advice even. Asking him how to get Karine back, how to apologise to Maryse without incurring her ire.

Alec was honest and told him both were impossible.

After that, he explained the bare basics of what was happening with Belaphim. The story was simply of a demon attacking and how Sebastian had information. Robert didn’t question it, why would he? Something trying to kill his children was par for the course.

When Alec was free of his father, his duties, his shackles to the world where we couldn’t openly kiss and embrace, he came to me in the early afternoon.

‘I’m so tired,’ he said, rubbing his eyes. I opened my arms and pulled him close, contact between us like a balm on a burn. Being apart from him was rough. ‘And you are too.’

‘Mmm,’ I sighed, closing my eyes and luxuriating in the hug, burrowing my face into the crook of his neck. There was no scar, but it was the area that demon from so long ago had bitten him. ‘Missed you.’

‘You too. Are you still in love with me?’

I smiled against his warm skin. ‘Yes.’

‘Magnus has warded the Institute. We should sleep for a few hours.’

I pulled back only enough to look at him, keeping my hands around his neck. He was plainly tired, but it was more than that. An emotional, mental toll of the last few days creeping around his eyes, wearing at his perfect, sparkling blue energy. Under such intense focus, I almost expected him to squirm away but he withstood it, staring right back.

If I looked hard enough, extended myself into him fully, I could slip completely into his body. We had not yet done so, there wasn’t any need for it, but the knowledge of that ability sat between us. There was so much we _didn_ _’t_ know; a vast, shadowy chasm of possibilities and potential worries. Like two water droplets bonding, the worry of _that_ connected with the worry of what awaited us at the hands of a demon who wanted us dead.

A breathtaking twist of emotion wrenched inside me, forcing me to look away.

‘What?’ he asked, chasing my gaze, hands caressing the side of my face. ‘Don’t hide from me, baby.’

I swallowed hard over the lump in my throat. ‘I just…’

He read the feelings I couldn’t verbalise. ‘I would never leave you.’

I nodded, but still didn’t look at him. My nose stung with un-shed tears. ‘You’re everything,’ I managed. ‘I can’t lose you.’

_Why would you lose me?_

_I_ _’m so afraid of being without you, of something hurting you._

_We_ _’ll protect each other._

_Promise me you_ _’ll protect yourself first._

_No._

_The worst thing I can imagine in this world is living in it without you._

_It_ _’s the same for me._

_I know that, but please promise me you_ _’ll keep yourself safe. No heroics._

He laughed, despite the situation, despite the face we were both kissing without even realising it, despite the tears he was shedding that weren’t actually his own.

‘I can’t help being a hero,’ he said, pressing dozens of gentle, soft kisses on my lips and all around, holding me like I was something precious, to be cherished. ‘I’ll protect you and you protect me, OK? We can keep each other safe.’

I tried to accept what he was saying, but the gnawing worry didn’t fade.

‘Let’s sleep,’ he said, guiding me to our bed by the hand. He sat down and stood me before him, undressing me gently. I let him, content to watch, pliant under his careful ministrations. He’d always taken care of me. He always would.

And if I let slip two more tears, it was just because I was so tired, or at least that what I told myself.

* * *

_A/N - Oh my God, that took forever. BUT the reason it took to so long was that I was finished my book! So, at least I wasn't being lazy. Writing a book is bloody hard and not as fun as fanfic. In this interlude while my agent goes through everything, I'm gonna try and write as much of this wonderful story as I can. There might be long gaps between updates, but each chapter will always be long, like minimum 10'000 words._

_Sorry if this was a bit of a nothing chapter, think of it as the calm before the -_ **WHAT THE FUCK?-** _storm over the next few chapters._

_A HUGE thank you to everyone who left me comments and kudos, I love you all. I wish I could be a cool, laid back author who doesn't ask for praise or feedback, but i think by now we've established that's not me._

_Hope you enjoyed!_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, reviews are life.


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